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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband blissfully happy I’m miserable

150 replies

Vanessatiger · 27/09/2018 09:05

I usually keep my mouth shut when he appears controlling (and he is), down to whether I should give dc1 (3.5) a piece of cheese before she has a piece of ham first. He would look at me with stares then say at breakfast table “I have prepared ham for her her (pointing at his plate), I wanted her to finish her bread first” (unbeknown to me I had given her a piece of cheese as she asked for it, then he’d get annoyed.. I’ve stopped giving her food as he’s so controlling and bossy about it. It truly wears me down. Thing is, he’s very happy with our life. He says it quite often we have such a beautiful family and we have a nice house, nice life.

We got a job abroad (think Saudi Arabia like). We now live here. I feel restrained, like trapped in a golden cage. I love my DCs. I suppose it’s not a bad life, but I’m unhappy with our marriage.
In this marriage, I do all the domestic work (well actually I delegate them to housestaff). Anyhow, I try to explain to my husband I’m not that happy here but he thinks I’m ungrateful.

Every day I think of leaving him but never really get around to it.

I suppose I’m just ranting. I need an outlet.
The expatriate community is so small here, I wouldn’t trust I could talk to somebody (a friend) and it not being the gossip of town..

I suppose I also resent the fact that this summer we went back to Europe (we holidayed in France) to see his almost adult sons and he acted like a misogynistic sexist fool the whole time. He would say to his oldest son “check the girl out huh” (girl with revealing top) in a totally cringeworthy way. I’d constantly tell him off as our 3 year old is a girl and she’s started absorbing people’s way of speaking. He’d almost start racing with older ladies saying “look at this hag in a porche i bet i can race faster than her hahaha (with a cruel laugh) with my 3 yr old in the car. He’s a total disney dad, totally inappropriate, that’s because he wants them to like him and he’d never tell them off about anything.

I guess I don’t like him very much. It was a very very long two weeks holiday. I didn’t enjoy it one bit. I had also asked if his sons wanted to go diving, they said yes. So I did my research and contacted diving school emailed back and forth, paid etc.. only for them to say “I don’t feel like diving” only the day before.
In fact they didn’t feel like doing anything except for being on their phones all day.. in the beautiful south of France! They only wanted to sleep in to 12 and do nothing, and my husband said let them and told me off for booking so many activities for them. When I was that age I enjoyed sailing and doing activities, I don’t remember being so passive. Anyway, my husband told me off for pressuring them to go sailing when I simply wanted them to get out more than just staying in the Airbnb rooms all day! It created resentment as my husband was too scared to tell them to do anything.
He also not once told them to help us with putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher! Basically he expected me to do everything during the holidays!
His oldest has ADHD and aspergers so he can’t really read people so well. He was also mean on purpose to my 3 yr old (laughing cruelly, doing mean things to make her cry). He’s 17. I was quite stressed the whole holiday.

Now in September I just feel I’ve lost all respect for my husband.

Aibu to leave him?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 27/09/2018 10:53

Well you clearly have to leave him. For your dd's sake if not your own.

You know he will be nasty and deceitful about a divorce so you really need to understand the laws according to both of your nationalities and where you will be living when you separate.

You need proper legal advice. No one here can help you as you're not giving the information needed to even come close to helping you out here.

Sorry, you are going to have to be more proactive than this.

Badtasteflump · 27/09/2018 10:54

OP what I think is genuinely sad is you've posted about this same issue before, been given good advice but then never do anything about it. Meanwhile you are living your life feeling miserable and they are years you will never get back.

This time why not just do something; one thing. Book an appointment with a solicitor for some actual, solid advice. Talk to a real life friend - ie do something real and solid towards changing the situation.

You can post about it on the internet a million times but nothing will change unless you actually do something Flowers

NotMaryWhitehouse · 27/09/2018 10:55

What happened with your flat in London? Could you go and stay with your sister there?

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 27/09/2018 10:56

What’s wrong with staying at an Airbnb? There are those ones which are beautiful villas right on the coast. I always book them now that I’ve learned to use their app.

OP posts:
0rlaith · 27/09/2018 10:57

If you are in the ME, you can’t just walk out and leave your H like this.Youll need much more preparation.You need to contact a lawyer that can tell you what you can and cant do. My first gut reaction wouod be to put some money aside on an UK bank account and to ask to go back to the uk for a week or so to see family. WITHOUT him. And then stay in the uk with your dd and then ask for divorce

You need to stop fantasising and get advice NOW. Make sure the lawyer you choose has no business or social connection to your husband .

Make sure your husband can’t track you online.

Gottalovethesummer · 27/09/2018 10:58

When you are ready to leave, I wouldn't tell him while you are in that country. I would keep up the pretence of a happy marriage then go on holiday with your daughter to visit your family. While there, you can get top legal advice and then not return.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 27/09/2018 10:58

Time to make some discreet enquiries. Have you a support network in the uk?

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 27/09/2018 10:58

I still have the flat

I’m not hard done by, over the years I have saved a bit. I could leave. But somehow I need courage.
I couldn’t tell him I’m leaving though and it feels wrong. I think he might take our children or he may not. I don’t know. He might take them to spite me and just leave them with staff :(

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 27/09/2018 10:59

He can be a perfectly good person and a good dad and still not be the right person for you. Tbh it doesn’t sound like he’s either but you need to get your ducks in a row. Take specialist legal advice and make your plans to leave him. Return to the UK and build your life up. Just because your dd doesn’t have a father living with her doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a father

oohyoudevilyou · 27/09/2018 10:59

You need to speak to someone you can trust (family or old friends in UK?) to help you get away. Do your children have UK passports? If you can get yourself and them (maybe under false pretences) back to the UK you can access help - legal, housing, welfare benefits to enable you to start again near your family. You don't have to stay with this odious creature in his world....being alone and skint may be scary, but the current situation sounds worse, and potentially damaging to your children.

lizzzyyliveson · 27/09/2018 11:00

Yes, because that is what is most important - whether we are impressed by your airbnb. I'm out.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 27/09/2018 11:00

I’m sorry I’ve posted about this before and never done anything about it.. I’m too weak to leave I suppose

OP posts:
Talia99 · 27/09/2018 11:02

Since you have the ability to support yourself etc. I think the key point here is your daughter. You are resident in a country where if you leave him you are likely to lose your rights of residency and where he may well be legally entitled to full custody of her.

Even going back to the U.K. on holiday and staying may not work if she is habitually resident where you are at the moment.

What are you and your husband planning on doing about her education? Can you argue you want her in a UK school and move back with her? That would mean sticking it out for another year but depending on how controlling he is, having him think any separation / divorce is his idea may result in the best outcome.

Womaningreen · 27/09/2018 11:03

"I’m afraid of change and being alone, of not giving my children a father"

so your DC could end up like me. more than 40 years on, still wishing my parents had divorced when I was little and mum was treated in a similar way. Also the ham and cheese thing - exactly what my dad would have done.

it's a long life, wishing your parents would get on and divorce. then they never do it, and you don't see your mum as often as you'd like because he's always there...controlling...till he dies. which in age of very long life, may not occur till he is 100.

Haireverywhere · 27/09/2018 11:03

OP as crazy as this sounds, I wonder if the situation isn't THAT bad for you so you stay. Objectively, to us reading this and your previous posts, it sounds bloody terrible! But it always seems like you're waiting for something to tip the scales and give you courage or motivation to leave (or take steps towards leaving).

Think of it like this. What if it never gets any worse, but this, how it is now, is as good as it gets? Is that good enough?

0rlaith · 27/09/2018 11:04

Ah OP, I see you are not in the Middle East as you live a 20 hour flight away from your parents in London. So you must be the Philippines or similar, as house staff are not cheap in Australia .

Is that right ?

Badtasteflump · 27/09/2018 11:04

OP You don't need to apologise - what I'm trying to say is that if you were my friend and I was hearing this story over and over but watching you do nothing, I would want to give you a push to actually take the first step to make a plan. Once you start, it won't feel quite as daunting. You have two choices - stay put and know you will be miserable, or leave and have the possibility of a happier life Flowers

NotMaryWhitehouse · 27/09/2018 11:06

@Vanessatiger tell him you're going to see your sister, take the kids, don't go back. Honestly, life is too short to be miserable!

NotMaryWhitehouse · 27/09/2018 11:07

@Vanessatiger not meaning to sound flippant, just be brave and think towards the future

Talia99 · 27/09/2018 11:07

Sorry, I didn’t realise you have more than one child. Obviously what I have said applies to all the children of the marriage.

morningconstitutional2017 · 27/09/2018 11:10

This sounds terrible and I'd be very unhappy in your situation. If you decide to leave you must go about it with extreme care because of any possible repercussions. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Boblingoblino31 · 27/09/2018 11:10

It’s so easy to say leave. But can be so bloody hard to do even when it’s what you want, what is best for you and any DC and it’s incredibly frightening. More so when the partner you want to leave wields the power, is controlling and can be vindictive if crosses. Don’t beat yourself up for not having had the courage to go. My only caution is don’t put it off and off indefinitely because then you can end up leaving because you have little choice and with the realisation you have wasted the best years of your life with someone who wasn’t worthy.

You won’t be depriving your DD of a father, you will very possibly feel less alone then you do now and the sense of being in charge of your own life is often hugely liberating.

You can have everything materially yet nothing you actually need or want to be at peace and content.
Does your Hs job have an end date. Do you have family/friends in the UK? Can you get legal advice and then go from there.

Orchiddingme · 27/09/2018 11:12

OP you are not weak, you've tried to make a good life for yourself and your children. But things are not right for you. I really feel for you. Do get good advice so that whatever move you make holds up in court ultimately (e.g. I had a friend who came back 'for the children's schooling' for a year to establish residency in the UK). You need specific advice to the country in which you reside. Good luck.

Feefeetrixabelle · 27/09/2018 11:20

By our not weak OP your facing a decision that a lot of people make. Take your time

butterfly56 · 27/09/2018 11:37

It sounds like a nightmare situation OP.

I agree with other posters about trying to get back to UK for DCs education.
Be careful who you trust with any of your plans.

Keep your cards very close to your chest.

Even telling family can be difficult just keep to the story about coming back for children education and maybe that you are also homesick.

Whichever way plan things thoroughly and you're going to have to make him think it was all his idea.
People like him are really dangerous to deal with if you try and call them out on anything or try and break things off with them.
Remember he wants the power and control always!
How does he treat his ex wives or how does he speak about them?

Does he treat them well or has he made their lives hell during their divorce?...this will give you some idea what you are up against.
You are going to have to be really careful how you handle this situation OP Flowers