To not want to spend Christmas at inlaws

[CatShatontheMat]

A couple of months ago, DH informed me that MIL had asked him if we would be spending Christmas at theirs this year, and that he without consulting me said yes. The issue here is that they live in Ireland, a flight or long drive plus ferry ride away, and we will have to go for most of the Christmas period. We'd pretty much decided since DS was born nearly 3 years ago that Christmases would be spent at home, but family were welcome to come to us if they like (my family also live far away).

This is the first year that DS actually has much understanding of Christmas and I was really excited about starting our own traditions. Also, I'm pg so this is our last Christmas with just him and I wanted it to be special (although having a young baby does present a good excuse for not going away next Christmas).

I do get on with my ILs but they can be overbearing at times. They also, by my standards, don't really 'do' Christmas, as in they don't really have any traditions or rituals other than mass in the morning followed by lunch doesn't even involve everyone sitting at the table together - they just sort of casually pop in and get some when they feel like it. Present giving isn't even done together as a family, they just help themselves whenever they get up in the morning, regardless of whether anyone else is there.

Am I entitled to feel upset about this, or do I need a kick up the bum?

I don't get all this Christmas malarky. We used to spend 2 weeks in the car visiting everyone and feeling pretty grumpy at the end of it. Do what you want - life is short. Honestly it is 1 day - spend it where you want to. It was travelling with small children that made us stop really. They want to be at home with their presents chilling out. Also Father Christmas struggled to deliver all the presents!! Stop trying to please everyone - honestly whatever you do will never be enough. Do what you want - make life easier :)

That sounds like an horrific Christmas! Christmas Day is cooking together, drinking Sherry, eating chocolate, watching Christmas specials, arguing over board games, giving presents, leaving out mince pies etc.

Stick to your guns!

He didn't ask you because he knew you might say no and he didn't want you to be able to.

If your DH is so wet he can't say no to his mum then it may be down to you to say it. Personally I would prefer to have to be the breaker of bad news than simply follow through with an arrangement I didn't want and others were unable to retract. Obviously your DH should step up and tell his parents he agreed too hastily and without discussing it with you first, and now there's been time to consider you would prefer to have your Christmas at home this time.

Is there a Premier Inn or something similar nearby that they could use, were they to come visit you for Christmas? It's often awkward when relatives live a considerable distance away.

You have my sympathies OP, we are stuck having a Christmas we don't really want every year because if we didn't MIL would be alone over Christmas Day. I think she'd survive it personally but admittedly I would feel guilty about it. She doesn't seem to attempt to have anyone round with her or go out except to us, so we're stuck with it. And we don't want to go to her house for dinner (she keeps inviting us for this, last year it was brought up as we were finishing off the Christmas dessert ) and she overcooks everything and doesn't have any internet

You may have to compromise on other years, surely you can have this Christmas how you want it, seeing as you'll be pregnant this time?

OP, be selfish. I have been in your position (although within the country but still huge logistics) and I always gave in. Then I decided to be selfish and we had our best Christmases ever home alone. My DC have now decided we will never go anywhere for Christmas ever again.

When you have your own children (or none if you decided and are an adult) where you spend Christmas should be up to you and DH not MIL.

Just as an added incentive, if you let this go it will never change. My cousin and his wife live in London. They have 3 DC. She came to Ireland to his mother every Christmas for 30 years!!!! When her DD was 21 she told us that her biggest childhood regret was that she never spent Christmas in her own home, with her own friends and family. Now that girl is married and my cousin and his wife spend Christmas in London in order to see their DGC - poor woman has spent her life doing Christmas for someone else.
Also, my family are big on Christmas rituals and I hate spending it with people (in Laws) who do it differently.

So be strong and determined and say no. And enjoy a fab Christmas together with your little family.

However, - they are his family and realistically you must expect to have to do Christmas with them sometimes, even if you don't like the way they celebrate it.

You could suggest that this year you visit in early December for a long weekend and make that your Christmas with them.

I think this is probably the most reasonable suggestion. I would be furious if DH made plans like that without consulting me first (and similarly wouldn't make those sort of plans without talking to DH).

I don't understand why you just don't tell your dh you are not going as you had already agreed to spend the day at home. What's the problem here OP?

With a 3yo not doing Christmas would not be an option. If in laws won’t provide a fully decorated tree and understand it will be carols and food for the reindeer with presents Christmas morning and a Christmas breakfast then I wouldn’t go. You can do everything there except the tree. I think Christmas lunch can be compromised on but the rest so necessary.

YANBU

I love Christmas and in the past, have spent too many Christmas days with the parents of exes who DO NOT KNOW how to 'do' Christmas properly. It's soul destroying !

I spent last Christmas with my in laws for the first time. However, they celebrate it like me, with lots of festive cheer, a huge lunch and a big real tree, with lots of presents. This year is at ours, the in laws are coming, and I'm already googling 'when is it not too early to put the Xmas tree up'

Your in law's Christmas sounds pretty shit. I would not be going, and I don't even have kids

Would it be possible to make the visit to your in-laws some time before Christmas (taking presents with you) and then have Christmas at home with just your own immediate family? That way, you get to see DH's family in the run up to Christmas but reserve the day itself for what you want to do. As Christmas Day is so low key at their house, I don't really see the difference between being there on "the day" and a few weeks earlier. I definitely don't think you should be railroaded into spending Christmas in a way you don't want, having had no consultation about it, and I would insist on changing the arrangements while there are still three months to go.

I don't think he should have said yes without asking you first but I understand why he wants to spend Christmas with his parents especially if you spent it with your family last year.

What's happened in years previously?

You're not a bit unreasonable no way i'd be traipsing with a 3 year old pregnant to another country for christmas. Our kid is 2 this year and we've decided to have christmas at home from now on. Family have been invited but if they don't want to come tough.

We’re in a similar situation. We’ve compromised by travelling on boxing day to stay with the inlaws for a few days after christmas day.

YANBU.

Tell him you didn't realise he was spending Christmas apart from you and DS this year and when he looks confused say HE has agreed to go to his mums but YOU are DS aren't so clearly he's decided to spend it away from you.

I wouldn't go away for Christmas. It would do my head in and I can't relax in other people's house. I love seeing my family and it being busy etc but there is always a relief when everyone goes or we leave and it's back to peace, and lounging on the sofa watching TV and DCs playing with their presents.

Have you considered that your DH may actually want to spend Christmas with his parents, rather than him just being "too wet"/"a mummy's boy" to say no to his DM?

I actually think that if there is no option for your ILs to come to you over Christmas YABU to never go there. As previous posters said, bring your traditions with you!

Here, OP, it's a pity your pregnancy sickness has continued beyond the first trimester, isn't it?

Evil grin

Why don't you fly over there for a long weekend for new year?

I like the sound of their no fuss or faffing Xmas tbh!

How pregnant will you be?

I'd book a long weekend in December to go and see them.

I've got two January babies and thought I was having a quiet Christmas both times. First time we went to my parents, I spent Christmas day running around after hyped up toddler in child unfriendly house, then the evening and night and the whole of Boxing day chucking my guts up because who needs to wash their hands after going to the toilet and cooking a (half-cooked) meal for their pregnant guest anyway. Second time PIL came to us and I spent the day running around after them and two toddlers.

Another vote to suggest a long weekend with them before Christmas and exchange presents then. That way it makes the festivities longer as well

You have my sympathies though OP. We always spend Christmas Day at my soon to be MILs house as she doesn’t have any other family other than DBIL but she doesn’t have the same traditions as my family and while we do eat at the table together, everyone just gets up and leaves when they’ve finished. Last year I was sat finishing my Christmas dinner by myself at the table!

Travelling at christmas with young kids is a right pain. We stopped going away for christmas once we had our second child. I want to be at home, and you have to gather enough crap to travel with the kids without adding a pile of presents too! We travel to visit on boxing day/ the day after boxing day.

I think we did travel to the in laws when our eldest was 2, before our second one arrived. Never again. I was so stressed not being able to have the christmas i wanted for us, it was 'someone elses' christmas.

That was the last time and luckily my DH agreed. I do feel for you as it's very hard when he wants to see his family and you don't have space to put them up.

Thanks again for the responses. To clarify, ILs have come over the Christmas period for the past three years, just not for Christmas day itself. Once was just before ds was born so they stayed in what is now his room, the following year he was still in with us so they had his room, then last year they stayed in a hotel (out of choice). They were also invited to come for the day but MIL 'pefers to stay at home'

This year would be too much of a squeeze but we are planning to move house soon so will hopefully have room for them in future.

Also, to those who think I'm depriving my DH of seeing his family at Christmas, we've seen his family a lot more over the festive period than we have mine. My parents live in remote Scotland and DH hates the drive (although there also complicated family dynamics which play a part in not seeing them so much)

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

While I don't think their Christmas sounds bad per se, the point here is that your DH decided unilaterally.

I'd just refuse point-blank.

They were also invited to come for the day but MIL 'prefers to stay at home' hmm

I mean this kindly, but you and your MIL sound similar in that respect.

I'd also tbh slightly wonder - given what you say about it not being very christmassy - whether they wanted you to say no to the invitation but your DH in the hope of a quiet life . OTOH if they haven't actually spent Xmas day with you for several years perhaps it is your turn to do the travelling as the next 2 or 3 years will be harder.

Suggest a bit more talking tbh.