To find my mum really difficult sometimes?

[Homemadehomes]

I’m single and living a capital city at 25 - I have good friends but my job can be quite tough, househaring etc can grind you down, I’m a few hours away from family etc. I’m used to it and have lived abroad so it’s not a big deal, but it can be lonely and tough.

Most of my friends ring their mums when they need an emotional lift but I always feel rubbish when I ring mine! She’s lovely and we’re close but she’ll witter on about the next door neighbours grandchild and how well he’s doing (I’ve never met him...), tell me all about her and my retired dad’s plan for the week and then let me go off the phone... today i sarcastically said, well now I’ve heard your stories I should probably let you go! She got the hint and asked me about my day and I launched into a moan about work. It would have been great if she could provide a listening ear or advice or anything - instead she let me bang on for ages and then said (obviously not knowing how to respond) ok, well I can see you’re very tired so I should let you go - go and sleep. You’re very tired...

To clarify, this is how she expresses sympathy and she’s q very caring individual. I just feel like shit and so lonely after. Who else can you moan to about boring daily minutiae other than your dp and your mum? I have great friends but they don’t neee to hear this day in day out.

I think I am just sick and tired of carrying my mum too...her dramas (shes caused!) her pettiness and her woes.She was spoilt as a child no one ever said no to her and she has a runaway mouth and speaks without thinking,then when the shit hits the fan she runs to me about how put upon and how mean everyone is to her...She feels sorry for everyone lol but I learned years ago I am her emotional crutch not the other way round! She grinds my gears intensely!!!

I have found this thread to be of great comfort. I felt really mean spirited and guilty, thinking similar of my Mum and it's kinda comforting (in a way) to know that it's not just my Mum who is like this. But what is sad is that there seem to be so many Mums out there like this.

I love my Mum and she is kind and well meaning but the greatest kindness she could do for me would be to just listen and hear what I say.

She still doesn't listen or chooses to ignore. Case in point today. Over the years it is clear that we have hugely different tastes and to avoid disappointment on both our parts I have consistently said just to get vouchers for Xmas presents. She insists on getting us all a wee something too despite my protests so I suggested that the best thing would be to get chocolates or a bottle of plonk if she really feels that she wants to - I do stress that she needn't get us both but she always does. This had been going ok until today when she saw me looking at scarves then piped up that I'd probably be annoyed but she'd gotten me one for my Xmas. So she knows that I'd be annoyed by it but did it anyway then it's this passive aggressive thing where I then feel bad for being annoyed about it. I asked her why and she said oh well just throw it out if you don't like it. Before we'd even gone to the shops she had tried to give me two scarves that she had and never wore - they weren't my taste. I know it's a trivial thing and I should be grateful for anything (which I am) but I get so damn frustrated by this. I'll be 50 soon and she still cannot just cannot take on board what I say. She is the one who asks what we'd really like for Xmas and then chooses to ignore the answer then she feels bad for getting it wrong and I feel bad for not appreciating it enough and so it goes on. I just cannot get this. Sorry to hijack your post OP

OP I was in pretty much your exact situation a few years ago! If you’re doing a legal training contract then yes it is a hard slog, but the light is at the end of the tunnel - just get your head down for two years and then you will be qualified and I promise it is so much better once you are! And I second the poster who mentioned other law firms - it can seem like the place where you trained is the only law firm that exists at times but there’s such a wide variety out there and it pays to do a bit of research as there might be somewhere you’d be much happier in a couple of years.

Re your mum, mine is very similar. One thing to remember is that it’s probably difficult for her to relate if she didn’t have a similar tough job and share with flatmates before getting married (or at least it’s been ages since she has). It’s best to lower your expectations and have a few different friends who you call instead.

And chin up with finding a partner. I was single for much longer than I would’ve liked in my 20s and got very depressed by the dating scene but met someone when I least expected it (I had actually given up all hope and was looking into solo adoption!) at the age of 30. You will find your person too - just try to enjoy the freedom of singledom in the meantime!

My mum was like this when I was having problems with relationship break up/potential redundancy/ill health...

I learned to lower my expectations to not have chance to be listened to, but for our phonecalls to be a distraction.

It was disappointing though, given all the hours I listened when she was having boyfriend trouble.

It did follow suit from a couple of years earlier when I had depression (as had she, many years previously) & got no support then either.

Things have improved but I still know the ins and outs of her NDNs caravan woes

How do you get yourself to the place where you're happy with less though?
At the moment I am just furious with my Mum for being such a “non person” with me. The anger isn’t good for me but I don’t know how to let go of it.

@cardiganandcuppa have you tried counselling, or even just writing it down (in the style of a letter to someone else) and then burning it?
(I find that writing in the style ‘to a third party’ is more effective than to the person who you’re upset with)

My DM will ask questions, not because she's interested but because her and her sister ( they're both in their 80's) have always been in direct competition with regards to 'how well' their children are doing.
So DM will appear interested in a house I'm looking at, how much, what area etc. Or what reading level GS is on or how many parties he's been invited to. Then on the Sunday morning two hour chat DM and DA have it's hilarious as I can hear the absolute excitement in DM's voice and she relays each minute detail of my life to my Aunt! It's hard to explain but DM isn't actually proud of my achievements she just needs ammunition to be better than her sister in her eyes! Ah well it gives them something to talk about and keeps them young in mind

My parents the same. Can only talk about themselves. The other day I was on tv briefly being interviewed in a local high street. When I last visited I played it to them and they they walked out the room about 15 seconds into it! They don't even pretend to be interested.

Newhousenewstart - I can so relate to that. My DM also gathers info to use as ammo. Anything on how the grandkids are doing, where we've been on holiday, I can hear it in her voice when she tells me what my brothers and their kids are doing. When one of my niece's split from her DH my DM's reaction was sickening, like she couldn't accept this info as it would be seen as a chink in her armoury of perfectness displayed to her peers. She continued to say 'oh well they might get back together' and be almost in denial even when both parties had clearly moved on and gotten other partners.

Even the other day she was commenting on my DD (who is doing pretty well at the moment), and said 'I don't know about you but I'm proud of her'. WTF!!!!! Why would she think I wasn't proud of her??? Just because I don't prattle on about her achievements in a boastful way like she constantly does.

Headinhands - yup can relate to that too. I participated in something recently of which I was very proud and had never done anything like it before - involved performing in front of an audience. The moments had been captured by a professional photographer and I showed DM the photos she couldn't say anything positive about them. No well done, that's great, you look fab, nothing. All she said was to ask who the man on stage with me was!!

Are we related OP?!