Husband blissfully happy I’m miserable

[Vanessatiger]

I usually keep my mouth shut when he appears controlling (and he is), down to whether I should give dc1 (3.5) a piece of cheese before she has a piece of ham first. He would look at me with stares then say at breakfast table “I have prepared ham for her her (pointing at his plate), I wanted her to finish her bread first” (unbeknown to me I had given her a piece of cheese as she asked for it, then he’d get annoyed.. I’ve stopped giving her food as he’s so controlling and bossy about it. It truly wears me down. Thing is, he’s very happy with our life. He says it quite often we have such a beautiful family and we have a nice house, nice life.

We got a job abroad (think Saudi Arabia like). We now live here. I feel restrained, like trapped in a golden cage. I love my DCs. I suppose it’s not a bad life, but I’m unhappy with our marriage.
In this marriage, I do all the domestic work (well actually I delegate them to housestaff). Anyhow, I try to explain to my husband I’m not that happy here but he thinks I’m ungrateful.

Every day I think of leaving him but never really get around to it.

I suppose I’m just ranting. I need an outlet.
The expatriate community is so small here, I wouldn’t trust I could talk to somebody (a friend) and it not being the gossip of town..

I suppose I also resent the fact that this summer we went back to Europe (we holidayed in France) to see his almost adult sons and he acted like a misogynistic sexist fool the whole time. He would say to his oldest son “check the girl out huh” (girl with revealing top) in a totally cringeworthy way. I’d constantly tell him off as our 3 year old is a girl and she’s started absorbing people’s way of speaking. He’d almost start racing with older ladies saying “look at this hag in a porche i bet i can race faster than her hahaha (with a cruel laugh) with my 3 yr old in the car. He’s a total disney dad, totally inappropriate, that’s because he wants them to like him and he’d never tell them off about anything.

I guess I don’t like him very much. It was a very very long two weeks holiday. I didn’t enjoy it one bit. I had also asked if his sons wanted to go diving, they said yes. So I did my research and contacted diving school emailed back and forth, paid etc.. only for them to say “I don’t feel like diving” only the day before.
In fact they didn’t feel like doing anything except for being on their phones all day.. in the beautiful south of France! They only wanted to sleep in to 12 and do nothing, and my husband said let them and told me off for booking so many activities for them. When I was that age I enjoyed sailing and doing activities, I don’t remember being so passive. Anyway, my husband told me off for pressuring them to go sailing when I simply wanted them to get out more than just staying in the Airbnb rooms all day! It created resentment as my husband was too scared to tell them to do anything.
He also not once told them to help us with putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher! Basically he expected me to do everything during the holidays!
His oldest has ADHD and aspergers so he can’t really read people so well. He was also mean on purpose to my 3 yr old (laughing cruelly, doing mean things to make her cry). He’s 17. I was quite stressed the whole holiday.

Now in September I just feel I’ve lost all respect for my husband.

Aibu to leave him?

ILoveHumanity Moving countries certainly isn't going to change the fact dh is sexist, rude and has very little regard of his wife's needs or happiness.

Not one person has considered that op might be involved in slavery. We have acknowledged that she feels trapped. The two are very different.

Putting your foot down will alert him to the fact you are very unhappy, and that is the last thing you want to do in a country like that. Nod along, and get the hell out of there.

ILoveHumanity
or else what? The op has simply no power in this situation. Zero. Nada. Zip.

This man has powerful allies and money. It is likely he can easily get his wife deported, imprisoned or sectioned (if such a thing exists over there). Divorce his wife and deny her access to her child. Rape and beat her and no one will come to her aid in fact they will probably blame her or imprison her for reporting him. He can probably ever murder her or have her killed with no consequence.

Mummy...

Holy shit that’s a lot of assumptions against a man we know nothing about

OP, I think you really need to start with some counselling to build up your sense of self worth. We can give you all the advice in the world, but if you lack confidence to go through with it, you will be stuck.

This is not a criticism of you, but the years you have spent with this man have eroded your spirit.
Perhaps another poster can suggest how to do it, but I would try and get counselling remotely via Skype / WhatsApp with someone in the UK. Australia
Although one would hope that there was client confidentiality; I would fear that in a small place, the fact that you were seeing a therapist regularly could get out.

badtasteflump I was responding to the op who was using these as plus points, my point is that they aren’t plus points on their own, how you’re treated is more important

Probably didn’t explain myself well enough
Sorry

Mummy isn’t too far off...

Op isn’t IN Saudi, but somewhere similar

Women have next to zero rights if a man is really intent on depriving her of them in even relativity moderate places in that region.

Backhanders get you the justice you can afford.

@Mummyoflittledragon I don't think I fully understood that was the reality.

OP I'm sorry if came across as critical of you in my post. I'd be wary of counselling unless it was via Skype to a US or UK regulated professional. Could there be abuses of power and breaches of trust in the healthcare system over there too?

Yes breaches of trust by professionals can easily happen here..

ILoveHumanity
I didn’t say he will. It’s just that he can should he choose to do so. I know someone, who lived in Dubai as I say - I know op isn’t there. We talked about what it is actually like there as I didn’t know it was as bad due to the plush facade. Before this I more associated this with countries less seemingly tolerant to the west. We can all live in a bubble and pretend these things aren’t happening. But if someone wealthy wants anyone bumped off out there, bones are easily hidden in the desert.

ILoveHumanity
It's not assumptions about the man, its a recognition of the lack of rights women have in some places. At minimum he may be able so say - you leave if you want to but the DC stay with me. What sort of choice is that?

HairEverywhere
Horrible isn’t it?

Vanessa
I’m sorry you are finding it tough to find someone to trust. It doesn’t surprise me you can’t trust professionals.

You need to get out. I'd be arranging a sick relative to visit in UK. Get an appt with a Solicitor. Get copies of bank statements as he can hide his true income easier if he's overseas. But the teenagers are just that: it's not really your remit to 'organise' their downtime. Teens need a lot of sleep developmentally.

Online Counselling UK

Online counselling Australia May be closer to your time zone OP

While I sympathise OP, I am also tearing my hair out at yet another woman with young children who agreed to move to the Middle East with a controlling prick of a husband. Why oh why!!!

Op you can do this. You can leave him. You need to return to the UK first though. That should be your first step. Can you do that on some pretext?

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

I am Muslim and I used to tell my pupils to not ever marry a man from any of the Arab countries and settle there as women have next to no rights in those countries.

Thinking of you op. Hugs x

You say you are wife number 3.
What happened to wives 1 and 2? Presumably he treated them in much the same way.

While your husband does sound like a bit of a pain..

They only wanted to sleep in to 12 and do nothing, and my husband said let them and told me off for booking so many activities for them

You really shouldn't be coaxing "almost adults" to do things on holiday they don't want to do. The whole point of being on holiday is doing what you want, even if that includes relaxing and sleeping in. Just because you were active as a teenager doesn't mean they all are (or should be).

Just kill him and make it look like an accident. #jokingnotjoking

You self worth will improve over night when you leave the repressive country you are living in, along with the stifling husband. You don't need counselling, you need to find a way to escape without compromising yourself and your child.

A cool head, a good plan and a plane ticket should do the job.

You say you are wife number 3.What happened to wives 1 and 2? Presumably he treated them in much the same way

I think that might be a BIG problem for the OP. She has been very critical here about at least one of his ex wives, saying how evil she is and how her husband had to move aboard because he was suicidal and now he only sees his kids a two weeks a year to avoid dealing with his ex and it’s all her fault etc.

So it must be very hard to step back and realise

1. Maybe I’ve not got the whole story here and it’s not all her fault

1. A decent man ( especially a rich man with access to the best lawyers) would stay and fight for his kids, not move to the other side of the world. Let’s face it, the courts are very favourably disposed to rich, white ,charming, professional men.

1. This is exactly how my husband will treat me and my kids if I leave him .

That’s a very bitter pill to swallow .

OP, I'm so sorry but I hope this isn't considered as troll hunting because I was reading your OP and remembered your other thread a few months ago, as your situation stuck in my mind!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3271060-Saddened-about-DH-s-response-about-downsizing?msgid=78467490#78467490

You talked about leaving him then and you haven't. Things haven't got better. How realistic is it that you could leave him easily and still have your children in your care?

Please don't link to her previous threads as the OP is in a vulnerable situation and it doesn't add anything to this thread to be made to feel bad for not taking advice, however well meaning.

"While I sympathise OP, I am also tearing my hair out at yet another woman with young children who agreed to move to the Middle East with a controlling prick of a husband. Why oh why!!!"

Yep!!

Haireverywhere - but the way the OP is written is ‘oh I’ve noticed my husband is controlling and mysogynistic, AIBU to leave?’ Without mentioning that he has beaten her in the past, unable to leave etc etc.

I appreciate it takes time in a vulnerable situation to decide what to do, but it’s not unreasonable to ask: what advice are you looking for that you haven’t already had?

The post is in AIBU, not relationships or legal matters. Knowing the backstory, nobody would ever say YABU. So what’s the point of posting without including all the relevant information? Mentioning your husbands tnedancy to be rude about older women drivers pales in significance to a husband who gets drunk and beats you at night, and the advice for the former is irrelevant when you know the latter, really

But he isn’t a bad person. He loves our daughter, he can be a nice person just not a nice husband

Your husband hates women. You live in a country that hates women. Why?!! Why are you selling yourself so short? Do you actually believe that women are less worthy than men?