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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if you're a step mum on mumsnet you will invariably be hated?

100 replies

flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 16:27

I am getting sick and tired of the shit that most step mums get on this site.

It literally doesn't seem to matter what the step mum has or has not done, what her AIBU or post is about, she is flamed by the posters of MN.

Asked questions like "were you the OW" when it's entirely irrelevant and told "you knew what you were getting yourself into" which, lets face it, nobody does right at the start of a relationship.

it just seems that step mums cant do right for doing wrong, and on MN they've no chance of getting much if any support.

AIBU to think that a lot of posters on MN think that step mums are lesser beings than real mums and its totally ok to rip them to shreds at any opportunity?

OP posts:
itsbritneybiatches · 25/09/2018 16:53

I'm a step mum I haven't had any shitty responses so far.

What are you posting about?

RonniePickering · 25/09/2018 16:55

YABU, MILs are the scum of the earth on MN, I don’t really see any stepmum hate.

itsbritneybiatches · 25/09/2018 16:55

Mine is 20 though, met him when he was 17.
He calls me his step mum although I've only
Been with his dad four years and he's only recently moved in with us.

Called me step mum for a year or two now

YeTalkShiteHen · 25/09/2018 16:58

Some do, a lot don’t. Sometimes it’s unfair, I have seen the kind of threads you mean. It depends on who is on the thread I think.

HugeAckmansWife · 25/09/2018 17:01

I don't think the ow question is necessarily irrelevant if the OP is about a problem with the ex wife as that knowledge may have some bearing on why the ex wife might be acting in a way that doesn't fit in with the OPs wishes. I also think regardless of the back story it's an immensely complex relationship with numerous potential pitfalls on all sides.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 25/09/2018 17:06

Some Step-Parents are shit, just like some Parents are shit. When people who are behaving unreasonably ask AIBU on here, they get their arse handed to them on a plate. Not just Step-Parents, and I've certainly not seen a particular trend for SP-bashing, just the ones who are behaving badly.

My son has a Step Mother. I have nothing but love and respect for her; she's kind to him, loves him and takes care of him when I'm not there to be his Mum. However, she also doesn't resent him, behave badly towards him or treat him like an outsider in her family, so she's earned my trust, respect and admiration. If Step Parents all behaved the way DS1's Step Mum does, they wouldn't get a bashing.

Outlookmainlyfair · 25/09/2018 17:07

When I read the comment
“ well in my experience step mothers are to blame 95% of the time....”
I realised that I would be wary of asking for advice.
I have also seen some very supportive threads too.
Agreed it is mild by comparison to the all MILs are evil theory!

bridgetreilly · 25/09/2018 17:11

I don't think it's that bad. The problem on AIBU is obviously that people are usually posting when something's gone wrong.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 25/09/2018 17:15

I guess massive projection happens on most threads but usually the target of posters' wrath (e.g. in-laws, useless DHs/DPs and so on) aren't on MN to see the dislike aimed at their group, unlike step mums.

"If Step Parents all behaved the way DS1's Step Mum does, they wouldn't get a bashing."

Not true. There was a thread on here recently where a mum was heavily criticised because she was complaining that her Ex wouldn't agree to having their kids every single weekend, when would she get to spend quality time with them? Yet when I posted a thread explaining how we had my DSC Thu-Sun every single week and DSC's mum got the hump because we asked her for one week a month where we just had them Thu-Fri, I was ripped to shreds, poor mum was tired and needed down time, I obviously disliked my DSCs, DH was a dead-beat etc etc.

DorothyGarrod · 25/09/2018 17:18

I got an absolute pasting when I posted a thread about an issue with my DSD. It didn’t upset me but it has meant I don’t post anything else about her! She is now an adult and we have a wonderful relationship so the nest of vipers got me wrong on that occasion! Grin

Original poster
flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 17:53

Agree its worse for MILS!

Its not my threads britany its just something ive noticed.

Also "youre not a step mum if you're nor married" even when theyve been around 10 years plus.

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 25/09/2018 21:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

GunpowderGelatine · 25/09/2018 21:09

YADNBU. I know which thread you've come from too Grin and I'll say in this what I said in that thread.

The step parent line on MN is a bit of a strange one I have to say. One of those 'only on MN' things, in that step parents are expected to give absolutely the same to their SC as their own kids get - be it a room (even if they only see that SC once a month), car, visiting rights to a brand new baby being born etc, They have to give them the same, if not more, than their own children yet they can NEVER under any circumstances ever discipline them or tell them off. I see this now and again and it makes me wonder why anyone would 'out' themselves as a step parent on this site.

I remember not long ago a poster had a baby coming along, they had a DD, and a SDD who they saw once a month and asked if they WBU for making SDD share with (same age) DD, and then turn SDD (smaller) room into a room for the baby. They couldn't afford a bigger house. Poor woman got crucified - most advice was 'move to a bigger house' Hmm or 'have baby share with you'. So in people's mind a child growing up sharing a room with its parents was a better solution than that child using the room that was free 28 days out of 30, because otherwise the SDD would be traumatised for life, or some such shit. I read that thread like this Confused utter madness!

GunpowderGelatine · 25/09/2018 21:10

And even if the stepmum wasn't the other woman in MN Land she may as well be - even if she met the ex 10 years after the OP split with him

Eeyoreismyspiritanimal · 25/09/2018 21:11

Yup. See it all the time and have had it.

SunnyintheSun · 25/09/2018 21:19

YANBU. It’s not all posters and step-mums can usually overcome the prejudice if they prove themselves to be saints. But come on as a SP who is having an off day/ needs a little support /is dealing with a tricky SC problem (especially if they haven’t been perfect throughout) and the chances are they will be crucified. The bar for SP behaviour is set much higher than for other parents. It’s sad because the us v them attitude holds all women back.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 25/09/2018 22:12

@Wearywithteens absolutely I do tell her how much I love her being part of DS1's life, often. Splitting up when you have a child is an awful, awful thing, having to "share" your baby is a whole new world of learning and (at times) sadness. But she's been an absolute blessing in his life and mine. She's offered happiness to DS1's Dad and, ultimately, made him a nicer person by bringing that happiness to his life. That then projects onto our son, who is happier by default for having happy parents. It's not perfect, never will be. But it's as close to it as can be with just enough dysfunction to still give him character.

HardofCleaning · 25/09/2018 22:16

I've never seen any step parent hate or MiL hate. I've seen criticisms of both MiLs and SP on threads in which people felt they were being unreasonable.

I've seen lots of threads on AIBU in general where people will get onto a roll on bashing the OP and everyone joins in seemingly just for the fun of it. Doesn't seem to happen to SP anymore than anyone else though.

LongHotSummer24715 · 25/09/2018 22:45

Yanbu

If posters said DC instead of DSC the replies would be very different.

CrystalMazing · 25/09/2018 22:51

YANBU

The vitriol against stepmums is all too apparent on here

InstagramPork · 25/09/2018 22:52

The step-parenting hate is real.
Once a little experiment I posted both on the SP forum and also on AIBU under different names - both the exact same problem except I referred to her on AIBU DD and on the stepparenting thread I called her DSD.
Dramatically different responses. AIBU I got support and responses with helpful advice etc.
On the stepparent thread I was basically accused of hating her and told it must be my fault, I have no right to do anything about it, and I make her feel unwelcome in her own home.

So OP YADNBU

Brambleboo · 25/09/2018 23:03

I think you're being perfectly reasonable, OP.

It's sad to read posts from mothers (and we are mostly all in a mothering role here) trying to take down or belittle others just because they didn't give birth to the child they are taking care of, loving, nurturing and sometimes having problems with.

HardofCleaning · 25/09/2018 23:08

@GunpowderGelatine

How is that madness - lots of people share a room with a baby? Obviously it's not a long term solution but perfectly reasonable suggestion in the short term!

As someone who was a Step chid not having your own space in a step parents home basically meant I never went. The child living with them got priority for everything (for reasons I can understand) so it was never my home so I didn't really see that parent. If that woman's DH wanted to maintain a close relationship with his daughter giving her her own room was good advice.

HardofCleaning · 25/09/2018 23:10

Also for balance I did see an awful post on here a while ago about a step mum calling her SD a "disgusting animal" because she wet the bed when people called her on it many jumped to her defence saying it was "step mum hate" and step mums could do no right!

GunpowderGelatine · 25/09/2018 23:14

@HardofCleaning the suggestions were for the SD to keep the room forever (or for as long as she needed it) and for baby to either bunk with the DD or stay in the parents room. IIRC one or son even suggested they get a sofa bed and have the living room as their bedroom so the kids could have a room each Confused