Do you just not belong

[perroy]

Have had this feeling all my life. The unloved ousider. It does not make a difference how hard i try. AIBU is it only me?

Because the wolf is just lonely and is just the same inside.

There’s groups of people I try to get on with and I just can’t. We have stuff in common but there’s no real connection there at all. I was bullied terribly when younger so I think I’m more sensitive to feeling left out. As I get older I give less fucks if people do leave me out though for no reason as it is immature and unkind.

Logically I realise that the vast majority of people I’ve been at school with, grown up with, been related to, studied with, worked with, lived with, parented with, socialised with etc etc are not people I fit with. The people who really get me fit on my fingers and that’s out of 100s I’ve known to an extent and 1000s who are passing acquaintances. I think this is normal and I think it’s luck that out of 1000s I have a dh and a handful of friends. Perhaps it’s a numbers game? Perhaps it’s finding people with the same passions as you? I think a shared sense of humour helps (lots of people don’t even seem to have one which makes this harder)!

I'm not interested in social media or keeping up with the latest trends, or reality tv. I'm not interested in designer labels or flashy cars or impressing them. I'm not interested in going out and getting drunk, or even that interested in going out too much. I think that sometimes means that I don't have a lot in common with people.

But loads of people aren't into any of that stuff, especially once you become a parent. Loads. I'm not into any of that stuff and it's never been a barrier to making connections or having friends.

I can't say why you are struggling - maybe you're not in the same physical location as other people on your wavelength. But you're stereotyping other people as being, basically, shallow and conformist, and that's going to be a much bigger barrier to you making connections than not wanting to go out drinking.

Yep, I'm the same. But I've found it a lot easier just to accept it and do my own thing, partake in my own hobbies, etc. When I was younger, I found it exhausting and depressing to try to fit in, do the things others were doing, socialise like the others etc - I would always just feel crap and more depressed after each time I tried and failed. Same with workplaces - I always felt an outsider and changed jobs a few times to try to getter a better "fit", but just never happened so I ended up starting my own business so I don't have to deal with work-mates!

It was a massive weight off my shoulders when I just accepted it and did my own thing instead of forcing myself to join in with others. I'm pretty content with my life at the moment, and ironically, know more people, maybe not as best friends, but certainly as acquaintances to pass the time of day with.

Google "fringe dwellers" by Stuart Wilde, OP.

Me too. I’m not close to anybody apart from my mum. My siblings are all close to each other but not me. I can’t blame them, I am so introverted and don’t make any effort. They have things in common that I’m not interested in (football, festivals etc.).

Looking back I had one best friend through infants and primary and we were best of friends or enemies. When we fell out she had other friends, I had no group I felt part of. This carried on through Senior School and College, I was just always on the periphery and never included. People at University were lovely but I never made forever friends the way people said I would.

I know I am going to have a very lonely life when my parents are gone.

Yes, I'm so awkward nearly everything that comes out of my mouth has me cringing. I've never had many friends but it bothers me less and less. Right now I'm on maternity leave and I'm having a very different experience to some. So many mums complain the baby has ruined their social life, they used to party all the time but now they are so lonely, etc. Not me though, I feel just fine. As I had such a small social life, it hasn't changed at all. A day without talking to a friend is just business as usual for me, I've never known different.

I would say look at ASD. I read a book because of DS and it started to make sense of my own life. Made me realise that most of the people I currently or previously considered as friends would all most likely be high functioning ASD. Now I know why I like them - they are straight forward and make it easy to be friends with them. Everyone is makes it too hard as I'm clearly doing something wrong, just not sure what.

They can somehow spot the velcro on my sheep suit....

The little wolf lived high up on the hills. She didn't have a Mammy or a Daddy. She lived by herself.

She knew how to get food because her Aunty had taught her.

She loved to run for miles and miles on top of the mountains surrounding her.
But the one thing the little wolf didn't have was friends. There were no other wolves in the hills.
Late at night, she would gaze down at the valley below her where all the sheep dwelled.
They flocked together and bleated for hours. There were hundreds of them! They spent hours together just talking.
One night, the little wolf decided she would be brave and try to go down and make friends.
She stealthily walked down the hill until she reached the edge of her beloved sheep.
One sheep saw her and leaped in the air shouting Baaaaaaaaa. All at once all the other sheep, sensing danger, sprang in the air and shouted Baaaaaaaaaa as loudly as they could.
The little wolf ran as fast as she could back up the hills feeling very very ashamed. She knew now that she had made a mistake and she could never be a sheep.
Days passed and the little wolf accepted that she would never have friends like the sheep had.
She gazed down at them lovingly every night and watched them go about their lives.
One day however, a great storm had been. Little wolf had been hiding in her cave. When she came out, her sheep were no longer in the valley. She thought that strange.

As she wandered around lonelier than usual, she came across a tiny sheep, a lamb, sheltering behind a large stone. It must have become separated from the rest of its flock!
She had never been so close to a sheep before, so she jumped back, terrified.

She knew however that the little sheep needed to get back to its flock.
So, she just did it.
She licked the baby sheep until he was warm and motioned for him to follow. She knew where the other sheep were sheltering from the storm.

The baby sheep followed her for miles down the hills and through the valleys. They had many adventures on the way getting food. The baby sheep loved the little wolf.
Eventually they found the flock of sheep.
She knew that the sheep would all run if she approached with the baby sheep, so she told the baby sheep to walk down the mountain and that she would watch him.
The tiny baby sheep skipped down the mountain crying for his Mama and his Mama ran halfway up the mountain, joyful after hearing his crys.
However, there, on top of the mountain she saw the wolf staring down at her.
She was terrified and ran back to the flock bleating urgently.
The entire flock got unsettled and were afraid. The bleating got louder.
Eventually, the tiny baby sheep bleated STOP! The wolf is my friend! She brought me home! She fed me and looked after me while I was lost. She just has no friends. She watches us at night and minds us. She just has no friends.

The mother sheep, knowing her son to be an honest little sheep did something she had never done before. She stood apart from the other sheep!
'The wolf has saved my son and brought him back to me. The wolf is our friend. The wolf can come and play with us!!
The sheep were all a little confused!

A wolf?
But, they knew that when one sheep had stood out from the flock and made a statement, that that sheep had strong convictions and could be followed.
The sheep joined in unison. Not baaaing. But howling!
The little wolf lifted his head from his paws where he was gazing down at the valley. Could this be possible?

Were the sheep calling him?

They can somehow spot the velcro on my sheep suit....
Is it wrong that I find the idea of dressing up as a sheep (in a completely non-sexual sense) & trotting around my house going baaa quite appealing?

I have always felt like I don't belong anywhere. Aside from living with my parents nowhere has felt like home. I felt like a guest in both my marriages. I told my lovely fiancé even now I feel like I don't belong. He said what can we do to make me feel better about this, I said I don't think there is anything that can be done! In every workplace I never felt like part of the team even though I made sure I acted like a team player. It's a weird feeling!

I feel the same, often feel that everyone else is in a secret club that I'm not part of and don't understand. I long to have loads of friends but I don't think it's ever going to happen. The friends I have are all foreign or undiagnosed ASD.

I feel the same OP. I think I personally would be on the ASD scale. I have 2 friends but never feel totally comfortable in their company. I try to be friendly to everyone I meet but if I see them again they act like we’ve never met. I do get upset as I would like to ‘fit in’. It can be lonely sometimes but I have a great husband (who’s a little quirky too) which I’m really thankful for.
I keep asking myself what I’m doing wrong but am trying to accept I’m just me.

I totally relate. The last 18 months have been glaringly obvious I am not like other people.

I seem to see the world differently. I have always been the odd one out of my family. (Apart from the serious abuse I suffered which I think is part of it)

I have a few friends but none of them is under 50 or in real life. I am 30 but feel about 60. I have never wanted to go to nightclubs or anything that people in my youth did. I also identify as an Indigo.

In my suxties now, and still hoping that the MotherShip will come and take me to the HomeWorld.

This is me too. I got moved around at crucial stages as a child, made friends easily but lost them due to moving. Now as an adult I find it so hard. Everyone seems to have their own established friendships and family network and not interested in anyone new. I hate hate hate the town I live in. Strange unfriendly people. But kids are settled in schools and DH can't move job easily so I'm stuck. I'm smiley and chatty but people tend to respond like I've got 2 heads. I'm sick of trying to talk to people who give nothing back. I've given up on making friends now but life is so lonely. All I have is DH and he doesn't understand or care

I suspect I have undiagnosed ASD which has made socialising so bloody difficult and friendships nearly impossible. My DM has died so without my DC or dh I would speak to no one outside of work related things.
I'm very very lonely.

Omg keepingbees, are you me? This thread describes me to a tee, I'm so low now but never used to be. Wish I could find a tribe to fit into, no such luck where I am now. Or due to who I am, don't know. Kids keeping me going but hate the idea of living the rest of my life like this

I feel like I'm homesick.
Always have.
Except I've always had a nice home, but it never feels quite like I belong here.

Sounds nonsensical, doesn't it?

I’ve always felt like this too, although maybe my feeling is and was more of feeling ‘flawed’ than just different. Looking back, I think it stemmed from an abusive childhood, and being bullied for having an ‘odd’ family (both parents had MH problems), and then for being fat (I started to comfort eat).

Along the very bumpy road of my life, I’ve found quite a few of ‘my people’ along the way. They tend to be people who also come from ‘unconventional’ or abusive backgrounds. So now it’s a little less lonely, but it’s still lonely all the same.

I think one aspect of me feeling ‘different’ were the result of emotional neglect as a child - it’s like there were many aspects of my personality that never got the chance to develop, leaving me very unsure of who I actually am or was if that makes sense? In hindsight, I feel like most people around me were much more self aware and aware of who they are way before I was.

Obviously I can’t speak for everyone, but I suspect that feeling of being ‘different’ is a symptom of some form of dysfunction in our formative years, whether from attachment issues, abuse, bullying or trauma.

What I have found though is that the older I get, the less I care about feeling or being different, so I suppose that’s good.

Obviously I can’t speak for everyone, but I suspect that feeling of being ‘different’ is a symptom of some form of dysfunction in our formative years, whether from attachment issues, abuse, bullying or trauma.

True for me at least

Very true.

Not read all the responses but god yes this is me. Have lots of individual friends and some close friends- but they all have better friends. Never had a group of friends. I’ve pretty much given up on the idea of having a close group. I like to think I’m a nice person and will talk to anyone about anything.

I just try to focus on my family and bettering my own life now. I’m not too self conscious about it but can feel a bit crap when it’s near on impossible to find someone to go out with

Also experienced quite a bad trauma in my late teens that affected how people treat me now (left me permantly disabled)