Aibu to be amazed by this attitude to working mums?

[princessmum1]

Just so amazed by this.

Post on a local mums group I’m on about 30 hours funding etc. Normal question.

Someone comments ‘I personally don’t understand why parents don’t wait until their child is at school they’re missing out on so much! 😞 x’

Then goes on to say ‘That’s what benefits are for. I personally can’t wait to get back to work but spending quality time with my children is a lot more important to me x’

Ummm.

I would love to stay at home until my kids start school.

But I can’t. I need to earn money. To pay for things.

Stalked her on facebook. Has a nice 3 bedroom house, most likely housing association with rent paid by benefits. Am I being unreasonable to be slightly angry that I work extremely hard in a full time job, to pay my mortgage, pay £1000 a month childcare, have little money left at the end of the month and I only have a small two bedroom flat. (South east)

It almost makes me want to just quit. But I won’t. Because I think you have to work for things in life. And benefits are there for people having a hard time in unforeseen circumstances. NOT because you want to be at home with your children until they’re at school. I know technically speaking I’m doing very well to be a home owner where I live, single parent and still work.

Anyway...

I’ve nothing to add except that we’re part of the same Facebook group- I’ve never found someone before.

Regardless, whether you stay at home or go to work, you’ll be judged so it’s just easier to forget about everyone else and not bother with comparison as her choice will eventually have its difficulties too

Why would you work 40 hours a week to live in worse conditions than a woman who works 0 hours a week?

I mean, if those were my choices, I'd choose the 0 hours and better house. Duh.

I disagree that working for this period is more important than making sure your child has the best quality care.
I was fortunate that my dh is paid enough that we didn’t have to rely on benefits
^^

Ah. Well, that's alright for you then isn't it?

Your DH'S position enables you to have this attitude, you do realise that? Do the math.

Because maybe sometimes, Lydia people wouldn't want to live in that house all of their lives.

Yabu to think you working "extremely hard" makes you superior to someone who rents their property from a social landlord.

@astonmartini apologies if I offended you and wasn’t very clear- up to age 3 there is no evidence of benefit from group childcare. But at age 3 & 4 there are clear benefits of group childcare for school transition. This is what I meant by disadvanting children who have just 1-1 care at age 3&4. Obviously this is at a population level- I’m not saying this applies to individual families as it depends on factors such as interaction with peers. But most SAHPs choose to send their kids to nursery a few hours a week age 3&4 because the benefits are widely accepted.

I stayed on benefits for 3 years until DS started school because I was better off than working and paying for nursery. It was a no brainer for me.

It wasn't a "lifestyle choice", I never intended to stay on benefits permanently and was lucky enough to find a school hours job when DS started school. Without any childcare costs I am now a lot better off working PT. I will eventually go full time at some point.

I didn't particularly like being on benefits, I was embarrassed to tell people but it was less stressful than working just to pay for nursery fees.

I would never judge anyone for working while their children are babies, I strongly believe people should do what works best for them as a family.

I'm really not bothered if people judge me for choosing to spend 3 years on benefits. I certainly wasn't living a life of luxury on them.

I totally agree with this. I am tired of being criticised for going back to work when my daughter is one

I don't know what circles some of you move in, but it's weird because I'm early 30s (meaning I know a LOT of people with young kids right now) and every single mum I know was back at work at least part time by the time their first child turned one. Mostly full-time. The longest time I've known anyone take off was a year. So I can't see how anyone would criticise something that almost everyone seems to do now!

I was fortunate that my dh is paid enough that we didn’t have to rely on benefits but I’d have claimed in a heartbeat if the alternative would have been putting my 12 month old in nursery.

Bully for you. It wouldn’t be financially viable for lots of people who earn significantly more than they’d get on benefits, even taking into account the cost of childcare.

I actually consider myself fortunate that my H doesn’t earn enough to keep all of us, I’d never want to be dependent on a man for my income.

OP the “that’s what benefits are for” comment tells you all you need to know about these people. Just ignore them.

Silly phone- I meant disadvantaging

Essentially it’s up to each family how they decide to care for their child. The most important determinant of child outcomes is whether there is a loving family, where the child is given the attention and support they need. The SAHP versus working parent debate is futile because the difference it makes is negligible. So many other factors are way more influential on child outcomes (SES, education level etc).

I feel this weird attitude daily at work (single working mother of two pre-schoolers). As I am defective in some way. But then I work in a 100% male team (apart from myself).

@AnoukSpirit

Those who can physically work should. They then contribute to the various devices they consume. The system is there to support he vulnerable and needy- not those who decide they'd rather not work and claim instead.

purple I'm so glad you're on this thread, so sensible (even if the op only ever lit the touch paper and stood back...).

I was very lucky I had a brilliant gp when dc1 was small. I was fretting about breastfeeding being so difficult, that I was desperate to go back to work..

He reminded me that a child is most helped by a sane parent, being loved, and consistency. He pointed out that he had to help mothers with many different issues. Some were putting cola in their baby's bottles, some were dealing with addiction, some were homeless.

He was very gentle and not trying to make me feel like a fusspot, but I gave myself a good shake and realised that those who helped look after my son were wonderful, me being at work was better for both of us, and I carried on breastfeeding for as long as I could.

The passive aggressive "I'm just thinking of the bubba" is not actually thinking about the bubba. They're justifying their own actions. If you love being home, great. If you love being at work, great.

If you are doing whatever your are doing because you don't have a choice, then more power to you, because that's the hardest place of all.

She is justifying her decision to stay at home, I am guessing she does not really have a career to return to. I do not agree with it and my DC thrived in nursery and now she is older she absolutely does not believe her place is in the home and has ambitions. Her late father was the main carer to some extent although he did work but not in a 9-5 capacity. It is great that they had this time together Her comment is offensive and stupid. If I had stayed at home and not earning we would now be in dire straits. I certainly did not miss out on anything and have managed to be a parent and work, even now as a widow Honestly the only peron this kind of comment reflects badly on is the person making it.

Sorry, not sure why there are no full stops!

No matter how you organise your life, someone will disapprove.

I’ve been sneered at for being a single mum, for being a working mum, for being a single mum who has the audacity to own her own home, even for having “too big” a vegetable garden.

Busybodies are 10 a penny, just focus on what’s right for you and leave others to do the same.

As someone else has said, it's about the long haul.I workedcwhen my docs were young.Sometimes the childcare was better than what I could have provided sometimes worse.. It certainly took a huge proportion of our disposable income and I had days when I was envious of the (usually single).parents on tax credits,doing the bear 16 hours. However surviving on a single wage would have been incredibly difficult (Just above tax credit threshold) .By the time they were school age I was in a position to work pre and now they are teenagers the extra money I earn having stayed in a the workplace makes an absolute world of difference. Those mums whom I was envious of 10 years ago are still in intermittent low paid jobs. One owns her house but it's too small really now, the other is in insecure rental properties.As I say 10 years ago you'd struggle to see clear light between us. Now we are worlds.apart.

Sorry forntypos posting the dark so as not to wake th. It goes without saying dc (12 and 14).are not just fine but thriving.

@PurpleFlowersInMyHair
Your children will not have high cognitive functioning because you spent most of their early years with them- in fact chances are they will be disadvantaged if they are not attending quality childcare. There are so many advantages to group childcare.
I would argue that for babies and toddlers group childcare doesn't provide the "many advantages" you imply and by the time the benefits of this type of arrangement kick in (3ish I believe the research suggests) then the child will be on the relatively short countdown to school anyway. I'm not saying I disagree that socialisation etc isn't important but I do think your post is disingenuous.

You must have spent a lot of time stalking. I have no idea how many bedrooms/ what type of house my Facebook friends live in. A spot of weekend benefit bashing perhaps?

In the greater scheme of things she's actually a big fat zero loser who's hiding behind being a good mum, in her eyes. You're a better mum for providing with your own sweat and not from other people's. I hate benefit as a lifestyle choice. Why should anyone work hard and fund someone else's lifestyle?

Benefit as a lifestyle choice needs bashing! It is not right. Here comes people who can't read and understand my post.

There's a big difference between a single mum on benefits as she has no other choice and a holier-than-thou Mum who chooses to claim benefits rather than work for a living so she can have a comfortable life at home looking after her DC.

I'm currently expecting our first child. I'm relatively successful in my career, ambitious and currently the main breadwinner (although it's a relatively negligible difference). My DH and are equals in our marriage. Why should I put my personal life on hold for 10-15 plus years so WE can have a family? I applaud mothers who can stop working and want to - good for them! - but honestly if I had to give up my career I'd worked hard for and studied hard for to have children then I probably would never have children. I'm lucky that DH has expressed an interest in working PT or that I potentially have the flexibility of PT so I can explore the possibility of having the best of both worlds.

I've been shocked at the amount of (generally more mature) ladies who have outright asked me if and when I am going back to work after baby is born. Someone actually told me she had a mother return to work in her team after 7 months after her husband was made redundant and she "wept in the toilet for a day because that poor baby is so unloved". It makes me so angry.

*professional, not personal! 🙈

You can't know the ins and out of her life in the way you describe. You've jealously stalked her on Facebook and then concocted a story from your own imagination

She could be somebody that's worked all her life and has paid into the system for all you know. She may not even be on benefits. This is just a benefits bashing/WOHM Vs SAHM diss post isn't it?

We should have long ago stopped defining ourselves as women via working outside the home as if that's the only thing gthat gves us and who we are and what we do, value.and status.

I stayed at home when mine were little and didn't give a shiny shit about what anyone may have thought. None of their business albeit nobody ever said a word about it to me anyway.. All this looking over the fence at other people's grass then publicly going off about it really seems to be a fairly new-ish thing

Well not publicly technically I suppose because you thought all this didn't you OP but I guess you didn't vocalise it to her