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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend Christmas at inlaws

78 replies

CatShatontheMat · 26/09/2018 08:32

A couple of months ago, DH informed me that MIL had asked him if we would be spending Christmas at theirs this year, and that he without consulting me said yes. The issue here is that they live in Ireland, a flight or long drive plus ferry ride away, and we will have to go for most of the Christmas period. We'd pretty much decided since DS was born nearly 3 years ago that Christmases would be spent at home, but family were welcome to come to us if they like (my family also live far away).

This is the first year that DS actually has much understanding of Christmas and I was really excited about starting our own traditions. Also, I'm pg so this is our last Christmas with just him and I wanted it to be special (although having a young baby does present a good excuse for not going away next Christmas).

I do get on with my ILs but they can be overbearing at times. They also, by my standards, don't really 'do' Christmas, as in they don't really have any traditions or rituals other than mass in the morning followed by lunch doesn't even involve everyone sitting at the table together - they just sort of casually pop in and get some when they feel like it. Present giving isn't even done together as a family, they just help themselves whenever they get up in the morning, regardless of whether anyone else is there.

Am I entitled to feel upset about this, or do I need a kick up the bum?

OP posts:
Bear2014 · 26/09/2018 10:12

YANBU and I totally get you. BUT, we were in pretty much the exact situation a couple of years ago (DD is now nearly 5, DS just over 1). We ended up going to inlaws, by my suggestion though. Reason being that after DS was born and when DD was nearly 4 I wanted to start our own traditions and stay at home and it was basically to give them one last Christmas with DD at theirs, and us making a fuss of them as we essentially aren't doing it again. This year it's just the 4 of us and we're going to the pub for lunch. Bliss!

It definitely needs to be a joint decision though, and don't feel bullied into doing something you're not happy with.

yorkshireyummymummy · 26/09/2018 10:13

No way would I be travelling with a toddler whilst pregnant to family who don’t even celebrate it in the conventional sense.
It’s your sons first ‘ real ‘Christmas and I think you want to be in your own home and not having to drag all of his presents to
Ireland with you. How on earth can you possibly do that if you fly? You can’t, you could only take a few. With all due respect to your DH family and their ‘traditions’ it doesn’t really sound like there are any which will mean quite a lacklustre time for you and your son.
It was quite wrong of your DH to agree on behalf of you all without consulting with you. COuld his family not come to you for Christmas staying at a small reasonably priced local hotel /b&b?
We went - once - to PIL for Xmas. Never again. It was a non stop round of packing, ensuring i had everything to make a lovely Christmas for a 4 year old in a house with no Christmas cheer at all ( we even had to buy a roof box for the 700 mile round trip.) , trying to please everybody and feeling quite miserable. We have invited them every year but they decline preferring to stay where their golden child is.
You can never win really- maybe you should bite the bullet and go on the understanding that, while your children are small, you will be having the next dozen or so Christmas times at home.

It’s a tricky one OP as you will never suit all of the people all of the time - so do what your heart tells you to do.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/09/2018 10:14

Hmm. Given they have spent previous Christmas's with you I don't think YABU to say no this time tbh. I'm not sure how well this will go down with DH though. He must be able to see your side of things surely?

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 26/09/2018 10:18

They haven't though, @GreatDuck, they have gone near to Xmas not for Xmas day as like the OP, the MIL wants to spend it in her own home.

As I said upthread, I'd offer the same - visit them beforehand, or in the lull days between, or for NY.

BiddyPop · 26/09/2018 10:18

Can you afford a holiday cottage to rent (preferably) or a hotel local to ILs? Then you are not totally stuck with them no matter the weather, and can also make your own family fun at times. Do your own thing for stocking and Santa. Have the odd quiet time to read or have a quiet coffee/glass of wine without having people expecting your attention or plain ignoring you.

And if that can't happen, and DH is still insistent, then yes to a previous posters' notion that you will be DOING Christmas in ILs house - as you have a small DC and need to make sure it's fun for them, and for you as well.

And I really would make it clear that from here on out, you will be staying at home as that is where DCs will be able to enjoy their day best.

If you think there is any chance of weakness though, I would tell DH that you will stay at home this year as well.

In fact, can you call up DMIL and let her know that DH hadn't talked to you before agreeing it and that you had already agreed to stay home, and with you being PG, you just need that time to take it easy and also let DS enjoy it too?

easyandy101 · 26/09/2018 10:18

Their Christmas sounds like ours, family all enjoying each others company, unforced enjoyment of a family time.

and it's strange that the idea of spending Christmas with family is viewed as being more miserable than sitting in as a 3 surrounded by all the trappings and inventing your own traditions

That to me, sounds bleak af

Interesting how different people can be Smile

BiddyPop · 26/09/2018 10:23

Actually, having seen that you see DH's family more than your own and he won't travel to Scotland on the same island, but expects you to travel overseas when PG, stay at home.

Miladymilord · 26/09/2018 10:23

I think you should go sometimes otherwise your dcs won't see their grandparents at xmas

honestly just have a nice christmassy time at home on the other days

Miladymilord · 26/09/2018 10:24

d it's strange that the idea of spending Christmas with family is viewed as being more miserable than sitting in as a 3 surrounded by all the trappings and inventing your own traditions

LOL I thought this too

Celebelly · 26/09/2018 10:26

I would be a bit annoyed at not being asked, but I do think there needs to be compromise sometimes.

When my mum remarried, our Christmases changed as my step-siblings have different traditions (and there are four of them and my stepdad v just me and my mum!). It's been different, but we've managed to keep some of our own traditions with the two of us and also embrace new ones. For example, you could have a private gift-giving with your husband and your son before going downstairs in the morning. And I've actually grown to like these Christmases too. Sometimes, it's just what you make of it and you just have to look at ways to make the best of it, such as having an early or late Christmas with your own family, bringing some of your own traditions along with you, or just sucking it up for one year.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/09/2018 10:27

Sorry WindDoes I read it wrong. In that case I don't think it's unreasonable of PILs to want their DS and family to come to theirs for once. The Op could still make it a traditional Christmas for her DC by taking his presents/stockings etc.

I do think the DH shoukd have spoke with his wife first though before committing.

Celebelly · 26/09/2018 10:30

I also don't think it sounds miserable, necessarily. It's not what I would choose to do but that doesn't make it miserable or terrible. My gran used to always have a buffet-style Christmas lunch as it was easier to cater for a big group, so people could just help themselves. It wasn't miserable at all.

And the presents thing, that's just personal preference. My mum and I come from a family where one person opens a present at a time, and in big groups it would sometimes take four or five hours to get through them all. My step-family, however, all open presents at once. That's just their tradition - it's not any better or worse than ours, it's just different. My mum and I open ours slightly differently - and now some of our traditions are rubbing off as now bigger presents are left to be opened one at time!

Knittedfairies · 26/09/2018 10:33

If your husband’s family don’t ‘do’ Christmas, there’s no real reason for you to be there on 25th December. Go for a weekend before, and then enjoy your Christmas at home.

FairyFace · 26/09/2018 10:50

Id be upset about this too, I am 2 hours away from my family, DH is local but he never really has his family for xmas as they prefer to spend it with his other siblings, doesn't bother us, but he has always said after spending earlier years at my familys home for xmas that he prefers now that our kids are 6 and 10 to have our own Christmas at home and whilst I miss my family, they are more than welcome to come to us, I have to repsect his wishes as to be honest I wouldn't go to his families home for xmas if you paid me, so I think offering them to come over is very fair. Your pregnant and towing a small child, I wouldn't budge!

Bluelady · 26/09/2018 10:51

Firstly, it's completely understandable that your husband's made arrangements without prior discussion, of course you're cross.

But this will probably be the last Christmas you'll spend with them for years, if ever. It doesn't seem unreasonable that he wants to do one last time. Traditions don't matter to a small child as long as they're warm, well fed and loved, there's plenty of time to develop those when they're old enough to appreciate them.

As for Ireland being overseas ... it's a flight of less than an hour and far easier than driving a 700 mile round trip.

Bluelady · 26/09/2018 10:52

I didn't mean understandable, dammit!! I meant it's wrong that he didn't discuss it with you!

Miladymilord · 26/09/2018 11:02

My dcs are teens now and its only now that they demand the same Christmas ever year. Before now they didn't really mind where we went or what we did. Now there HAS to be a jigsaw and we have to have the same food every year on Xmas eve, Xmas Day and boxing day (ham, beef, turkey Hmm )

Categoric · 26/09/2018 11:03

Just say no. Tell your DH that you realise that he has given in to your MIL for a quiet life as he thinks that she will make his life more difficult than you over this. Explain that you see this Xmas as setting a precedent for him to give in to MIL whenever she kicks up a fuss and you absolutely will not let him set such a precedent for your family life. Stop cooking for him or doing his washing etc. I would be really childish about this and not communicate about anything, make selfish choices and generally make his life unpleasant until he realised that he cannot take decisions without you...

ThursdayLastWeek · 26/09/2018 11:13

OP I find your Hmm face at the idea that MIL likes to spend Xmas day at home amusingly hypocritical!

BiddyPop · 26/09/2018 11:14

In our case, we often have it "just us 3 with the trappings" rather than dealing with the ILs and my DPs, and the expectations, and the in-spoken passive-aggressive communications, and the flat out demands on our time.

Just us 3 (our DD is older - but we started having some "just us 2 Christmases" a few years before she was born) means we have our house, which is cosy and decorated, with nice food, that we eat together at the table and enjoy each others' company. We still go out to mass, we do some fun things with friends and neighbours locally before and after Christmas, and we actually get to slow down a little (DH and I both have very very busy periods at work coming up to Christmas, we both have to travel, DD is pretty busy too, and we always need some quiet time to just have long walks or read some books or watch a movie or 2 in peace and quiet).

"Just us 3" really doesn't need to mean sullen or less fun - it can actually be really relaxing and enjoyable. Whereas a larger family all together, but no one really engaging with one another, actually is no fun at all and feels very cold (been there, done that, tried to leave the t-shirt behind....)

Bluelady · 26/09/2018 11:38

"Just say no. Tell DH ..." Do people really treat their husbands like this? Small wonder the divorce rate's so high if this is how people go on.

Original poster
CatShatontheMat · 26/09/2018 11:47

@Thursday, the Hmm face was at the irony of MIL wanting to stay home at Xmas but not appreciating that I feel the same (perhaps not the most appropriate choice of emoji but best way I could think to express it at the time).

For those asking, we have spent several Christmases at IL's before I became pregnant with DS. More than we have spent with my family...

OP posts:
budgiegirl · 26/09/2018 12:13

We'd pretty much decided since DS was born nearly 3 years ago that Christmases would be spent at home, but family were welcome to come to us if they like (my family also live far away)

Except last year when you spent Christmas with your DB. So you haven’t really decided to spend Christmasses at home after all.

I think your DH was very unreasonable to agree to this without talking to you first. However, I can see his point that you were prepared to give up Christmas at home for your family, but not for his.

It’s tricky, but families are always about compromise. Could you rent a cottage or something near his parents, so you can do Santa with just the three of you? Then go to his parents later in the day?

We have did the same as you when the kids were very small, all Christmases were at home with family welcome to visit. The difference is though, we didn’t waiver from that as you have done with your brother.

Original poster
CatShatontheMat · 26/09/2018 12:16

Thanks @budgiegirl. Last year was a once off concession though (one that DH was happy to make as DB and he are close friends) because they were moving away shortly after.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 26/09/2018 12:39

Surely once you have your own dc the Christmas baton gets handed down to the next generation who then offer to host so little kids don't get dragged around the country. Baffles me when families pack up and trek off to recreate their own childhood Christmases.