Friend compared my MC to her abortion...

[Banana8080]

I had an early MC, sad but we’ll try again. Recently told an old friend about it and her response was to offer support, but in context that she’d been through similar. By this she meant an abortion she had.

I supported her fully in her decision, and it was a free choice for her, although one she might now regret I believe.

I think it was insensitive. Indon’t think she has a clue and her offer of support is sincere, but she’s misstepped.

Argh guess I’m venting on her so I don’t to her face.

I know several people who had terminations because they learned their babies would have been born with severe defects, two that were told their babies would not survive after birth because their chromosomal disorders were so severe, or because they were in abusive relationships and it would have meant they were trapped with their abusers forever to some degree and they were trying to leave (and did).

They all mourned the loss of their babies.

Sometimes you just don't know the whole story.

@JacquesHammer this whole thread is grief top trumps.

I think that it's like comparing apples to pears tbh. However, what I would say is that the support and resources available to those who terminate a pregnancy are far superior than for those who have a miscarriage.

this whole thread is grief top trumps

Well not really. There’ve been several very measured posts.

Grief top trumps is a vile pursuit

The very premise is grief top trumps - ‘my miscarriage is so much worse than her abortion’

I maintain that an early miscarriage is not comparable to a still birth. You can not compare the two.

Both situations are so individual and so sad for their own reasons. I can see why your friend was trying to relate and I can see why you think she was insensitive.
But neither experience would you have wished for the other
I'm sorry for your loss

ive had a miscarriage i was devastated by and a MC that I was relieved by. Ive had an abortion I was mostly OK with, and know someone that was devastated by their abortion as in different circumstances they would have kept it and also someone that TFMR and is still hurting many years later, despite having another child since.

People try and empathise and offer their own experiences. Theyre trying to be nice. Sometimes people get it wrong.

I maintain that an early miscarriage is not comparable to a still birth. You can not compare the two

Did you see the study a PP posted?

I had a missed MC and had to take pills to induce it and I did ask a friend who'd had an abortion what it would physically be like. I also felt very sorry for all the Irish women that had to travel for abortions when I realised how physically awful it was. So I understand what your friend meant but I do think she was rather stupid to say it.

However, what I would say is that the support and resources available to those who terminate a pregnancy are far superior than for those who have a miscarriage.

My DD was given the pills at the hospital and was then sent home alone on the bus. The support and resources available to her were nil.

Excellent posts by ButAIBUtho. I agree 100%

I have had a miscarriage and 2 friends have had a TFMR and an abortion while young. We all feel a sense of loss, guilt and sadness for these babies we created and for different reasons, have lost.

People have abortions for many different reasons but it's always a choice. Miscarriage isn't a choice. However I don't think this means those women who made the choice are any way less entitled to feel grief and guilt for their choice.

Well it is the same result whether you chosen or not. What is lost is the same.

It is an interesting comparison because to some it seems a fetuses value depends on if it is wanted or not.

I thought it is interesting when I went for a scan they said 'awww look at the baby', presumably if you go for an abortion it goes back to being a 'collection of cells'.

There does seem a contradiction in acknowledging, one the hand, the size of your loss but being pro abortion on the other.

I would not be offended by it. I believe that, while abortion is a choice, it is still a great loss and should only be done with a heavy heart, as a last resort. That seems to be where she is coming from as well.

If you see it as another form of contraception, then it would be more offensive because it is downplaying your loss but I do think there is a contradiction between having that view on abortion and thinking a miscarriage is bad.

I feel for both of you I really do. But I think it’s reasonable to accept that both are equally heartbreaking.

Knowing that you can’t get back the pregnancy and you want it back, and that you would still have it if you hadn’t have had the abortion is very heartbreaking indeed. Just because a woman makes that choice at the time, it doesn’t mean to say that her feelings of grief afterwards are any less valid.

an abortion can be extremely traumatic and it is tangled up with all sorts of agonising confusion about whether or not it's the right decision, feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, fear, anger that the support required to proceed isn't there.

I've had both an early MC (11 weeks mmc) and an abortion (6 weeks). I have to say, both were incredibly difficult. For me, the abortion was not an easy decision in any way, shape or form and despite it being 'my choice' (which it 100% was) I felt enormous sadness, regret and grief.

I understand why you feel the way you do re: your friend's comments - I think I'd have felt the same if someone had said that to me after the MC. However, looking at it from both sides of the fence now, perhaps she really did struggle in the run up to and aftermath of that decision and perhaps shouldn't be written off as someone who must automatically be 'fine' because it was a choice. That's not to say that's what you were doing OP, I mean just as a general observation on how people sometimes view abortions.

I am sure she meant well, I have experienced both and I can honestly say I suffered a great deal with both regret, self blame and loss with both. A termination is shameful as well, but it is still a loss and honestly took me by surprise, if I could turn the clock back I would not have had it, and it was nearly 30 years ago. I felt an awful sense of loss with the MC which was through an ectopic - although this was not my choice I still blamed myself and felt I had done something that led to this loss. Either way, it was awful.
I don't think we can judge or blame each other for what pain and loss we feel but I can see how you feel that she was insensitive at that point, it would have been better if she had said she could relate to your grief and loss.

@SideEyeing
we could be twinnies!

AsA - I didn't for a second not want my child. My termination wasn't wanted, it was forced, and circumstances at the time meant no other option. It wasn't chosen by me in any way shape or form, I had no other alternative and no support. I ended up with months of counselling, medication and PTSD

Although still I wouldn't compare it to a miscarriage TBF

@Chocolate50 Whoa - spookily similar posts, though you expressed yourself far more articulately than I managed to. Truly sorry to hear what you went through - it's rotten.

There are a lot of nasty views on this thread.

Ive had a miscarriage and ive aborted twins.

I can tell you that for me personally, the abortion was much more painful emotionally. Much more traumatic and i feel a much bigger sense of loss. Not because there were 2, but because i never ever wanted to be in that position.

Of course no one wants to miscarry either, but at least with miscarriage you dont have the stigma of "choice" attached to it.

I can tell you that i did not have a choice. Not really.

Yet people tell me it was my choice. How its ok because i didnt want them. That if i wanted them i never would have done it.

I didnt abort because i didnt fucking want them! I have some very personal reasons i aborted. Including health reasons.
But i constantly have to justify my decision if i tell people. Because it was a choice

My miscarriage i was able to be open about and get empathy and support immediately.

Not so for my abortion. People judge. They decide i dont need support because i chose to end the pregnancy. They have no sympathy for the difficult situation i was in.

The grief is very real, but it's a secret grief. One i cant share IRL because of judgement and peoples nasty opinions.

It seems im not safe here either given some of these responses.

OP im sorry for your loss. I truly am. But your friend meant well and is trying to be supportive. I understand that you are in a difficult place right now and dont want to hear it but please dont speak to her directly about it as you could be causing her a great deal of emotional pain if you minimise ger experience. Just vent here

HerRoyalFattyness I’ve never even told anyone in real life (bar DH obviously) about my abortion. I wouldn’t dare for fear of judgement. It’s a lonely position to be in.

I was more heartbroken after my termination than I was after my natural miscarriage around the same gestation.

Different heartbreak, but still, heartbreak.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

Whatever your view on the abortion side of it she's making it about her which just smacks of selfishness. Perhaps a poor attempt at empathy but very poor.

I've had both; my mc was early, relatively painless and followed quite swiftly by another pregnancy that (thankfully) went full term. My abortion was following a traumatic birth where both me and my son were close to death followed by a post-birth illness that i was very lucky to survive. I was physically and mentally unable to carry that baby, it was the right thing to do but it haunts me and i grieved for that baby and the life that could have been.
Comparisons are unhelpful but the loss of a baby can be devastating even if you think there was a "choice" involved.
Don't be too hard on your friend, unless she's a bad human being (in which case why is she your friend?) she was just trying to offer sympathy and understanding.