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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband blissfully happy I’m miserable

150 replies

Vanessatiger · 27/09/2018 09:05

I usually keep my mouth shut when he appears controlling (and he is), down to whether I should give dc1 (3.5) a piece of cheese before she has a piece of ham first. He would look at me with stares then say at breakfast table “I have prepared ham for her her (pointing at his plate), I wanted her to finish her bread first” (unbeknown to me I had given her a piece of cheese as she asked for it, then he’d get annoyed.. I’ve stopped giving her food as he’s so controlling and bossy about it. It truly wears me down. Thing is, he’s very happy with our life. He says it quite often we have such a beautiful family and we have a nice house, nice life.

We got a job abroad (think Saudi Arabia like). We now live here. I feel restrained, like trapped in a golden cage. I love my DCs. I suppose it’s not a bad life, but I’m unhappy with our marriage.
In this marriage, I do all the domestic work (well actually I delegate them to housestaff). Anyhow, I try to explain to my husband I’m not that happy here but he thinks I’m ungrateful.

Every day I think of leaving him but never really get around to it.

I suppose I’m just ranting. I need an outlet.
The expatriate community is so small here, I wouldn’t trust I could talk to somebody (a friend) and it not being the gossip of town..

I suppose I also resent the fact that this summer we went back to Europe (we holidayed in France) to see his almost adult sons and he acted like a misogynistic sexist fool the whole time. He would say to his oldest son “check the girl out huh” (girl with revealing top) in a totally cringeworthy way. I’d constantly tell him off as our 3 year old is a girl and she’s started absorbing people’s way of speaking. He’d almost start racing with older ladies saying “look at this hag in a porche i bet i can race faster than her hahaha (with a cruel laugh) with my 3 yr old in the car. He’s a total disney dad, totally inappropriate, that’s because he wants them to like him and he’d never tell them off about anything.

I guess I don’t like him very much. It was a very very long two weeks holiday. I didn’t enjoy it one bit. I had also asked if his sons wanted to go diving, they said yes. So I did my research and contacted diving school emailed back and forth, paid etc.. only for them to say “I don’t feel like diving” only the day before.
In fact they didn’t feel like doing anything except for being on their phones all day.. in the beautiful south of France! They only wanted to sleep in to 12 and do nothing, and my husband said let them and told me off for booking so many activities for them. When I was that age I enjoyed sailing and doing activities, I don’t remember being so passive. Anyway, my husband told me off for pressuring them to go sailing when I simply wanted them to get out more than just staying in the Airbnb rooms all day! It created resentment as my husband was too scared to tell them to do anything.
He also not once told them to help us with putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher! Basically he expected me to do everything during the holidays!
His oldest has ADHD and aspergers so he can’t really read people so well. He was also mean on purpose to my 3 yr old (laughing cruelly, doing mean things to make her cry). He’s 17. I was quite stressed the whole holiday.

Now in September I just feel I’ve lost all respect for my husband.

Aibu to leave him?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2018 11:48

A friend of mine used to live in move in Dubai and knew the son of a very influential family. I can’t find the newspaper article. Basically he got a British woman pregnant, didn’t want to know and she went back to England and married. The husband then stepfather adopted her child.

When he was 10, the family were now in contact with the father. visited and the father. The father then told them they could leave but wouldn’t allow the son out of the country. The mother thought she could fight it from back in the U.K. but she was wrong. The father took no care of his child, paid him no attention and he was looked after by staff. He was 10 so very aware of his British roots. When he was 16 on the last day of term he managed to obtain his passport and ticket and get on a flight back to Britain before he was caught. This mother and son were so lucky to be reunited. He remembered home.

Your husband sounds very arrogant. You aren’t wife number 3 for no good reason. I think it is extremely likely he would prevent you from leaving with your dd and if he gets wind that you are making plans, he may easily find a way for you to be forced to leave the country or put in prison on some trumped up charge. You arefterall are probably littel more than possessions.

Your dds life would very likely be as I describe with the difference being that at 3.5 she will hardly remember you. She will be fully integrated and accept this way of life and become a prisoner in a gilded cage herself. Even if you stay, the same fate awaits her.

You need to tread very carefully. Do whatever you do you need to do. Get good advice and cover your tracks carefully. I really really think you need to leave.

overnightangel · 27/09/2018 11:53

What a grim situation

Fairenuff · 27/09/2018 11:56

If you think he won't let the children leave then you have two choices OP.

  1. Stay and be miserable
  2. Plan your escape with your children

or I suppose you could leave without the children but I don't think you would want to do that would you?

You need legal advice and people who you can trust to help you get out of there.

You should also log out of any sites you use and clear your history so that he doesn't find out about this as it will make it so much harder to leave if he knows what you are planning.

DorasBob · 27/09/2018 12:07

Haven’t RTFT but didn’t realise you could buy ham in Saudi Arabia....

DorasBob · 27/09/2018 12:09

You don’t have any money eh OP?

So how would you leave?

Badtasteflump · 27/09/2018 12:10

Doras OP doesn't live in Saudi - she said it was somewhere 'like' Saudi...

Snowymountainsalways · 27/09/2018 12:11

So op, how about flying back (with most of your precious things) on the grounds of checking out education opportunities (boarding schools and day schools) with the children. An extended holiday to see your friends and family.

You can obtain legal advice in the UK (I would not do this where you are for fear he will find out one way or another) and then you can tell him you are not prepared to go back. Your home is the UK, the children are I am assuming registered and are citizens of the UK. Your permanent home is in the UK where laws will protect you and your children.

Do you still have an address you both share in the UK?

He will then need to fly back to discuss your future (your divorce or separation) and you can take things from there.

I would fly back as soon as possible, telling him until your plane is in the air that you love him and will be back. If he chooses to come with you all the better. Do not tell your family, you can tell them once you are safe and don't tell any of your friends in the ME or at home.

Please delete this thread when it is finished and wipe your history from every device.

When you are home and have support, you can start to consider your options. You will have the space to think your marriage through, but from what you are saying you are no longer in love this man, nor do you even respect or like him as a person. You deserve more than this. Really you do.

BevBrook · 27/09/2018 12:11

Haven’t RTFT but didn’t realise you could buy ham in Saudi Arabia...
OP says she is somewhere like Saudi Arabia. Not Saudi Arabia itself.

DunesOfSand · 27/09/2018 12:11

@DorasBob.
You can. Sort of.
You can buy turkey ham, beef bacon, chicken, beef or lamb sausages.
But there isn't a hint of pork (or alcohol) here. But I do make "ham" sandwiches for the kids.

DorasBob · 27/09/2018 12:12

Where she can’t legally work?
Not many countries that I can think of that you could easily buy ham in those circumstances

DorasBob · 27/09/2018 12:22

Also OP, it looks like you’ve posted many times about this relationship that is abusive and violent. You’ve had advice to leave, that things won’t get better.

What are you hoping people will say on this thread that could give you further clarity?

PonyPals · 27/09/2018 12:29

@0rlaith you are so funny! Do you really think women can't work in Australia?!!!

0rlaith · 27/09/2018 12:34

No I don’t. But I’m trying to work out where there is a country like Saudi Arabia where women can’t work and labour is cheap that’s a 20 hour flight from London. And I’m struggling.

And it’s kind of important as the legal jurisdiction is crucial to the OPs situation. I think most posters are agreed on that.

DorasBob · 27/09/2018 12:36

I never understand why people don’t just say which country they are in. Anyone who knew them who was reading could work it out anyway, and it’s not like anonymous mumsnet users will be like: oh, she’s in Saudi Arabia! Must be Sarah Jones from Coventry...

UtterlyDesperate · 27/09/2018 12:41

Look, I'm sorry you are in this situation, op - but if you're in an Estrada - Juffali situation, you must realise (as if being younger wife no 3 wasn't enough) that you are unlikely to be his last wife. Now does this give you an incentive to leave on your terms?

prettypossums · 27/09/2018 12:41

No I don’t. But I’m trying to work out where there is a country like Saudi Arabia where women can’t work and labour is cheap that’s a 20 hour flight from London. And I’m struggling.

I can think of exactly such a place - Brunei

Hissy · 27/09/2018 12:47

Oh love, I remember you! (((Hug)))

you need to leave, you know this. You need to play a long game (I've been there, done that, and now i'm happier than I have ever been with an amazing man who is a better father to my DS than my ex ever was or will be

Your mission now is to set the wheels in motion to leave, and to save money, protect documents and then when you can make a scheduled trip home, that's that.

I've been in the golden ME cage, with a man who went 'native' as soon as the wheels hit the tarmac of the airport.

3 years of misery. would not wish that on a soul.

Come home when you can and divorce him from London.

on this:
he’s very worldly, very intelligent, very wealthy, very respected in society

My new partner is all this.. BUT he treats me with absolute respect and love, my happiness is an utter priority for him.

My Ex thought he was all that. He was thought highly of by everyone, but treated me like crap - it's part of the abuser script as it destroys any hope of support you would get from outside

Badtasteflump · 27/09/2018 12:51

he’s very worldly, very intelligent, very wealthy, very respected in society.
My new partner is all this..

I honestly don't see the relevance of this. Surely the point is, it doesn't matter if somebody is all those things. What you need in a partner is somebody who loves you, respects you and treats you with kindness.

Maybe if people stopped giving credence to those kinds of things being important, less people would end up being stuck with arse holes.

0rlaith · 27/09/2018 13:00

prettypossums

Thank you ! That makes sense of the pork as well.

If that’s true OP, all the more reason to be careful about who you taken legal advice from as it’s such a small country .

DorasBob · 27/09/2018 13:02

Prettypossums - I love the mumsnet hive mind!

MissSpoke · 27/09/2018 13:04

Oh dear OP. I was DW#3, but he's moved on (again) here. All the advice is that these characters don't change.

Even if you decide to stay, and I understand why you may feel that's your only option, at least understand who you may be dealing with and take steps to protect yourself and your DD. Do you recognize anything of your DH in these articles?

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/narcissism

woodpigeons · 27/09/2018 13:05

If you really want to leave him you will need to give him no suspicions and may have to wait a long time for the right opportunity.
I lived temporarily, on a work permit, in an ex European colony. Not the ME but a Christian country. I DH, DC are British and had been married for a long time. I couldn’t leave the country with the children without his permission.
A British man we knew, in the same situation to us, divorced his wife for a younger model and got custody of the children. She could do nothing.
I don’t know how many countries have these rules but you really need to get the correct information before you make any decisions and be very, very careful who you speak to or trust.
You say you can’t get to the British Embassy. Would it be possible for you to phone them, buying a cheap phone to do so ?

harshbuttrue1980 · 27/09/2018 13:07

It sounds horrible, and I'm not sure why anyone would even briefly consider staying with someone like that even if they are wealthy. However, when you've got out yourself, spare a thought for those even less fortunate than you... whatever your life is like, life for your house slaves "staff" is doubtless even worse. In the ME, men often kick down on the women and the women kick down on the servants, who often have no freedom to leave whatsoever. Most middle class people are quite happy to treat others in ways they would never accept themselves, but complain when their diamond shoes start to pinch.

gwenneh · 27/09/2018 13:10

But he isn’t a bad person.

Yes, he is. Good people do not act like this and they don't treat other people the way he treats you.

He respects women in a way, but he’d joke about them cruelly, he’d make sexist jokes etc..

These two things are mutually exclusive. Don't delude yourself.

ILoveHumanity · 27/09/2018 13:27

I Think some of the pp are exaggerating to call him a bastard... because you mentioned Saudi Arabia they think it’s slavery..

You are not happy probably because you feel lonely and like the teamwork aspect of coparenting which your current lifestyle isn’t providing.

You need to put a foot down and request to move countries or else... let him know that you are very unhappy