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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

13 year olds and alcohol - AIBU

109 replies

Virgo28 · 25/09/2018 21:18

Just wanted some opinions on something that happened at the weekend. I've been stewing over it and overthinking so need some perspective. Had group of friends round for dinner and a catch up. I was mixing some drinks when one friends 13 yo dd asked if she could have a bottle of wicked - the orange alcopop one. I jokingly told her she wasn't quite old enough yet thinking she was joking with me. She then told me that her mum said she could, burst into tears and went wailing out and complained to her mum. I was then informed by said mum that "I need to get with the times" because everyone let's their kids drink, apparently I'm stuck in the dark ages as there's nothing wrong with letting them have a drink. Was I being unreasonable? I didn't let mine drink at 13, but my youngest is 17 now and maybe social times have changed?

OP posts:
Justask · 26/09/2018 00:36

The other day my DD 12 asked for some of my beer. I poured her 1/4 of my small bottle into a glass.

She declared it was the best day ever.

4hours later I poured it down the sink. She didn't really want it, she just didn't want to be forbidden. I would like to think this is the start of a healthy relationship with alcohol and I won't be pulling her drunk ass out of a puddle of vomit at 16.

SilverLining10 · 26/09/2018 07:35

Yanbu shes just a child. I would judge a mother who is so ok with it. She probably wants to be the cool mum and sit with the problems later on then.
As for bursting into tears well I would have said you are behaving like a toddler and toddlers cant drink.

cuttttie · 26/09/2018 07:43

It seems like an overreaction but I was drinking at 13 without my mum knowing, I wish I was allowed to drink in my house, in the safety of other adults

PiperPublickOccurrences · 26/09/2018 07:49

Not everyone lets their teenagers drink.

I have a 13 year old and a 16 year old. The 13 year old has had no alcohol at all, the 16 year old has had maybe 3 glasses of prosecco on special occasions (three separate special occasions, not all at once).

RedSkyLastNight · 26/09/2018 07:50

DS is 14 and it seems that quite a few of his same-age friends drink at home on a fairly regular basis (yes, I realise the stories may be embellished). So I suspect there are plenty of parents out there that do allow their DC of this age to drink at home.

Giving a 13 year old an alcopop wouldn't be my choice either, but I also can't see it as a huge deal, and would have given the girl one if her mother had given permission.

Ragwort · 26/09/2018 07:51

I think I would have checked with the mum and then allowed the drink, my DS was allowed the occasional can of lager/cider at home in a 'family' type situation, I can remember being served a small sherry before dinner by my grandparents from the age of about 11.

But the fact she cried and threw a tantram and the reaction from the other mother is seriously OTT. 'Your House Your Rules'.

Ragwort · 26/09/2018 07:52

I was babysitting from the age of 14 and swigging drinks out of the drinks cabinet Blush.

BiggerBoat1 · 26/09/2018 07:54

Good god. The other mother is being utterly irresponsible. My 13 yr old DS wouldn't even think to ask for alcohol. He has had the occasional very small bucks fizz at a wedding or Christmas but certainly not a whole bottle of alcopop. That is sending all the wrong messages.

AlexaShutUp · 26/09/2018 07:59

Nope. I have a 13 year old.

She wouldn't ask for alcohol.
Her friends wouldn't ask for alcohol (except one who asked in jest for a glass of vodka when offered a drinkHmm).
I wouldn't let her drink alcohol.
I'm pretty sure her friends' parents wouldn't offer her alcohol either.

Cronesquerness · 26/09/2018 08:06

YANBU I don't allow them energy drinks either, if they bring them to my house they go down the sink, I don't care who bought them but as I'm the responsible adult then kids are not consuming that shit and I'm not dealing with their behaviour once consumed.

Agentornika · 26/09/2018 08:16

To those that allow alcohol so young, why? They've got plenty of time to drink when they are older

EndeavourVoyage · 26/09/2018 08:23

I think it is U for anyone to drink WKD tbh.Grin I allowed my children alcohol from 5 they would have watered down wine at a special dinner and once they were about 12 they were allowed a glass of undiluted with a special meal. From age 15 both my children were offered a beer or wine and would sometimes accept. They are 26 and 24 now and neither drink to excess I don’t even think that DD drinks at all. It was never something to crave in our house you see.

FruitofAutumn · 26/09/2018 08:45

she was crying because she had been embarrassed by your refusal.

BitchQueen90 · 26/09/2018 08:49

I was drinking at 13. I remember us all being allowed one smirnoff ice at my friend's 13th birthday sleepover.

I wouldn't allow spirits and the like at that age but one alcopop I would to be honest. They're barely stronger than fruit juice.

incendio · 26/09/2018 10:15

@Agentornika My parents view was that being allowed a singular alcopop on special occasions would take away the mystery over alcohol that entices so many children to go down the park with 3L bottles of cheap cider and the likes.

For them it worked, as when my peers would make those kind of plans I would think why would I want to freeze my butt off all for alcohol when I've tried it and it's nothing to write home about. Whereas the heaviest underage drinkers in my year were those whose parents were really strict and would have given them a bollocking for even thinking about drinking alcohol. Those were the kids who would be off school on Monday because they'd had to have their stomachs pumped early on Sunday morning!

I now have a very good relationship with alcohol, am not a binge drinker and have never found myself in any dangerous situations due to alcohol as an adult or a teen. Most of my good friends have had similar upbringings and have turned out much the same as me as well as a few PP here. No one's talking about their parents letting them be drunk at 13.

I've seen a few people saying that their children wouldn't even be thinking about alcohol at 13 and I think that's quite naive. Alcohol is everywhere and most often associated with people having a great time. Eg, adverts, children watching parents have a nice time over a glass of wine, fun family gatherings where alcohol is consumed etc etc. Of course they're going to be curious about it and be tempted to experiment. I sometimes feel like a lot of MN users forget what it's like to be young.

As a PP has pointed out it's completely legal to let children drink alcohol at home so I think to say parents who allow a little bit of alcohol on special occasions are bad, lazy parents is such a rude and ignorant generalisation to make as (hopefully) no one is talking about letting their children get hammered on Christmas Day. In that same vein some might think it lazy parenting to stick your head in the sand and think your child is immune to the temptations that basically every teen faces until you have decided it's an acceptable age...

SkinnywannabeKBH · 26/09/2018 10:24

You definitely were not being unreasonable and she is definitely not mature enough to drink alcohol if she runs off crying like that. Her Mum is also a dick for being so rude to you. She needs to grow up too in my opinion. 'Get with the times'? Sounds to me like she is one of these parents who has to give her Daughter what all of her peers have rather than choosing to parent and say no.

AuntieStella · 26/09/2018 10:30

YANBU

At that age, the only time my DC were permitted alcoholic drinks was at weddings where they had a small amount of fizz for the toasts.

From mid teens, that gradually extended to include Christmas and NYE, and when over 16 occasionally with meals on special occasions (essentially following the licensing laws). But that is only wine/beer/cider. No spirits and definitely no alcopops (which I think lure people into overconsumption).

If they wanted a 'grown up drink' in circumstances I did not approve of, I would offer a mocktail.

bsbabas · 26/09/2018 10:36

I think starting kids young like sixteen is OK demystifies it and uni, college aren't wasted experimenting. But 13 is ridiculous and having a temper tantrum about it makes her sound like an alcoholic in the making.

Snowymountainsalways · 26/09/2018 10:38

Nope. I have a 13 year old too and she wouldn't even think to ask.

I am astounded she behaved like that in your house full stop.

'get with the times' Hmm how rude! I hope you are not going to invite them again.

Fadingmemory · 26/09/2018 10:40

YANBU & up to you in your house. DD very sick at age 13 after having been given alcopops by a friend’s mother at their house. I wasn’t consulted & was Angry

Shitonthebloodything · 26/09/2018 10:45

I wouldn't let my 13 year old. I'd let him at 15 under supervision (because it's better to let them have it and have some honesty as they'll do it anyway) but I think 13 is way too young.

Florries · 26/09/2018 10:47

I was 15 when I was allowed an alcopop or 2 on a special occasion. Orange Bacardi Breezer.

A bottle of J2O was just as good at 13 and I felt very grown up drinking it from a glass bottle.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 26/09/2018 11:02

Our kids were allowed to taste what we were drinking - usually just the smell would put them off - and could have some sort of alcopop at home with a meal at Christmas (not on a school night!) from around 15. The youngest is 16 now and she hates the taste of alcohol. If I'm buying cider for her sisters she will have apple juice or Schloer because she prefers the taste.

But going back to the the OP - I wouldn't be surprised at a 13 yr old asking/trying it on - and I would have replied in the same way. But i would have been shocked at her reaction to being told no.

londonliv · 26/09/2018 11:27

My parents let me have a glass of wine at family dinners from when I was about 12/13. They are Dutch & fairly liberal about things.

In Holland you are allowed to buy beer (& wine?) from 16, spirits from 18. However, you traditionally have beer in smaller glasses, not pints so you don't see the same kind of crazy drinking culture that you get here.

Growing up spending my summers in Holland I noticed other teens my age didn't really get drunk to excess like you saw in the UK whilst my friends at (English) boarding school were regularly getting so drunk they'd be sick/need their stomach pumped. I would say I have a pretty healthy attitude to drinking so I think maybe my parents were being sensible letting me have something from a younger age. (They'd have never bought me alcopops though!!)

Satsumaeater · 26/09/2018 11:30

Not RTFT but of course you weren't unreasonable!

Imagine the flip side - you said she could have an alcopop and then you had the parents moaning to you about that.

The law says not under 18. What you choose to do with your own child is down to you (my 15 (now nearly 16) year old has a glass of Buck's Fizz on Christmas Day and has the odd sip of wine) but it is by no means remotely unreasonable to say no to your own or another person's child.

I think alcopops are quite dangerous as well as they just taste like soft drinks. You were absolutely right to stop a 13 year old drinking one.