Aibu to be amazed by this attitude to working mums?

[princessmum1]

Just so amazed by this.

Post on a local mums group I’m on about 30 hours funding etc. Normal question.

Someone comments ‘I personally don’t understand why parents don’t wait until their child is at school they’re missing out on so much! 😞 x’

Then goes on to say ‘That’s what benefits are for. I personally can’t wait to get back to work but spending quality time with my children is a lot more important to me x’

Ummm.

I would love to stay at home until my kids start school.

But I can’t. I need to earn money. To pay for things.

Stalked her on facebook. Has a nice 3 bedroom house, most likely housing association with rent paid by benefits. Am I being unreasonable to be slightly angry that I work extremely hard in a full time job, to pay my mortgage, pay £1000 a month childcare, have little money left at the end of the month and I only have a small two bedroom flat. (South east)

It almost makes me want to just quit. But I won’t. Because I think you have to work for things in life. And benefits are there for people having a hard time in unforeseen circumstances. NOT because you want to be at home with your children until they’re at school. I know technically speaking I’m doing very well to be a home owner where I live, single parent and still work.

Anyway...

I would assume based on the poster's opinion of benefits that she was a NMW worker so taking 4 years out from work won't make the blind bit of difference to her future earning potential. You need think long-term OP. Benefits only last while the child is at school.

I dont feel envious of single mothers on benefits. Personally think single mums are in a catch 22, if they get a job, then they struggle with school drop offs & pick ups and the holidays. Theres not many 10-2 term time only vacancies. Single mums on benefits really do scrape by. If they live in a council house, its not theirs. it's nice to know that benefits are there to fall back on but I'd never aspire to be on them.

I'd message her and tell her to change her Facebook settings because nosey judgemental people can see where she lives.

@pork they're are some fantastic nurseries that provide outstanding care. Nannies and GP aren't the only high quality options available. For some children nursery is a more suitable option.

And, for many women, returning to work isn't all about the money.

*there are

I’ve just gone back to work having had 14 months off and it’s glorious! I don’t need to work as husband well paid but I love it.

I love my children but I love working also and love the balance. My children are super happy with their nanny/school

I agree with PP I’m lucky to be Senior now so have loads of flexibility-school plays/navieties etc are not a problem.

I'm outta here,

Same predictable bun fight.

Comparison is the thief of joy

Personally I'd have lost my mind if I hadn't gone back to work. For some being at home is all they ever wanted, people should do whatever makes them happy, I'm afraid YABU.

I hate it when people are so judgemental. Do whatever is right for you and your family but posts like that are just designed to try and make other people feel guilty. If your objective is to make another person feel bad, you're either a shit person or massively insecure about something and trying to make you feel better about your own choices by putting other people down. Especially when you're asking a question about nursery hours - that is in no way an invitation to debate the pros and cons of nursery childcare.

I would be very tempted to post a link to research showing that at age 3 most studies show that 30 hours in nursery benefit children and they are ahead of their peers in social and academic measures (eg empathy measures, reasoning, range of language etc). But there wouldn't be any point as she has already decided her way is the right way and not only for her, but for everyone. So I'd bite my tongue and move on

I think the benefit thing is a separate issue, clearly benefits are not there just so parents can choose to spend per school years with their children, and she will have pissed off every working / tax paying person that read her post!

YANBU
I hate these judgemental parents who think their way is the only correct way. I thought things had moved on nowadays and women had the choice to work if they wanted or stay at home if they wanted (although obviously money plays a big role in anybody’s ‘choice’)
I’m a SAHM and as far as I’m aware you can’t just make the choice to be a stay at home parent and then claim benefits for it? Also the 30 hours is only if you work 16hours a week or more. I don’t work and my toddler is in a school nursery for the 15 free hours. I felt very sad when she first went in, but I think it’s important to try and get her used to being in a school environment so that reception doesn’t come as a massive shock to her. If I was working I would obviously take advantage of the free 30 hours and pay for wrap around care to cover the rest.
I hate it when people have that shitty attitude about other people’s parenting. You might not have the choice to stay at home, and even if you do why should you if it’s not the right fit for your family? It’s what works best for us, but is by no means perfect and I definitely see the benefit in being a working parent too. Ignore her x

If they are happy to raise their child to that standard then smile and wave. You really can’t argue with stupid

I was flamed on here for having my DD in nursery full time since 1.5 years. No other choice as I run two businesses and her father is not around to help. I’m sure I’d be flamed if I was on benefits too. Can’t win as a mother

really? ive only ever experience the opposite, been called scum, down and out and my personal “favourite” benefits street. as I dont work (carer for my disabled child)

I disagree that working for this period is more important than making sure your child has the best quality care.
I was fortunate that my dh is paid enough that we didn’t have to rely on benefits

Didn't read this silly post past this point. I didn't need to read past the first quoted sentence though, I knew exactly what was coming. It's the only way anyone could not understand that earning money is actually quite an important part of parenting. Hey, my kids might sleep in the gutter and have holes in their shoes but damn we do a lot of finger painting!

I work 8-12/1 so am home for the school run and too spend the majority of thier day with them. I’ve never missed out on any of my kids milestones. The only thing I don’t do is take them to school. Not everyone has the luxury to be a SAHM. Ignore them and do what’s right for you, they have no idea of your situation and quite frankly it’s non of there business. As long as your kids are cared for or loved who cares if you miss a few hours here or there as long as your thier for the big stuff.

Lookatyourwatchnow the woman the op is talking about is providing food and shelter for her child. In fact the op is jealous of her bigger house!
The only difference is that instead of her paying someone else to look after her child through in work benefits she is choosing to care for her child herself. Something she is entitled to do.
It’s not that bubba particularly needs mum it’s that it’s better for children under 3 in every measurable outcome to have 1-1 care. Be that with mum, dad, nanny, gp, aunt or whoever.
The only thing the woman has done wrong is to foist her opinion where it wasn’t asked for.

fugi 9 month here. Had to for the training that I needed for my dds 2 private ed. Swings and round abouts.

I didn't go back to work until ds was in school because I knew he would be our only child and we could afford it, and I found being a sahm a walk in the park, but bloody hell there is the thick end of fuck all wrong with going back as early as you want /need to.

There are bills to be paid. That does not make you a less caring mother.

That attitude pisses me off immensely.

My mum had to go back to work when I was six weeks old and got put on a ward full of babies (nurse) and ended up leaking milk everywhere. She probably wasn't physically ready to go back but my dad was a student and if they were going to eat and keep the house warm (I'm an autumn /winter birthday) well then she needed to work. She is also a really very excellent mother who put me first, always. Even now I am an adult with my own child.

That woman is clearly a very judgmental peice of work.

@PorkFlute what a lot of codswallop you talk. Your children will not have high cognitive functioning because you spent most of their early years with them- in fact chances are they will be disadvantaged if they are not attending quality childcare. There are so many advantages to group childcare. Also you will not have a better relationship with your child simply because you spent more time with them, it’s QUALITY time which is important and ft working parents can certainly have that.

I am a ft working mum and don’t feel an ounce of guilt. My child benefits immensely from childcare, runs equally to Mum or dad if she hurts herself or is ill. She doesn’t rely on me, she’s really independent and very socialised. But we still have a very close bond, she constantly hugs me and tells me she loves me (as do I to her). Our relationship and her cognitive/ social development is not affected by me working ft in the slightest- in fact it’s probably just enhanced it!

So, you admit you want to work, where's the problem?
The £1k you spend on childcare would be saved if you didn't work.
You have made your choice, she has made her choice.

@karyatide yeah in real life I've never, ever seen/heard anyone say 'that's what benefits are for' re: SAHM either. Funny innit.

I could be a SAHM but I'm choosing not to be because I love my job and would go completely fucking mad if I was at home with the toddler all day every day. I also like having some disposable income to dye my hair funny colours and buy pretty clothes. I'm happier this way. Also my toddler loves nursery, has made lots of friends and gets stimulation and socialisation of a level I couldn't provide at home by myself.

Take THAT.

There are quite a lot of people who have different attitudes towards benefits and see them as an entitlement for certain lifestyle. There is absolutely no doubt that in some cases people are better off financially living on benefits rather than working when you consoder what some jobs pay, all that effort, juggling time etc and childcare. Something I could never do as I feel a duty to work and contribute. However living with that benefits mindset is a trap though and in the long term, particularly when the kids grow up and the benefits support isn’t as good (particulalf for single parents), the parent can be left facing quite a poor old age if they have not worked for a decade or two. And that’s not even starting to factor in the mental impact of being in benefits all the time , not being in workforce and “connected” feeing like you’re making a contribution to society etc.