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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that if you're a step mum on mumsnet you will invariably be hated?

100 replies

flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 16:27

I am getting sick and tired of the shit that most step mums get on this site.

It literally doesn't seem to matter what the step mum has or has not done, what her AIBU or post is about, she is flamed by the posters of MN.

Asked questions like "were you the OW" when it's entirely irrelevant and told "you knew what you were getting yourself into" which, lets face it, nobody does right at the start of a relationship.

it just seems that step mums cant do right for doing wrong, and on MN they've no chance of getting much if any support.

AIBU to think that a lot of posters on MN think that step mums are lesser beings than real mums and its totally ok to rip them to shreds at any opportunity?

OP posts:

MarthaArthur · 26/09/2018 10:04

You must love and bow to everything step kid says and does even if its outright rude nasty or dangerous because the poor poppet has 2 families now not 1. Also treat them better than your own kids. If your kid gets a samsung phone buy step kid the latest iphone. Give your kids bedroom to step kid and make sure your partner takes step kid out alone everyweekend so you ans your kids cant spend any time with him as a family. Oh and never ever punish them your not their real mom!

funinthesun18 · 26/09/2018 15:41

It annoys me that you're expected to treat your step children better than your own children, but then simultaneously "treat them all the same

I agree.
Just because a child has two homes and their parents are no longer together, it doesn’t mean they should be given special treatment at the expense of everyone else. Treat them equally. Keep a stable home for them. But don’t treat them like royalty. It sends out all the wrong messages to that child and to the other children. Hell would freeze over before I ruined my children’s self esteem in their own home by being some sort of martyr.

sockunicorn · 26/09/2018 16:24

i dont really think step moms do get a bashing, and there are some fabulous ones out there. And also some bellends. Like in everything.

However I disagree with your comment, Asked questions like "were you the OW" when it's entirely irrelevant. Thats always relevant to me. Whether stepmom showed respect to mom and child from the first moments is extremely relevant and can shape a relationship entirely.

GunpowderGelatine · 26/09/2018 16:28

I'll probably get bashed for saying this but why exactly should a step parent respect their partners ex? This is someone they may never even meet! Surely respecting the child and their OH as a parent is enough?

PawneeParksDept · 26/09/2018 16:34

I have noticed Step Mum bashing on MN

But I have also noticed a really alarming trend of "Stepmums who resent their stepdaughters" OPs

It's never the Stepson always the DSD and it comes across as terrible jealousy of a child and I find myself worried about that girl

As well as "Stepmums who wish the previous children didn't exist because they just want their DH to focus on their own little family"

I also want to shake them pretty badly

But in general I'd agree with you that DSMs get a raw deal on here and it's the sort of bellends I've referred to that have caused the animosity

Executiveappointments · 26/09/2018 16:37

Is it time to set up SMN?

mydietstartsmonday · 26/09/2018 16:42

I am a fantastic Step mum even if I say so myself.

Spanglyprincess1 · 26/09/2018 16:42

It's 50:50 tbh and the people who are also stepmoms give some helpful advice. Hoenstly the dsd bit is because of daddy's princess syndrome and I mostly the dp fault not the childs. My dp is strict with his sons but not his daughter, drives me mental as it's setting her up to fail in later life and it isnt fair on the two boys at all. I mean to the point she gets sweets but they don't, they clean their room and her room for her as it's 'easier'. She even threw a tantrum to get the boys bed as it was nicer and he let her - words escape me, his son was upset. Don't get me wrong she's a good kid but when she becomes a teenager she will be a handful of not given boundries - it's worrying as I want what's best for her.
I think as step parents, hopefully most of the time, we genuinely want what's best and often are fighting for the kids. Hopefully we get support on her to do that as I'm honestly clueless sometimes and trying my best.
I've become a mom recently and it's much simpler than being a step parent any day!

HesterMacaulay · 26/09/2018 16:45

I think you are being unreasonable to make that claim about the whole of MN and every SM issue.
But I have absolutely seen examples of what you are talking about.
Just I have seen examples of equally knee-jerk "ex" bashing.
What happens too often is some posters take up a default position and will only see things from that perspective and are not open to alternatives.
There are blinkered and angry SM posters just as there are blinkered and angry exes posting.

Faerie87 · 26/09/2018 17:12

Yep I’ve seen it too!

You have one issue with your step kids and you’re immediately the worst person in the world who should immediately give your own kids up for adoption and concentrate fully on your step kids! Ok! A bit of an exaggeration!

No matter how much time love support you have given to your step kids, no matter how many times you have comforted them while they are ill, you will never be good enough!

Sorry I’ve seen it and been a victim of it on mumsnet too! Needless to say I’ve learnt my lesson, I won’t do a op on step kids again, I try to see if any one else is brave enough to post similar issues that I’m having :-)

OllyBJolly · 26/09/2018 17:19

I think if a step parent comes on complaining about the partners' kids then yes, they do get a lot of bile directed to them. Outside of that I don't see a lot of "stepmum hate".

However, when my kids were teens, I would have happily given them away so I do have a lot of sympathy with people who get with partners with teens. Must be doubly hard when they're not your own.

My daughters have the most wonderful stepmum. She is a fabulous role model and it is simply wonderful knowing there is someone who loves and cares for my children as much as I do. She was a great support during the teens.

Ex and I often joke that our DPs make for far better parents than either of us.

SemperIdem · 26/09/2018 17:20

I don’t think there is a universal hatred of step mothers on here. Though there are a special few posters who think you should remain alone for life should your relationship with the father/mother of your children break down.

I’m someone’s step child, have been for 20 years. I have noticed that some of the most toe curlingly twatty, entitled posts I have ever seen regarding children have been made by step mum’s. Which is unfortunate because it doesn’t reflect the majority.

Whatwhatt · 26/09/2018 17:34

I do see what you mean on some threads I have read here. Though I did get support when I posted my own.

It's so often a thankless role. Yes I knew I was getting in a relationship with a man with children. I've loved those children and treated them with nothing but care and kindness and we get on extremely well. I've been expected to muck in when needed with looking after, pick ups etc.. yet I still don't fair well enough to share in any of the 'good bits'. Getting told not to come to birthday parties for example. It's really sad sometimes!

MistressDeeCee · 26/09/2018 18:00

What about the numerous posts on here where stepmums rage at and about their step daughter, the tone used is as if their step daughter is a woman their own age, i.e. an equal adversary who is battling them, as opposed to a small child. Horrible.

9 times out of 10 the issues really stem from the husband not sorting out what he should in terms of family dynamics, but all the rage goes on to his child, not him, as if he's the great He Who Must Not Be Disturbed

& it's never a little step son they complain about it's always a step daughter

HardofCleaning exactly. ExH remarried years ago. Our 2 DDs would visit but no space was made for them even tho there was a spare room. & ExH's wife wasn't particularly friendly to them which I found very hurtful.

Now that DDs are grown up, ExH seems sad and bewildered that they don't really have a relationship with him. They're ok about him but they don't visit him and they don't get excited if they know he's going to be in our area.

Conversely ExH has 3 children with his wife, they and my 2 get on with very well as stepsiblings. I get on well with them too. I made an effort to because they are brothers and sister to my 2. That's what matters.

When the 3 of them visit us there's only one spare room and if they need to sleepover than they all pile in there's no fuss no problem.

& it's fully kitted out as a bedroom. no excuses such as I've seen on here previously & also happened to my 2 'oh we've a spare room but it's dusty, full of boxes etc. Nah - it's for child's dad to sort it out and make it a bedroom, not for his wife to come along and defend him failing to do so.

Everyone has their own story what's the point of generalising that stepmums are flamed? Some mums are great some mums are not so great. That applies whether a stepmum or not you don't get a pass

stegosauruslady · 26/09/2018 18:11

Well, Step-mothers are 'less than' 'real mums'. Unless the child's mother isn't around, then they do have a different role to the child's mother and should be careful about where the boundaries are.

I think that often, on the step parenting threads I have read, the issue is that the child's Dad is a bit crap and the Step mother simply doesn't have the relationship to the children that is necessary to take up the slack. Not her fault, step parenting is incredibly difficult!

Blueberriesandbananas · 26/09/2018 18:17

I've lost count of the amount of times I've read on MN where ex wives are deemed to be 'crazy' by step mums.

Original poster

flamingofridays · 26/09/2018 18:42

bananas some ex wives are crazy but nobody EVER believes that.

OP posts:

scarlettoftheseas · 26/09/2018 18:53

I am a stepmum and personally haven't experienced anything but have read it on other threads, which does make me a little nervous about ever bringing anything up

However, what drives me mad is when people aren't married to their dp - but have been together a substantial amount of time and live together etc and people attack the hell out of them. 'You're not a step mum you're their dad's girlfriend' 'you don't have a stepdaughter, it's your partners child' etc get over yourselves people

HesterMacaulay · 26/09/2018 18:57

flamingofridays you have just demonstrated what is so frustrating about your perspective and approach:

bananas some ex wives are crazy but nobody EVER believes that.

Your claim that "nobody EVER believes" that some exes are "crazy" is just ridiculous.

Sweeping statements like that sound like the exaggerated wails of a teenager "nobody likes me!" "everybody hates me" "Nobody loves me" .

You want balanced responses to SMs but resort to wild generalisations in your arguments.

bringincrazyback · 26/09/2018 19:01

Haven't had time to RTFT but I agree with you OP. I've had a bad experience posting as a stepmum myself.

RavenWings · 26/09/2018 19:05

I absolutely agree OP. There's a huge amount of people on this site who are determined to twist whatever a SM says to make her seem like the root of all evil. Whether that comes from their own insecurities or bad experiences or what, I don't know.

AlmaGeddon · 26/09/2018 19:08

I think some posters have unhappy memories of their own parents' separation/remarriage so are ready to condemn SMs.

Also the female in a partnership usually has a more caring role than the male so when a DSM appears she is more involved or possibly expected to be more involved with DCs who are not her own, than a male partner.
So it is more of a minefield than for the DF/DSF.

Original poster

flamingofridays · 26/09/2018 19:10

hester ok then id say the chance of anyone on MN believing you when you claim the ex is crazy is slim to none.

OP posts:

HesterMacaulay · 26/09/2018 19:23

*hester ok then id say the chance of anyone on MN believing you when you claim the ex is crazy is slim to none."

flamingo that is just bollocks. There are many really supportive threads to SMs and many times the DM or an ex is deemed batshit or controlling and many other negative things. You are so blinkered in your sense of injustice that you can't / won't see them.

Do I think SMs sometimes get a get an unreasonably hard time - yes I do! But that doesn't mean that the entire posting membership of MN is anti SM or universally pro exes.

Do I also fundamentally disagree with what some SMs post - yes I do. But that doesn't make me think that all SMs are fundamentally wrong.

YeTalkShiteHen · 26/09/2018 19:37

Honestly? I think it comes down to the post itself and also who is on at the time. Sometimes it does seem very loaded against SMs and it feels like some very bitter first wives are on that day. Other times the SM posts using really awful emotive language, and clearly despises their SC, and they rightly get a roasting. Sometimes it’s a really beneficial thread for the OP in times of struggle with some useful advice and solidarity.

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