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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start TTC based on DH’s reaction

93 replies

Fifibinks · 26/09/2018 15:38

DH and I have always agreed that we would start trying for a baby soon after we got married and have both been excitedly talking about hypothetical future plans for our DC (if all goes to plan) for quite some time. Now married and we’ve been back to normality for a couple of months, so I brought up TTC the other day. DH sounded very quiet and tried to change the subject a few times.

He then agreed that we could TTC but pointed out that he would rather us wait a little while. He had never mentioned waiting before and I can’t see any real reason to do so (both at good ages - DH 34 and me in mid 20s) so when I asked why he had changed his mind he told me that he was scared by the thought of being a father and by agreeing to TTC it was all becoming very real. He’s worried about being able to financially support us, is concerned he’d be worrying about the baby all the time and isn’t sure he’d be a good father. All of these points aren’t particularly valid as we are both in a good financial position, home owners, good jobs etc. and he’s absolutely wonderful with children. I should point out that DH is very sensible but can be a worrier and bit of an over thinker at times.

Ultimately he has agreed to TTC and maintains that he definitely wants children but said if i were to fall pregnant his reaction would be scared and stressed. I guess I had always hoped that it would be one of excitement and not feeling as though I am having to coax him in to it.

AIBU to go ahead and start TTC based on his reaction?

OP posts:
araiwa · 26/09/2018 15:39

talk to him ffs
ask him ffs

AnoukSpirit · 26/09/2018 15:44

Hmm um, why are you asking us? Is this going to be a solo endeavour on your part?

I think you need to continue talking, surely?

Mustangsallyis · 26/09/2018 15:44

I would think you unreasonable to go ahead when he has expressed such reservations about trying at the moment

thecatsthecats · 26/09/2018 15:44

Do you mean 'lie about contraception'? Because I can't see how you'd achieve it if he isn't involved!

And no. No you shouldn't. Listen to your husband.

My fiance and I both flip back on forth on whether we're ready. So did my sister and her husband. It's entirely normal and you don't have to panic yet.

trojanpony · 26/09/2018 15:45

Unless you are willing to do EVERYTHING child related, I would talk to him again. He does not sound on board and you are setting yourself up for disaster

ThanksHunkyJesus · 26/09/2018 15:47

I think he needs more time to get his head around the idea. I felt like that for a long time before I agreed to try and I still wasn't 100-percent on board when we did but I knew that on some level I was ready. Dh had to wait about a year for me.

AlphaBravo · 26/09/2018 15:48

Is this not something you should've discussed properly and in depth prior to marriage?

How long have you been together?

peachgreen · 26/09/2018 15:53

Christ no. Having a baby is incredibly hard. Having a baby with an unwilling father is pretty much impossible. Don't do it.

You need to have a serious conversation with your husband about your future together. You have time to wait - mid-twenties is still pretty young to have a baby and personally I would want to enjoy married life for a few years first - but there's no point doing that if he's going to keep putting it off.

Original poster
Fifibinks · 26/09/2018 15:57

No I’m not at all suggesting lying about contraception. As explained in my post, DH has agreed, though I have reservations due to his uncertainty

OP posts:
MimiSunshine · 26/09/2018 16:00

Just talk to him, in his head TTC equals instant fatherhood.
It doesn’t work like that. Ask him if he’d like to have a baby at the earliest, say, July / August next year or if he rather wait until nearer Christmas or is he thinking 2020.

Once he remembers that if you fall pregnant straight away then you’ll still have a while to go he may feel better about it.

For what it’s worth, I wasn’t punching the air with delight when we decided to stop contraception for our first and I wasn’t thrilled when I got a BFP. I thought, oh shit.
I was happy but it was just all very overwhelming and I was a bit scared.

Gazelda · 26/09/2018 16:03

He's agreed, but told you clearly that he'd prefer to wait. You know he's not feeling ready.
Why would you ignore what he's telling you but carry on because it's what you want?

Talk to him some more. Explain that you're ready and had believed you'd be tyc soon after the wedding so you're now disappointed. But reassure him that you want for you both to be ready so suggest you put it off for another 6 months. See how he reacts to that.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/09/2018 16:06

Relate.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/09/2018 16:07

He’s worried about being able to financially support us, is concerned he’d be worrying about the baby all the time and isn’t sure he’d be a good father
YEAH - him and every other person on this planet.
Becoming a parent is truly terrifying.
For everyone.
His reasoning is totally normal.

But you need to talk more.
You need to understand exactly what his role as father would be if you do have a baby.
You need to agree on everything, including future finances!!!

Snowymountainsalways · 26/09/2018 16:12

I think he has really thought this through and is going into parenthood or the prospect of it with his eyes wide open as I understand it.

I was terrified becoming a mother
I was worried before hand
I had doubts about my ability
The responsibility is huge and then some.

You need to do much more talking before you decide to do anything. You are young and have plenty of time. Don't rush it. Talk through his fears one and by one and work on solutions.

Enjoy being without children for another year or two and see how he feels then. If you believe him to be totally against the idea of children then you have a much deeper problem, but he has said he would like dc just not now.

Original poster
Fifibinks · 26/09/2018 16:12

Sorry I didn’t make it clear in my post that In the end DH said that whether we TTC now or in the future, he’d still feel scared once we got to that time (of trying) as it’s such a massive thing... he was basically just putting it off. I don’t think these feelings aren’t going to go away for him, he’s a worrier by nature. It’s difficult as he’s adamant that he wants children and we have spoken about this at length throughout our 7 year relationship.

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 26/09/2018 16:16

Your fertility has more of a shelf life than his and you are still going, you've got plenty of time and he's told you he's scared and worried about providing. Do you have your own home? Savings? Good salaries? If not why not postpone a bit , it's possible to raise children without those things but why do it if you don't have to. You could have your first year living as newlyweds and then revisit TTC. He's been honest with you, don't force this, it won't end well

Haireverywhere · 26/09/2018 16:16

It's so common - Have you done a search on MN? Once it goes from a hypothetical scenario to a reality of TTC all sorts of fears and worries can come out. Are there any aspects of his childhood he's scared of repeating? I've read that can be a factor.

I'd keep talking about it. He's not ready.

MrsStrowman · 26/09/2018 16:18

Still young, not still going!!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/09/2018 16:19

Unless there is a some plans he wants to achieve to overcome what he said are the stumbling blocks, i.e. a bigger house, promotion, job change etc...could it actually be he is scared of his life having to change? Do many of his friends have kids?

underoverunder · 26/09/2018 16:19

How old are you OP?

Original poster
Fifibinks · 26/09/2018 16:20

As explained in my original post we own a home and both have what are considered to be very good salaries. We have more than enough in savings to cover my maternity leave, everything we need to buy for a baby and no debt. There’s so massive rush as you say but I’ve waited 7 years to be married and in a good financial position. I have PCOS too so that was always a consideration when we agreed to start TTC straight after the wedding.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 26/09/2018 16:21

I still don't get how you're going to go ahead with trying to conceive without his involvement?

Also, you got together aged 18ish, and he was late twenties? I don't think that accelerates the time to be honest. My fiance and I were 18, now 29, and we're closer, but still not ready. We went through wanting no children to some, to just one. When I was 25 and wanted none I had no fucking clue what child rearing meant (more than just being 'good with children'). I'm 29 and want 1 or 2 - might change when we have one!

The difference - we have talked and talked through every option! Talk to him! Maybe he DOES no longer want children - the answer isn't to TTC! It will be a shit conversation, but you still need to have it.

Original poster
Fifibinks · 26/09/2018 16:22

I’m 26 and yes all of his friends have children.

OP posts:
Billben · 26/09/2018 16:23

AIBU to go ahead and start TTC based on his reaction?

I can’t believe you’d even consider TTC after his reaction😡

starryeyed19 · 26/09/2018 16:23

YABU. He's definitely expressing that he's not ready yet.