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perpetually single son

104 replies

indigenouscelt · 28/09/2018 09:06

I feel guilty but I somewhat resent my son for not making more of an attempt to get into a long term relationship, he's had a few drunken one night stands but never anything serious. He is slightly overweight and somewhat shy but I can't see why he can't just put himself out there and just settle. He is intelligent and funny, but he can be morose and quiet at times. I wonder how I can help him with this? I want some Grandkids!

OP posts:

Tinkobell · 28/09/2018 10:27

OP - I'm a strong believer that there's someone for everyone out there somewhere. The fact that he's introverted and quiet is by the by, he will probably in time meet a lovely girl through work or something like that, so do leave him alone on that front.
What I'd focus on is just being a friend / mum for him. Make sure he talks to you about his general state of happiness and does get out and do his social things with his friends who he can also talk to. Life alone in London can be very isolating. Go visit him for a day or two .. .get out and have a laugh. He's doing really well holding down a job and a flat on his own, no meanness feat, you should be proud of him. He needs a bit of ego boosting I'd say.


indigenouscelt · 28/09/2018 10:29

Orchiddingme - Ho! we got the Don of Cambridge over here! (sorry too much sopranos)

Auntbeastie - to be quite honest I'm sure there are alot of fully functioning slightly overweight and morose people on the planet. I also wonder about Raven88's "studies". If it's for a university dissertation he's stuffed =P

OP posts:

Deadringer · 28/09/2018 10:30

Op I get it, my introverted son will be 26 soon too and he has never had a girlfriend, or a date or a one night stand. He is intelligent but dyslexic and he struggled in college. He dropped out of a couple of courses so has only had a proper job for the last year so is still living at home. Because of going to different colleges he has lost touch with all of his old friends and now spends most of his time in his room so in a worse position that your son op. I would love him to meet someone. He is clever, kind, funny, a really nice young man but as he gets older I think he is going to find it more difficult to meet someone, he wouldn't even know how to ask someone out! (He doesn't discuss any of this with me btw). Maybe some of the posters here would be kind enough to share how they met and got with their introverted dps? Btw I am not looking for strategies I know it's my son's business but it would give me hope and might help me and the op) to stop worrying.


mydietstartsmonday · 28/09/2018 10:32

I don't think you are weird or sad just a mum of a shy man.
26 is still young, he will find his way.
One day he will walk into a gig/bar/house or something & meet the girl of his dreams.
Don't worry too much about it.
Let him find his own way.

Someone I know was single for years and one day walked into a pub where her old school friend was celebrating a birthday and in walked a slightly awkward shy young man and she knew straight away he was the one. Turns out he was the house mate of the friend and she had been to house on a number of occasions but he wasn't there.
They are now moved in and a house together and a wedding to plan.
It was just right she was 30 and he 33.

So give him some space he will find that partner when he is ready or she is ready to find him!


cantfindname · 28/09/2018 10:37

My son lived happily at home until he was 27. No issues with this whatsoever except he was always using the washing machine

He met a wonderful girl and they married and moved out.

I thought this was the normal way of things? Maybe I am wrong.


Roomba · 28/09/2018 10:38

If he is in his twenties and has his own flat, he's probably spending most weekends on the pull or at swingers' clubs for all you know, OP!

I know if you asked my mother about my romantic/sex life at that age, she'd probably have said I was single and wasn't it a shame as I needed a 'nice man' in my life. I didn't share details of my sex life with her! I'd mention a partner if I'd been seeing them for a while and it may be likely they'd meet eventually. But otherwise, I'd talk to friends about that stuff, not her!


slashlover · 28/09/2018 10:39


Has he said he wants to find someone? I'm 40, had two dates in my entire life and am perfectly happy like that because I'm asexual and aromantic.


Nightwatch999 · 28/09/2018 10:40

Oh behave. Your poor son Hmm


EK36 · 28/09/2018 10:46

He doesn't need a partner & children to be happy. He probably is very happy at the moment. He has friends, his own flat, a job. He's having fun, leave him be. When he's ready to settle down, he will meet someone.


Poulnabron · 28/09/2018 10:46

Honestly, OP, in the nicest possible way, this is your issue, not your son's, from everything you say. You have some kind of internalised timescale and you think your son should be living according to that, but he, quite rightly, didn't get that memo, and realise that he should, according to his mother's lifestage clock, be in a LT relationship and 'settled down', if not already married and a father.

He's 25, solvent, employed, has friends, some flings, and a flat of his own in central London -- that sounds great to me!


Deadringer · 28/09/2018 10:49

slash of course there is nothing wrong with being single. My older DD is single and I don't worry about her at all, she has a great life. My ds has no social life, no reason to get up in the morning except work. I just feel he isn't living life to the full. I know there isn't much I can do about it but it doesn't stop me worrying. Anyway don't want to derail the thread, it just resonated with me.


recklessruby · 28/09/2018 10:56

He sounds lovely OP. I would let him find someone in his own time. He s still young. My ds is 30 and is back at home. He tells me about various girls but I don't push.
He s a veteran of 2 relationships one of 10 years which broke up a lot due to her mum putting pressure on them to marry and have kids.
He works, loves nature and music and goes out with friends. If he meets the love of his life great but mummy will not be pushing It!


PurpleArmy · 28/09/2018 10:57

OP, I didn't have a boyfriend till I was 28, we don't all have the same path and it is not up to you or anybody else to ell him what his should look like.


surferjet · 28/09/2018 10:59

I get you op.
But fwiw, I know a few 20 somethings who are out every night, away every other weekend ‘partying’ yet deep down their pretty lonely & unhappy.

Not everything is what it seems trust me, your ds is probably ( hopefully ) very happy & content.
Don’t worry Flowers


Halfahunnerstillastunner · 28/09/2018 11:15

Sounds like you're a bit stuck in a 1950s era mode OP, worried he'll be "left on the shelf" type thing. He's only 26!! I would say the vast majority of people I know had fun in their 20s and only starting seriously considering long term relationships in their very late 20s and mostly early 30s. Most of my friends got married/had babies in the 30-38 years. He's got ages yet, leave him be.


EmilyRosiEl · 28/09/2018 11:17

I don't really see why people are being so angry about this.

You want your DS to find love and maybe have kids- what's so wrong with that? At 25 though he has plenty of time so don't pressurize him!


stellabird · 28/09/2018 11:29

My DS only ever had "drunken one-night stands" until he was 26. Then he met a lovely girl, bought a house, had two children, wonderful. Then within four years she had dumped him via a picture on Facebook, moved another man into their house and stopped him from seeing his kids. He dropped out of society and drank himself into oblivion for a year.

Fast forward 12 months, she decided the kids were cramping her style so she handed them over to him without a backwards glance.

Fast forward 4 years, he is a single father, renting a series of flats with his two children, and his mother ( me) co-parenting them . I do all the school runs and dealing with teachers, having them overnight when he does shifts at work, explaining about life, puberty and the whole damned thing to them. I do love them but it's hard work.

Be careful what you wish for, OP.


PoisonousSmurf · 28/09/2018 11:35

My brother is single. Always has been. Never had a girlfriend, not even one. He's not gay.
Just isn't interested in any relationships. He's still happy and he turns 45 soon!


Northernparent68 · 28/09/2018 11:45

You really shouldn’t know about his sex life


RedPanda2 · 28/09/2018 11:54

Maybe he's not a nice person? Maybe he doesn't want to 'settle down'?


Poulnabron · 28/09/2018 11:55

I don't really see why people are being so angry about this.

You want your DS to find love and maybe have kids- what's so wrong with that?

Well, for one thing, that may not be what he wants, just because some people think it's the be-all and end-all of life.

And for another, the OP is very critical, labelling her son 'perpetually single' at grand old age of 25, and from her initial description of him, several posters thought he was some non-coping hermit who never left his bedroom, whereas it turns out he has a decent job, friends and his own London flat.

By a lot of people's standards, he's doing rather well, but for the OP he's not a modestly successful 25 year old, but is failing her personal worth test by being 'perpetually single'.


Bluelady · 28/09/2018 11:59

Mine's 43. One long term relationship about ten years ago. He's happy and leads a fulfilling life. I read some of the threads here and thank God he's single. I reckon he might well have dodged a bullet.


Raven88 · 28/09/2018 12:13

@AuntBeastie I'm not studying it for a course, it's personal study, I became interested in it. You may laugh but most of the people on the forums and Reddit's are just lonely and they start to believe the message.


Raven88 · 28/09/2018 12:20

@indigenouscelt I'm not a he, and it's personal study. I am doing a psychology and criminology degree :) I was genuinely concerned because you made your son sound like a a few people I've spoke to on the reddit.


AamdC · 28/09/2018 12:47

I was single throughout my 20,s bar the odd brief relationship and a few flings i met dh at 31 and married him six months ,26 is very young i really wouldnt worry about it yet .

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