To start TTC based on DH’s reaction

[Fifibinks]

DH and I have always agreed that we would start trying for a baby soon after we got married and have both been excitedly talking about hypothetical future plans for our DC (if all goes to plan) for quite some time. Now married and we’ve been back to normality for a couple of months, so I brought up TTC the other day. DH sounded very quiet and tried to change the subject a few times.

He then agreed that we could TTC but pointed out that he would rather us wait a little while. He had never mentioned waiting before and I can’t see any real reason to do so (both at good ages - DH 34 and me in mid 20s) so when I asked why he had changed his mind he told me that he was scared by the thought of being a father and by agreeing to TTC it was all becoming very real. He’s worried about being able to financially support us, is concerned he’d be worrying about the baby all the time and isn’t sure he’d be a good father. All of these points aren’t particularly valid as we are both in a good financial position, home owners, good jobs etc. and he’s absolutely wonderful with children. I should point out that DH is very sensible but can be a worrier and bit of an over thinker at times.

Ultimately he has agreed to TTC and maintains that he definitely wants children but said if i were to fall pregnant his reaction would be scared and stressed. I guess I had always hoped that it would be one of excitement and not feeling as though I am having to coax him in to it.

AIBU to go ahead and start TTC based on his reaction?

Of course yabu. He is not ready. It could ruin your marriage. He could panic and leave you.

He also has the perfect excuse to bail out/not help/push you away by saying he didn't want to have children, and has been telling you for z amount of years. Look further down the line at the potential flash points, and the possibility you could end up doing this for all intents and purposes on your own (and resenting him in the process)

He has got off lightly on here, because he has definitely misled you on a very very important subject, which is very unfair of him as you have always been upfront about your wish for children. There is some deception in the way he has played along with the idea of you both having children for seven years but doesn't appear to want to go through with it. This would bother me alot.

I’d talk, talk, and talk some more. Maybe arm yourself with some stats on how long it takes on average to actually conceive, stats on conceiving with pcos, and add on 9 months of pregnancy so he’ll see he’s got at least a year.

I’d also look at your finances, shave it down to the bare minimum, factor in the cost of a baby per week (I worked to about £50 a week for newborn ff twins on my budget which is roughly what it cost me when they arrived!) and practice saving the difference so he can see you can survive on his wage and it’ll become normal to him, and less cause for anxiety.

Good luck ttc!

Not RTFT but me and my DH had the same conversation before we TTC with our first. He was worried he wouldn't be a good dad, because his father wasn't, I told him I know he would be a good dad as he was food with children and all though his concerns were valid it wasn't a reason not to as the concern will always be there. I also pointed out that there was no guarantee we would fall pregnant straight away and instead of it actually be full on TTC monitoring cycles etc, I would just come off my pill and we could have fun trying. He cried when our DD was born and is the best father, he was very hands on from the start and is better with them both than I am.
The other thing we did was agreed that I would finish the pills I had first, which was a months worth, to give him time to get his head around us trying.

YABU. You have plenty of time (even with PCOS), and he's just not ready. Give him a few years at least, that'll still give you a decade of fertility in which to ttc. And in the meantime, enjoy being young newly weds.

Good grief; the lack of reading comprehension on here is shocking.

I understand your reluctance fifibinks but you may just have to crack on and hope for the best.

You’ve both talked about it, you’ve been together years; you’ve sorted your finances; you’ve got a health condition that could make trying to conceive more difficult - it’s time to fish or cut bait.

Yes - keep talking. It’s a big thing and your lives will change. Pretty much for the better though (for all the stresses) :)

For what it’s worth - my DH (also an overthinker) was an absolute pain all the way through pregnancy. And then he was a changed man once the baby arrived. Chances are it will work out as you’ve both prepped well.

I would leave it a little while, maybe until after Christmas, and then have another conversation. It sounds like he wants to start a family but needs a little time to adjust to the reality of it. It is a big step, so I think it's perfectly natural to have reservations.

I wouldn’t leave it for more than a few months, and talk regularly during those. It seems very likely he’s just having a wobble, and if you wait longer and struggle to conceive with pcos your resentment may far outweigh his wobble as a relationship stress.
I suppose what I would be trying hard to do is not let his wobble build into full blown panic but you’ve provably had lots of practice on this!

Honestly, I think Larry is spot on.

And there was absolutely nothing in your OP - or any subsequent posts - to suggest you were going to deceive your husband around contraception.

Not a thing. I'm embarrassed for those trying to make out there was, just because this is AIBU, and they feel they have to be combatitive.

I entirely agree.

I think your DH is a lot more than a ‘worrier’. The many conversations you’ve had about having children were hypothetical in his eyes. Now he’s trying to move the goalposts to extend that period of hypothetical

I can see from your posts that you think he’s worrying over nothing and having a child isn’t as big a deal as he’s making it out to be. However, his anxieties are very real to him and you ignoring them won’t make them less real to him.

I think you are going to have a conversation where he commits to working on his issues because as you’ve now experienced, his anxiety isn’t confined to one issue. I personally would give him some time to work on his issues but at the end of the day he may never be ready and you can’t make him be ready but he can’t keep kicking the can down the road forever.

TTC’ing aside, his anxieties do need addressing.

I think if he's scared but said yes, and now you say to him that you are happy to move to condoms for a few months, he might feel that your are listening to him. Chances of getting pg with pcos and condoms is pretty unlikely but it's a step in the general direction, and as pp said you can do all you can to up your chances.

For every woman who says they were told pcos and then became pg first try, there are tons who took years, so I think your previous talks and plans are still pertinent, and you shouldn't just sit patiently waiting for him to see the light.

Get him to talk to his friends, keep talking and stay open and honest, and remind him that even once you're pg you have 8 months to get the theory learnt!

I didn't even think about the issues that might pop up until I had peed on a stick, and got a positive. I then felt I really really didn't want a baby. It was a bit late by then.
Turns out I've never wanted babies, but once they're about 2 I'm besotted! Everyone reacts differently and you both have to get the balance between acknowledging its a rational reaction, with the reality that long term you both want this.

Finally, in line with earlier pp, ask him how he feels visualising his 40s 50s 60s with no children, and just the two of you. If you found that you were unsuccessful with trying, would he be disappointed. I'm assuming you had those chats somewhere in 7 years but if not...

I haven't read the full thread.
But I was your husband in this situation.
DH said he wanted kids from day one (we were 17 though) I said no for a while.
I was thinking a lot about it as we got older but I didn't really say anything to him because I didn't want to get his hopes up. I have high anxiety and I am a worrier by nature. Every time I thought we should try I convinced myself we shouldn't because I wasn't maternal enough, we wasn't in the right property, we didn't have as much money as we wanted.
We decided to start trying, eventually, but then in the process we had to move from our 3 bedroom private rented property (landlord wouldnt fix anything and it was mouldy and raining indoors) and moved to a one bedroom council flat and said we'd stop trying . . . my period never came.
I was terrified, all my doubts came back double, I'm not good with other people's kids, now we're in a tiny flat, money.
I cried with stress even though we were actively trying!
As the pregnancy progressed I was worried something would happen to the baby, about the birth, if I'd see him and hate him.
I think anxious people just overthink things. These are sometimes valid doubts but the worry is definitely almost worse than the event itself.
DS is the best thing that's ever happened to me, I think I'm a pretty good mom and I love him more than anything. My family when admitted to secretly worrying about me as I'm so far from maternal but they all say I'm doing a good job.
You can't dismiss someone's fear and anxieties, but if us with high anxiety didn't do anything because we were worried, we'd literally never do anything.

I think being worried is totally normal. I’m pregnant with my second and am worried about change to routine, higher outgoings. career implications etc. Can you sit sown and make a financial plan? It might make him calmer to see everything in black and white. We had two spreadsheets- one with all of the likely costs of baby, mat leave, part time work and another with cash flow over course of a mat leave. Some may say that’s dull but we felt better having a clear budget and plan.

You’ve left it that he has agreed to ttc, I think I would now wait and see if he discusses with you about plans for coming off contraception etc and if he doesn’t give it a few months and chat again

Personally I think having PCOS is highly relevant. It’s not about feeling sorry for you. It’s about fertility and hard facts. My friend, who has PCOS adopted. I had separate issues and ended up having a few attempts at ivf before falling pregnant with dd.

It sounds like you are on the pill. I’d come off it. Then discuss an action plan. You are both equally responsible for contraception in the same way as you are equally responsible for any pregnancy. The faster you start ttc the larger window you have to get pregnant.

It sounds like you both need to stop passing the ball of fear back and forth. See it as an adventure. You both / just you? had idealistic fantasies about having a child by the sound of it and now you’re experiencing a bit of angst at the prospect of being proper adults responsible for another life. Your relationship sounds pretty solid. You’ll get through it.

He has agreed to ttc but then said he would rather wait. I think if you force the issue you may end up with a dh who resents you for pressuring him into something he's not ready for and that may affect his feelings towards a baby. I think you need to discuss waiting until after Christmas then revisit the discussion then. Nerves are normal when ttc but it seems he has more than normal nerves/worries. Ttc should be a joint decision not one person agreeing just to keep the other one happy, having a baby is a huge life changing decision and both people should commit to it not just agree to it.

Perhaps it is more about how you present the ttc part. It sounds like he wants this but is scared. Probably more of a sign he'll be a good father as he wants to get it right. Why don't you enjoy one Christmas as a married couple and then in January come off contraception. Don't go ott on ttc early on. Just carry on as normal, not on any kind of schedule etc as this will only raise his anxiety. He might find it easier to view it as 'we are seeing what happens' in the new year rather than ttc. Also, his age is a factor if you plan on more than one child before he's 40. Presumably if he's a worrier being an older dad could also be a factor