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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find my mum really difficult sometimes?

85 replies

Homemadehomes · 25/09/2018 21:33

I’m single and living a capital city at 25 - I have good friends but my job can be quite tough, househaring etc can grind you down, I’m a few hours away from family etc. I’m used to it and have lived abroad so it’s not a big deal, but it can be lonely and tough.

Most of my friends ring their mums when they need an emotional lift but I always feel rubbish when I ring mine! She’s lovely and we’re close but she’ll witter on about the next door neighbours grandchild and how well he’s doing (I’ve never met him...), tell me all about her and my retired dad’s plan for the week and then let me go off the phone... today i sarcastically said, well now I’ve heard your stories I should probably let you go! She got the hint and asked me about my day and I launched into a moan about work. It would have been great if she could provide a listening ear or advice or anything - instead she let me bang on for ages and then said (obviously not knowing how to respond) ok, well I can see you’re very tired so I should let you go - go and sleep. You’re very tired...

To clarify, this is how she expresses sympathy and she’s q very caring individual. I just feel like shit and so lonely after. Who else can you moan to about boring daily minutiae other than your dp and your mum? I have great friends but they don’t neee to hear this day in day out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Homemadehomes · 25/09/2018 21:34

Any solutions for how I can deal with this? I’m at a loss and just feel shitter than ever

OP posts:
Lucy001 · 25/09/2018 21:39

Your friends don't need to hear it, but your mum does? Why?

If your days are always this bad then you need to have a long look at your life. NOBODY needs to hear whinging day in and day out. You sound like an over entitled narcissist.

alittlequinnie · 25/09/2018 21:39

I've got no solutions but just wanted to know that I truely understand.

My mum is exactly the same - tells me about neighbours that I have never met but doesn't even know what I do for a living.

She also really enjoys moaning about my Dad to me!

I stopped the phone calls in the end because they just felt really stressful - unfortunately she lives miles and miles away from me so the phone is all we've got so now we have really drifted.

Perhaps now you have tackled it once she will think about it a little bit and be a bit more understanding?

I also think that people who are older can forget what it is like working and being young and the pressures - but perhaps this is just my own retired mum and dad?!

Original poster
Homemadehomes · 25/09/2018 21:40

Lucy - you ok hun? I don’t moan daily! This is the first time in ages.

OP posts:
Thatstheendofmytether · 25/09/2018 21:43

Well it sounds like the OP has to listen to her mum whinging quite a bit so where is it reciprocated? Sometimes we just need our mum's to have a good moan to.

ChasedByBees · 25/09/2018 21:44

Wow, that was harsh Lucy!

It does sound like things aren’t fun for you right now OP, you describe your life as lonely and tough. Are there things you could change to improve your situation?

Twotailed · 25/09/2018 21:45

You sound like an over entitled narcissist.

Fucking hell lucy, bit much

OP I hear you - you’re listening to your mum’s chat and she isn’t making space for you in return. I don’t really have a solution but just wanted to say I understand, and it isn’t easy Flowers

Disquieted1 · 25/09/2018 21:45

You're an adult and none of your issues seem more than trivial. I don't see why you need to lean on your mother like this - I imagine she feels ground down by it.

FaFoutis · 25/09/2018 21:50

You lower your expectations to zero, and you stop telling her your problems. It's all you can do.
I sympathise, my mother responds to my problems (sometimes serious, not just moaning) with complete silence. I could tell you in depth about her garden centre visits and golf games.
Anyone being shitty to you on this thread does not understand how this feels.

Lucy001 · 25/09/2018 21:53

Good grief, it was the OP who said that her friends don't need to hear it day in and day out!!! Well why does she think anyone else does? She's 25. The job can be tough. Can't they always? She finds sharing with house mates hard. That's life. Goodness, how's she going to cope if she had a real problem? And who cares if she lives in a capital city! ? Is she being unreasonable? Yes she is. Mum had done a couple of decades of being there for her, and she is criticising mum for not really understanding her life. Big deal. My job is tough and my house mates need attention isn't exactly world poverty or a major crisis. Maybe mum could sit and whine about how her daughter only wants sympathy about her tough life at the ripe old age of 25.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 25/09/2018 21:53

Oh ffs Lucy she doesn't sound like an overentitled narcissist. Although better than being told she sounds like a cunt Hmm.

Op if you really feel that bad on a day to day basis then you probably need to make some changes in your life. If not and that was just an example then it might help to hear you're not alone because my mother does this too!

She's great in lots of ways and I do love her but the older she gets the more self absorbed she is plus her life has become "smaller" so she goes on and on about inconsequential rubbish and yes, it's pretty much one way traffic. It's frustrating but Ive decided she's really not my go to person when I need to unload.

Sparklesocks · 25/09/2018 22:09

OP some people aren’t very good with picking the right words or don’t know what to say, I think it’s nice she listened - maybe she can’t articulate a response but she was there at least.
And ignore Lucy, a huge overreaction.

HardofCleaning · 25/09/2018 22:09

If your days are always this bad then you need to have a long look at your life. NOBODY needs to hear whinging day in and day out. You sound like an over entitled narcissist.

Bloody hell that was quick even for AIBU! Everyone needs someone to offload to it doesn't make you a narcissist. As a mum I hope all of my DC will be able to come to me or their dad to moan about boring details of their day for as long as they like.

HardofCleaning · 25/09/2018 22:12

Lucy001

Who pissed in your cornflakes? Even without having anything terrible going on in your life it's nice to have some emotional support. That's just basic human empathy. OP doesn't want to burden her friends and her mum is a caring person who probably wants to help and OP wants to know how they can make that happen. Evidently OP is more than happy to be a sounding board to her mum in return.

Original poster
Homemadehomes · 25/09/2018 22:13

Fair points all round.

In fairness, no my problems aren’t huge as in I don’t have sickness, death, money difficulties to contend with, no I admit that. And I’m grateful for it. But it can also be really shit and lonely - my job is very long hours and draining, I’m on a demanding training contract where my staying in the job is conditional on passing these, my rent is high, I struggle with all of the above! And id like to meet someone but haven’t yet. Sorry to moan about clearly quite inconsequential issues, just trying to get across that life atm is a real slog and while family life can be hard too, there’s a lot to be said for having someone there by your side helping you wade through the shit... hope that makes sense! Your 20s can suck!

OP posts:
FaFoutis · 25/09/2018 22:19

My 20s were shit Homemade. I probably looked like I was doing OK but I felt lost. It gets much better.

123rd · 25/09/2018 22:21

Sounds very similar to my situation. I feel your pain OP
I can get off the phone to my mother and she will have hardly asked me any questions. Literally doesn't ask after my DC
But I get a blow by blow account of every medical appt she has had- there are a lot
What bargains she got from Morrison's and which awful disaster has befallen her friends. All of which I haven't seen for years

I feel drained after a weekly phone call. I used to speak to her a lot more often. Now, I can't bring myself to. It's too frustrating

Any tips ??

paganmolloy · 25/09/2018 22:28

OP you have my sympathies and I'm 30 years older than you. My Mum is exactly as Cantsleepclownswilleatme describes hers.

I think what you probably mean is that when you call your Mum for a chat she asks nothing about your life or shows an interest in it. If you're in a buoyant mood and want to talk about some lovely thing that happened - she's not interested. If you're feeling lonely and have had a tough day and have no-one else to talk to - she's not interested. So I don't think that you are necessarily moaning at her in each conversation but even if you want to just chat rather than a two way conversation she shows no interest unless you point it out, which, in itself, cane demoralising.

My Mum never asks anything of my life other than 'did you have a nice time, was the weather nice' - any more information she just switches off. Whether I'm talking about nice stuff or boring stuff or moaning about something she is just not interested. She will, however, tell me the minutiae of her day and the various ailments of folk I barely remember. Her world becomes smaller and she over dramatises stuff like her bin blowing over meanwhile I've just driven the length of the country in a hurricane. It drives me nuts because it feels like she doesn't care and no matter how adult I am, it would be nice if the woman who gave birth to me could actually engage in meaningful conversation with me. I realise that as I'm now in my 50s this is never going to happen. We have never been on the same page and even when I was your age OP. I don't have any advice other than find an outlet for yourself, be it a club or an activity where you enjoy it for yourself and it takes your mind off other stuff and hopefully you'll meet like minded folk you can click with and then subsequently offload. Some of my best offloading pals are the ones I've met in the last ten years. Good luck

ExpectingToFly · 25/09/2018 22:35

I feel ya! I don't phone my mum anymore and just do whatsapp every now and then. I used to feel shite after our phone calls. She was never on my side and I seeked her approval for everything which I never got. We would have draining conversations where she would never just have my back. Look up 'will I ever be good enough ' my mind was blown after reading this🤯

My 20s were awful so so lonely. I totally understand how you're feeling. As a pp said it gets better! Flowers

kooshbin · 25/09/2018 22:42

Good grief, Lucy, what a nasty response!

Homemadehomes - hopefully your mother will have got the hint. I mean, if you can't have a moan about life with your own mother...

My adult children (now around 40ish) do the same every so often. I didn't stop being Mum once they got to 21. I don't always understand what they're talking about, but at least I can do the listening and sympathising.

Ginseng1 · 25/09/2018 23:09

I sympathise & it will only get worse! My mum is great everyone loves her life & soul of her 'circle' but especially since my dad died it's All about her. I said to my brother recently has her hearing got worse he said no 'her listening skills' have. Had to laugh. Am lucky I have dh to moan to & my bro n family close by. But am mid 40s didn't meet dh til late twenties. I had a crap couple of years mid twenties with an ex but my mum would not have been someone I could confide in. (she'd a been of the told you so brigade & she kind of 'blocks' out certain things she doesn't want to know about). Hope things get better for you - emerse yourself in city life have you made friends at work? Have you weekends off? Once you happy yourself she will bother you less!

Breezebutter · 25/09/2018 23:14

Christ what a bizarre responseConfused I sympathise OP. I’ve had no support from anyone, friends or family, for the past 2 years and it’s made me rather bitter. I hope it gets better for you!

CSIblonde · 25/09/2018 23:53

I used to think I was the only one whose mother didn't want to be my friend in adulthood. Then in my first year of teaching two different classroom assistants moaned to me that their mid 20's daughter 'always wants to talk to me about everything'. I found it sad. But at least I found kinder, wiser, loving 'surrogate' mums who did want to talk to me, elsewhere.

tulippa · 26/09/2018 00:04

My mum was like this. Lots of stories about neighbours I hadn't seen in decades and moans about all kinds of stuff but a firm knowledge that she was not available for emotional support ever. I came to terms with the fact that I needed to look for live and empathy elsewhere because I wasn't going to get it from her. Phone calls were made out of a sense of duty not because I ever really felt like chatting to her. Sad I suppose but wanted to let you know you're not the only one.

Cardiganandcuppa · 26/09/2018 00:05

This is me too, and always has been.
I gave up telling my Mum stuff years ago because its just too hurtful to get silence back.
I talk to friends instead. And I pray! And I have just tried to accept the reality for what it is, rather than grieving it over and over.

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