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perpetually single son

104 replies

indigenouscelt · 28/09/2018 09:06

I feel guilty but I somewhat resent my son for not making more of an attempt to get into a long term relationship, he's had a few drunken one night stands but never anything serious. He is slightly overweight and somewhat shy but I can't see why he can't just put himself out there and just settle. He is intelligent and funny, but he can be morose and quiet at times. I wonder how I can help him with this? I want some Grandkids!

OP posts:

Saltedcaramelcake · 28/09/2018 10:02

How do you even know he has one night stands if he doesn't live with you, urgh grim if he tells you!!! He could be dating girls for all you know anyway. I never told my parent's I was dating people, why would you?! Or has it crossed your mind he might be gay? He might not feel ready to tell you, going out with the same few make friends, they could be double dating!


Haireverywhere · 28/09/2018 10:04

You confuse the world of MN if you don't put lighthearted in the title OP Wink

My brother in law didn't have a single date until he was 28. He was just so lacking in confidence he'd say 'nah no-one will be up for this'. He got a new job and enjoyed it then started online dating as he was feeling a bit better in himself.


Snowymountainsalways · 28/09/2018 10:04

Seriously he is 26! Leave him alone and let him get drunk and enjoy his one night stands. Sheesh you take all the fun out of life! Gin


MinaPaws · 28/09/2018 10:04

He sounds like he has a great life: he lives in central London. he has a well-paid job. he goes to gigs, cars shows, festivals. That's not some one you need to be worried about. If he was living at home, unemployed, glue to his computer all day, you could worry.
he'll find someone. People don't settle down so young these days. My gorgeous nephew is just now thinking about settling down aged 30.


WheelOfMisfortune · 28/09/2018 10:06

OP- my OH was 22 when we met (younger I know) and very shy with women, had never had a gf etc. It really is just a case of waiting for the right one. He said he knew his family were worrying and it made the pressure worse- his brother had a conversation along the lines of ‘don’t be shy, you’re a great catch, get out there’ which he found mortifying.

His mum later said offhandedly ‘don’t worry about it darling, everyone moves at their own pace, when you meet someone you’ll wonder what you ever worried about.’ He liked that as she seemed unbothered, and he mentions she was right sometimes- something like that could be a nice thing to say to your son?

Slightly off topic but anyone interested in Incels may want to listen to this-


indigenouscelt · 28/09/2018 10:06

I appreciate the people leaving positive/useful remarks. I dunno about the AirBNB though that sounds VERY dodgy and possibly illegal lol.

OP posts:

TinklyLittleLaugh · 28/09/2018 10:06

I think you need to think a bit about why you feel this way.

Personally, when I look back, I feel I was never quite happy until I met DH and purely as a consequence of being with him, I have had a really happy life and I'm very content (despite the shit life has sometime thrown at us). I also know a few lovely people who never settled down for one reason or another, missed out on having a family, and in middle age have some regrets about it.

So yeah, I'm a little bit secretly obsessed about my grown up kids finding a lovely person to be with; talk a lot about getting to know someone well, red flags and not trying to fix someone.

But of course it's my issue not theirs. Really OP, we just have to let them get on with it.


lifechangesforever · 28/09/2018 10:07

Who says he wants kids?


WellTidy · 28/09/2018 10:08

My dad hadn’t had a relationship until he met my mum when he was 26. They met at work, got married when he was 30, had me when he was 34. They’ve been married for 47 years.


indigenouscelt · 28/09/2018 10:08

sorry to have scandalised you so "salted caramel". He used to live at my house as he is my son. That's how I knew.

OP posts:

Gersemi · 28/09/2018 10:09

DS is in a somewhat similar position, partly because he is quite shy. He has had at least one LTR but, incredibly sadly, his girlfriend died very suddenly three years ago and he hasn't had another since. I have been wondering about suggesting casually that there's nothing wrong with online dating or similar, - have you tried anything similar, OP?


spinabifidamom · 28/09/2018 10:12


At 13 I was not ready for a long term relationship with anyone yet. I did start dating at thirteen years old but I ended the relationship after about four months.

From there until I turned sixteen I was essentially single however I did meet guys at restaurants with my family. It was not until I was eighteen that I eventually found my soulmate. We are currently living in a apartment with children. Ultimately this isn’t up to you.

Respect his decision.

Oh and welcome to the twenty first century. It sucks but you’ll love it eventually.


Bloobs · 28/09/2018 10:12

26? That's an age when many people are enjoying being single and having flings rather than relationships.

You did say you actually "resent" him for this OP - why? Were you really joking about the grandkids or is that what's driving this? because I can't see any other reason why you'd be so keen for him to settle down.

My mum was awful to me about my failure to have children when she deemed it the right time. She would show off photos of her friends' grandchildren to me and moan about how jealous she was of them. She also called me "barren". I did go on to have two DC, when I was ready and had a partner who was ready (and that's not always easy you know) - and guess what, we barely see her because she's controlling and horrible.

So please don't be like my mum. Get off his case and give him some credit - it's his life, and he gets to choose when he settles down, if ever.


indigenouscelt · 28/09/2018 10:14

Thats so sad sorry to hear that. I'm really not sure - a daughter/niece of one of your friends? Church (if you are religious) can be a good place to get over trauma and meet new people

OP posts:

SandAndSea · 28/09/2018 10:17

OP, honestly, his life sounds great! He's living independently, works, has friends, goes out, travels... It all sounds great! He's got plenty of time yet to find someone and settle down. When he does, I'm sure he will be glad to look back on his single days.

I would have a think about why this is such an issue for you and try to find ways to satisfy or resolve whatever is going on in you at the moment.


Bloobs · 28/09/2018 10:17

My favourite elderly relative decided at a young age that marriage and kids wasn't for her. She's spent her life having an amazing career, loads of friends and hobbies, travelled the world, done volunteering, been a fun and fabulous auntie, and had the fullest life of anyone I know - still busy and active in her 80s. It doesn't have to be missing out to not have a partner. I'm not saying your son will necessarily choose that path, but he should feel free to if he wants to.


Raven88 · 28/09/2018 10:18

@AuntBeastie @NotACleverName The original post didn't mention that he had a good job and his own flat. It said he is slightly overweight and morose, I was picturing someone who lived with his parents. It also mentioned I didn't say he was an incel, I said he might be visiting the forums. It's something I am concerned about because it's easy to get sucked in. It's also accessible because it's on reddit.

@indigenouscelt Read the update, if he isn't living with you he may already be dating and not sharing that with you. He's probably having a good time. Apologies for the comment about incel forums, I got the wrong impression from the OP


indigenouscelt · 28/09/2018 10:19

just to be clear - i really was joking about the grandkids - I want him to have someone to come home to and look after him and he look after them. I suppose 26 is alot younger these days though, maybe the younger generation aren't ready to settle down yet. My mum had me at 35 which was crazy old back then

OP posts:

CardinalCat · 28/09/2018 10:19

Oh OP, he sounds like a sweetheart, you have raised a lovely boy who happens to be a bit shy and perhaps just not into relationships right now. Lots of people in their 20s aren't! I would relax and try not to worry. Unless you really think he is unhappy or lonely, you need to let him live his life.


hamabr86 · 28/09/2018 10:19

I was 30 when I got with my DP, before that I was perpetually single with on off relatively casual relationships. Just hadn't met anyone that had taken my eye. A friend was completely single til she was 31 and she now has someone. He's male, he's got plenty of time and doesn't need to worry about his womb 'drying out'. He'll be fine.


Orchiddingme · 28/09/2018 10:20

I was exactly the same in my twenties, living in London, having a great time, working, socializing, I didn't 'settle down' or even want to 'settle down' at that life stage. So glad I enjoyed myself and didn't get into the rut (which it would have felt like to me) of settling down at that age. Did marry around 33 and had children, was perfect timing for me and both me and my husband are glad we had our twenties to enjoy.

There isn't a problem here.


Orchiddingme · 28/09/2018 10:21

He's not 'perpetually single', he's single BTW.


AuntBeastie · 28/09/2018 10:22

The original post didn't mention that he had a good job and his own flat. It said he is slightly overweight and morose, I was picturing someone who lived with his parents

Exactly - on the basis of minimal information you added 2 and 2 and got 68263. In what capacity are you studying these forums? Because if it’s for any kind of formal research you need to take a significantly more vigorous and scientific approach.


Womaningreen · 28/09/2018 10:22

newsflash - you can be single and happy

with a nice small close knit group of friends

the kind you can call when your appendix bursts at 3am

if he hasn't had relationships, he has yet to find out what fecking hassle it all is. So don't assume that getting into one will make him want to stay in one.

you're weird.


GunpowderGelatine · 28/09/2018 10:23

I get it OP. The biscuits and Hmm fads you've been given are a tad OTT.

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