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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to spend Christmas at inlaws

78 replies

CatShatontheMat · 26/09/2018 08:32

A couple of months ago, DH informed me that MIL had asked him if we would be spending Christmas at theirs this year, and that he without consulting me said yes. The issue here is that they live in Ireland, a flight or long drive plus ferry ride away, and we will have to go for most of the Christmas period. We'd pretty much decided since DS was born nearly 3 years ago that Christmases would be spent at home, but family were welcome to come to us if they like (my family also live far away).

This is the first year that DS actually has much understanding of Christmas and I was really excited about starting our own traditions. Also, I'm pg so this is our last Christmas with just him and I wanted it to be special (although having a young baby does present a good excuse for not going away next Christmas).

I do get on with my ILs but they can be overbearing at times. They also, by my standards, don't really 'do' Christmas, as in they don't really have any traditions or rituals other than mass in the morning followed by lunch doesn't even involve everyone sitting at the table together - they just sort of casually pop in and get some when they feel like it. Present giving isn't even done together as a family, they just help themselves whenever they get up in the morning, regardless of whether anyone else is there.

Am I entitled to feel upset about this, or do I need a kick up the bum?

OP posts:

NastyCats · 26/09/2018 08:37

It is only September so plenty of time for a change of plan. Maybe your DH could go back to his parents, thank them for the invitation but say he shouldn't really have accepted without checking with you - the two of you have had a chat about it and the logistics will be a big headache with the pregnancy and a toddler and you prefer to stay in your own home, near your own medical facilities, etc. They are, of course, very welcome to visit and you hope you can all get together at some point over the festive period!

Suomynona · 26/09/2018 08:38

I'd be upset too. Have you explained to your DH that you feel this way? Who goes where and does what for Christmas can cause such friction. Sometimes you have to be selfish.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 26/09/2018 08:42

How pregnant will you be? Can always say doctors said wouldn't recommend to fly?

Why did your DH say yes without consulting you after agreeing you'd be at home?

Could you compromise and fly out for new year otherwise

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 26/09/2018 08:44

YANBU. Why on earth did he agree without asking you?!

hollyjollychristmas · 26/09/2018 08:46

You are not being unreasonable, I would take to your DH and say it's not feasible, IL's are welcome to come to yours for xmas or will see them another time. I would be upset if my OH had agreed to that without consulting me too.

Cheekylittlenumber · 26/09/2018 08:49

He didn’t consult you for a major thing- so it’s his job to get you out of it or come to some kind of compromise. Have you spoken to him and is he open to rearranging it with his parents?

The pregnancy is a v good reason for you to stay put. Do you have a set-up to invite the in-laws over to you? (Enough bedrooms etc) or will that cause you more stress?

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 26/09/2018 09:01

Lack of consultation is out of order

But perhaps you should maintain a more flexible outlook about how and where Christmas will be ongoing - traditions can be portable, after all, and a big one is usually to spend it with extended family. My way or high way will bite you on the arse eventually.

MarthasGinYard · 26/09/2018 09:02

Why weren't you asked?

How odd

Original poster

CatShatontheMat · 26/09/2018 09:04

Thanks for all the responses. Glad for the reassurance that I'm not just being selfish and ridiculous. Unfortunately I'm not pregnant enough to be unable to fly (I'll be c. 24 weeks at Christmas).

I am furious with DH. He's a total mummy's boy and incapable of saying no when it comes to her. I have told him how angry and upset I am that he didn't discuss it with me, but just says that's it's the last time we'll spend it there blah blah. Also, he emotionally blackmails me with the fact that we spent Christmas at my DB's last year, but that's because it was their last Christmas living locally-ish to us before moving over 600 miles away, and they also have a young child so it was nice for the cousins to spend time together.

Sadly our house is too small to be able to host them for any length of time, I really wouldn't mind having them otherwise.

OP posts:

Piffle11 · 26/09/2018 09:10

YANBU and I think you need to talk to DH about this. My first Christmas in our new house: I was over 7 months pregnant, and DH invited his family (fine, I agreed). MIL's DH (not my DH's DF) then says that his DD and her family were thinking of visiting: great, bring them too!! says my DH … thankfully the DD had the thought to acknowledge it may be too much for me - a not quite finished house, and 7 months pregnant.

thebangle · 26/09/2018 09:10

i would be upset too. he should have asked you first! i agree with above, can you not try to say the doc recommends not flying ? how preg will you be then?

livefornaps · 26/09/2018 09:11

I think you need to point out that if you're spending Christmas there then you are DOING Christmas .

The itinerary you described sounded hollow and without any thought or sentiment. Especially the "help yourself to presents" and drift in drift out lunch.

Just soulless and shit. I presume there aren't any kids there?

Tell ol' hubs that he's going to have to tell his family to brace themselves for SANTA EXTRAVAGANZA for your wee one - reindeer carrot and sherry out the night before, stockings, communal Santa present opening, carols, errrr, silly games and a sit-down lunch.

If he cannot guarantee you that, you do not go.

Were his childhood Christmases as miserable as the one you describe?

Good luck. Seriously that family Christmas sounds crap (have you spent Christmas there before???)

adaline · 26/09/2018 09:12

YANBU, he absolutely should have asked you first.

However, if this

Sadly our house is too small to be able to host them for any length of time, I really wouldn't mind having them otherwise.

is the case, does that mean he'll never be able to see his family at Christmas again? Because it going to Ireland means you have to be away for most of the festive period, doesn't the same apply if you want family to come and visit you? That they need to be away for a decent amount of time, and therefore, if they can't stay with you, they can't come?

I think you're not unreasonable to say you should have been asked, but you are unreasonable to say you'll never go away for Christmas again. Surely it's good that your son sees his grandparents on Christmas Day at times?

cakecakecheese · 26/09/2018 09:13

Not on. He should have consulted you and he shouldn't be emotionally blackmailing you. The feelings of his pregnant wife should have priority.

Piffle11 · 26/09/2018 09:14

Just read your update: this is the thing, isn't it? 'we were with your family last year' etc: I'm pretty lucky that on the whole DH and I are on the same page. As soon as DC came on the scene we were determined not to do the 'one year your DM, the next year mine'. I think if a family is going to the same parent every year then I could see how it would be a problem, but it doesn't sound as though that's what you're doing. We stay at home now, and if Grandparents want to visit, they can.

MaudebeGonne · 26/09/2018 09:16

He should have consulted you, but it sounds like it has been a few years since he spent Christmas with his parents. And although you may not consider their traditions festive, they are their traditions, and the traditions that mean Christmas to your husband. Maybe his parents would enjoy having their Grandchild get Santy at their house, and to spend a little time with him as a toddler and show him off at Mass.

So I don’t think you are unreasonable to be annoyed at the lack of discussion but I do think think are being unreasonable not to think that your husband would want one more Christmas with his parents. And I think you are being very unreasonable to declare their Christmas is a bit rubbish because it isn’t the same as yours.

GetOnYerBike · 26/09/2018 09:17

Just because you spent Christmas at your brother's does not mean you have to even the scales up by spending Christmas with his parents.

Stick to your plans to spend Christmas at home. No-one can force you onto a plane.

I would hate to be somewhere where Christmas has little meaning. My Catholic Mum would have been happy with a teeny pot plant Christmas tree and church on Christmas morning. My Dad went overboard, huge tacky 80's decorations, crackers, themed plates and glasses. He still does it now in his 70s! He made Christmas special

Create your own traditions now whilst your son is still little. My two boys are at secondary school and still hang up a stocking for Father Christmas with a great big wink as they do it. It's tradition and you don't monkey with tradition.

Kisskiss · 26/09/2018 09:18

I think yabu.
He should have asked you first ( so he is bu too) but you need to try and put yourselves in their shoes - sounds like they haven’t been able to spend Xmas with you and your dh and ds in three years.. probably just want to!
Given travelling from next year on will be much more difficult can you try and accommodate their request just once? It sounds like something your dh would like too, and not unreasonable given it’s not happened in a while.

If it helps , imagine when your ds grows up, gets married and moves to a different country. How would you feel if he then refused to come home nor invite you over for 3 xmas’s in a row

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 26/09/2018 09:19

He never should have agreed that without consulting you, and he should now find a way of weaselling out of it.

Also, speaking as an Irish person, his family sounds absolutely bizarre. I have never heard of anyone doing Christmas like that, and while I'm actually in favour of reuniting families at Christmas, I wouldn't bother in this case.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/09/2018 09:20

"I am furious with DH. He's a total mummy's boy and incapable of saying no when it comes to her. I have told him how angry and upset I am that he didn't discuss it with me, but just says that's it's the last time we'll spend it there blah blah"

This is why he said yes to his mother without you being consulted. He is also very much afraid of her and still wants her approval. His inertia when it comes to his parents is really hurting him as well as you here.

I would not stay with them, Christmas time at that house sounds bloody miserable frankly so why put yourself through that?. You would not have tolerated this from a friend either so why his parents. I also think his parents sound bloody awful as well; nice people do not behave or act overbearingly towards others. They rely on you not to say anything for fear of rocking the boat.

butlerswharf · 26/09/2018 09:22

It's not too late for him to say the plan has changed and you'll stay at home.

2isabella2 · 26/09/2018 09:23

I don't think YABU. My in laws and family both have fab christmases but we have loads of nieces and nephews (mine are the youngest but oldest is only 9) so it's totally overwhelming and presents end up taking most of the day. We decided we will always be home for Christmas morning now for the foreseeable future. Everyone is welcome if they want to come.

We are very close to both sides of the family and we see them all lots but we want to make Christmas the best we can for our children and that means staying at home for at least the morning!

TheWernethWife · 26/09/2018 09:25

My sympathies are with you OP but I have a concern for all women married or living with a mothers boy. Surely this would have been crystal clear during the relationship and before marriage or moving in together. AND, how could anyone find a mummy's boy sexuality attractive yuck.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 26/09/2018 09:26

So, family are welcome to visit you for Christmas but you have no space to put them up....hmmmm

You could suggest that this year you visit in early December for a long weekend and make that your Christmas with them.

Or simply you just take the Christmas with you.

EdisonLightBulb · 26/09/2018 09:29

I'd go, make the most of having others around the share the load and and putting your feet up, and then make it clear to your DH that you wont be doing it again for some time.

I actually think it's lovely that your children get to experience two different kinds of Christmas and have relatives from two countries.

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