To find my mum really difficult sometimes?

[Homemadehomes]

I’m single and living a capital city at 25 - I have good friends but my job can be quite tough, househaring etc can grind you down, I’m a few hours away from family etc. I’m used to it and have lived abroad so it’s not a big deal, but it can be lonely and tough.

Most of my friends ring their mums when they need an emotional lift but I always feel rubbish when I ring mine! She’s lovely and we’re close but she’ll witter on about the next door neighbours grandchild and how well he’s doing (I’ve never met him...), tell me all about her and my retired dad’s plan for the week and then let me go off the phone... today i sarcastically said, well now I’ve heard your stories I should probably let you go! She got the hint and asked me about my day and I launched into a moan about work. It would have been great if she could provide a listening ear or advice or anything - instead she let me bang on for ages and then said (obviously not knowing how to respond) ok, well I can see you’re very tired so I should let you go - go and sleep. You’re very tired...

To clarify, this is how she expresses sympathy and she’s q very caring individual. I just feel like shit and so lonely after. Who else can you moan to about boring daily minutiae other than your dp and your mum? I have great friends but they don’t neee to hear this day in day out.

I can't help noticing the conjunction of Who else can you moan to about boring daily minutiae other than your dp and your mum? and she’ll witter on about the next door neighbours grandchild and how well he’s doing (I’ve never met him...), tell me all about her and my retired dad’s plan for the week.

I just wonder if these older mums feel they had their time doing everything for their now older kids. I guess with age now maybe they think tough biccies to their 20s year old kids. They think subconsciously “it’s my turn to get some help from you” (remember your Mums changed you, fed you and raised you probably quite a bit). Maybe these Mums are ready for a listening ear and this is what it’s all about. It’s only a thought here, so don’t jump on my post.
I do understand OP that you are feeling tired and lonely. Sounds like you may need to let go of one or two things to get your “life back” a little.

Think about talking to the Samaritans, they are there to listen, you don't need to be suicidal, and you would not be wasting their time. Life is a slog at the moment, you are lonely and have no one to talk to, they are the perfect organisation to contact. Your call would not be stopping someone who really needs them calling them, they have enough capacity and you need it too.

I have found my people!

My mum, who I totally love, now just seems to witter on and on and on and on about neighbours, her osteopaths daughters husband, friends children (none of these I know) and the minutiae of her day (super market, gym class, coffee with friends, walk, society talk). She also wants to complain about dad to me.

It’s like she has just become very inwardly focussed and feels like she can only contribute to a conversation if she says something about herself (past or present).

She does care about me and what I’m doing, but it’s like she has lost the skills to engage properly. She’s mid 70s so not exactly doddery or forgetful.

Like the OP I don’t get the ‘correct’ response from her when I tell her stuff.

Also, with. My friends I can rabbit on and on and we bounce off each other and the conversation flows. With mum it’s so hard unless I sit and listen to all the topics outlined above. It makes me feel like a very boring person because we can’t communicate well.

I don’t remember her always being like this at all. And I do like her a lot and love her, but by god sometimes the phone calls are so draining.

Phew. I feel better for having got that off my chest.

This is so my mum. Its quite reassuring to know I'm not alone. She really is amazing and helps me all the time but I've never felt I can really talk to her. She's sort of closed is the best way I can describe it. I think she just doesn't know what to say sometimes.

I just wonder if these older mums feel they had their time doing everything for their now older kids. I guess with age now maybe they think tough biccies to their 20s year old kids. They think subconsciously “it’s my turn to get some help from you” (remember your Mums changed you, fed you and raised you probably quite a bit). Maybe these Mums are ready for a listening ear and this is what it’s all about. It’s only a thought here, so don’t jump on my post.

I don’t think so in my mums case.

She genuinely does care and in real emergency or time of crisis she is fab - it’s just her general conversation skills have tanked to a (loud) monologue about herself.

They think subconsciously “it’s my turn to get some help from you” (remember your Mums changed you, fed you and raised you probably quite a bit).

Sort, but that’s always a a really shitty parental attitude. No one who chooses to have children should ever play the ‘I wiped your bum, now adult you should be my crutch’ card.

It is rather exhausting when a relationship is one sided, it can feel like your problems (however insignificant) don’t matter. Could you once in a while start the conversation from ‘your side’? ‘Oh today was so tough, x, y and z happened’, and don’t let the conversation derail. The only other option is to keep the contact light with your mum and find good friends to unload to every so often.

It’s become even more noticeable if she is at my house and I have some friends over. If one is telling a story and people are asking questions etc mum will chime in with a similar / related story from her past. Every time. Which is fine sometimes but don’t alwways talk about yourself mum!

It’s liek she doesn’t know what to say so sticks to safe ground (herself).

Also her other favourite topic is wringing her hands about the poor poor people, and how bad gentrification is etc, whilst in the next breath saying there is too much fly tipping and no artisan bakery in my area...

Also her other favourite topic is wringing her hands about the poor poor people, and how bad gentrification is etc, whilst in the next breath saying there is too much fly tipping and no artisan bakery in my area...

serbska is your mum the same as Bridget Jones’s .

Also I have raised the irony... instead of engaging with @Homemadehomes about her problem, I launched into my own diatribe about my own mother conversation issue.

Like mother like daughter

@Padparadscha maybe a little!

My :Mum is early 70s and has absolutely no clue about my life. She has kind of disengaged with anything that doesn’t involve a weekly shop at Sainsbury’s and her hospital appointments and her garden.

I have bad MH problems and she never asks how I am or seek to help me. I never talk to her about it because there’s no point. If I do she shrugs and says “oh well”.

I’ve learned that she is not the help I need. I have wonderful friends who do understand, support and help me.

I sent my mum a photo of me doing an event at the weekend, "oh you never said you were doing that, where are you?"

"Yes I did..."

"Oh you know me, my memory is terrible"

Funny how you know stuff about DB and his child, or Mary at work

I think some young adults can be totally self obsessed and not appreciate that parents have their own lives - however boring it may be for you to hear about your mother's NDN's children etc. My own DS barely shows any interest in mine or DH's life and yet expects to listen ad nauseum (sp?) about his ............... I am not saying all young adults can be like this (and maybe I was the same myself ) but perhaps it's something worth thinking about?

Lucy....you aren’t very nice.

I feel for you OP.....

My mum can be the same and sometimes you just need to sound off to someone and get a proper response.

Yes, my mother is like this too. I think the stereotypical "mother" is someone that you (especially as an adult) can talk to any time and she will listen and support you. As a young adult, I went through the same thing as OP - realising that actually my mother wasn't that interested in me and certainly wasn't going to be a shoulder to cry on, or someone to help me through my problems. Accepting that my mother wasn't and couldn't be the person I wanted to be has saved me some hurt over the years. I simply don't talk to her any more (about anything that matters). But, yes, it still hurts when you hear of others' relationships with their mothers that you wish you have.

Just out of interest does your employer have an assistance service? Some have a helpline you can call, you can call them about anything especially if there is something more tangible that you need help with.

You mentioned doing a training contract - does that mean you are training to be a lawyer? It is tough, but I just wanted to say there are other law firms out there and it is possible to move on qualification if you don't like them or they don't like you or it's mutual. If it's so tough you need to ask if it's really what you want for the rest of your life. Life in another law firm could be much less stressful - it is possible to work 9-5 as a lawyer (well 8-6 maybe), even in London. Just keep an open mind and your options open and don't assume there's no way out.

In terms of housesharing, I wonder if it's worth you looking at some of the cohousing spaces in London where you can live on your own but have communal facilities to live in?

And finally your mum - mine can be the same, although if I said I have a problem and I need to talk it through, she would shut up and listen.

I think this is quite common. My mother was exactly like this - a two hour call would consist of 115 minutes of her telling me about the neighbour's cat, and what someone did at the church fellowship group.....and five minutes of asking me how I was.

Now Mum is gone and my sister is just the same. So I don't expect anyone to listen to my moans, I deal with them myself.

I can only suggest that you either stop ringing your mother, or stop expecting her to listen to you. As you said, you wouldn't expect your friends to listen to your moans but you do expect your mother to. Maybe take a fresh look at that idea - are your friends worth more tending than your mother is ? Maybe our mothers shouldn't be expected to absorb all of our moans and groans. Just a thought.

hahahahahahah we all have matching mothers .

When she was younger my mum was a good listener and problem solver but as she got older that seemed to pretty much evaporate. Took me years to adjust my expectations, until a therapist helped me with the (now obvious) wisdom: you can't change your mum, but you can change how you react to her. Genius.

I deal with it by having headphones in and doing chores whilst she talks. and then occasionally she asks what's going on in my life. she loves me and my kids, but is in her own little world and would be shocked if she read this.

The daily frustrations things are discussed with DH and friends and she now knows very little of the depths of my life. maybe its just a natural part of growing older and not living around the corner?

I think its natural to want to lean on our mums and share things, but it is fraught with difficulty.

hope you find a way OP.

It gets worse the older they (parents) get, sorry :)

Lightly that is really good advice

Lucy- Not pretty. Not cool.

OP. I agree with FaFoutis. Lower your expectations of your Mum and find another outlet. Something aggressive like kickboxing or public karaoke! She will keep disappointing you with her response because it's not what you are looking for. I was out the door at 17 with a TaTa. It was miserable. Don't waste your 20's letting the misery grind you down. Spend it smashing open doors and looking for opportunities. Everything you are doing now will be a funny story in the future. Like your dickhead roommate or your mouse ridden flat you survived or that awful job. Best of luck.

My mother is exactly the same! Sometimes it seems like she's obsessed with other people. I remember a few years ago trying to talk to her about a problem with my love life and she switched the conversation to a really convoluted telling of her neighbour's love life. And similar when I first had my baby, she would switch to talking about her hairdresser's baby! It's like in her head it goes "ah, topic! What do I know about topic oh yes, I had a conversation about topic the other day. I'll repeat it now".

I think it's partly a kind of loneliness.... too much time to think and not enough time to chat so she sees our conversations as that. She (understandably) doesn't know I've earmarked our conversation for emotional support for me!

Advice for you, OP..... try telling her directly that you really want to talk because you're feeling stressed. Let her know you're not expecting her to be able to solve it, but you think that getting things off your chest would help.

(My mum sometimes subconsciously runs away conversationally from difficult topics if she thinks she's not going to be able to solve them).

chin up. I was in a similar situation at your age. Things got much much better - you feel a bit on limbo while you're waiting to finish training etc. Once that's done, life moves on well

My 20s were shit Homemade. I probably looked like I was doing OK but I felt lost. It gets much better.

This is 100% true for me as well. I wish someone had told me at the time.

20s in London with little cash/no family money and no boyfriend/partner is frequently crap. and hanging in there

I only call my mum about stuff thats upsetting me and if its an emergency and I need her advice. My friends and bf are here to deal with me whinging about crap.