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WIBU to 'remind' my sibling that my dd's birthday is approaching?

102 replies

Toffeebanoffee · 27/09/2018 19:21

For the last few years my brother has occasionally 'forgotten' to acknowledge my dd's birthdays (young teenagers) and I haven't said anything to him.
Firstly, I don't expect presents for them (neither do my dd's), but a card would be appreciative! .... I feel annoyed for my dd's (although I don't let on to them) when yet again 'Uncle Tom' hasn't sent them birthday wishes, as I know they feel as if he's not bothered and as if it's a case of out of sight out of mind. (He lives a distance away from us, so we don't see each other often)

What really annoys me is the fact that he has three young dd's with his wife, and I always make sure I send my niece's cards and presents without fail.
My friend suggested I don't send anything to his dc's, and treat his children the same, but I wouldn't dream of leaving his girls out and I continue to make an effort for them.

It's my dd's birthday in a fortnight and I'm considering 'reminding' my db and his wife that it's their niece's birthday and that she'd appreciate a card.
I just don't want him to 'forget' again and make dd feel let down by her Uncle. Should I leave it and say nothing or let him know?

OP posts:

Toffeebanoffee · 28/09/2018 09:26

Just to say, db did always acknowledge birthdays (and Christmas) but its been 'hit and miss' for the last probably four or five years now. Our dc's are all still fairly young, so I could understand if they're all older.
When I say hit and miss, I mean one year one of my dd's might be acknowledged on their birthdays, and Xmas before last db didn't bother. Last year he didn't acknowledge either birthday.

I'll have to accept that's the way it is I guess!. Working now so back later.

OP posts:

WinterIsComing84 · 28/09/2018 09:31

I know all families are different, but I cannot imagine forgetting my nieces and nephews birthday's, or having my daughter forgotten by my siblings/in-laws.

Birthday's are a big thing for us all, and all children in the family are made to feel special on their birthday.

It's my nieces 7th birthday today - we did a 500 mile roundtrip at the weekend to visit family and give her her presents and cards, and we'll facetime her after school today to sing happy birthday and watch her open them.

We do this for each child's birthday (there are 7 of them, so not a big deal over the course of a year)

I'm genuinely not boasting, I'm just giving another perspective on how adults view and treat nieces and nephews birthday's.


Toffeebanoffee · 28/09/2018 09:31

Before I go I want to add, db always acknowledges my birthday (i know he's more likely to remember mine) but I'd rather he didn't bother about mine either if my dd's are forgotten.

OP posts:

WinterIsComing84 · 28/09/2018 09:32

So to answer your AIBU - in my opinion, absolutely not.


HesterLee · 28/09/2018 09:44

I think when they make present suggestions for their children is the point when you ask them very directly why they ignore your childrens birthdays.


spanishwife · 28/09/2018 09:53

Sounds like you just need to have a conversation about it.. when he misses DDs maybe just say something like "shall we stop doing birthdays for the girls then?" and agree on something together. It shouldn't be one-way and he must realise this when his kids get gifts and he doesn't even know when yours have their birthday! CF!


TheDowagerCuntess · 28/09/2018 10:05

I remind my DB.

He doesn't have DC of his own (and never will), but loves mine and they love him.

However, he has a busy life on the other side of the world, and isn't great with dates (many people aren't).

I prompt him - and checked the first time that it was OK to do so, to which he confirmed it absolutely was, and to please always do so for his peace of mind.

All good.


KC225 · 28/09/2018 10:13

I agree with Spanish, this is an ideal time to have a conversation 'shall we forget about birthdays/Christmas now then?'. It doesn't have to confrontation or pouty. But maybe he wants you to remind him or maybe he finds the gift swapping a little awkward now and wishes to stop.


FruitofAutumn · 28/09/2018 10:23

They are sending you the messae that they don't want to do birthday presents/cards any more.


stayathomer · 28/09/2018 10:33

I do remind my db but more because he told me before to make sure to do it. Saying that it would be in a randomly put (as someone said above) 'if you're about x day we were going to have cake' or I say about how excited they are because it's c's birthday. I absolutely can't talk-we have a calendar up and yet I'm still late or miss birthdays and they get their cards and pressies after. If you're not supremo organised you can just mid-plan. I don't like when people get upset about this sort of thing-you have to take into account other people's lives and I think your friend's suggestion to not send a card is disgraceful-it takes away from the point of a present or a cardConfused


Yokohamajojo · 28/09/2018 10:36

I have the same with my brother but I don't let it bother me, I still send presents to his kids because I love them and want to give them something. We live far away from each other so don't see them very often


Toffeebanoffee · 28/09/2018 16:58

FruitofAutumn, if that's the message they're trying to give then why do they send me cards still?

OP posts:

mimibunz · 28/09/2018 17:04

Do kids really care about cards?


greenlynx · 28/09/2018 17:44

It certainly strange that he send a card to you but not to kids. Could it be that your birthday is at the date which he always remember whereas your girls are around busy time of the year for him?
I would definitely talk with him about this when he/ his wife mentioning presents for their children.
By the way my nephew whom I always phone on his birthday is over 30 and lives in different country at the moment. It never occurred to me that I shouldn’t bother as he is too old!


headinhands · 28/09/2018 20:11

Women do remembering, cards and presents

I'm a women and I don't do that, and neither do the others (assuming they're female) who've told us as much on this thread.


Notsohorriblehistory · 28/09/2018 20:13

“bro... don’t go forgetting “x’s” birthday on the xyz!
Ps love you”

That’s the message I sent my brother two weeks ago in relation to my son’s birthday.

No big deal.


headinhands · 29/09/2018 14:24

Do kids really care about cards?

Left to their own devices no. They need to be taught by adults to see a folded piece of card as proof of a relatives concern for their wellbeing.


SherbetSorbet · 29/09/2018 15:49

Left to their own devices no. They need to be taught by adults to see a folded piece of card as proof of a relatives concern for their wellbeing.



GreatDuckCookery6211 · 29/09/2018 16:02

You're not annoyed on your DDs behalf, you're annoyed because you send his DC's presents and they don't return the favour.

Which isn't what present giving should be about.


Walkerbean16 · 29/09/2018 16:11

i reminded my SIL about my three kids birthdays. no cards no phone calls nothing - yet when i decided enough was enough and didnt send her DDs a present as usual we all got blocked from contacting them! bear in mind her DDs have had 21 and 16 years worth of presents and mine have had nothing.


sockunicorn · 29/09/2018 16:31

personally i would just send his DC cards in future and save your money. That way they still know you care but hopefully he gets the hint that he cant be a CF who accepts gifts and sends nothing back. extremely bad manners in my view.


reallyanotherone · 29/09/2018 16:39

Don’t send to recieve.

If you want to send your neices cards or gifts, do so. If you don’t want to, don’t. But dont withhold cards as a tit for tat, it’s not the kids fault.

Sil never sends cards or gifts. Dc are old enough now that they know not to expect anything. Dh no longer sends his nephews gifts as they are both nearly 30, but he did every year without fail until they were early 20’s. Sil has never bothered, and now uses the excuse that dh no longer does.

I have an elderly aunt that without fail sends a token birthdays and christmas. I don’t send my cousins anything, and I don’t think my mum does (there are hundreds of them though, 9 children!).

All it means is the kids still have a lovely relationship with their great aunt, like going to see her, write letters, send photos etc. They barely know their aunt.


Maelstrop · 29/09/2018 16:47

I wouldn’t get for his, but I’m a mean bitch. Why do you keep sending presents?


Justkeeprollingalong · 29/09/2018 17:14

My SiL only liked one of my daughters and would send them very different birthday and Christmas presents. Think £5 in a card or £100 bike. Didn't say anything for years as DH used to say she didn't mean it. Like fuck she didn't.
I used to add to the unloved one's present myself so she didn't know!


BusyMum47 · 29/09/2018 17:20

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all - it's really rude of them to forget your kids while you continue to send to theirs! I'd have to mention it & would probably stop buying for their kids & see what happens!

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