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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start TTC based on DH’s reaction

93 replies

Fifibinks · 26/09/2018 15:38

DH and I have always agreed that we would start trying for a baby soon after we got married and have both been excitedly talking about hypothetical future plans for our DC (if all goes to plan) for quite some time. Now married and we’ve been back to normality for a couple of months, so I brought up TTC the other day. DH sounded very quiet and tried to change the subject a few times.

He then agreed that we could TTC but pointed out that he would rather us wait a little while. He had never mentioned waiting before and I can’t see any real reason to do so (both at good ages - DH 34 and me in mid 20s) so when I asked why he had changed his mind he told me that he was scared by the thought of being a father and by agreeing to TTC it was all becoming very real. He’s worried about being able to financially support us, is concerned he’d be worrying about the baby all the time and isn’t sure he’d be a good father. All of these points aren’t particularly valid as we are both in a good financial position, home owners, good jobs etc. and he’s absolutely wonderful with children. I should point out that DH is very sensible but can be a worrier and bit of an over thinker at times.

Ultimately he has agreed to TTC and maintains that he definitely wants children but said if i were to fall pregnant his reaction would be scared and stressed. I guess I had always hoped that it would be one of excitement and not feeling as though I am having to coax him in to it.

AIBU to go ahead and start TTC based on his reaction?

OP posts:
lolarose896 · 26/09/2018 16:23

I think that if we all waited for 'the right time' then we would never do anything!
For now I would not officially TTC as your husband clearly isn't ready but I wouldn't not try..Just keep going as normal and see if it happens naturally then if not approach the subject again in a couple of months

JellyBaby666 · 26/09/2018 16:24

I think narrowing down the time frame for him - so would you like us to have a baby by next Christmas? Or spring 2020? It's not always so tangible until you think about where you want to be at a specific time. I would also have a conversation about how hard it can be to get pregnant and that while some concieve on their first go, some take months, years or have ongoing struggles. Lots of luck OP xx

Original poster
Fifibinks · 26/09/2018 16:24

@thecats he’s told me repeatedly that he wants children. Our last (of many) conversations about it was yesterday

OP posts:
Lalliella · 26/09/2018 16:24

Lots of people not reading the OP - he’s agreed to TTC but his heart isn’t in it.

I would wait. You’re still young. Enjoy married life for a bit first. And talk to each other!

JessicaJonesJacket · 26/09/2018 16:25

I think you need to unpick it all a bit more. You've obviously talked about all this at length so there's two possibilities here. One is that your DH is getting cold feet now that it seems real. The other is that he isn't as keen on having children but was happy to pretend he was to stay in the relationship. You need to be clear which it is.
And I disagree with a PP that you have to be prepared to do everything. If your DH agrees to TTC then he has to pull his weight. Everyone feels scared of becoming a parent. It's only men that try to use that as a get-out-of-parenting card Hmm

BanananananaDaiquiri · 26/09/2018 16:28

All of these points aren’t particularly valid

Nevertheless, they're his fears and concerns so you need to listen to him and take him seriously rather than simply dismissing them. It's great that he's being honest with you and opening up.

If I were you I'd talk about these issues in a bit more depth and as constructively as you can. You could even agree with him, because TBH he's right: "yeah, it is a huge commitment isn't it, you're right to bring up some of the things we need to think about. Why don't we make an appointment with a financial adviser sometime over the next few weeks to make sure we've got everything under control?..." etc etc.

Original poster
Fifibinks · 26/09/2018 16:30

@Jessica - I think it’s cold feet and he admits this himself. He overthinks and worries a lot. To try and put things in to context .. He was offered a fantastic promotion to his dream job a couple of years ago and a significant pay rise. Rather than celebrate he worried about not being good enough or ready to take it on and almost declined it until I convinced him otherwise.

OP posts:
0hCrepe · 26/09/2018 16:32

Just ease off the pressure a bit, it’s a huge passion killer! At the moment you’re just going having sex without contraception, he’s not going to be a dad yet just leave it at that when you talk about it with him if it’s stressing him out.

Shambu · 26/09/2018 16:36

If you have PCOS you need to crack on. If he doesn't really want kids at all you need to know Asap.

Shambu · 26/09/2018 16:37

there's two possibilities here. One is that your DH is getting cold feet now that it seems real. The other is that he isn't as keen on having children but was happy to pretend he was to stay in the relationship. You need to be clear which it is

Exactly.

CaMePlaitPas · 26/09/2018 16:38

Why are you pressing the subject? He's married to you, so he is obviously serious about you but you should enjoy some time as a couple beforehand. Children will test your marriage like you can never imagine.

Nichelette · 26/09/2018 16:39

We're not in a dissimilar situation. I find making it reality absolutely terrifying, but I know (hope anyway) it's because I'm always the same with change, and this is about the biggest change you will ever have. I am very lucky to have a supportive DH. Maybe he needs a bit more time? Not necessarily a bad thing as it gives you time to save a bit more...

JudgeJudy79 · 26/09/2018 16:40

Wish more people would be like your OH.

Sorry it's not what you may want to hear but being prepared emotionally and especially financially for a child is something more people should really consider. Maybe listen to his concerns without being so dismissive so quickly.

Don't come cheap and can't return.

You have lots of time. Just enjoy your you time whilst you have it.

Shambu · 26/09/2018 16:41

Why are you pressing the subject?

Because she's got PCOS!

MrsStrowman · 26/09/2018 16:43

OP I have PCOS, had been told I'd need help, came off the pill after our wedding in January expecting plenty of time as newlyweds and possible fertility treatment, I feel pregnant five weeks later.

Ijumpedtheshark · 26/09/2018 16:47

I’d wait a year or so, enjoy being married and then have the conversation again. Once he’s more settled with life he may feel differently.

Rhiannon13 · 26/09/2018 16:47

...he would rather us wait a little while.

How would you feel if he pestered you for a child despite you saying this? I don't understand why you think it'd be ok to 'go ahead' anyway (presumably meaning lying to him about contraception).

Do dishonesty and selfishness ever work in a relationship?

Original poster
Fifibinks · 26/09/2018 16:50

Sorry but I’m not understanding the posts accusing me of contemplating lying about contraception. This isn’t the case at all as I’ve explained. DH as agreed to TTC, my post is about whether it would be fair to do so in view of his comments

OP posts:
Dodie66 · 26/09/2018 16:52

That sounds just like my hubby. He wasn’t really anxious before we have children but was a lovely father when they arrived
I think it is common and understandable
It’s a big commitment. Just keep reassuring him and keep talking

Original poster
Fifibinks · 26/09/2018 16:52

I appreciate the comments and thank you to those of you who took the time to read the full post and subsequent posts and as a result provided some helpful advice :)

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 26/09/2018 16:53

Does he have any male friends who are recent dads that he could go down the pub and have a chat to? That's what I'd get my man to do in that situation. He's lacking male solidarity and input on this matter and needs reassurance.

juneau · 26/09/2018 16:55

No - you're not being reasonable to just go ahead. TTC should always be a mutually agreed endeavour - not one that one half of a couple takes unilaterally. You don't need to rush and the potential for bad feeling or your DH feeling you've somehow tricked him or manipulated the situation is too great if you just go ahead. Keep talking. Get his agreement. You've got a helluva long time to argue about this if you don't. Plus, you risk ruining the trust in your relationship after only two months of marriage if you just dump your contraception without telling him. Forever with one person is a long time - don't start it off with deception.

Tinkobell · 26/09/2018 16:55

He needs to get the 'low down' on fatherhood from a sound and trustworthy bloke. He's got anxieties that need to be discussed possibly away from your ears Mrs.

Puggles123 · 26/09/2018 16:55

Now it’s become definitely real and not hypothetical, he is probably starting to work it through in his mind; give him a bit more time and he may be in a better place (months, not necessarily years). It sounds like he isn’t saying no, just being honest about how he feels- if the tables were turned, he was really keen and you aired some reasonable feelings; guessing you wouldn’t like to be pressured into it. He obviously loves and cares for you to be agreeing, but show some care back and let it sink in a bit. Maybe explain (if you haven’t already) what PCOS can mean and if there is any support you can offer to get the ball rolling with mutual enthusiasm.

Rudgie47 · 26/09/2018 16:57

I think he should have been much more honest before he married you regarding this. I think I'd give him a little bit longer to come round to the idea and be positive and enthusiastic about being a parent. If he was still having cold feet in a few months then I'd really think about finding someone who does want to have children.

You've not got forever, don't be wasting time with someone who looks like hes being stringing you along.