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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to 'remind' my sibling that my dd's birthday is approaching?

102 replies

Toffeebanoffee · 27/09/2018 19:21

For the last few years my brother has occasionally 'forgotten' to acknowledge my dd's birthdays (young teenagers) and I haven't said anything to him.
Firstly, I don't expect presents for them (neither do my dd's), but a card would be appreciative! .... I feel annoyed for my dd's (although I don't let on to them) when yet again 'Uncle Tom' hasn't sent them birthday wishes, as I know they feel as if he's not bothered and as if it's a case of out of sight out of mind. (He lives a distance away from us, so we don't see each other often)

What really annoys me is the fact that he has three young dd's with his wife, and I always make sure I send my niece's cards and presents without fail.
My friend suggested I don't send anything to his dc's, and treat his children the same, but I wouldn't dream of leaving his girls out and I continue to make an effort for them.

It's my dd's birthday in a fortnight and I'm considering 'reminding' my db and his wife that it's their niece's birthday and that she'd appreciate a card.
I just don't want him to 'forget' again and make dd feel let down by her Uncle. Should I leave it and say nothing or let him know?

OP posts:

Paddingtonthebear · 27/09/2018 19:24

If they are accepting your cards and gifts their own kids then yes I would send both your brother and his wife a message to say just a reminder that it’s your DD’s birthday soon and she would love to hear from them.

Cheeky fuckers!

Angrybird345 · 27/09/2018 19:26

I would remind him and his wife. If they forget the do the same for their family.

MrsStrowman · 27/09/2018 19:28

Can't you just bring it up when you speak to him rather than send a reminder. Eg 'oh it's been a bit hectic lately, it's DDs birthday in two weeks so I'm making arrangements for the party etc' , that way they definitely know , but sending a specific reminder seems a bit rude

Original poster

Toffeebanoffee · 27/09/2018 19:34

Paddington they happily accept my presents! .. but they don't even say "sorry we missed niece's birthday" anymore. My girl's birthdays are not even mentioned now.

MrsStrowman I tried dropping hints last year about my dd's birthdays, but they didn't get the hints!

OP posts:

Original poster

Toffeebanoffee · 27/09/2018 19:37

Angrybird that's the thing, I can't do the same and leave my niece's out because its not their fault. Besides, I want my niece's to feel that I care about them.

OP posts:

SummerInSun · 27/09/2018 21:13

Of course if you want him to remember you should remind him! He has three kids of his own, presumably a job, and his own no doubt busy life, and you are offended that he doesn’t automatically think “oh, that’s right, early October is DN’s birthday I must send a card”? Most people just don’t have that sort of bandwidth in their lives.

Does he live anywhere nearby? Can you ring him up and ask if he and his family want to come round for birthday cake on the nearest weekend?

Sparklyfee · 27/09/2018 21:16

I'd wait and see if he remembers. If he doesn't then ask if he wants to stop doing presents for the kids. His and yours!

arethereanyleftatall · 27/09/2018 21:18

Sorry but I think yabu.

I have zero idea when my nieces birthdays are, and zero expectations for my sister to send my dcs a card or a present. She can if she wants but that's entirely up to her.

I don't see why the desires of the person who is interested in buying cards, trumps the desires of the person who doesn't.

FunSponges · 27/09/2018 21:20

"Of course if you want him to remember you should remind him! He has three kids of his own, presumably a job, and his own no doubt busy life, and you are offended that he doesn’t automatically think “oh, that’s right, early October is DN’s birthday I must send a card”? Most people just don’t have that sort of bandwidth in their lives."

Rubbish! It's not difficult to write on a calendar and look at it each week/month. OP also states they live a distance away.

NoSquirrels · 27/09/2018 21:21

Do your DC really feel ‘let down’ by their uncle they don’t see much?

In my family, you might get a present on the day, in the same week or maybe not til you next see them. My DC do not seem especially scarred by this!

FunSponges · 27/09/2018 21:22

YANBU OP. My sister didn't bother with both of my DCs last Christmas or their birthdays this year. If it carries on I won't be buying for hers when mine get ignored. My other sister and brothers don't acknowledge my DCs birthdays either and often don't bother with Christmas either. I think it's shit and selfish tbh.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/09/2018 21:24

Also, I would love it if people stopped sending me cards, especially Christmas ones! I have zero interest in receiving them. On threads like this, people always use 'well, stop sending them presents then' as if it's some kind of threat. Whereas the likelihood is the recipient will actually be glad, because then the pressure is off them then.

Jamiefraserskilt · 27/09/2018 21:24

I remind mine. He still forgets.

OohOohMrPeevly · 27/09/2018 21:27

I fake cards from my siblings to my dc sometimes and if nothing arrives on the day I slip in my fake cards. You could say something like "are you sending DD a card this year because if not I will fake one from you as she gets upset when you don't remember".

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 27/09/2018 21:34

This is a pet hate of mine!
My family have always reminded each other of family birthdays. As you say, a card is always nice.
My friends DH family seem to take an absolute delight in not reminding anyone and waiting to see who forgets.
As kids get older, friends or relatives, a mutual agreement can be arrived at as to when presents stop

arethereanyleftatall · 27/09/2018 21:39

I think I'd be pretty cross with my child if they got upset because they didn't get a present from someone. That's all kinds of wrong isn't it? They shouldn't even notice. Do they have a check list a la Dursley in Harry Potter?

arethereanyleftatall · 27/09/2018 21:43

*dudley

twinkledag · 27/09/2018 21:44

YADNBU. Hate stuff like this. It shows that you don't care in my opinion.

SummerInSun · 27/09/2018 21:49

I doubt my brother know what month my sons were born in, let alone what their birthdays are. And I wouldn’t remember when his DD’s birthday is without checking a calendar. But that doesn’t mean either of us are uncaring. We speak on the phone once in a while, we email each other photos of the kids pretty frequently, we try to go away together once a year or so. And when my DS2 was in hospital I’ll earlier this year my brother was in touch every day. That’s how I know he cares, not whether he is sending cards that will just wind up in the bin anyway.

If it matters to your daughters that they get birthday wishes from their uncle, cut him some slack and ring him up and say “It’s DD’s birthday next week and it would mean a lot to her if you have her a call or send her an email on the day”.

AlevelConfusion · 27/09/2018 21:50

Op said she didn't expect a present just that a card would be nice and I agree. Having a busy life is no excuse, everyone is busy these days. How hard is it to put a reminder on your phone?
My DB is the same, OP, my DSis have to remind him about each other's kids' birthdays

BarbarianMum · 27/09/2018 21:52

Not buying for your nieces isn't "leaving them out" it's reflecting the reality that your family don't exchange gifts in this way. You can still have a good relationship with them. Buying from them when their parents dont reciprocate just makes you a bit of a mug and must be hard for your dds to accept.

Original poster

Toffeebanoffee · 27/09/2018 22:30

As Alevel has pointed out, I havent said that I'expect' gifts for my dd's, because I don't. A card is fine.

Arethereanyleftatall...is there any need to be rude?

OP posts:

Original poster

Toffeebanoffee · 28/09/2018 06:33

Summerinsun
Fair enough he does have a busy life, what with a full time job, a wife and three young children. But, so do many others have families/jobs,.yet still manage to acknowledge family birthdays with atleast a card through the post!
Furthermore, I'm a single parent, with a job and a 'busy life', yet I make sure I make an effort!....
There's also two of them, so db's wife could also remember to send my dd's a card, especially considering I don't forget her children's birthdays!

Oh, and I'm not expecting gifts (as I've mentioned previously).

OP posts:

Cheeeeislifenow · 28/09/2018 07:43

Nobody is obliged to give a gift or a card from anyone's child except a parent imo. My kids have never expected others to remember their birthday either. If aunt or uncles do it's a bonus.
Have you a family what's app group for things like these? You could drop a line "hey guys, dd's birthday soon, would love to meet up around then if you're free"

SnuggyBuggy · 28/09/2018 07:49

Is your child bothered?

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