WIBU to 'remind' my sibling that my dd's birthday is approaching?
Toffeebanoffee · 27/09/2018 19:21
For the last few years my brother has occasionally 'forgotten' to acknowledge my dd's birthdays (young teenagers) and I haven't said anything to him.
Firstly, I don't expect presents for them (neither do my dd's), but a card would be appreciative! .... I feel annoyed for my dd's (although I don't let on to them) when yet again 'Uncle Tom' hasn't sent them birthday wishes, as I know they feel as if he's not bothered and as if it's a case of out of sight out of mind. (He lives a distance away from us, so we don't see each other often)
What really annoys me is the fact that he has three young dd's with his wife, and I always make sure I send my niece's cards and presents without fail.
My friend suggested I don't send anything to his dc's, and treat his children the same, but I wouldn't dream of leaving his girls out and I continue to make an effort for them.
It's my dd's birthday in a fortnight and I'm considering 'reminding' my db and his wife that it's their niece's birthday and that she'd appreciate a card.
I just don't want him to 'forget' again and make dd feel let down by her Uncle. Should I leave it and say nothing or let him know?
Dairymilkmuncher · 29/09/2018 17:35
Depends how close you are!!!
Some siblings are just people you know and should just let them get on with their life in peace, some are close family that need a boot up the arse! If you're close enough give him a call and say please don't forget again you useless man....other brothers would think you were being well cheeky. Only you know that relationship. I have heaps of siblings and different relationships with each. Also depends on their personal circumstances as well, some families would struggle with £3.50 that wasn't necessary so bare that in mind.
Cards are useless, if your daughter (or you) wants to know someone's thinking of you, a phone call or text is just as good and not a waste of paper.
Pemba · 29/09/2018 18:54
Wow, so many crappy aunties who proudly have 'no idea' when their DNs' birthdays are. Really? Seems odd to me.
I feel it is wrong when siblings don't treat each other's DCs reciprocally. But then there is always the dilemma of not wanting your DNs to think you don't care. You could carry on buying, and maybe get your own DCs an extra small gift on their own birthdays, explaining why if they're old enough to understand. Don't forget to ignore your siblings and their partner's birthdays, though!
Or you could just send a message saying 'are we not doing anything for the kids' birthdays now then?' and see what the response is.
headinhands · 29/09/2018 19:19
Wow, so many crappy aunties who proudly have 'no idea' when their DNs' birthdays are. Really? Seems odd to me.
Sigh. People vary. Other people are different to you. Hitting or lying to people makes you crappy. Not posting a piece of stiff paper, that you bought, to your sibling's children does not make you a crappy person.
Even judging people for not sending a piece of folded card doesn't make you a crappy person, just ignorant of how different people have different ideas.
headinhands · 29/09/2018 19:25
it's really rude of them
If that's really rude what would, say, turning up at a funeral with a ghetto blaster blaring out 80's house hits? I've said it before and I'll say it again: Welcome to Mumsnet, nothing's ever a little rude, wither regards to manners you're either the equivalent of Mother Theresa or Rose West.
DarklyDreamingDexter · 29/09/2018 20:17
My brothers have never bothered with my DCs birthdays. If we happen to see each other around the time of one of their birthdays and it comes up, they've been known to hand over a tenner or £20 note on the spot, but no card or anything. Comsequently I've never bothered with their children's birthdays except in the same manner. I suggest you do the same OP.
TreeTopTen · 30/09/2018 00:43
I can't agree with the idea that sending a card or gift shows that you care about someone. My SIL sends everyone cards and gifts and she despises most of those people.
I do think IWBU to remind someone but your DD's birthday is two weeks away and you are already annoyed at the thought your DB might not send a card. You have discussed it with a friend then come on here to write about it - It's clear a card really means an awful lot to you and for that reason I would say go ahead and remind him.
Be prepared to feel a lot worse if you remind him and a card doesn't pop through the door.
As for your DD, I'm sure she is excited and looking forward to her birthday and will have a lovely time with or without a card.
Toffeebanoffee · 30/09/2018 07:13
A mixture of responses! I suppose it's not the not sending a card which is the most annoying, it's the complete lack of acknowledgment of dd's birthdays which is the crux of it.
They don't even get a phone call or text from db. I understand that birthdays don't mean as much to some people, but my sis in law never forgets her own nephews birthday (judging from things she's mentioned) so why can't she at least prompt db to remember my dc's?
Especially as her dd's are acknowledged by me. I'm also not 'educating' my dd's to be upset if they don't receive a 'card', but they're bound to wonder why they're left out when they know I bother with their cousins.
Havaina · 30/09/2018 07:32
Yet they don't, and have even offered suggestions as to what I can buy for their girls, and I always buy what they've asked for
Sorry, OP, but you're a mug. This is so unfair to your dd's. Stop the presents. Send cards if you want to.
People respect you less when you give and give.
headinhands · 30/09/2018 07:34
I'm also not 'educating' my dd's to be upset if they don't receive a 'card', but they're bound to wonder why they're left out when they know I bother with their cousins.
Well then you just explain people have different ideas and it's not a judgment on their worth. It's really not difficult.
Havaina · 30/09/2018 07:37
my sis in law never forgets her own nephews birthday (judging from things she's mentioned) so why can't she at least prompt db to remember my dc's?
Ordinarily I would say it's not her job to remind your bro but if she's giving you suggestions for gifts for her own dds whilst ignoring yours, then shes a cunt, like him.
MissClareRemembers · 30/09/2018 08:02
I would send a message/call him and say “now the DCs are getting older and money is getting tighter, shall we agree not to do cards or gifts anymore?”
Maybe set a small budget for Christmas gifts?
A friend and I did this a few years ago. She initiated it and I didn’t mind a bit. We know each other enough for it not to be an issue.
Toffeebanoffee · 30/09/2018 08:35
headinhands, maybe it isn't up to my sis in law to remind db about birthdays...but... there's nothing stopping sis in law herself forwarding an acknowledgment is there?...especially as she must be in the habit of acknowledging people's birthdays (I.e. her own nephews)
And, she accepts gifts from me for her two dc's. So really its also her that could make an effort! .
Also, what does it matter 'who phoned who' regarding presents?. Fwiw I have phoned them.
However, just because I've asked for suggestions, db and sis in law could've said "Don't worry about gifts Toffee as we're not into card/gift giving so it wouldn't be right for you to buy for ours when we don't do the same".
Instead, they happily say "dc's.would love this or that". fifty pound a pop presents too, and I'm a single mum earning a fifth of what they do!
Sophiesdog11 · 30/09/2018 08:47
My DB did this, but he is a twat and it was very much throwing his toys out of the pram - if he thought anyone had upset him he just said your kids arent getting presents. My kids hate him and couldn't give a monkeys that they didnt get anything, so his action was pointless!
Fine, no problem, be a big baby! I carried on buying my niece for both birthday and xmas, as it wasn't her fault that her dad was a twat.
Until he actually texted me to remind me of his DDs birthday and please dont forget. Fuck that for a game of soldiers, she was in her late teens and at uni and had never sent a thank you for years, so I decided there and then to stop.
In your position Op, I think I would stop buying anything for their children. Not tit for tat, but just better for your own peace of mind. If they ask, just say you agree with their decsion to stop buying for youngsters.
My SIL is completely different, a nice person, we agreed to buy DC until all had proper jobs (2 each, currently between 18 & 22, 3 out of 4 at uni) and whilst she is sometimes late sending, she doesnt forget.
headinhands · 30/09/2018 08:53
Fwiw I have phoned them.
However, just because I've asked for suggestions, db and sis in law could've said "Don't worry about gifts
It seems strange that you're asking for ideas from them while feeling cross about it, it almost looks like you're enjoying feeling cross about your hapless brother.
It's his job. Doing it for her family doesn't mean she should be, or could be responsible for reminding him.
fieryginger · 30/09/2018 08:58
I totally agree with you not doing to same for your nieces - you love them and want them to know that you're thinking of them. I also agree that your DB should do the same for your DC, but not everybody has this sane outlook. I'd give him a nudge, a non confrontational nudge along the lines of "hi, dB, hope you're all well. Just thought that I'd remind you it is so and so's birthday in 13 days, I know she would be over the moon to hear from you, hope you can post her a card as it would make her day. Hope you're all well, love to everyone. See you soon!"
He can't be offended at that. See what happens.
Sophiesdog11 · 30/09/2018 08:59
Oh and whilst I dont agree that doing birthdays etc is womans work, it doesn't necessarily follow that men always have to do it for their families. Most couples split tasks according to what time and skills have.
I do all the birthdays, as I am by far the most organised of the two of us and work PT so more shopping time, but DH would do it if asked, but he does lots of other family stuff that I dont do (sorting car services, getting people in to do work in house, plus much more).
So, yes in theory Op it shouldn't be down to your SIl to remember, but if you know she never forgets her nephew, its likely she remembers your kids but cant be bothered to even remind her DH.
Toffeebanoffee · 30/09/2018 09:05
headinhands I ask for ideas from them not because 'I'm enjoying feeling cross', but because I don't know which toys their dd's already have, and I don't want to buy something that they've either already got or don't want. It's as simple as that.
Yet you seem intent on trying to 'disect and twist everything I write'
Are you deliberately trying to wind me up? Or are you unintentionally goady I wonder?
As for you saying its not sis in laws job, I've already explained if you take the time to read properly that there's nothing to stop her acknowledging my dd's birthdays herself, considering she accepts gifts from me for her children.
Raspberry10 · 30/09/2018 09:39
For years I always made sure my SIL’s five children had a card and present every year for birthdays and a present at Christmas. When we had our daughter, you’ve guessed it absolutely nothing in return. We thought maybe the first year it was an oversight, after year 3 it was apparent they didn’t actually give a crap. So we stopped bothering. Some people just don’t care enough to make an effort, as you DD is now a teen I think maybe accept it’s never going to happen.
LuvSmallDogs · 30/09/2018 11:32
I still don’t think it’s your SIL’s job to sort out your DBro’s side of the family with cards and prezzies?
I only half-heartedly nudge DH about MIL’s bday as it’s just before my DF’s so if I’m thinking of his I know it’s time for DH to think of her’s. I think most couples now take care of their own side of the family.
Just stop sending anything and if they ask why, tell them.
Toffeebanoffee · 01/10/2018 05:46
I know it isn't his wife's 'job' to sort out db's side of the family, but I'll reiterate for what seems like the tenth time, sis in law accepts gifts for her children from me, so I would say it should also be down to her to make an effort for my dc's!
NoSquirrels · 01/10/2018 12:22
It really depends if you see gift giving as a transactional thing - I give a gift, so you should reciprocate - or if you see it as a non-reciprocal arrangement - you bought a gift and my job is to receive it gratefully, transaction over.
Presumably you get satisfaction from the giving? You don't give to receive.
I do understand why you feel it is galling on your DC's behalf, but honestly you need to either be upfront and say "This upsets me, let's make an agreement" or resolve yourself to not care. Sitting in the middle stewing about it but still giving gifts you resent isn't the best option.
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