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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

perpetually single son

104 replies

indigenouscelt · 28/09/2018 09:06

I feel guilty but I somewhat resent my son for not making more of an attempt to get into a long term relationship, he's had a few drunken one night stands but never anything serious. He is slightly overweight and somewhat shy but I can't see why he can't just put himself out there and just settle. He is intelligent and funny, but he can be morose and quiet at times. I wonder how I can help him with this? I want some Grandkids!

OP posts:
AhYeahOkayThen · 28/09/2018 09:37

Have you tried setting him up with any of your friend's daughters? 🤔 It doesn't work out in sitcoms, but maybe it will IRL. Grin

Minus the drunken one night stands my husband was in a similar position as it sounds your son is in before meeting me. We met online.

Charlie97 · 28/09/2018 09:37

@indigenouscelt poor future DIL if he does meet someone!

She'll be on here asking advice on massively overbearing MIL!

AhYeahOkayThen · 28/09/2018 09:38

Oh geez people wind your necks in she said she wad joking about the grandkids bit. 🙄

Original poster
indigenouscelt · 28/09/2018 09:39

incels are mass shooters right? I wouldn't worry about that lol

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 28/09/2018 09:41

I think 26 is pretty young.

I have similar worries about my boy who got his heart well and truly shattered at the end of a four year relationship and hasn't looked at another girl in girlfriend terms for two years since.

I tell myself he is young, he has lots of mates and he is having fun. I have kicked him out gently encouraged him to leave home though.

Is your boy happy in general?

AuntBeastie · 28/09/2018 09:41

I would gently ask if he has been spending time on incel forums

Dear god! Not having had a long term relationship by the age of 25 because you’re a bit shy doesn’t mean you’re a vile misogynist troll reading vitriol about women online. What an overreaction!

ShartGoblin · 28/09/2018 09:42

My DP was a WOW hermit before we got together so there is hope for introverts, we are living proof of that (I'm a book hermit) Grin

Original poster
indigenouscelt · 28/09/2018 09:43

"You can't help with this... appreciate you want him to be happy but I don't think I've ever met a 25 year old that would appreciate help finding a girlfriend from his mum." I think this sums it up lol. I just don't want to talk to him about it so I talk on here. Thanks for the replies that were serious

OP posts:
lobeydosser · 28/09/2018 09:43

He sounds a catch (fishing pun intended..)
What does he do for holidays? He could maybe try companies like Explore where they go on amazing tours and it's easier to travel as a single person.

NotACleverName · 28/09/2018 09:44

You don't know what virtue signalling means do you, OP? It's a meaningless buzzword/term for people who want to shut down discussion.

I would gently ask if he has been spending time on incel forums.

I'll take wild and unnecessary extrapolations for 500, Alex. Hmm

Raven88 · 28/09/2018 09:44

No incels are a community of men who are struggling to find a partner. They blame changes in society and hypergamy. It's a growing community and once a person is in it, it's very easy to get sucked in. I'm studying it. The shooters are what they call Blackpill incels. Most of the men are normal.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 28/09/2018 09:46

Ah just read your update. He sounds fine OP, though I'm slightly concerned as to how you know he's having drunken one night stands if he's not living at home.

He could be gay, he could be not particularly into women and sex, he could be not particularly into having a girlfriend right now.

Raven88 · 28/09/2018 09:48

@AuntBeastie @NotACleverName you might think it's an overreaction but from what I have seen a lot of them are normal guys and they get sucked in to a way of thinking.

MaudebeGonne · 28/09/2018 09:49

After reading your update I would think he is a fairly normal, young introverted guy, who isn’t ready for a long term relationship. You being secretly (or not) resentful, isn’t going to change him.

Have you thought about any pets or hobbies of your own so you can let this go?

toyoungtodie · 28/09/2018 09:50

My last got married when he was 40, so don’t despair. His wife is much younger so they were fine and I have lots of GC.
If he won’t go out socialising, why don’t you do Airbnb or get a room ready and rent it out, long term choosing eligible girls only.
That might lead to a relationship.
I know that you are worried about him and you are not thinking solely about GC.
It could be worse, he could hook up with a fright who you disliked.

NotACleverName · 28/09/2018 09:51

Sorry, Raven88, but it's bloody ridiculous to suggest some kind of connection to incels because a guy is shy and single in his mid-twenties.

MrsJayy · 28/09/2018 09:53

My dd is 25 and is single it isn't a crime is it to not have a partner? I get you want him to be happy leave him be

toyoungtodie · 28/09/2018 09:56

I missed reading your last post about him living in Central Landon. You might have room for Airbnb now that he is gone. Mine lived in London and were ‘ all old’ finding mates.
Compared with my generation anyway.
I think you are worrying unnecessarily.

lovechocolates · 28/09/2018 09:57

He might be happy being single... A lot of people are.

MrsJayy · 28/09/2018 09:58

Btw what are incel forums?

AuntBeastie · 28/09/2018 09:58

@Raven88

It is a completely unreasonable extrapolation based on what OP has said.

Incels aren’t defined by their struggle to form relationships. Many decent, lovely, respectful men struggle to form relationships. Many men may also actively choose not to have relationships.

The thing that defines incels is hatred towards or disgust for women. Incels blame women for not entering into relationships with them. This is their essential, defining trait.

Nothing OP has said about her son suggests he feels this way, and questioning whether every man who hasn’t had a LTR by 25 is an incel is absurd. Unless she has good reasons to ask that haven’t been shared here, OP could very easily deeply hurt and alienate her son.

Original poster
indigenouscelt · 28/09/2018 09:58

Well, best of luck on your incel community research, Sounds somewhat depressing though I must admit.
You know a pun's great when you have to point it out. His last trip was to Denver colorado with two friends.
He used to live at home before he left home when he went to uni...
And virtue signalling means an overly obvious display of virtue. It's not that hard to decipher. You know, like interpreting a joke in an offensive manner when it clearly wasn't meant that way to display your moral superiority.

Anyway - thanks for the advice/vitriol =)

OP posts:
JoeElliotsMullet · 28/09/2018 10:00

Maybe he has had a girlfriend for years and years but doesn't want to introduce you for fear she'll run for the hills

AuntBeastie · 28/09/2018 10:00

If he won’t go out socialising, why don’t you do Airbnb or get a room ready and rent it out, long term choosing eligible girls only

What is in the water on MN today? Please don’t follow this bizarre and creepy suggestion. No woman would want to be rented a room on the basis that she had been vetted as suitable by a woman trying to set up her son.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 28/09/2018 10:01

With respect Indi, he's only a young man. He works, he has his own place, a couple of hobbies, close group of friends, enjoys socialising.
You're a long time married, let him find his own way.
You've obviously done a great job rearing him, sounds like a sociable guy, quietly confident, who contributes to society, he'll be a good catch for someone, one day !