Nobody wants to come...

[GucciMara]

Arranged a meal for a few of my friends before baby arrives (I'm 30 something weeks). I've given lots of notice but every single one of my friends bar one have said they won't be coming.

They genuinely might have plans already, but a few have just been a bit flaky and said 'yeah maybe'. I'm done with chasing and just wanted a nice meal out. Bit gutted nobody wants to come.

I understand it could be a money thing, double booked, etc etc. We all have our reasons and I'm not accusing people of having rubbish reasons. Just a bit sad...

AIBU to be a bit disappointed that 9/10 people said no? Feel a bit Billy no mates and want to cry in to my pillow! Been to some lovely baby showers where people have travelled far and wide and just have a funny feeling of loneliness and like I don't really have many good friends...

I did an NCT postnatal course where we all brought our babies. I know it’s expensive, but it does help you learn a lot about how to look after your baby. Cheaper / free options include groups like baby music, baby sensory, baby massage, baby yoga, held at libraries and community/ children’s centres and churches (usually open to anyone - you don’t have to be a member of the church - they are just inexpensive venues for people to run courses). Keep your eyes and ears open and study community notice boards like in your local supermarket, health centre, etc. Do some on-line research. My local craft store has bring your baby knitting/craft sessions, bookstores often have story time.

If all else fails, hang out in your local cafes and playgrounds during the day and strike up conversations with other Mums with babies. The thing you don’t realise when you work full time is that when you are out and about locally during the day, especially the morning, is that there are Mums with babies everywhere desperate to get out of the house and have a chat. You just have to be willing to strike up conversation.

Really sorry you are upset about your lunch, completely understand. Maybe arrange some bilateral catch ups with people instead, then you can be flexible about their diaries?

Thanks everyone. Feeling a bit better this morning. Joined that peanut app... it's a bit weird! Like tinder for mums. You'd think some people are looking to hook up for a romantic date based on their photos!!

YANBU OP, your friends are being shit. It’s extremely rude to respond to an invitation with a ‘maybe’, is that the norm in your circle? They sound like flakes.

Genuine friends will want to spend time with you and be happy to see you, they will give a firm answer to invites (even if it’s ‘sorrh I won’t know until this date but I’ll let you know then) and if they can’t attend an event will suggest another time to get together.

I really do hope you make some better friends soon, the way they’re acting isn’t normal or okay and shouldn’t be normalised.

Do they know each other? IF they don't they may not have fancied meeting up as they'd have less time with you and would be stuck making small talk with people they don't know? I have 4-5 GOOD friends where I live (others that sadly don't live in the same country as me) but i always meet them 1-1 as they don't know each other very well.

@Luxembourgmama they all know someone else who is going. They all know me as well a few of them had baby showers with loads of people who didn't know each other.

they all know someone else who is going

They know someone else who is invited. That’s not quite the same. That could be the reason for all the “maybes”. They want to check someone else is going before committing.

PurpleDaisies

That’s really crap behaviour if that’s true! That’s just not how someone would treat a friend they cared about. I drove 100 miles on Sunday to my friend’s for her daughter’s third birthday party even though I didn’t know anyone there. She was insistent I didn’t need to go if it was too much hassle and very grateful, but of course I would. You show up for your friends, chit chat to new people if you don’t yet know anyone. You don’t get an invite then ‘maybe’ it until you’re confident there are enough other of your own friends going to make it worth your while when you already know your friend who is hosting wants you there.

It’s sad how people’s standards have dropped.

Definitely look at Mush again too. It is like online dating but I've met some good friends through that. Ditto the baby classes. Just ask someone if they want to meet up, you'll generally find they do! It's embarrassing at first but everyone is on the same boat and are glad you made the first move

OP out of interest are the majority of your friends from one group? Or all random whose only connection is you? Only if the latter it's really hard to get them to all want to give up a sunday afternoon to pay for a meal to be around eachother.

Bloody hell LittleKitty1985. That's a really crap surprise. Glad I don't have friends like you.

My first thought is that someone has organised a surprise for you, so they have to say they can't attend so you don't catch on, but one person has to attend so you turn up?!

sorry i see my post has kind of been answered

Right @OverTheHedgeSammy ! I would be so upset if someone did that to me. You can't justify being cruel by doing something nice to make up for it.

I think the Sunday lunchtime thing is what made it difficult for most people. It's a day when people have regular family commitments or activities and probably don't want to commit to anything else. I wouldn't take it to heart.

Most people could count on one hand the number of really close friends they have. Others are more casual friends, or even 'just passing friends' as in people you are friendly with because you happen to work together, live beside each other or have kids the same age, but who will drift off once that common link disappears.

I don't think it's fair of some posters to imply that you make closer friends after you have children than at any other time in life. Some people will become close to friends they initially met at baby groups or the school gates, some won't. Just as some people have close friends they met through work, an evening activity or at school and some don't.

Gucci do you think maybe your friends are planning a surprise shower for you?

Something like this happened to me.

I moved into a new flat and invited all my colleagues to a housewarming.

One elderly lady showed up with her husband.

I was eating party food for over a week.

Ouch NameChange. That must have been awkward.

I organised a surprise birthday party for a friend a few years ago and part of the surprise was that everyone cancelled on him in the run up to his birthday.

What a cruel thing to do to a friend!

OP, you're rather like me in that you've moved around a lot I'm in my forties, but have lived in my home country, the US, France, and the ME, as well as moving around within England, and I plan to move countries again which does make your friendships scattered, and events like the one you tried to organise trickier. I wouldn't let that make me feel bitter, to be honest -- I don't think it necessarily invalidates those friendships, and I think some responses on here are predicated on the assumption that we've all lived in the same place for most of our lives.

Re. the NCT don't worry about not having done the classes. I thought they were an expensive waste. My group simply didn't get on very well, and drifted apart when the babies were very small which is not surprising, when all you've got in common is having babies at the same time. You can attend NCT coffee morning etc without being a member, so it's worth looking that up.

But and I mean this bracingly, rather than gloomily I'd be wary of the idea that's often peddled on here, that having a baby is your portal to new and exciting friendships. It wasn't the case for me at all, though possibly because I'd moved to a village where I was wildly atypical of the other women (it was never men, which was a bit of a shock after north London baby groups) -- those were just situational friendships for me. (The closest friendships I've made since my student years were forged at work.)

I say that not to depress you, only to say don't panic if it doesn't happen.

I organised a surprise birthday party for a friend a few years ago and part of the surprise was that everyone cancelled on him in the run up to his birthday.

I read this as being a bit sarcastic, like a surprise was organised but the real surprise sadly was that everyone cancelled, which is out of the poster’s control. I didn’t read that she purposefully pretended he was getting a party!? Cos how would he know everyone was cancelling if it was a surprise party he wouldn’t find out about until the day?

Clothrabbit, it was awkward both at the 'party' and at work.

The excuses were pitiful.

Lolly, I think that poster meant that the person tried to throw himself a party for his birthday/whatever occasion, everyone cancelled on the day as part of the surprise, so he was disgusted, and muttering about his crap friends when he went home, to find all his friends were hiding behind the sofa in his flat shouting 'Surprise!'

At least, that was how I read it.

Perhaps they've arranged a surprise baby shower or something for you instead ?

So sorry, OP. I totally get it.

The older I get, the more I realize how superficial most friendships are. It’s easy to be a good friend when you’re young, carefree, and all the support you may need to give is a handholding or a night out after a breakup with another boyfriend. Actually realizing someone is going through something difficult or empathizing with the difficulties of having children,sickness etc, requires a certain level of maturity and actually caring about that person.

Honestly, I don’t know anyone who has this magic circle of friends that are always there for everything like on that TV show ‘Friends’. You have maybe one or two friends like that if you’re lucky and who those friends are changes over time.

Yes I do think television programmes like Friends and Cold Feet give this idea that lots of people are part of this big group of friends who are like a second family and are always there for each other, hanging around each others kitchen and privy to each others innermost thoughts and secrets. I don't think I know anyone in real life who has a friendship group quite like that.

Aww I'm sorry that your friends couldn't come. I am the same with my friends, there are 6 of us who have been friends since school and always meet up on birthday's and special occasions but everyone always seems busy on my birthday I know I'm not 10 and it doesn't matter but its hard not to take these things personally when it is your friends isn't it?
Big hugs