My kids are making me genuinely ill

[Cococabongo]

My kids are 6 and 8 and argue ALL the time. I suspect the 8 year old has other issues that haven't been diagnosed because nobody will take me on.

The oldest will scream like a toddler, slam,throw, yell, hit, smash things, is domineering, know it all, intense, methodical, over bearing, generally an overwhelmingly personality.

I've tried to ask for help from the school but they don't see a problem. In nursery the oldest had to be removed several times a week for intense meltdowns, at school the first two years he had a special corner for himself to go and sit in when he felt 'angry' as the school said.

He's constantly wanting to be the center of attention. The younger one constantly complains and cries. My husband says he hates the weekends because in all honesty it's just two days of shouting, screaming and stress.

We don't have family help, never get a break. My anxiety is through the roof, the behaviour is getting worse.

I've told the school I'm struggling, I've been getting panic attacks and going to the ER as the stress is so much I feel unwell.
I've got medication and a counsellor but I dread DREAD DREAD the weekends.

I take the kids to youth clubs, activities, I try to join clubs to socialise but the weekend is like living in a lunatic asylum.

Kids shouting and crying and screaming, arguing. Husband stressing, me feeling panic and sick at every little noise of distress.

I honestly am genuinely feeling unwell. I don't know what to do. I've tried bonding classes with the eldest, no avail. I just can't wait until the weekend is over. I hate night times because the eldest sleep walks and refuses to go to bed, always a tantrum and chasing him round the house to get to bed, can take over an hour.

I've tried talking, understanding, explaining to the kids, reasoning, loving, rewarding, charts, EVERYTHING. I hate being a parent I never knew it would be so difficult and nobody would help out.

I suppose it's ok for people who have family to help but it's literally us, or I feel me who has to carry the weight of everything! I'm so anxious all the time I worry I'm dying or I'm seriously ill because of the stress I can't seem to escape from!

I am just, just, coming out of the other side of this behaviour with mine, OP. I completely and utterly sympathise. I've had several meltdowns. My hair, no exaggeration, started to fast go grey to the point I got comments on how fast I'd aged. I also have ZERO help. I knew this beofre having children, but as I'd never met anyone who had the same problems (ie having kids was always roses and sunshine), it just never occurred to me it would be so horrifically difficult. My husband works abroad a lot too so it's literally just been me and the kids for days and days and days on end. Sometimes, I haven't verbally spoken to another adult in almost a week. The stress...God, I sympathise with you. I have since gone through stress management techniques, bought behavioural books etc and read hour after hour of online psychology content just to try and understand my kids. It;s been a very, very slow process and I have wobbles but I'm slowly getting there. I have them outside whenever possible - cheap rainsuits off ebay for when it's raining etc. ENdless art supplies from places like poundshop and aliexpress, seperating them (the kids) into different activities constantly, sometimes in different rooms. A chocolate supply for me in the spare room where I can shut them out for a few minutes. It's constant though. No nice sit down tea breaks for me. No casual lunch breaks etc. But it IS getting easier. I'm not sure how all this might help you. I guess I'm just saying, don't give up. Everything will work out ok, it just takes a lot, a LOT, of exhausting constant effort and work.

Vickster, do you think we just go to the Dr and ask them to hand us an ADHD or Autism diagnosis?

Do you think they're handed out like stickers or that the diagnosis comes from the back of a cereal packet or something?

Our kids have to go through years of appointments and assessments with drs, paediatricians, educational psychologists mental health experts and occupational therapists. They have to be poked and prodded and questions. So do the parents, we get asked anything and everything about the pregnancy, their birth, their childhood... they involve schools, nurseries and any professional our child has ever had contact with.

A diagnosis of ADHD or Autism is NOT a get out just because a child is mildly misbehaving and if they dont have it, they dont get a diagnosis and they don't get any medication either.

Its ignorant opinions like yours that give our kids and our bloody exhausting job of parenting them a bad name.

Go to your GP.

Have you tried spitting the kids up so husband takes one child out in the morning and you take the other out in the afternoon

Lots of good advice here. I recognise much of your story, and sympathise hugely.

I highly recommend looking into Laura Dr Markham's work. I followed the advice in 'Calm Parents Happy Kids', and it quite literally transformed my son, our relationship and our lives. That might sound dramatic, but it's totally true! At base, it's active listening, allowing children to work through their emotions. Not hugely complex, but immensely challenging. Worth it. Healing, transformative, amazing.

Her website has lots of information on it. Feel free to pm me if I can help at all.

Take care, you're not alone. x

OP.. forget what I said earlier about seeing your Dr.

I guess from some of the replies on this thread you should probably make him drink cider vinegar, hang a sprig of lavender from each ear and get him to sit down and chant 'om' for a few hours.

Your post reminds me a lot of what my life was like when my ds was that age, he's now a young adult with a diagnosis of autism. Although most schools do have experience with many different needs they are education professionals not medical professionals. Even most GP's are not qualified to diagnose ASD as it is very specialist so although the school has given their opinion this does not mean that they are right. I belong to a group for parents of ASD children and many have had similar difficulties. It is also quite typical for ASD children to appear to behave at school but the stress and effort of doing so then results in meltdown as soon as they reach the safety of home. Please start by contacting your GP for advice.

@vickster

Do you have a child with SEN??
My guess is no...because you are talking absolute bollox.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a diagnosis?
Seriously.get a grip..you think medication is handed over like sweets??

@Vickister

Please stop spouting such disablist shite.

You insinuate that parents want an excuse for their kids' "misbehaviour" you are wrong. Parents want a medical diagnosis, often carried out by a team of experts and often taking years to obtain.

If you have no idea about the diagnostic process for SEN and SN, then please go and educate yourself.

In the meantime, here's something for you to read, hopefully it may make you stop and think before you spout any more bile.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3371418-to-think-things-said-to-sen-parents-can-be-horrific?pg=1

Not RTFT but my DCs went through a stage like this. Split them up. Different activities, different locations, different friends. If they can’t behave together, keep them apart for your own sanity. Make sure they know that you are keeping them apart because they can’t behave and co-operate.

My DCs are 22 (DS) and nearly 20 (DD) now and couldn’t be better friends. They really care about each other and look out for each other. It was a horrible, horrible phase and I actually thought they would kill each other at one stage. Somehow I think they just grew tired of aggravating each other but it was tough for us.

Seriously. Keep them apart. “If you can’t behave like human beings together, then you need to be apart because you spoil things for everyone else” was the mantra.

i could almost have written your post except my two can behave well for some periods at home maybe 1-4 hours across the 12 hours the are up, the other 8/9 or so hours sound exactly like yours chaotic, blood curdling screaming /refusal to do basic things like wash hands or get dressed and stress.

we try to separate them and this works some times.

its exhausting and distressing. im actually on anxiety medication now and i'm pretty sure it's related.

please look after yourself.

Go to the GP. I can only echo what other posters have said about children masking at school. I have taught several children like this, who are quiet and well behaved at school, then unleash their frustrations and anger at home. Most have gone on to be diagnosed with Autism or ADHD. Please go to the GP.

It's really hard, way too hard, to get referrals and diagnosis now. You have to fight and fight and fight. If you can afford it, by all means, go private but that may not help with school. Sometimes they only accept NHS diagnosis, some will accept the private one though. Unfortunately, diagnosis is not a magic wand since there are very limited resources available but it at least gives you a starting point, also if it is ADHD possibly medication which really could help a lot.

I feel for you, I really do, it can be so hard. I agree with posters above that a divide and conquer strategy may be your best survival mode for now. Either that or each take them both out for one day while the other gets a day free to breathe and get stuff done. Lots of physical activity to wear them out and make sleep more likely. Make sure they are eating well. Agree with your DH the things you are prepared to let slide and those you are not and how you will deal with those. Stick rigidly to whatever you decide. Minimise conflict by presenting the child with choices rather than with demands that must be met.

You matter too, don't feel you can't prioritise yourself sometimes in it all. Remember it won't last forever.

Maybe try and stop seeing the children as a battleground and change your weekends to avoid conflict and tension.

Find nice places to walk and play outdoors and go out for several hours each day. Good long walks are excellent for children and anxiety. Beaches, Country Parks, canal paths, mountains, moors - whatever is near you. Take a picnic you’ve prepared together or a BBQ whilst the weather is still good. Do a scavenger hunt, build sandcastles or dam streams, collect fir cones to spray for Christmas, get crabbing lines entirely depending where you live.

Then home for structured activities such as baking or cooking supper, making bread or soup. Maybe craft activity around the kitchen table (painting stones you’ve collected or making an autumn collage).

Don’t just leave them together and expect them to be fine.

@Vickister

I really doubt you work in the area....really really doubt it...

Your description sounds a lot life round my house, with my dyspraxic kids.

I’d agree with the divide and conquer advice, and having very strong routine and strategies in place. Just because you don’t have a diagnosis doesn’t mean you can’t research the conditions that you suspect and techniques that can help.

A really good book I found heped with thinking about my DS’s aggression ( 9 year old dyspraxic) was The Explosive Child. It’s a different way to look at the problem and the ideas for collaborative problem solving really helped me and my DS . I realised that my stress and anxiety around his meltdowns and aggression was leading to me being either super strict or just completely backing off in a “I give up” kind of way. The book helped me train myself, and eventually my DS to a place of flexibility and compromise. Now we have a 3 basket system where he helps decide which basket to put behaviours and situations in . So for instance basket 1 are things that are never allowed ( dangerous behaviour, physical hurting, being unkind , damaging property etc) basket 2 are things that are sometimes tolerated , depending on context ( ie rudeness vs cheekiness, staying up late sometimes, )
Basket 3 is things that are always allowed ( ie he can be untidy, he can be irritating, he can make mistakes)

It really helped us both to separate these things out into baskets and talk about them regularly. Took the pressure off me as I stopped feeling like I had to discipline all the time, then get so depressed that I gave up. It gave me more compassion and the ability to let some things go, without it feeling like I was a pushover. And it gave DS control, and a system he understood.

We discuss the baskets regularly and we move things around the baskets when we both agree.

Here’s a pdf paraphrasing the book, have a look, see if it rings some bells. www.slideshare.net/mobile/kathygregory1441/ross-greene

It’s not appropriate for every child, my friend whose son has high functioning autism reccomend it time, but didn’t like it herself as her son’s aggression is based on anxiety and therefore needed a completely different approach .

Cherry pavlova, with respect, as I know you mean well, I do all that and life at home with the kids still feels like a battleground.

First stop @Cococabongo is to see your GP and tell them how you are feeling. They may be able to help you with some anxiety meds in the short term and hopefully some talking therapy in the long term. I would also note down all that happens with regards your older DS and his behaviour. Go from pregnancy/birth (ie all ok? any issues) all the way through his development (emotional and physical) until now. Then take that along to a separate GP appt and give it to them and ask them to help.

I have no idea what if any diagnosis there will be, but your weekends shouldn't be filled with such dread. If you suspect a diagnosis of something, have you has a look at the NAS website? Having structure and routine, can help enormously: www.autism.org.uk/about/strategies.aspx

Then its disgusting that someone with your attitude works with children with SEN.

It's bad enough when your friends and family think your child is just 'naughty' and you're a shit parent, without the medical professionals having that opinion, even with a diagnosis that you've fought long and hard to get.

You have offended more than just squidgee..... And. I think you should re evaluate your attitude towards parent of sen children.
Are you basing your advice to parent's of children with challenging behavior to watch Supernanny??
In your profession you should be more than aware of masking. You should be encouraging people to seek help in whatever form that takes as opposed to watching Supernanny.
Jeesh....

Supernanny? Are you serious?