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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be grossed out

106 replies

Sparklfairy · 30/09/2018 08:04

I feel really mean writing this thread so please give my head a wobble for me.

My friend has let me stay at his place (tiny studio) as I was suddenly made homeless. The situation is not ideal (cramped etc) but we get on really well and are making the best of it. He's provided a lot of emotional support and is helping me find housing.

However, he is on a very low income and is short every payday after bills are paid. I've 'lent' him around £500 in the last month or so (but may put part of that towards rent contribution) but I also pay for all food/shopping.

He used to call me up and sigh dramatically 'oh I wasn't going to eat today as I can't afford It'. But wow, when I buy food the man can seriously eat Grin

Last night I bought us a kfc takeaway (think the bargain buckets for four people!!). I had 2 pieces of chicken and a handful of fries. The rest he ate Shock then was laughing and are 3 share bags of Maltesers etc and those share pot things of like brownies or whatever.

It made me feel quite sick. I'm a foodie but that was pure greed and gluttony. It's making me not want to buy food as I won't get a look in anyway. I'm being a cf aren't I Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklfairy · 30/09/2018 09:10

This is what I love about mumsnet. 'Just move 'out' like I haven't been trying Grin I earn enough to get a one bed and live in it myself, closer to work than Here, and having my own space. But somehow I just haven't bothered yet Wink

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 30/09/2018 09:12

You might need a place to sleep, but he is seriously taking advantage of that fact if he's got you paying for everything while you're there.

Look for other options asap.

SoyDora · 30/09/2018 09:13

Well then if you can’t ‘just move out’ then like it or not, he is doing you a favour. You have nowhere else to go.

Squeegle · 30/09/2018 09:13

Well what do you want us to say?

SoyDora · 30/09/2018 09:14

If you’d started this thread saying you felt like he was taking advantage of you financially and you were funding his weed habit then I’d have had more sympathy. But your biggest issue was his ‘gluttony’.

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 30/09/2018 09:15

I dunno. I get what you are all saying, both that he's doing me a favour and maybe taking advantage. Sometimes it's just nice to have a sounding board

OP posts:
AnnabelTheAntelope · 30/09/2018 09:16

I think probably, living in close quarters with someone you aren’t in love with / closely related to is getting to you.

There is no way on God’s green earth that any sensible person was expecting not to have to do a food shop because they’d bought a bucket of KFC the night before Hmm. Because that was going to last you the week Envy (not envy).

Yabu, but I get why. He obviously doesn’t have great table manners, but meh. That’s kind of what you have to put up with when you move into someone’s flat. I expect you’ve seen him eat before and it didn’t put you off moving in.

I think this is a grit your teeth until you can escape type situation. Next time you want a treat meal, you eat in and bring him home a takeaway.

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 30/09/2018 09:17

Possibly SoyDora. Surely you can understand that it was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back though - put everything in perspective iyswim.

OP posts:
InspectorIkmen · 30/09/2018 09:17

You are not a 'foodie'.

HTH

Stefoscope · 30/09/2018 09:18

I don't think you're being a cf. £500 is quite a lot to pay in one month to stay with a friend in a studio. Unless there's a back story where you've been staying with him for months without contirbuting to rent and bills. I would just buy food for yourself from now on and try to find somewhere else to move to where you can agree to a set amount towards food and bills and just sort out meals individually. You may be able to find a room in a house share which doesn't require checks through Gumtree. I've done this before and just needed a deposit, first month up front, but obviously you need to be very careful doing this.

He does sound selfish to plead poverty but then blow his money on weed. I had a 'friend' like this once, ended up living together for a year. She never had the money to pay her share of the energy bill, yet miraculously could afford a bottle of wine and an eighth. Needless to say we're not friends anymore after she let me foot all the bills, she even had the cheek to move other people in to the house!

Gersemi · 30/09/2018 09:18

Wouldn't it be cheaper to move into an airbnb or similar?

AnnabelTheAntelope · 30/09/2018 09:19

You are not a 'foodie'.

HTH

Fair point.

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 30/09/2018 09:19

AnnabelTheAntelope not at all what I meant! But watching him literally absorb 90% of the takeaway made me realise that's what he does when I do buy a food shop. I buy a fridge full of food, come back from work and it's gone, and I'm expected to just buy more. Sorry if I wasn't clear.

OP posts:
AnnabelTheAntelope · 30/09/2018 09:21

I’d eat out more. Or buy dried goods and keep them in your bag. I’ve resorted to this in a flat share before. Weed smokers do devour everything when they’re a bit stoned. It isn’t malicious, but it is irksome.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/09/2018 09:22

Young men can eat amazing amounts, my youngest D'S is constantly starving. And if your friend is a stoner, that will affect his appetite too, I guess.
Don't put out food you don't want him to eat.

CottonTailRabbit · 30/09/2018 09:24

I get it. I'd be annoyed too. The answer is to stop buying the food, have a sandwich when you are out. Ignore his weeping about having spent all his money on weed. Obviously don't eat any of his food.

Have you met any of the agents in person? Have you considered the possibility that you might stink of weed from living with him?

Surely you can get somewhere as a lodger very very quickly?

Orchiddingme · 30/09/2018 09:27

The thing is, whatever we say, there is no solution for this except to move out. I think you are right to notice he's being quite greedy both in terms of food and in terms of money- he's getting a lot more of both than usual, the solution is simply to move on ASAP.

Moaning about him won't change him and the situation is untenable long term. Good luck, I know it's hard in the rented sector.

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 30/09/2018 09:27

CottonTailRabbit I was a lodger and never again! You have no tenant rights and she's still got a load of my property and won't return it! Hence wanting a shorthold tenancy on my own flat.

OP posts:
Orchiddingme · 30/09/2018 09:28

The OP may have been competing with uni students, esp postgrads from abroad, depending where she's looking. Hopefully this will have died down now and you can find something OP.

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 30/09/2018 09:29

Thank you Orchiddingme. I knew the solution when I posted but I have very few friends in real life that aren't mutual with this friend so I have no one to talk To!

OP posts:
EstuaryBird · 30/09/2018 09:29

You've had a bit of a rough ride on here, OP Flowers.

I've been in a similar situation - although it was in the early 70s and friend was female. She lived in the converted attic of her sister's house so 'rent' was £2 a week plus electric on a meter. She also had a heavy weed habit.

I stayed for 4 weeks as I had a flat to go to but had to wait for someone to move out. From the minute I walked in she just saw me as a pit to dip in, always down my ear for money (she had a job), used my clothes as her extended wardrobe, ate anything I brought into the house. I still liked her as a friend though and she was good company.

My last night there was a Friday, which was 'bath night' - the only time in the week her sister turned the hot water on!. I bought Chinese, bottle of wine, cake....big deal back then....and told her to set it all out and I'd gave a quick bath. She said all the 'this is lovely, you shouldn't have' stuff and I said it's a thank you for helping me out. When I came back from the bath, maybe about 20mins, she'd eaten the lot and 'given' me one glass of wine. I moved out the next day and never saw her again.

I don't think you're mean OP, I think your friend has done you a great favour but is going to get everything he can out if you while he can. I hope you find a place soon x

Quartz2208 · 30/09/2018 09:30

but in effect you are lodging at the moment without even an agreement of payment in place

And why does she have your property?

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 30/09/2018 09:34

Quartz2208 because she won't let me in to access it. Told me to leave and took the key that morning with no notice. I've involved police but it looks like I may have to involve solicitors and sue her for it (a whole other thread!).

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 30/09/2018 09:36

Just stop paying for so much. Decide in your own mind what is fair and stick to that. Claim to be skint yourself. You seem like a reasonable person not a cheeky fucker so I expect the value you put on it will be fair.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/09/2018 09:36

If he's costing OP as much as it would to get her own place, and eating a lot better than usual out of it, then he's not doing that much of a favour. I'd say it's fair enough to have a moan on here where nobody knows the people in question (though most of us have probably come across someone like him). One has to let off steam somehow.