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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be grossed out

106 replies

Sparklfairy · 30/09/2018 08:04

I feel really mean writing this thread so please give my head a wobble for me.

My friend has let me stay at his place (tiny studio) as I was suddenly made homeless. The situation is not ideal (cramped etc) but we get on really well and are making the best of it. He's provided a lot of emotional support and is helping me find housing.

However, he is on a very low income and is short every payday after bills are paid. I've 'lent' him around £500 in the last month or so (but may put part of that towards rent contribution) but I also pay for all food/shopping.

He used to call me up and sigh dramatically 'oh I wasn't going to eat today as I can't afford It'. But wow, when I buy food the man can seriously eat Grin

Last night I bought us a kfc takeaway (think the bargain buckets for four people!!). I had 2 pieces of chicken and a handful of fries. The rest he ate Shock then was laughing and are 3 share bags of Maltesers etc and those share pot things of like brownies or whatever.

It made me feel quite sick. I'm a foodie but that was pure greed and gluttony. It's making me not want to buy food as I won't get a look in anyway. I'm being a cf aren't I Sad

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 30/09/2018 09:39

Well I don’t think YABU. Watching someone shovel food down that quick is not nice. Whether it’s KFC or not. It’s greed.

I would buy some staples. Eat out as much as you can. Have a chat about costs and splitting down the middle seems fair.

Hope you find something quickly.

Could you house sit in the meantime? A friend has just done that on and off for a few months. There are agencies you can register with.

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 30/09/2018 09:47

House sitting might be an idea Peridot1. I'll look into it in the interim.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklfairy · 30/09/2018 09:55

Argh it's such a pathetic thing to get my knickers in a twist about. Yes he can eat what he wants, but not at my expense! Especially when I know what his outgoings are for this place and I've basically paid them all this month. Yet he's still moaning he's skint.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 30/09/2018 09:59

Can you talk it through with him? Ask him gently why he has no money when you have given him £xxx this month and paid for food. Sounds like he is spending a hell of a lot on weed. How does he manage when you’re not there?

MiddleClassProblem · 30/09/2018 10:04

I’ve not heard of places needing 6 months in advance, normally only a month or two and deposit. Although I’m in London so it would basically be a house deposit...

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 30/09/2018 10:07

Squeegle my question exactly. I don't understand how he would have coped this month without me, so something doesn't add up. He lives alone with few friends outside of work and nc with parents etc so borrowing isn't a regular thing I don't think.

So he's got £500 in his account, plus electric, plus all food? And he's still skint? I call bullshit.

However, I will have a conversation in the next day or two when he inevitably asks me for money. I do have a tendency to be blunt (even when not angry, which I'm not) so I need to be smart with my approach.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklfairy · 30/09/2018 10:08

MiddleClassProblem even when self employed? I've never found it so difficult to get a place. I'm in the SE

OP posts:
Orlandointhewilderness · 30/09/2018 10:10

No idea why OP is getting a hard time - the guy is a cf!!!
You need to rethink this. Either have a serious conversation about contributing your HALF of the rent and bills and your own food or move on I think.

yikesanotherbooboo · 30/09/2018 10:10

As far as 'grossed out 'is concerned ; that is disordered eating. Either he is hungry, isolated and unused to company or he has a low opinion of himself and is in a sense self harming with food. Whichever it is I don't think you should judge in that way.

CoalTit · 30/09/2018 10:11

It sounds as if you have to do as much of your eating as possible elsewhere, op.
I hope you find somewhere decent to live soon.
Meanwhile, he's letting you live with him, so you are sensible to do all moaning and complaining here rather than anywhere in real life.

princesstiasmum · 30/09/2018 10:11

If you afford to give him £500,pay for electricity,and food, why cant you afford to find somewhere else to live? and how did he manage before you moved in,?

TheBeatGoesOnandOn · 30/09/2018 10:14

Don't get why you're being given a hard time.

He is low on money ya but as a fully grown adult he should reduce or stop taking weed which will give him extra money for food. If he's really that hungry normally, that's the only answer.

When you take a friend in you don't expect them to pay for everything. Half the rent and the occasional meal would seem appropriate. The OZp isn't the only person in the bedsit so why should she pay all of it - is he no longer staying there?

I think he should eat however he likes but with his own money.

Note I am very generous with friends but I can't see my friends accepting me paying for everything and then eating all the food. Even some of my more unfair friends in the past wouldn't have done this.

userabcname · 30/09/2018 10:16

I think you need to formalise this arrangement OP. Agree to half rent and half bills. Say you will spend x amount on groceries and use it to buy ingredients for meals, not snacks. If that runs out, he needs to do the top up shop. (I remember being a student and the guys literally inhaling a weekly grocery shop in one evening if it was too snack heavy or easy to cook). Write this all down and track spending. As others have said, take your next lot of rent out of the £500 you lent. And get out of there as soon as you can!

AnnabelTheAntelope · 30/09/2018 10:16

Well, to be frank, stop being a mug then op! Just stop buying him stuff. Avoid him (as far as possible) if he starts on about not having enough money to eat. Not your problem. Making the big gesture like the poster over the page with cake & wine etc is just going to annoy you more, so stop buying him wee treats. You’re paying him rent, so why are you adding treats? Just don’t. If you want to give him a thank you, leave him a bottle of wine and a card when you leave.

Heavy weed smokers can be incredibly selfish ime. It’s not their ‘fault’ as it just makes them dozy and greedy. I knew a very well off man at university who used to go round to other people’s houses and nick weed from them. In his mind he needed it more than them, since fair game. And if you’ve ever seen anyone with a dose of the munchies you’ll know how greedy it can make some people. Total piggery. Filthy drug. I hate it.

AnnabelTheAntelope · 30/09/2018 10:17

*so fair game

TheBeatGoesOnandOn · 30/09/2018 10:19

Oh and fuck off with not a foodie you have no idea of the OPs usual eating habits.

LittleBookofCalm · 30/09/2018 10:21

perhaps op means she is a foodie, in that she likes eating food, but not to excess

usernamealreadytaken · 30/09/2018 10:23

You've given him £500 to fund his drug habit and you're surprised when he gets the munchies and eats all the food? That's how it works, and he'll carry on so long as you continue to enable!

AnnabelTheAntelope · 30/09/2018 10:24

“Last night I bought us a kfc takeaway (think the bargain buckets for four people!!). I had 2 pieces of chicken and a handful of fries. The rest he ate shock then was laughing and are 3 share bags of Maltesers etc and those share pot things of like brownies or whatever.

It made me feel quite sick. I'm a foodie but that was pure greed and gluttony. It's making me not want to buy food as I won't get a look in anyway.”

From the op. I don’t know (or care especially) what her normal eating habits are, but I know that being a foodie has nothing to do with how many bargain buckets one can hoof down... So no, I won’t fuck off ta.

GabsAlot · 30/09/2018 10:24

he clearly thought u moving in woold fun his lifestyle just say youre not shopping anymore u can afford it

if he can afford weed he can afford everything else

LuluJakey1 · 30/09/2018 10:29

If it doesn't suit you move into a cheap hotel for a fortnight. You don't have to stay with him.

Cupoteap · 30/09/2018 10:48

People in your position are often taken advantage of op

You need to move out ASAP

Aridane · 30/09/2018 10:55

So basically you don’t want to be a lodger but want a tenancy? But that’s all you are now (and paying through the nose for it from what you say). Why not lodge elsewhere while you look for a tenancy? (Yes, another ‘just move’ post!!)

Parpulous · 30/09/2018 11:02

I don't think you're being entirely unreasonable op. But I do think that if someone has been unable to eat without worrying/has been hungry for an extended period of time then you shouldn't scorn them for pigging out when someone buys them a treat! If you wanted more food then you should have spoken up or taken it at the time. It was definitely unreasonable to expect any to be left for breakfast! Hope your housing situation is sorted soon! I've never had to pay more than one months rent as deposit though (and I've lived in London...)

dontgobaconmyheart · 30/09/2018 11:09

I don't see the huge issue OP, if you don't like it- seek alternative accommodation that's better value? There are several options- air b'n'b, youth hostel, rent a room, put your stuff in storage etc. Have you sttempted to cost these up relative to staying at this friends? I'd be interested in the price difference.
It was generous of your friend to let you move in whether you approve of his habits or not, surely you knee of them prior?

I wouldn't want to share a studio flat with a friend that's for sure. Maybe you're just venting but the way you talk about him is unpleasant and I'm not sure i'd let you stay with me if you were going online critiquing me for my life choices (Which aren't your business)and calling me gross for eating a larger dinner than you, or keep you as a friend either I wonder if anyone else here would.
If everyone agreed with you that he's a no hoper, disgusting overeating weed smoking CF would you feel better?
End results the same, you clearly don't think much of him, the situation doesn't suit you financially- just move out. Maybe he thinks you're a CF for staying with him when you easily have enough money go elsewhere if you pay that much? Would you consider your finances his business in the way you do his if he approached you with a run down of what he thinks you have in the bank and spend? I'm not trying to have snipe at you but it all seems a bit petty when you can just fix it or leave. If you're getting a raw end of the deal stop buying him food. Arrange to pay 50% bills and rent and keep food separate if staying. Moving id a drag but youd surely be happier not contending with this!