To start TTC based on DH’s reaction

[Fifibinks]

DH and I have always agreed that we would start trying for a baby soon after we got married and have both been excitedly talking about hypothetical future plans for our DC (if all goes to plan) for quite some time. Now married and we’ve been back to normality for a couple of months, so I brought up TTC the other day. DH sounded very quiet and tried to change the subject a few times.

He then agreed that we could TTC but pointed out that he would rather us wait a little while. He had never mentioned waiting before and I can’t see any real reason to do so (both at good ages - DH 34 and me in mid 20s) so when I asked why he had changed his mind he told me that he was scared by the thought of being a father and by agreeing to TTC it was all becoming very real. He’s worried about being able to financially support us, is concerned he’d be worrying about the baby all the time and isn’t sure he’d be a good father. All of these points aren’t particularly valid as we are both in a good financial position, home owners, good jobs etc. and he’s absolutely wonderful with children. I should point out that DH is very sensible but can be a worrier and bit of an over thinker at times.

Ultimately he has agreed to TTC and maintains that he definitely wants children but said if i were to fall pregnant his reaction would be scared and stressed. I guess I had always hoped that it would be one of excitement and not feeling as though I am having to coax him in to it.

AIBU to go ahead and start TTC based on his reaction?

OP if he's not ready yet, can you go to your doctor get referred for the ultrasound scans and just check how your ovaries are and if there's anything they want you to do to give yourself a better chance, eg lose weight, reduce sugar intake, increase exercise etc. I was already doing all of those things before TTC which the doctor thinks is why I fell quickly despite having had PCOS since I was 18, with very high testosterone levels. That way you feel like you're being proactive but you're still respecting his concerns and giving him more time to think about it. I've got to admit I thought we'd have longer before it was reality and it took me longer to get my head around being pregnant than DH!

Don't worry Fifibinks, it's sadly perfectly normal in AIBU for people not to read the op and just find random untrue things to attack you with, ignore them.

Basically, in your shoes I wouldn't be happy about waiting without a plan. It's one thing to wait if you are saving money or whatever, but just putting it off for no reason is pointless.

It is normal to get cold feet when it's actually time to do it. He's said he's willing, but is obviously worried, I would keep talking. And talking. But if he agrees it's just fear, then the pair of you may both have to face the fear and do it anyway.

I would say you probably should let any fantasies about how you wanted him to feel go. My husband spent our entire first pregnancy not excited because "something might go wrong". It wasn't how I'd imagined us excitedly spending that time, but life isn't a feelgood movie, and his reaction was his reaction. He is a great and enthusiastic father now, and I knew his apparent lack of enthusiasm came from a place of fear and trying to protect himself.

I think most people have the ‘oh shit’ moment and get scared. Mine was at my BFP. OH’s was when my waters broke early in the morning.

When did you get married? Maybe you could wait till after Christmas till you TTC, that will give you more time to discuss with him and try and work through his fears.
His fear, although small and irrelevant to you, are pretty big to him. Show him that you can survive on maternity pay by limiting your spending to what you will realistically have. You’ll then build up more of a savings pot this was which will enable you to either spend more on mat leave or buy everything for the baby without using savings

@MoaningSickness - thank you!

Also as Moaningsickness has said, I wouldn’t concentrate too much on your husbands initial reaction. My OH seemed really disinterested throughout the whole of my pregnancy. I think he only felt the baby kick once or twice. He is the most amazing dad though. They play and monkey about all the time

I think I'd wait until he brings it up again.

Having children was an amazing thing that I don't regret for one second but your life as you know it ends the moment you give birth..... it's a massive lifestyle change, and you've not been married long. I'd take a few holidays and enjoy being together for a bit. The more solid your foundations are, the better.

Just seen more comments about my lying and deception re taking contraception...Please read the full post. As explained this is not the case. I’m being made to sound like some sort of scheming psychopath 😳

I think people are struggling to understand how you are going to TTC if your husband doesn't want to? You haven't explained that.

I think I’m your shoes I’d be saying I was looking to come off hormonal contraception (if on it) at a specific time and he would be responsible for condoms if you were delaying further.

I get what people are saying about him not being ready and respecting that, but you are working to a deadline, albeit a future one given your age.

But as you know age is no absolute security. I’m sure you’re already aware given your PCOS, but conceiving isn’t always straight forward and can throw up many many issues. I was 28 when we started trying and 34 when we finally had dc. At the time I was considering whether I was prepared to go through IVF (leaning towards no given the drug long term side effects and my family history).

I just think if you’re ready then there’s no point in acting like you’re not. Cold feet are valid and not to be dismissed but not at the expense of wasting what might be precious time.

I don’t think you’re ready yet. He obviously has reservations and these won’t disappear just because you conceive. You need to help him overcome his concerns if you can, you have a lot more talking to do.

I know it is tempting to think it's just nerves and of course it could be.

But there's a possibility if you don't keep talking and dismiss the niggles you've got about this that have prompted you to post, you could find him feeling resentful of you for dismissing his fears and talking him into TTC just because you don't share them. I'm not saying that's what has happened but that could be how he would see it, a reluctant agreement sort of scenario.

@Cornettoninja - I’ve explained that DH has agreed to start TTC (right away) and as far as he knows further to our conversation I’m supposed to be stopping my pill this month. I’m the one who now has reservations about doing this due to the fact that DH has said he’s scared

Amazing how few people read the OP properly and are desperate to put the boot in.

You have a 7 year relationship behind you and you both want children. He has agreed to try for children despite being nervous. I don’t think delaying it will help, probably the reverse as he will get older and his fears will build.

I would just go for it and you have as much chance as anyone else of it allturning out well.

Sorry my previous post was actually in response to @badtime

@larrygrylls - thanks, it seems like some of these responses are to a totally different post!

I wouldn't OP just because I have friends who conceived with reluctant partners and some of them are rather reluctant fathers and it's not a life I'd want. Not saying that would be the case for you but I'd personally want my DH firmly onboard and excited before TTC, it's too much of a risk otherwise. I'd be having a conversation with him along those lines - if he really wants kids he needs to man up, for want of a better phrase, before you TTC.

Your op describes a scenario where your partner has grudgingly agreed to ttc, despite making it abundantly clear they were not comfortable having any of the repeated conversations you started, and despite already telling you their reaction if you fall pregnant will be fear and stress. You then said you wanted someone who'd be excited and hadn't required "coaxing".

Somehow, despite that, you came here and asked if you should go ahead anyway - using the first person singular of "I" not the plural "we" - making it sound like a decision you intended to make on your own and carry out on your own.

(So please step back from the umbrage about people "making things up" for concluding you must have meant you intended to take things into your own hands regardless of what your partner said or wanted. They're taking it from your wording.)

That may not be what you now say you were thinking, but it is the post you wrote. And the post I, and others, read.

I - clearly with several others - remain baffled that this would be your question, rather than to ask for any other form of advice or support, e.g. In continuing the conversation with your partner so you were both feeling ready rather than frightened about ttc, or in wanting to understand what he might be experiencing.

Just because people aren't posting things agreeing with you, or feeling sorry for you, doesn't mean we didn't bother to read your post.

So please step back from the umbrage about people "making things up" for concluding you must have meant you intended to take things into your own hands regardless of what your partner said or wanted. They're taking it from your wording.

It was perfectly clear what OP meant. Some posters are just a bit stupid.

I'm the same age as you and currently pregnant with our first baby, although we have been married 4 and a half years now. I have borderline PCOS. I don't even know if that's a thing but that's what was written in the letter I received from the gynaecologist I was referred to after not having a period for a year. I didn't tick enough boxes to be officially diagnosed but have very long cycles, very irregular periods and was told it was likely it could take us a while to conceive. I fell pregnant the first month we tried.

Obviously, we were exceptionally lucky and I'm not saying this flippantly or that everyone would be so quick to fall pregnant. My point is that you simply don't know when you will fall pregnant and if you start trying now you could find you're pregnant straight away and if your DH isn't totally on board with this then I'd really strongly advise that you don't jump into it immediately. We assumed it would take us months and to fall pregnant so quickly was a real shock for us both. We're very excited now but the initial response from both my DH and me was "Oh fuck, what have we done!" This was swiftly followed by huge excitement, but we were both totally committed to the idea when we started out trying and even then it did rock us a bit when we got that BFP.

Please talk to your DH more. A certain amount of trepidation is normal, it's a massive life event, but for him to be feeling so stressed about it is indicative that perhaps he's not ready. You want him to be fully behind you and just as excited as you when you find out you're pregnant, not to feel like you're on your own. It's frustrating, I appreciate, but I would hold off for a while and talk to him about it without pressure hanging over you both. Don't let him bury his head in the sand and ignore the issue, but do give him a chance to work out where his concerns stem from and how they might be remedied before you start trying.

OP,

I am just not convinced life is as simple and cut and dried as a lot are making out. Sometimes both parties are super enthusiastic and end up unable to cope with the realities of parenthood. Sometimes babies happen entirely by accident and both parents are naturals and adore parenthood.

Both of you want to be parents. Both of you are in a great position to become parents. Your husband is nervous but, from what you say, that is just his personality. Endless overanalytical discussions over hypothetical parenthood won’t really be of use (IMO).

I think your question is fine and, in your position, I would go for it and try to manage his reaction ex post facto.

I have been on MN a long time, and sometimes we see fathers that were not ready for dc descend into depression/check out/don't get involved, and it puts a real strain on the marriage and really erodes away at the happiness of everyone.

You are right to stall, and consider whether proceeding is a good idea.

Since your updates have illuminated no money worries, a seven year relationship I would too be worried. Perhaps consider a time frame now, and get to the bottom of what is worrying him the most. A very frank and honest discussion needs to happen. In the end you may have to decide whether he is the right person for you, and if you share the same vision of the future. Better to know now at 26 than 36. You are still young, that is on your side.

I would think twice about bringing a baby into the world with a man who is showing such reluctance and negativity.

i wouldnt agree with the comments saying he has reservations or isn’t ready. OP has clearly said he has said he wants a baby but is worried about becoming a father. i think that’s totally normal. we had been ttc for over a year and when i told hubby i was pregnant i didnt get the reaction i hoped as it was like it all suddenly became real for him. i am now 32 weeks and it has only just started to become exciting for my husband. it’s the same for me. as soon as i realised i’m actually going to be a mum i’ve had a lot of wobbles even though this baby is very much wanted and planned for! OP maybe have a few months not actually ‘TTC’ such as planning sex around peak times or laying with your legs up ;). just start having regular unprotected sex and see how it goes before going in full steam ahead.

He's not ready yet so you should wait.

@Anouk the contents of my post does not indicate that I was intending on being deceitful in any way. My post makes it clear that DH has agreed to start TTC. I appreciate your point about the title of my post, but by going in to read the post it is made clear exactly what I mean. I haven’t come here for sympathy (hence why I didn’t want to make the post focussed around my PCOS) and I don’t expect or want everyone to agree with me. I appreciate everyone’s views and it’s really helpful to get other people’s perspectives on things

If he isn't ready yet - wait. You are young - enjoy your time together now.