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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you just not belong

100 replies

perroy · 28/09/2018 11:31

Have had this feeling all my life. The unloved ousider. It does not make a difference how hard i try. AIBU is it only me?

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 28/09/2018 11:34

Definitely not just you. I've stopped trying to fit in and am focusing more on putting myself first. It's not an ideal solution but trying to be something I'm not is exhausting.

RachaelGeller · 28/09/2018 11:35

All your life... did you feel this way as a child? Do you think that’s why you feel this way now as an adultV

RachaelGeller · 28/09/2018 11:35

?*

Motherhood101Fail · 28/09/2018 11:36

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Twixes · 28/09/2018 11:37

Yes I also have this feeling. Pretty much no friends, anyone who was close has either drifted or fell out with (ex best friend dumped me).

I also feel left out of my own family, I've four sisters who organise things amongst themselves, get in touch with each other etc but they rarely bother with me. It's shit.

Poulnabron · 28/09/2018 11:37

Have you lived/worked in the same place all your life? It can simply be that you and your environment are a poor 'fit'. I'm socially confident, and have never had issues making friends in adulthood, but certainly don't have much of a connection in the village we've lived in for almost six years, and, alone of all the places I've ever lived, have made no real friends here. It's not for want of trying, going to every possible baby group, having a child at pre-school and school etc.

PoisonousSmurf · 28/09/2018 11:40

Always had this feeling. And the older I get the more 'liberated' I feel!
So in the long run it's a good thing Smile

Fatasfook · 28/09/2018 11:41

Same here. I’ve always felt a bit different and left out. I spend a lot of time alone but I’ve made a choice to not let it bother me and instead focus on what is good. Also remind myself that other people bring drama and hassle into life and its Better to keep things simple.

Alchemic · 28/09/2018 11:44

I've always felt this way too, like an outsider. When I was younger I used to think I wasn't a human at all and came from another planet.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/09/2018 11:46

I felt like this for a long time. Eventually I found some odder groups to spend time with (mental health nurses and live action roleplayers) and I feel like I belong. I suspect I have undiagnosed ASD tbh, but changing my environment has made things much better.

FabulousTomatoes · 28/09/2018 11:50

I’m very sociable. On the outside I probably come across as switched-on, gregarious, confident and popular. I have a great life which is very much sorted out. But deep down I’m actually quite shy and awkward around people, and I worry too much about saying and doing the ‘wrong thing’. I feel a huge sense of isolation and misplacement sometimes, and always on the periphery of social groups. Not sure if that helps at all, but it might offer another perspective Smile

Ninoo25 · 28/09/2018 11:53

YANBU ive always been like this, apart from in university where on my course I was amongst like minded people, unfortunately I only really keep in touch with them every now and then via Facebook now as we all live in different parts of the country.

MadisonAvenue · 28/09/2018 12:10

This is how I've always felt; the outsider on the edge of everything.

Forty years on I still remember, as clearly as anything, playing out on our street after school with my friends when it was decided that we'd go and play in one of their back gardens. I was last to the garden gate and they closed it on me and stood laughing behind it to stop me getting in.
That's pretty much how my life has been since in one way or another Confused

I'm a loner, an introvert, I'm happy with my own company, I tend to shy away from social situations nowadays. Or at least I try to. I never feel like I'm somewhere because the person wants me there, it's because they feel obliged to invite me.

Chiffon · 28/09/2018 12:12

100% feel like this. I haven't found my people yet. I feel a little lost.

Cronesquerness · 28/09/2018 12:13

It is not only you, I felt the same since childhood, 51 now and don't give a shit about fitting in and I'm glad I never did.

Chiffon · 28/09/2018 12:14

I feel like a lone wolf trying to fit in with a herd of sheep if that makes any sense. A very lonely lone wolf.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 28/09/2018 12:15

Billy no mates here.
Was popular at school, had a dc at 17, never fit in anywhere, at 47 still don't.
No relatives either.
Dh is fab though!!
And dc keep me sane (ish?).

Chiffon · 28/09/2018 12:15

I just wish I could be a sheep for even one day to see what it's like to be normal.

belinda789 · 28/09/2018 12:20

To "Chiffon" and "Alchemic"
You are probably an Indigo Child - like me...…...

Chiffon · 28/09/2018 12:26

Everyone in life seems to have lovely family, husbands, extended family and friends. I have no-one. I don't have any diagnosis of anything. I did however experience daily physical and mental abuse as a child and ended up in a 7 year long physically abusive relationship. I can function relatively ok at work, but I struggle with alcohol use. My MH has taken a battering and is rather precarious. I'm trusting, passionate, fair and friendly. But I'm also sometimes deeply depressed, lonely and passionately suicidal. I think I'm just a little bit lost. My parents are separated (due to the abuse from my mother extending to my father and him having an affair - still with the OW 23 years later). My mother is an absolute bitch and has stolen so much of my life from me. I have no friends, no family. I tend to get passionately emotionally involved with unavailable men very easily (by unavailable I mean emotionally unavailable). I get hurt, I break, I pick myself up again. Life is just one ongoing war. I'm 41 in a month.

Chiffon · 28/09/2018 12:29

What's an indigo child?

slippyshoesshuffle · 28/09/2018 12:32

I recommend doing the Briggs Myers (a respected psychometric measure) personality test, you can find free versions online. If from the test you turn out to be, say, a 'logician' or 'architect' type personality that could go some way towards helping you to understand the way you are and your friendship style. At the very least, it's a starting point.

The one person you can absolutely rely on to love you is yourself, if you can come round to that way of thinking. Belonging is a state of mind, and that's not meant tritely, only you can decide where that may be.

(INTP female here, and I understand very well how you feel.) Flowers

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 28/09/2018 12:35

My DP has said this to me. Before we got together he said he never fit with his family or even his life and he never felt like he belonged. He says since he's met me he's felt like he's finally in a 'proper family' and feels like he belongs, we moved from one side of the country to another, he got a new job in a different industry and he finally feels like he fits in both home and work life now.

People can feel like this, so it's definitely not you

Chiffon · 28/09/2018 12:36

I've had every test done by previous employers and I come out strongly as an extrovert. I genuinely do need to be around people. I just think I'm the wolf wanting to join in the party with the sheep lol. Nobody wants me there as I'm somehow glaringly obviously different to them and they can sense it, even if I'm wearing sheep's clothing.

theendofeverything · 28/09/2018 12:38

Yep, know exactly how you feel, always feel on the outside looking in. I can socialise but can only do it for a certain length of time before I find it draining and want to leave (unless I have had a few Wine Blush ).

Maybe we should start a club and have meet ups!

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