Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner filmed me without my consent

82 replies

positivityiskey · 28/09/2018 20:05

As the title suggests, I have recently discovered my partner has been secretly filming me on his phone without my knowledge. To explain further, we have recently had a baby and have been arguing a lot. He has been treating me quite badly tbh. I called him out on his behaviour a month or so ago and rather than accept responsibility he blamed me for 'driving' him to it as all my focus is now on our newborn baby and that it's not right. I thought things were getting better as he stopped the aggression (he shouts a lot) and started spending more time with us. Recently he has started saying some quite horrible things about me (claiming I have PND and claiming that my mental health is deteriorating which I admit I have previously struggled with). He is claiming I can't cope and that I am struggling. He is calling me a bad Mum. He has accused me of drinking/taking drugs whilst at home with the baby (I am t-total - have been for years).
For the record I feel like super woman since having my baby and my mental health has never been better! I know (and my family and friends have assured me) that I am doing a fab job!
It turns out he has been secretly filming me during these horrible conversations and whilst I remain calm during the first hour or so of accusations/questioning, after hours of this verbal torture I do occasionally snap and tell him to fuck off/leave me alone/cry etc. I also have reason to believe he has filmed me during certain night feeds when I go to his to his room (we sleep separately because he works and needs his sleep) and ask him for help. When I have been up all night/exhausted I may not come across as the best Mum in world and I can be emotional.
He recently told me these negative videos of me exist and showed me certain clips to prove it. He has threatened to use them against me to show the world what a bad Mum I am.
I am so upset. I feel absolutely violated. I can't believe the man I love/father of my child has deceived me in such a way to try and portray me in a negative light. AIBU to end the relationship and leave him over this? Am I correct in thinking this is illegal? I need some advice as I don't know what to do moving forward? Sorry for the long post and thanks in advance x

OP posts:
Pollypanda · 28/09/2018 20:08

How awful for you. I have never said this before but you need to leave this man and never look back. What he is doing to you is abuse. You poor thing, do you have friends or family you can stay with? x

ResistanceIsNecessary · 28/09/2018 20:08

You know you are not being unreasonable to end the relationship.

Pack a bag, ring your Mum and grab the baby and go.

He sounds horribly controlling and abusive. And there is no way in hell any judge or social worker would take his videos seriously. They'd be more likely to ask him why the hell he was videoing you instead of offering to help.

sarahsnail · 28/09/2018 20:10

YANBU
You need to leave, he sounds like he is just going to keep chipping away at you.

And what planet is he on? getting you emotional and upset and filming you rather than being supportive and helping.

Celestia26 · 28/09/2018 20:14

You must leave this man. If you can't go immediately with your children, then first thing tomorrow.

What a horrible abusive disgusting person.

You and your children deserve better. Do not waste another single second on him.

It may work in your favour if these recordings exist and someone official sees them, as it will show how utterly inhinged he is.

Wishing you all the best x

TwinkleMerrick · 28/09/2018 20:16

This is mental abuse, I also think you need to leave him. I know it's easier said than done, especially when you have a new baby. But you have another little person to think about now. Also I hate it when men say 'all your focus is on the new baby' well YEAH what do you expect!! That's the way it should be. I once new a lovely couple who I admired as all my relationships had failed up to that point. I asked them both how they made it work. The husband said something that stuck with me ever since. He said 'it's my wife's job to look after the family, it's my job to look after her'. This is so true. If a man doesn't look after you how can you do your job as a mother. Food for thought. Sending you a big hug xx

Oobis · 28/09/2018 20:20

Good grief, he has got a problem. You don't (other than him). He sounds very controlling and it doesn't bode well for a long term happy relationship, especially if he wishes to use past issues as weapons against you. He is trying to make you doubt yourself. You need to talk this through with someone, whether a friend, family member or healthcare professional. This is not on.
Take lots of care and carry on being superwoman. That's great to hear Smile

Seniorschoolmum · 28/09/2018 20:20

Op, do you think he intends to use the videos to guilt you into giving him more attention, or is he trying to gain evidence so he can make a move for custody.

Because for anyone to secretly film someone in the middle of the night, when they could be asleep, I’d say he has something in mind.
You know this isn’t right. I think you need to get out.

MrsJane · 28/09/2018 20:20

Bloody hell, that’s horrific! He sounds evil!!

You need to leave him ASAP. Get advice and support from women’s aid.

Good luck OP. Flowers

littlestrawby · 28/09/2018 20:28

OP, is your partner named on the birth certificate? If not I'd keep it like that for the time being to protect yourself.

He sounds absolutely terrible, you really must get away from this man asap.

Wishing you best of luck and congratulations on your little baby. I am sure you're a fantastic mummy Flowers

FunSponges · 28/09/2018 20:29

Jesus Christ that's horrific. Get away from him now before it gets soo much worse and he ruins your MH.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2018 20:32

YANBU to leave him immediately. His behaviour is toxic. You must be exhausted and now shell shocked by finding out he’s been filming you.

Have you got somewhere you can go?

Failingat40 · 28/09/2018 20:32

Red flags all over this.

Do you have any idea what his motives are for doing this?

Could he be planning on divorcing you and applying for full custody of the baby?

I don't know what to say other than try not to engage with him and make your exit plan ASAP.

Cheby · 28/09/2018 20:33

Get out. ASAP. You deserve better.

shallichangemyname · 28/09/2018 20:34



kaytee87 · 28/09/2018 20:36

He's a horrible, horrible cunt. Leave him now and don't look back.

kaytee87 · 28/09/2018 20:38

He won't get full custody of the baby. He won't even get overnights for a couple of years, assuming he's at work and you're the primary carer which it sounds like.
Don't let him take the baby out of your sight. Judges aren't stupid, they'll see right through him.

Gemini69 · 28/09/2018 20:38

I agree OP .. this is not rational behaviour.. he has crossed lines and you need to leave Flowers

RachelRosie · 28/09/2018 20:39

100% leave. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job of being a mum, especially whilst doing most of it on your own by the sounds of it. Do not let him make you think otherwise.

Get yourself safe, you and your little one deserve far better x

shallichangemyname · 28/09/2018 20:39

Sorry I tried to post a photo. Fail.
The photo was a screenshot of an old post which resonated with me. It said:
Narcissistic people will make up rumours and stories about the condition of their mate or target's mental health in order to undermine their credibility should they ever try to break their silence as a victim

My narcissistic ex started making videos of me as our relationship deteriorated. Which he perpetually tried to use to blackmail, threaten and intimidate me. The police say it's valuable evidence of his abuse. Not normal behaviour. Run like the wind.

PeakedTooEarly · 28/09/2018 20:40

Wow Op this crosses every single bloody norm. I would be gone so fast. There can be no excuse for his behaviour. None. He should be supporting you at this stage not tearing you down. What a bastard!

Xenia · 28/09/2018 20:40

We do need people to realise they should not film without consent. It is getting more and more common in all kinds of contexts and even if sometimes lawful is nasty and unfair to people. It is the same with on the street, in cars, some teachers wearing webcams, etc etc. We are under constant big brother surveillance and it seems to be getting worse and worse.

By chance I am scanning tonight my 1984/5 diary from when we had our first baby and it is interesting seeing how difficult it was at times with a tiny baby who hardly slept at all and then other times how happy we were with her and I wrote she was the best thing that ever happened and in there are some of the things we said to each other all those years later but that was a private diary of mine not for anyone else. Recording on a phone is far more intrusive.

On the other hand if one of you were beating the other up or tossing the baby across the room most of us would think some evidence of that would be a very good thing to have. Ditto in care homes anbd nurseries - you can see why family want to record staff at all times to check for abuse and yet i woudl not like to be that care home worker or nanny recorded 24/7. The information Commissioner just issued a note about a local authority forcing taxies to record and the ICO said the authorities must make it clear the recording should not take place when the cab drivers were off duty and just relaxing in their own cab or taking their children out as that would breach data protection law.

People in most cases should know when they are being records. I am getting sick of my teenage son being on a call where his friends can hear or see me. I almost go into the room with a towel over me to check for recording before I speak now.

ledzepplintooasiseclectic · 28/09/2018 20:42

my word how truly horrendous. This isnt a healthy relationship. This is a man purposefully going out of his way to film you when you are at your most vulnerable...for what purpose? You have said it is so he can show people what a bad mum you are...and there is your answer...time to leave I am afraid. What a truly horrible man he is...if i went through in a state of distress to my DP as I was feeling at my wits end he wouldnt film me he would take the baby and give me a break. Thats kind of normal and healthy...sounds like this man is jealous of your new baby

CisMyArse · 28/09/2018 20:42

Pack a bag for you and baby and get to your Mum's. Like a pp said, any one in a position of authority will wonder what the hell he was doing filming your exhaustion and distress when he should have been helping you.

You and your baby deserve better. He will get worse and worse.

Go get your bags.

Dollypeeps · 28/09/2018 20:43

Get all your ducks in a row and leave ASAP.

I also wonder if he's doing this to get a divorce and take the baby.

JoJoshua1 · 28/09/2018 20:43

I'm so sorry to read this.. it is not normal. You sound like you are doing an amazing job amd he is using your history (information you have entrusted him with) against you. Carry on being you and enjoying your beautiful baby. It's precious times that are gone so quick. Also, I'm so pleased you are talking to your loved ones who are fully supporting you. Good luck with what you decide is best xx

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.