My kids are making me genuinely ill

[Cococabongo]

My kids are 6 and 8 and argue ALL the time. I suspect the 8 year old has other issues that haven't been diagnosed because nobody will take me on.

The oldest will scream like a toddler, slam,throw, yell, hit, smash things, is domineering, know it all, intense, methodical, over bearing, generally an overwhelmingly personality.

I've tried to ask for help from the school but they don't see a problem. In nursery the oldest had to be removed several times a week for intense meltdowns, at school the first two years he had a special corner for himself to go and sit in when he felt 'angry' as the school said.

He's constantly wanting to be the center of attention. The younger one constantly complains and cries. My husband says he hates the weekends because in all honesty it's just two days of shouting, screaming and stress.

We don't have family help, never get a break. My anxiety is through the roof, the behaviour is getting worse.

I've told the school I'm struggling, I've been getting panic attacks and going to the ER as the stress is so much I feel unwell.
I've got medication and a counsellor but I dread DREAD DREAD the weekends.

I take the kids to youth clubs, activities, I try to join clubs to socialise but the weekend is like living in a lunatic asylum.

Kids shouting and crying and screaming, arguing. Husband stressing, me feeling panic and sick at every little noise of distress.

I honestly am genuinely feeling unwell. I don't know what to do. I've tried bonding classes with the eldest, no avail. I just can't wait until the weekend is over. I hate night times because the eldest sleep walks and refuses to go to bed, always a tantrum and chasing him round the house to get to bed, can take over an hour.

I've tried talking, understanding, explaining to the kids, reasoning, loving, rewarding, charts, EVERYTHING. I hate being a parent I never knew it would be so difficult and nobody would help out.

I suppose it's ok for people who have family to help but it's literally us, or I feel me who has to carry the weight of everything! I'm so anxious all the time I worry I'm dying or I'm seriously ill because of the stress I can't seem to escape from!

I am so sorry but I have been in a similar situation... and yes, it did make me actually physically ill (I am still recovering...). Have you been to your GP and asked for a referral to CAMHS? My son is a similar age and with similar issues, and we are having a lot of investigations and getting to the bottom of things (ASD traits if not an actual diagnosis and some other issues to do with slow processing despite being very intelligent, hence frustration). We are also doing NVR (non violent resistance) which is helping with the management of meltdowns etc. at home. It is incredibly hard as my son is mostly good at school so the school can't quite believe that things are so difficult at home...

I take it you've seen your GP in the hope of some help with your eldest?

Go back and ask for referral to whatever/whoever the appropriate person would be - sorry, I'm not very up to date with current titles, my DCs are all grown ups now, in my day it would have been a child psychologist - and keep pushing and emphasizing how this is impacting on your health until you get some help.

Can you push it more with the school? Are they able to make referrals?

You sound as if you're at the end of your tether. I know services have been cut to the bone and getting help with these sort of issues is an uphill struggle, but you shouldn't be left alone to struggle with this.

GP appointment. Its the place to start IMO. Some of the issues with the eldest sound like you need real support and advice and hopefully some help and intervention.

Its hard {hugs}

I hope you get support from GP or CAHMS soon, I can empathise with you. How you feel now will not last forever xxxxx

I haven't been to the GP as I spoke to the HV and the school and a teacher even said no he doesn't have ADHD or anything like that because he can control his behaviour. He's much better at school than at home.
I wish I could secretly film his behaviour to show people he's like a different child behind closed doors, snarling and growling etc.
I'm just sat here wishing the day to hurry up and end with palpitations and feeling sick wondering what next.
I feel I have to walk on egg shells around him in fear of upsetting him. Once I shouted at him so loud a neighbour rang child protection on me, but they seemed more concerned with my approach rather than his actual behaviour.

I did explain that after SIX hours of a meltdown I snapped and screamed and yelled back. I feel sad because it puts me off my child.

He wants a hug sometimes and it feels forced, or if he's around me it makes me feel anxious and can't wait until he's away from me. Which sounds terrible! Because I'd never want him to leave. But at the same time I struggle to find enthusiasm for him if this makes sense.

I will get in touch with that team you suggested, thanks for the replies. 😊🙈

The Parent Practice worth a look . Utube videos plus Facebook page. Also worth trying local SEN groups for advice from other parents who may have kids with similar symptoms. Don't give up. X

Emotion coaching may help too.

I think it’s very common for certain children to behave well in school and then let it all out at home. It doesn’t mean there is nothing going on. I would start with the GP. And I would film him if you can to show th GP and school perhaps what he is like in a meltdown.

It sounds really hard.

Can you divide and conquer on the weekend? You take one D.C. and your DH take the other D.C.?

Is his teacher qualified to diagnose ADHD? And actually, children with ASD can mask at school, and let it all out at home. I would definitely take this further. The SN boards on here are really good - there's lots of good advice to be had there. One thing to think about though, is that maybe lots of activities at the weekend could actually be counter productive. My daughter needs her downtime at the weekend - if she's having a bad day we stick with low stimulus, familiar surroundings. Oh, and The Explosive Child is often recommended on here - and is a useful read.

I was where you were six months ago, even down to the neighbour phoning social services on the ONE day I shouted back at him...

We went private in the end as Camhs knocked back the gp referral saying it was a behaviour issue 🙄

DS is controlling, can't regulate his anger, talks incessantly, cannot self soothe, finds it hard to share me, anxious about everything from homework to death, sleeps terribly and so on. He's fine at school though.

He was diagnosed with attachment problems.

Have a look at the Coventry Grid (similarities with ASD and attachment problems) it might give you something to approach the gp with.

I hate being a parent I never knew it would be so difficult and nobody would help out No, parenting is not what you describe. Do not give up. Your eldest has behavioural issues and you need professional help with that.

Even children with quite significant problems can manage to hold it together at school... I know because this is exactly what we are experiencing. I recognise your feelings, the walking on eggshells etc. and have often wondered exactly what our neighbors think is actually going on in our house sometimes.... please go back to your GP etc. You are going to have to be very pushy to get in front of the right people... but when you do and you are believed things can get better. Why not film him so you can show the GP etc.?

Of course go to your GP - what do you have to lose?

Has he had any trauma in his early life? Any sickness or separation from you? PND? I would suggest looking at the therapeutic parents support page on Facebook. This way of parenting works with children with a history of trauma and others and it may give you some strategies to manage his meltdowns, your emotions, your relationship and help him build the tools he needs to start regulating and managing his emotions better. Also look at the explosive child book.

Forgot to say we did eight months of therapy together and although he is still volatile he is learning new ways to cope and has come on fantastically... Parenting is still really hard (especially when changes are afoot like new School term) but I no longer feel completely trapped and that I hate being a mum.

This sounds so much like my family life. We pushed for a CAHMS referral, have had an initial assessment and have a further, more in depth appt booked.

My eldest DS is also 8 and holds everything in at school. So common. All comes out the minute he's home. School has been helpful though, which is validating.

Record it, take it to the GP and ask them to refer. Your kids teachers are NOT qualified to diagnose ASD or ADHD.

They tried to tell me my DS didn't have anything. CAMH's diagnosed him with ASD, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder and Dyspraxia.

Dont give up, I know how hard this is, you need to get help.

Op can you have the kids evaluated for behavioural problems (not sure who you ask for that to be done...gp probably) their bad behaviour may be symptoms of something that can be managed with medication...

Op if I was in your situation and could afford to do this I would - hire a super nanny ...there is a super nanny agency....those nannies know how to deal with that kind of behaviour that has parents at their wits end, and they know tricks to deal with the bad behaviour and shut it down...

We got CAMHS referral thru GP but sad to say, it is so much easier to go private if you can afford £800-£1000. Saves the 2+ year wait. Just make sure if you go down that path that local NHS will accept the diagnosis - some universities have an autism department and are respected and their diagnosis honoured by local NHS. Then be prepared to still fight with the school for EHCP to be followed.

I also agree with pp re: divide and conquer at weekends, taking turns who takes each child out, or weekend nanny if you can afford it. Your mental health is important.

www.katherineelizabeth.co.uk/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwxbzdBRCoARIsACzIK2lQotdxegGpBpKIuTvm5rzSSdkFzxmIohkCk4WRVi_TMgu5laTTel8aAh9eEALw_wcB

Op these are the super nanny agency

I think you should def go to GP. My ds's behaviour at school is really good, but as a consequence, he had meltdowns and tantrums at home. It's better now he is older, but it was really exhausting at some point.

It’s very common for children with autism, ADHD etc to behave better at school than at home, so you’ve had bad advice from the teacher and HV.

Go see the GP. And it’s fine (in fact sensible) to video him so that professionals understand what you’re talking about.