Do you just not belong

[perroy]

Have had this feeling all my life. The unloved ousider. It does not make a difference how hard i try. AIBU is it only me?

Yes I always felt like this. Early abusive and traumatic childhood. Had friends, always played etc, friends never lasted but I was never really alone although I felt it. Always felt like I was acting and learning how to 'be' whereas everyone else knew what to do. I was diagnosed with aspergers last year. It was a relief to know there is a reason. I find I care less these days. I like who I like and really cba with those who dick me about. I do need social activity and I like to chat. But I have a limit and need down time a lot as well. And I'm quite choosy over who I am fully comfortable with, which is very few people actually.

Like someone said, it feels like I’m putting on an act just to fit in every day, and it’s exhausting. I cannot wait for retirement, the simple pleasure of not having to pretend anymore. Not having to struggle to get on with people, not having to keep my mouth shut so I don’t offend anyone.

I can just chill and be me, and not have to deal with people.

God, I’m an anti-social old bat.

@Lawdavmercy that's exactly how I feel, I can't live on like this. I also battle with the 'is it me or the place.' I can't see what I'm doing wrong though.
I'm sure it's not you. I really do think certain areas just have people you don't click with. Sounds crazy but that's how it seems. Maybe we live in the same place

This is me too. I've always been different. I have wondered if I have asd or if I am.an introvert. I recentky diagnosed myself with avoidant personality disorder. Everything fits. I would never be able.to seek help for it.

@Pretendingtobe I know exactly what you mean, I've said the same thing before!

I don't fit in with most places - I've made friends at work and at the school gates but never really 'clicked' with anyone new for years! I am lucky as I have childhood friends who are weird like me and we were talking only the other day about how it's really hard to fit in properly.

Ladies/chaps, everyone feels different and occasionally (or often) isolated, in that difference. I too feel this way, its not wierd and its certainly not unusual. I take the view that I am an 'average' person, therefore what I feel, others in the majority feel.
Dont get hung up on being different or alone or shunned - we all feel this, especially if we seek to find who we really are. Better to exploit it and BE different - choose your style and your leisure pleasures - walking, painting, reading, driving - all these things (and many others) can be done alone or with others. By focusing on your difference and exploiting it you can be who you truly are deep down inside your 'inner' person. We all seek for a meaning in life and a purpose - its not with someone else, its making the most of who you are and developing it. Confidence in who you really are is the key to friendships with people who cannot find their inner person - they are drawn to those with the internal fortitude and confidence to be solid in ther difference and moreover express themselves according to that person. Do as you would be done by.
Best of luck.
Forget facebook twitter and live a bit.

mishfish i was trying to thinknhot to describe my feelings and its pretty much what you wrote.
Although i dont have a dh and only one child who has sen. I think part of me imagined her growing up and we would do fun days out mummy and daughter days doing lots of things but instead its been quite isolating.
It not just the sen though as iv always not really fitted in my own family live close and don’t invite us to bbqs etc.
Friends i have made have all only been around until they find better friends or partners then cant be bothered with me.
I get dropped quite alot i am a kind and considerate person and i really would love a close friend or 2 to share life with good and bad times.
X

I always feel awkward and don't really get invited places. I am relatively attractive, not quiet but not loud, I have a good job, I am kind. Not sure why people don't always see me as good company or fun.

I do have so very close friends, but not many and they already have their own 'best' friends. My DP is my best friend anyway.

This is me too.
Also had a horrible childhood and probably have undiagnosed asd too.
Like another poster I can remember ‘friends’ running away and hiding and not letting me join in :(
When I was growing up I would spend all my time with my pets, they were my friends and the only beings I could really trust and be happy around.

@betsy86 I found having children more isolating than not having them. I was a single mum after my first, and when he was with his dad I had literally no one to just call and hang out with. I remember it being a really hot day once and was desperate to get out so went for a drive, drove past loads of pubs with people outside enjoying themselves with their friends, got stuck in traffic and drove home in tears! It sounds so ridiculous writing that but I think that was a bit of a turning point for me where I just though- fuck it!

It’s nice to read that it’s not a unique situation though, difficult as it can be for myself and others though

Yes this is me too. I also find myself running through a day/evening out in my head to check if i did anything embarrassing. Plus i often say the wrong thing and end up apologising. And wondeting if people genuinely like me. I suspect most of them dont. My DH is an introvert too and i suspect life without him would be very lonely indeed. I serm to crave social interaction and then find it very stressful when i do get it! I think its all mainly in my head. Sigh.

I can remember one of the cool girls inviting me to her house with a bunch of others. When I got to the door, they slammed it in my face, all I could hear was them laughing :(

I have always described myself as a lone wolf - I quite like it that way. I get on with people easily but I find I never seem to be able to make that 'connection' with any girls that would make me an important person in their life... constantly being told I'm a friend but I'm never someone who gets invited out or consulted with any life problems they need help with. I'm just a 'friend' to everyone.

That's why it's just me, my OH, my son and my immediate family.

This is me. I don't make friends easily, people who I've had nothing to do with seem to take one look at me and dislike me, even without me saying a word. My parents are now gone, and it's just me and DS now. Thank goodness for dogs.

I’m a bit like this. I definitely don’t have asd though (although I have a son with ASD and nothing grates on me more than people self-diagnosing with some pseudoscience they saw on TV or read on the net)
I’m just really awkward. I never used to be, I was really extrovert before I became a parent. I think my issue is because I don’t have much opportunity to meet other people anymore, when I do I’m far too eager for them to like me & overthink everything.

mishfish its just as though your writing my thoughts!
I to had that same experience with the pub especially with the hot summer we have just had.
There’s a pub just up the road from my house and i had to drive past it so many times and it would be buzzing with people having a nice time and i would long to be there but had nobody to go with.
Normally always have my dd with me to so can’t go in, but a couple of times i had a free few hours and txt the couple of friends i do keep in touch with to try and make plans but they were busy or doing things with partners or tired from being out all week etc.
Even when i try to organise things in advance people are normally too busy or have a better offer from other people.
So I remember just getting to those few hours alone and crying on the sofa feeling so desperately lonely. The next time i just wandered round the supermarkets to keep myself busy.
I an also the friend but not special enough to anyone to be ‘the friend’ im in a whatsapp group with the couple of long term friends and we had a discussion before summer about feelings and i said how isolated i feel and they came across supportive but sadly it got to summer and id get updates of ooh i went here and there with so and so it was fab you must go..... well i dont have anyone to go with and you’ve already been so when i suggest going its a no.
I sound like a right grunp i promise im not im actually a hoot lol but I think the outside world probably think ahh shes ok whem inside i am falling apart with loneliness x

This really resonates with me - I always thought it was because I had a really transient childhood - when I started secondary school at 11 it was my 7th school so I was always the new girl.

When we moved house it was always to a completely new town and no contact was continued with friends from previous place.

I felt it had made me very self contained and able to be on my own - but if someone irritated me I would simply stop seeing them rather than heal it. I also think it made me scared of commitment - I married at 17 had two children divorced at 20 and been single ever since.

But at 53 I know have this big social group that I feel totally at ease with - I think it's made up of about 15 people who have felt like this all their lives. We formed out of the blue about 2 years ago. A couple of people I had known for years and all the rest are friends of friends. We all are amazed this has finally happened for us.

I cannot make any suggestions as this happened spontaneously- just do not give up hope. Keep trying new things and stepping out of your comfort zone is all I can say - but I guess you all know that!!

Welcome to the wonderful world of being autistic!

Isn't that a very simplistic response, throw a label at it and that explains it?
From the responses it seems that lots of people feel the same way, they can't all be autistic.
Is part of the problem not that today there is such an ideal way of living portrayed on social media, etc and the reality can not match it? 'Celebs'. yukky word and concept, are seen and many want to emulate them but the reality is that they're as false as a cardboard cut out, backed up with dozens of 'stylists' etc and tons of money. It's very sad that so many young girls look at these people and want to be like them.
Personally I'm with OP on this, we lived in a military community for many years, lots of enforced social events and I used to have to grit my teeth. I did the baby things, small group etc but never really got into it, I'd be the one in the corner doing a crossword while others discussed 'baby things'. Oddly my daughters are both fairly outgoing, I think!

I have a handful of friends but that’s it. I find it hard to make new friends and at dinner parties I find it hard to get a word in edgeways or know what to say. I’m really not a people person, I don’t dislike people that I meet but I also have nothing in common with them.

I’m always mystified by women on Don’t Tell the Bride who have half a dozen bridesmaids and 20 ladies on their hen night!

DP is military and he has a few friends. He also is able to talk to anybody and make mindless smalltalk but I guess that’s what the military does to you.

I had a very happy childhood, and had lots of friends through my teens. I moved away from home/worked abroad etc and since then I've been a complete loner - not by choice. It seems in every workplace everyone else has friendly colleagues; I've never found any! At baby groups/school gate etc etc people team up and me... nothing.

I am quite friendly, and know I'm a decent kind person. Also I don't talk at people, and know lots about nearly everything so can engage with anyone's interests/hobby.

This past year I decided to make a last concerted effort to make friends, and asked three people I'd met at evening class/school gate and an old friend if they'd like to meet up (all separately!). I stood them coffee and cake/lunch but no one ever got back in touch . How embarrassing. I shall not put myself out there any more.

I had this for years. I suspect, in my case, it comes from being from a mixed ethnic/cultural background; my perspectives and personality have been influenced by other factors and are just a bit too unusual for a lot of people.

But as I've got older, I just super smile at everyone, and if they have a problem, then so be it. I'm not a nasty, bitchy person, it's not in my nature to be cruel, so if they don't want to bother, then it's their loss.

I also understand the not being someone's "best friend" or anything like it. Some years ago I visited an old friend and she had a picture frame bearing the legend "The women in my life" (yeah, yuck...). Anyway, there were eight spots and I had not made the top eight, yet "new" people were grinning away in their appointed spots.

I think I’ve just found my tribe

I’ve felt this way all my life. I was bullied in primary school, and that hascreally affected the way I see myself. I’m never good enough for anything or anyone.

I’m outgoing, kind, good sense of humour (sound like a Tinder profile) but still I’m never ‘the friend’.

I lost my mum 6 years ago and my sister last year, I am lost, well and truly lost, I have no significant other either. I have no option but to get up every day and live a facade. I try to get a social life going, but it’s hard work and being in my fifties, I’m so tired of it