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Original poster

Friend compared my MC to her abortion...

102 replies

Banana8080 · 30/09/2018 15:00

I had an early MC, sad but we’ll try again. Recently told an old friend about it and her response was to offer support, but in context that she’d been through similar. By this she meant an abortion she had.

I supported her fully in her decision, and it was a free choice for her, although one she might now regret I believe.

I think it was insensitive. Indon’t think she has a clue and her offer of support is sincere, but she’s misstepped.

Argh guess I’m venting on her so I don’t to her face.

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 30/09/2018 15:03

I'm so sorry to hear about your MC banana. It is awful enough without it being compared to a termination.

I'm sure your friend meant well and was trying to empathise but that is not a good thing to say :(

Maybe she is regretting it as you say? Whatever, if she makes you feel worse maybe limit contact until you're feeling stronger?

Xx

lifeofdreams · 30/09/2018 15:04

I’ve had an early MC and it’s so sad Sad

I think people will differ from me here but I would have to say something. An abortion and a miscarriage are absolutely not the same.

BibiThree · 30/09/2018 15:07

I had 3 people tell me similar after I had a missed mc. I don't know what part of their brain told them that I'd be comforted after losing my much wanted baby by their tales of aborting theirs.

ionising · 30/09/2018 15:09

I think the physical pain and the mental trauma are similar. That’s probably all
She meant.

I don’t think we need a one upmanship on pain and grief though.

Both are horrendous things to happen.

Celebelly · 30/09/2018 15:10

Of course it's not the same but loss is loss, whether you choose it or not. There are so many reasons why someone might have an abortion and the emotional impacts and grief are very real.

It may have been slightly insensitive of her but it was possibly born out of a desire to empathise (and for her to share some of her grief too), not because she wanted to be malicious.

Doyoumind · 30/09/2018 15:11

I think you understandably feel very sensitive around this. An abortion is not the same but you should be cautious about minimising the emotions she may feel about her experience. Abortions aren't just for women who don't ever want a baby. I say this as someone who has never experienced an abortion but has experienced MC.

Hoppinggreen · 30/09/2018 15:12

I’m sorry for your loss
Unfortunately people do say some shite when they are trying to be sympathetic
When I had a Mc a colleague ( who I hadn’t even told but word had spread) that he knew how I felt as his cat had died last year!
If she’s a generally good and supportive friend I would let it go

Bluelady · 30/09/2018 15:14

The insensitivity of this is astounding. A friend of mine said that I'd know exactly how she felt after her termination because my second child was stillborn. I think I just walked away but the anger raged for days. So sorry this has happened to you. 💐

BrownPaperTeddy · 30/09/2018 15:14

It does seem insensitive of her but I guess some people might have an abortion not because that's what they want to do but because they feel they have no other choice.

Maybe hers was also a much wanted baby and so she also feels a loss, it's just that she couldn't see a way to be able to continue with the pregnancy.

I'm sorry for your loss too.

triwarrior · 30/09/2018 15:14

I’m so sorry. I’ve had numerous MC and I’d have been furious to be honest, if someone had said that to me. I don’t agree that “a loss is a loss” in this context, to be honest. Abortion is typically an affirmative choice, MC is not.

MissusGeneHunt · 30/09/2018 15:16

Both are ghastly to go through, and there's many reasons for termination. I don't feel they are necessarily comparable though, and maybe hope she was trying to comfort you, albeit in a clumsy way.

I am so sorry for your loss. I very much hope things get better for you.

AlphaBravo · 30/09/2018 15:16

A 'friend' recently compared her 6 weeks of IVF (they went straight in to IVF as her husband has always known he has low sperm) to my once 14yr battle with infertility, loss and PTSD.

"But you have your baby now so it's not the same" I nearly f*cking chinned her.

Ignore her OP, she was just an ignorant div.

DonutCone · 30/09/2018 15:17

Wow! How anyone could compare an abortion and a miscarriage is beyond me.

They are not the same at all.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/09/2018 15:19

I think lots of people have an abortion because they feel they have no choice. The grief is real. As of course are the guilt and shame.

Really there but for the grace of God goes any of us.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Jeezoh · 30/09/2018 15:22

You have no idea how she’s been affected by her abortion and it’s entirely likely she’s grieved just as much as you are for what might have been. They’re not the same thing but one doesn’t trump the other in terms of how it feels.

PinkHeart5914 · 30/09/2018 15:23

I get you OP I had a stillbirth at 35 weeks a few years ago now and after I have given birth to my dead baby and was grieving a “friend” done the same with her abortion she compared it to how I felt. No love you choose to abort, my baby was wanted and loved so huge sodding difference as I didn’t end my babies life. I honestly don’t know what is wrong with some people

Sorry for your loss OP 💐

Crunchymum · 30/09/2018 15:23

My "friend" tells people she had a miscarriage when she actually had an abortion (well she had the first of the x2 pills and thinks this triggered a miscarriage Confused)

I've had 6 miscarriages and no longer really speak to this "friend" other than in group events that I can't avoid. I fear I'll end up ripping her to pieces if I have to hear about her miscarriage ever again

(I realise she may feel guilty and be struggling but I've told her that I find it offensive and I've told her why and she still bangs on about it)

FissionChips · 30/09/2018 15:26

Unless she had an abortion for medical reasons then I can’t see how the situations are comparable.
YANBU Flowers

newstartz · 30/09/2018 15:27

I found my abortion more traumatic than my mc. By far.

I think it's a totally personal situation, though I don't think she would have meant to upset you.

Original poster
Banana8080 · 30/09/2018 15:28

Thanks all, this has been super helpful and glad I didn’t lose my rag at her. She’s insensitive but it’s meant with love.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 30/09/2018 15:32

Some people abort a much wanted and loved baby because they feel they have no choice (abusive partner, no way of providing etc), and I can see that an abortion can be hugely traumatic. So while it was insensitive, I’m sure she didn’t intend to be thoughtless or hurtful.
I’m sorry for your loss.

Sockwomble · 30/09/2018 15:32

I think she was trying to empathise and acknowledge your loss so I would try not to dwell on what she said.

Sparklyfee · 30/09/2018 15:33

Are you sure that when she said she'd been through similar that she wasn't telling you she'd also had a MC?

Sorry for your loss

loveka · 30/09/2018 15:36

I had the same from a 'friend'.

I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. I saw this person about 3 weeks later and she said "Isn't it funny, we have both been pregnant, but neither of us have got a kid".

She had an abortion 5 years previously. An abortion she wanted, no regrets about it (nothing wrong with that)

I was just totally gobsmacked that she could think tbe two events were comparable. She is now an ex friend.

Twillow · 30/09/2018 15:43

I can understand her, the feeling of grief IS comparable and no-one particularly CHOOSES an abortion, it is rather the resolution to a difficult problem. Sorry for both your losses.