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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend compared my MC to her abortion...

102 replies

Banana8080 · 30/09/2018 15:00

I had an early MC, sad but we’ll try again. Recently told an old friend about it and her response was to offer support, but in context that she’d been through similar. By this she meant an abortion she had.

I supported her fully in her decision, and it was a free choice for her, although one she might now regret I believe.

I think it was insensitive. Indon’t think she has a clue and her offer of support is sincere, but she’s misstepped.

Argh guess I’m venting on her so I don’t to her face.

OP posts:
HashTagLil · 30/09/2018 15:43

ionising

What they so eloquently said.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 30/09/2018 15:44

Tbh I struggled to conceive and had multiple mcs and my ex friend did similar. I had to bite my lip as in her case hers was totally her choice not to have the baby.
Friendship ended not long after

AsAProfessionalFekko · 30/09/2018 15:47

'I didn't for a second not want my child'. That's the difference.

Stepstepmother · 30/09/2018 15:47

Nothing is the same. None so much as miscarriage. Women getting hysterical over a miscarriage after a couple of weeks after a first response I would argue is very different to a woman who had a stillbirth or a late miscarriage. And yes I’ll get flamed for this but it’s not as traumatic. One is basically a late period. The other is giving birth to a dead child.

Abortion obviously carries its own trauma. But women spouting about rainbow babies after a chemical pregnancy again is not the same.

sunshinelollipopsrainbows · 30/09/2018 15:52

Unless she is a bad person generally or has made other comments so that you think it's about her character being poor than a misunderstanding, then I think I would let it go. It's insensitive yes but just because she aborted does not mean it was easy or she didn't feel grief. It just may have been that she felt didn't have any other choice. Some people abort and are ok and have no regrets, others do it and regret it their entire lives.

kaitlinktm · 30/09/2018 16:00

A family member regularly used to refer to my miscarriage as "you know, when you had that abortion" in front of other friends and family. Of course I used to interrupt and correct her and she would sort of apologise but in an impatient way, as if I were being overly sensitive.

Despite the fact that I am pro choice it infuriated me and I sometimes wonder if some people thought I really had had an abortion and didn't want to admit it. One thing's for sure - if I had had an abortion, I wouldn't have told her.

BlueBug45 · 30/09/2018 16:01

OP did she tell you why she had an abortion? I know women who have had abortions for not nice reasons and for those it was an a clear choice. If you know she is in the latter group you have the right to tell her clearly it isn't the same.

Notsohorriblehistory · 30/09/2018 16:02

I am sorry about your MC

You sound very strong and forthright about it. Perhaps this stance allowed your friend to mistakenly think she could beingup something that perhaps causes her ongoing sadness

Elllicam · 30/09/2018 16:06

I could see it being almost comparable if it was an abortion because the baby was incompatible with life. Otherwise if it was just wrong time etc she is being massively insensitive and it is no way the same thing.

HarperIsBazaar · 30/09/2018 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatTheSausageSaid · 30/09/2018 16:18

It's physically the same or worse and in many women's cases, a pregnancy lost that in better circumstances they would have kept. I've had both. The abortion caused far greater fall out even though it was my choice and I wanted it and don't regret a thing.

WhatTheSausageSaid · 30/09/2018 16:19

Flowers harperisbizarre

AriadnePersephoneCloud · 30/09/2018 16:19

It is obviously different but I do agree that it is still a loss. I had an abortion in my late teens and always regretted it. I didn't want an abortion but I didn't feel I could have a child. I was wrong and regretted it ever since - and the pain was awful and there were complications. So I guess my point it that for some people it is a terrible loss and made worse by the fact I made the choice and I was wrong. That said having thought I was miscarrying one of my children (wonders of medical science stopped that) I also understand the heartbreak and devastation of that. Your friend ws probably trying to comfort you but doesn't necessarily know how.

derxa · 30/09/2018 16:22
Flowers
ButAIBUtho · 30/09/2018 16:22

I don't believe one is more traumatic than the other.

I had a late miscarriage last year and there was a woman on here who had a termination and some of the same issues afterwards that I was experiencing. I posted my support because it's shit. Absolutely bollocks thing to have to go through.

No one chooses to get pregnant in order to terminate.
Just like you and I didn't chose to have the miscarriage.

You can't compare pain and grief, and you can't measure them against one another.

Some people will take a termination in their stride and some people will feel utterly shit for the rest of time, asking themselves if they did the right thing.

It's just life and it's rubbish and we should support one another, not compete.
And your friend was trying to support you.

Sorry for your loss.

ButAIBUtho · 30/09/2018 16:23

She’s insensitive but it’s meant with love.

No she isn't.

BolleauxtoBankers · 30/09/2018 16:24

I am sorry for everyone who has had miscarriages and abortions. I lost my first baby at 22 weeks, she wasn't going to be viable, I was told, so I had labour induced and had to give birth. On top of my misery at losing my little girl, the medical term everyone was using for my experience was "termination", which to me indicated there was some level of choice for me in the matter - there wasn't. I was given no other option. This was a quarter of a century ago and it still hurts to think about it.
Flowers for all.

Branleuse · 30/09/2018 16:34

an abortion can be as traumatic as a miscarriage. It can be more so.

When someone is trying to empathise with you, even clumsily, i dont see the point in picking it apart

ShineOnHarvestMoon · 30/09/2018 16:38

You have no idea how she’s been affected by her abortion and it’s entirely likely she’s grieved just as much as you are for what might have been. They’re not the same thing but one doesn’t trump the other in terms of how it feels

This.

YABU to play top suffering trumps with her.

Infact, it could be argued that she's in a much more traumatic situation - you can mention a MC and garner immediate sympathy from kind people. Just have a think about the taboo on women to even hint that they've had an abortion. Your friend is as likely to receive criticism or lack of sympathy (in a way just as you are close to doing).

JacquesHammer · 30/09/2018 16:44

Women getting hysterical over a miscarriage after a couple of weeks after a first response I would argue is very different to a woman who had a stillbirth or a late miscarriage. And yes I’ll get flamed for this but it’s not as traumatic. One is basically a late period. The other is giving birth to a dead child

There is nothing more tiresome than playing grief top trumps.

TurnipCake · 30/09/2018 16:47

Women getting hysterical over a miscarriage after a couple of weeks after a first response I would argue is very different to a woman who had a stillbirth or a late miscarriage. And yes I’ll get flamed for this but it’s not as traumatic. One is basically a late period. The other is giving birth to a dead child.

There is a study (can't remember the name but I'll see if I can dig it up) which showed that the grief process and reaction is just as painful whether it was early embryonic demise or a stillbirth. I had a patient who miscarried a 7 week pregnancy after losing a baby at 36 weeks and she was just as devastated.

Nice misogynistic use of the word 'hysterical' there too

IABURQO · 30/09/2018 16:50

She probably feels bad about it, but no it's not the same. Sorry you lost your baby.

Dazedandconfused1988 · 30/09/2018 16:51

FWIW, I had an early miscarriage- and it was brutal. But in many ways it was similar feelings I also terminated at 20 weeks (I didn’t want to but was really unwell, homeless, unemployed, and my at the time DP made me feel there was no other option. I felt like I had no other choice and I have hurt every day for that baby, and the one I MC’d
I think the feelings are v similar and that your friend wanted to empathise

TurnipCake · 30/09/2018 16:52

Here it is, from SANDS:

^A shorter gestation or the nature of the loss does not necessarily determine parents’
experiences of, feelings about or reactions to the loss^ (Zeanah et al. 1993; Bagchi and
Friedman 1999; Mander 2006)

OlennasWimple · 30/09/2018 16:53

I wish people who glibly say "she had an abortion and has no regrets at all" might just pause and consider that that is what they have told you, but it might not be the whole truth. Having an abortion might still have been the right thing for them to do, but they may still feel guilt, anxiety, shame, grief...any number of emotions that might mean that they aren't quite as fine with what happened as you might think