Partner filmed me without my consent

[positivityiskey]

As the title suggests, I have recently discovered my partner has been secretly filming me on his phone without my knowledge. To explain further, we have recently had a baby and have been arguing a lot. He has been treating me quite badly tbh. I called him out on his behaviour a month or so ago and rather than accept responsibility he blamed me for 'driving' him to it as all my focus is now on our newborn baby and that it's not right. I thought things were getting better as he stopped the aggression (he shouts a lot) and started spending more time with us. Recently he has started saying some quite horrible things about me (claiming I have PND and claiming that my mental health is deteriorating which I admit I have previously struggled with). He is claiming I can't cope and that I am struggling. He is calling me a bad Mum. He has accused me of drinking/taking drugs whilst at home with the baby (I am t-total - have been for years).
For the record I feel like super woman since having my baby and my mental health has never been better! I know (and my family and friends have assured me) that I am doing a fab job!
It turns out he has been secretly filming me during these horrible conversations and whilst I remain calm during the first hour or so of accusations/questioning, after hours of this verbal torture I do occasionally snap and tell him to fuck off/leave me alone/cry etc. I also have reason to believe he has filmed me during certain night feeds when I go to his to his room (we sleep separately because he works and needs his sleep) and ask him for help. When I have been up all night/exhausted I may not come across as the best Mum in world and I can be emotional.
He recently told me these negative videos of me exist and showed me certain clips to prove it. He has threatened to use them against me to show the world what a bad Mum I am.
I am so upset. I feel absolutely violated. I can't believe the man I love/father of my child has deceived me in such a way to try and portray me in a negative light. AIBU to end the relationship and leave him over this? Am I correct in thinking this is illegal? I need some advice as I don't know what to do moving forward? Sorry for the long post and thanks in advance x

Take the baby? Don't make me laugh. This is a man who won't even sleep in the same room because he needs his sleep. Diddums. He's just a bullying arse.

Lots of them talk the talk - in reality few actually want the "wife work".

Congrats on your strong mental health in spite of all his twattery and a newborn.

Well done. Run and don't look back. My truly horrendous ex used to so this to me. It was utterly violating and abusive.

Copy all your contacts/friends numbers from your phone onto paper, then delete them all from the sim. Then buy yourself a cheap £10 pay-as-you-go phone and start using that instead (until you can afford something better) so he can't see who you call or use it to track your movements. Move in with your Mum if possible. Stay safe and get out asap.

Do you claim child benefit op?

Good point - maybe his salary before precluded it (another reason CB should never have been means tested as it was sometimes the only money mums got when they were landed with prize arseholes like this) - get onto that ASAP

@BakedBeans47 you can still always claim it, the higher earner just has to pay it back through their taxes. A measure to protect women like op.
I claim cb and my husband pays it back

My ex used to like doing stuff like this. It was domestic abuse, and when those tactics didn't work he turned to aggression, spite, violence. I broke up with him for a bit and it got so much worse. Often I wish I had broken up with him after he demanded to read my private messages to prove I wasn't cheating, that's the kind of place it starts and then it's all downhill from there. Please don't excuse this behaviour, the number of women I have met in recovery from domestic relationships who have been through similar experiences never ceases to take my breath away.

No car, no phone, no house is worth the damage he's doing to your mental health and the damage he will do to a child. A bully bullies, end of. Their children are NOT exempt and in fact are usually primary victims. My friend walked out with nothing but the clothes on her and her DS's back. Not saying you have to do that, just don't stay to fight for something that is not really worth fighting for compared to your and your child's mental well being. Houses are nothing but bricks and sticks, you and your child are precious living beings who are loved by and important to others.

Talk to your mum and set a date for you to leave. Try to time it for when he is not there, either a work day or a sporting event or some time he's out of town for work or 'play'. Then pack your bags and go. If possible, try to get your important papers and sentimental items out ahead of time if they won't be noticed missing.

If you want to get this down on record officially without going to the police go to your doctor and tell them you are worried about your partner's behaviour and your lack of sleep etc. It goes on record then.

Oh my God OP, the more I read of your updates, the more I think what an utterly abusive cunt he is
I rarely say this on here, but honestly ltb. Ltb TONIGHT.

I'm glad you have your Mum there to help. It sounds as though she is aware of what he's really like. If you can go and stay with her right now, please do. If not then first thing in the morning.

Thank you again for all of your support. The more I discuss my relationship and these comments with my Mum (finally being honest with her and myself) I am realising that his behaviour has been abusive for years. Quite a shock to the system to accept this. I can't believe I have been so stupid. It was only recently he accused me of attacking him (I reached for his phone and he pushed me to the ground whilst keeping it away from me). He really made me believe it was my fault and that I 'started it'. He even called the police on me but sent them away saying it was a mistake when they turned up. I didn't mention this earlier as he had honestly convinced me it was my fault? I'm such an idiot. All of a sudden his behaviour is all adding up and I honestly can't believe I have put up with it for so long. I wish I posted on here months ago. As an update, I am still at the family home but I have told him the relationship is over. He is staying away for a few nights (very common as he needs 'breaks' away from us as he works very hard - his words not mine). I will be putting the wheels in motion to leave first thing tomorrow morning. As a PP suggested no house, car, phone etc is worth it. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this support x

I'm relieved to hear that you will be moving out tomorrow, OP. He well and truly took control over your life, while repeatedly putting you down and making you feel bad about yourself. Well done on stopping him and regaining yourself.

I wonder about these 'breaks' from his family. What a strange thing. Selfish, too.

Don't forget to submit your child benefit and CMS claims right away.

Sending best wishes for a happier future for you and your DS.

It was only recently he accused me of attacking him (I reached for his phone and he pushed me to the ground whilst keeping it away from me). He really made me believe it was my fault and that I 'started it'. He even called the police on me but sent them away saying it was a mistake when they turned up. I didn't mention this earlier as he had honestly convinced me it was my fault?

OP, this sounds like he was trying to build up "evidence" against you for whatever reason. I'd start making notes about what happened and when.

Also, once you are out (hopefully tomorrow), perhaps call women's aid or 101 for advice, get it down on record somewhere about this behaviour, especially the filming and the so called "attack".

Oh love, I'm so happy to hear this. Try to get as much out of the house as you can, but if you can't be sure you film or take pictures of the things that belong to you and to your LO. Hopefully, you'll be able to get them later. But don't be surprised if you aren't able to, so be sure to box/bag up the irreplaceable things, like pictures, sentimental items and documents.

Whilst he is away please photocopy bank statements payslips and other important documents so when it comes to the divorce /child maintenance you have evidence ! Make sure you get what you are entitled to - plus I’d take everything you can for the baby - good luck xxx

If he turns up whilst you are leaving get a friend or family member with you as a witness , he may try and turn the tables on you or could get aggressive as he’s finally lost his control over you and you have seen him in his true light , please be careful xx

Agree with pp, please be careful. This is a dangerous time now as he knows you intend to leave. Can your mum be with you at the house or maybe a friend?

Well done, OP. Good luck.

You sound incredibly strong op, I am so pleased to hear that you have ended it. Your mum sounds very supportive - exactly what you need right now. I am hoping someone here will be able to give you some advice on your legal rights, given that you are not married and all assets are in his name - your position is precarious I'm afraid. However, if he's a high earner then child maintenance is the minimum you can expect (which should be sizeable).

Stay strong, get plenty of advice and support.

He's keeping this up for hours! Anyone would snap. Oh op, you don't deserve this. You need to get rid of him somehow. Don't let any man treat you this way.

I'm glad you know that you're doing an amazing job, that these vile seeds he's planting haven't stuck. Also that your MH is good - this abuse would mess up many a person's MH, make no mistake, this is abuse and you should tell him so.

Get rid OP!

💐💐💐

Please call women’s aid for their support and advice on staying safe and reporting his abuse. I hope you will consider reporting it because it will help you with the following:

1. You can make a homelessness application to your local council, and you will get help because you are leaving an abusive relationship and are a single parent
2. If he wants contact with the baby and takes any legal action it will be important that his abuse is on record, so that contact is limited

Op, so glad to hear you are leaving straight away. Well done you.
The only thing I would say is that when you leave is the most dangerous time with an abusive man. They cannot believe they have lost control. I assume your mum is coming to get you, but it may be worth getting another friend to come too.
Obviously take the phone so you can copy all of your contacts, photos etc. See whether you can get it unlocked and put a new SIM card in.

Well done on starting your new life; really proud of you!

Oh and I also meant to say, assuming you have no income or savings, you can claim benefits: income support, child tax credits and housing benefit (or universal credit instead of those three, if it’s been introduced in your area) and council tax reduction. Plus child benefit obviously as PPs have mentioned.

Oh my goodness you really have found an absolute grade 10 abuser! You poor thing.
Please call women's aid for some advice about how to leave and what to do next

OP, this sounds like he was trying to build up "evidence" against you for whatever reason. I'd start making notes about what happened and when.*
*
100% agree with this. He's up to something. I think he's trying to make out that you're having a breakdown. Please leave as soon as you can.

I don't think he was trying to build evidence. I think it was just part of his plan to control, manipulate and threaten her. To keep her exactly where he wants her.
Those videos if anything will work against him. He is clearly trying to break her down and make her completely dependent on him, which is what abusers do. He's already done it with the finances.
I agree with calling women's aid. And be very careful now. If he thinks you are leaving he may become violent.