To find my mum really difficult sometimes?

[Homemadehomes]

I’m single and living a capital city at 25 - I have good friends but my job can be quite tough, househaring etc can grind you down, I’m a few hours away from family etc. I’m used to it and have lived abroad so it’s not a big deal, but it can be lonely and tough.

Most of my friends ring their mums when they need an emotional lift but I always feel rubbish when I ring mine! She’s lovely and we’re close but she’ll witter on about the next door neighbours grandchild and how well he’s doing (I’ve never met him...), tell me all about her and my retired dad’s plan for the week and then let me go off the phone... today i sarcastically said, well now I’ve heard your stories I should probably let you go! She got the hint and asked me about my day and I launched into a moan about work. It would have been great if she could provide a listening ear or advice or anything - instead she let me bang on for ages and then said (obviously not knowing how to respond) ok, well I can see you’re very tired so I should let you go - go and sleep. You’re very tired...

To clarify, this is how she expresses sympathy and she’s q very caring individual. I just feel like shit and so lonely after. Who else can you moan to about boring daily minutiae other than your dp and your mum? I have great friends but they don’t neee to hear this day in day out.

I'm so glad I contributed to and am reading this thread - I really felt like I was the only one whose Mum did this!

I agree with previous posters who state that their lives get "smaller" and they have less empathy.

It is so hurtful though - always makes it seem that they are not interested in you at all.

I have a grown up daughter of my own - I need to not do this to her! :)

I think there's an enormous burden of expectation of what mothers should be on MN. One minute they're over involved and daring to express an opinion about what their adult child should be doing. The next they're not involved enough.
FWIW I think we should cut our mothers and daughters more slack. They're not there to fill out the role that you've given them, and most people are just trying their best.
When I was younger, I found my mum very difficult, because she was over-involved and I was always pulling away. I'd unload my gripes on friends, and it probably made me pretty boring, in retrospect. Now my mum's old and frail, we get on a lot better. Not brilliantly, not having heart to heart chats, just able to be around each other without her driving me nuts (and probably vice versa).

I give my grown-up daughter a good listening-to, and talk to her about her issues. Her life has more ups and downs than mine; if she asks what I’ve been doing, ‘the usual’ generally covers it.

DD1 (48) lives over two hours away and I have always been supportive if she needs to unload to me whether it's by phone or text. However old she is, if she needs to vent, I'm there to listen and help. I don't need to know them minutiae of her life, there are obviously things she doesn't want to share with me!
My own DM wasn't interested in me (or my sister) and I certainly knew better than to phone her for sympathy. I was envious of friends who had lovely supportive mothers and was determined to give my 3DC the support I'd have loved.

Dealing with an over-involved mother is a very different thing to having one who shows no interest in you at all.
The expectation that your mother should care about you (and show it sometimes) in some way is a fairly minimal one.

My dad is like this. I remember ringing him when DS1 got his place in an ASD base. I really didn't think he'd get it so I was just over the moon. My dad's response? "I have been to the doctor's and I have tonsillitis" ?!??!

My mum had many, many faults but she loved a gossip to hear all my news, no matter how trivial.

Why are people bringing OP age into this... being 25 is hard guys.

Also some of the comments sounds entitled

@coatsandats My mother is exactly the same! Sometimes it seems like she's obsessed with other people

YY!! Exactly this.

My DD is 24 and we chat about all sorts .
My DParents are like this though and always have been.
They never refer to or ask anything about us.Jobs/life events come and go.
Its like we dont really exist in their heads
Always a one sided monologue about people we have never met and how important they are .
I once asked who Fred was and was shouted at like I was extremely ureasonable.Just an excuse to be nasty.
So I dont ring them unless its urgent

Really good post from @lightlypoached. I tend to ring my mum when I’m walking somewhere (off the train on my way home for example) as there is nothing better to be doing anyway, and there is a defined end point.

It's like in her head it goes "ah, topic! What do I know about topic oh yes, I had a conversation about topic the other day. I'll repeat it now".

Yes yes yes @ coatsandats This describes it perfectly.

I think there's an enormous burden of expectation of what mothers should be on MN. One minute they're over involved and daring to express an opinion about what their adult child should be doing. The next they're not involved enough.

My mum does genuinely care, and is interested though – she just seems to have developed issues with conversation and listening skills. She would be gutted if she knew how hard I found it to talk to her :-(

@Homemadehomes being 25 is hard. You feel like your adult but you're still finding your way through life. There are lots of expectations (progress in your career, find a partner, save for a house, have amazing times with friends and 'live your best life' etc) When actually quite a lot can just be a bit difficult.

Personally I found my 30s much better.

FYI most of my friends agree that personal training sessions can end up like therapy session with added sweat.

My mum and mil are exactly the same. Mil just drivel’s on with a monologue about people we don’t know ffs! My mum just talks about herself. I actually realised if I asked either of them what companies we worked for and what our job titles were they wouldn’t have a clue. DH has been in his job 10 years and I bet mil has no idea what the company is called.

An example is a text between me and my mum:

Me:Jusy booked a wee week in the sun :)
Mum: I got another blood year today

No response to my text before launching into her life.

To me this sounds like your mum was trying to keep the conversation casual and positive.

I'm on the other side of this in that I have dcs your age who constantly moan at me. They'll ring me on the way home from work moaning about their job. They'll moan about their partner. They'll moan about their friends or their in laws. Or their hair. Anything. And I'm expected to be ever patient and supportive, and I am about serious issues.But I don't want to be moaned at about minor everyday things.

Just last week in a restaurant, I had to put my cutlery down and firmly tell one of my dc to stop. Not job loss or anything serious, just general moaning about work, all the way through the meal. Not nice at all.

I agree with other posters who said that society has unrealistic expectations of mothers. My dc don't do this to their dad and I don't think they do it to anybody else either. My gentle objections to being treated like this have the unfortunate effect of being thought of as uncaring, unsupportive, or just a bitch. And that feels a lot like emotional blackmail.

I've got my own things going on, financial issues, relationship issues. Elderly parents and an ongoing health problem. I try really hard to stay positive, and that's really hard when you're being moaned at regularly.

Who else can you moan to about boring daily minutiae other than your dp and your mum?

I really think you need to think about this statement op because it's not fair, it's not right, and it's not respectful. Your mum is a person in her own right. Nobody wants to listen to this stuff.

My daughter phones me often about her problems. I used to give her advice and tell her what to do etc until one day in exasperation she said why don't I just listen instead of trying to fix her!.... so that's what I do now!
Sometimes we don't realise how we are responding so try telling your mum what you need from her.
My daughter's problems used to worry me so I thought telling her what to do was useful.....it wasn't.

My mum is like this, she knows nothing about me and the children although she is also a raging narcissist!

I am great at adopting older women and men to be my mum I have lots of them. They help me within my car, job, children.....I highly recommend it. They are neighbours or people from work or cafes I’m not fussy

Agree that a constantly moaning person can be draining, whether it's a friend, a child or a parent - but I also have a mother that responds to everything out of my mouth (positive, negative, or eventful) with an immediate change of subject to herself. Then she complains to my siblings that I never tell her anything...

OTOH, my MIL is interesting, engaged, caring and funny, so I'm crossing my fingers that I'll follow her path rather than my DM's as I get older.

My mum is exactly the same - tells me about neighbours that I have never met but doesn't even know what I do for a living.
She also really enjoys moaning about my Dad to me!
It's like finding out I have sister I didn't know about!!!
I know her hairdresser's life history, her hygienist's life history, all about the chap who works in M&S,...... And yet could she bothered to ask a simple question about my life?!

If it's all the time - have a strategy - lower expectations, screen calls and return them when you feel able to deal with a call, have something nice to do afterwards.

I don’t mind the trivia about people I don’t know so much though.

I find it harder as it sways sometime call re great sometimes leave me really down. I find the disinterest in my children very hard at times – and often then deal with questions which then get turned round to DN. Sometimes I wonder if this is an attempt to connect with me other times I’m sure it’s just a ploy to carry on talking about DN when I’ve turned the conversation away.

I'm finding IL harder and harder as it increasigly come with a hefy dose of judgement that can not be swayed and I supect rest of family and freinds hear all about us and what IL think we have done wrong. It's a trait that's only recently started and seems very related to them suddenly getting older since they retired.

OP I totally feel for you on this one and please ignore the shitty responses as they are far from helpful. Everyone needs somebody to have a moan to sometimes! On the plus side (for me) reading this thread is making me laugh and feel better about my own dear mother as this is all soooo familiar! Our conversations are usually one way (she talks at me) and consist of her ailments, Morrison’s, her geraniums (or similar) and she never asks about how I am. If I get to input something like ‘I’ve been really unwell this week’ before I can finish it’s met with ‘oh I know such and such [person I don’t know] has had it too’ and then off on a tangent she goes. If I even dream of having a moan about anything to do with work or life in general her response is usually something like ‘well its tough at the top’ whatever that means..... Nearly 40 and I still have to work really hard to let it wash over me. It probably makes it worse that she lives far from me so we only see each other once or twice a year....

Sorry I'm another one who is 20 years older...but I only just realised my mum wasn't going to give me the emotional support like lots of other mums THIS year. I now expect a lot less and guess what..we actually get on better as I'm not resentful (well not much).
My advice would be to stop expecting anything and then you'll appreciate what you do get. It's hard though.
I've also realised my mum probably has ASD but that's another story.

My mum is like this. She asks questions like what I had for breakfast and in minute detail and if I can’t answer she gets huffy. But she isn’t actually listening. As long as there is an answer she’s happy. It could be goat breath or rainbow dust. She won’t listen.

But will go on and on about someone I’ve never met who has a dog 20 years ago.

Or you do tell her something and it’ll be the next piece of gossip for others.

I am finding this thread SO helpful.
Its not just me.

Oh dear have been reading these posts with mounting horror, as I could be one of those mums described above! I do rattle on to my ever patient daughter about my friends aches and pains, window cleaners complicated life, neighbours probs, she has never met any of them. So I really must change, although we do have some lovely chats, think I must reign in a bit. Lesson learned.

I know how you feel OP, sometimes you just need a good moan about your day to somebody, I usually phone my DF for that, because my DM gets agitated that she can't help me and it turns into an argument. Personally I don't always need them to give me answers just somebody to moan at, my DF just listens to me and let's me get it off my chest, so I can pick myself up and get on again, if it is a problem I need answers to they do both help.
Maybe your DM just thought that's what you needed today, someone to moan at and get it off your chest, I'm not sure what else she could have said other than to stay on the phone a little longer and chat about other stuff after you had had your moan.

glue and stick thats my mum all in..she doesnt listen, I doesnt know me she tells everyone all about me but its what she imagines me to be..it bears no resemblence., In fact as long as its all about her life is all good,but last night I went out with my husband and daughter for tea and she rang me ..i got a load of abuse about how I wasnt in when she called and she was "going out of her mind with worry"...utter crap,jealousy cos I wasnt there when she wanted so I got a telling off from her...I am 46 lol ...dealing with my mum is like dealing with a child..I rely on me!

@Sally - Yes! My DM also brags about me and siblings but we have to take everything she says with a pinch of salt as a lot of it what she has imagined. I am sure it comes from being proud of us and wanted to share that but she over-embellishes. The other day she was telling me about her conversation with her friend saying me and DH had been thinking of setting up a business doing something specific when in fact we never had any such plans, wasn’t even on the radar and was completely made up in her head ....when I said ‘er no, we never even discussed that’ she says ‘yes well you know what I mean...’ Erm nope I really really don’t!!!