to think that if you're a step mum on mumsnet you will invariably be hated?

[flamingofridays]

I am getting sick and tired of the shit that most step mums get on this site.

It literally doesn't seem to matter what the step mum has or has not done, what her AIBU or post is about, she is flamed by the posters of MN.

Asked questions like "were you the OW" when it's entirely irrelevant and told "you knew what you were getting yourself into" which, lets face it, nobody does right at the start of a relationship.

it just seems that step mums cant do right for doing wrong, and on MN they've no chance of getting much if any support.

AIBU to think that a lot of posters on MN think that step mums are lesser beings than real mums and its totally ok to rip them to shreds at any opportunity?

I also think that the first few responses set the tone for the thread. If you get a few people freaking out, insinuating SM is a monster/child stealing witch/ abusive for not wanting to buy the SC a pony, then more seem to appear from nowhere.

I've been on mumsnet for a year. When I joined I was in a vulnerable place regarding the dynamics of my relationship with my sc. I have changed a lot in the last year and how I feel about my sc has changed. I have a very positive relationship with both of them.
I am slightly different sm in the respect that I live with and care for the children on a full time basis.
Mumsnet helped me on my journey towards accepting the challenges of my new life and getting through a very tough time. I was told to run away and never come back. I did leave very briefly and that's when I realised just how much I love the kids.
My DP hates mumsnet with a passion and feels that the advice and attitudes sm get on here warped me and made me over think everything to the point I drove myself crazy.
The general consensus of you knew what you were getting yourself into is absolute bollocks!! You don't. I defy anyone to know what the fuck they are doing when it comes to another person's children. ESPECIALLY if you don't have children of your own. It really upsets me what a bad press we get.
But then at the same time there are some terrible terrible posters. I can think of 2 in particular. Who don't give a flying rats ass about the children and they give us a really bad name. It drives me nuts. I try so so so hard all the time and I sometimes need to know I'm doing the right thing which is why I come here.

hester im not blinkered at all. I am however allowed an opinion.

My DP hates mumsnet with a passion and feels that the advice and attitudes sm get on here warped me and made me over think everything to the point I drove myself crazy.

Similar happened to me for a while.
Thankfully I just take most comments on here with a pinch of salt now and don’t let them influence me in real life. I’ll still challenge comments that I think are completely ridiculous and batshit though. Things like second wives shouldn’t be allowed to claim tax credits for her children because the first wife is already claiming for 2 children. That kind of stuff boils my piss.

@Herondaleducks - I know exactly where you are coming from, before the birth of my first child I asked for advice about my SC as I was struggling to cope with juggling everything. I found I was getting annoyed way too easily at silly things (mostly with my OH) I probably phrased things all wrong but I got some vile responses such as “you hate your step children!” (I don’t, I love them to bits and think the world of them!) “You should not be allowed to have kids!” “you’re a shit parent”. These types of responses made me really ill before the birth of my baby and contributed to some depression when I had my baby :-( I felt I was not good enough to have a LO of my own. I probably read way too much into it and as PP have said many of the people who were horrible twisted what I wrote and projected their own shitty experiences on to my circumstances. There was also some really nice posters who stuck up for me and tried to reason with the vile people by saying that they were twisting what i was saying the nice posters also told me to ignore the bitter women! Unfortunately you tend to believe the shitty things about yourself then the good :-(

I would like to thank the OP @flamingofridays as your thread has made me feel a lot better to know it wasn’t just me and that other step parents get a shit time on here too! Not that step parents or any parent for that matter should get a shit time when all they are trying to do it their best! Xx

flamingo of course you are totally allowed an opinion.

What I challenged was you making a sweeping statement as if it was a fact.

I love my Step-mum!! She has been with my dad since I was 2 and she is just like a second mother to me! Never let anyone else's opinions damage your bond with your step children

Tbh I think that nobody could possibly comment on this thread in any other capacity than to agree with the OP without potentially being accused of e.g. being an ex wife or similar.

IME while there are ex’s who take the whole boundary issue to a whole different level and are often supported in doing so and while there are undoubtedly crazy ex’s out there, there is also a very prevalent trend from SM’s around how it must always have been the ex who poisoned the DC against them; how she claims all the maintenance she can even though she clearly doesn’t need it; how she is the one stopping the kids from visiting and the list goes on. And IMO it’s convenient for the men to allow these women to keep believing the stuff they spout because the less the ex and the new partner have to do with each other the less likely it is to emerge what kind of man he *really is.

Also, it is generally in women’s nature to put their own children first and as such women are IME less likely to be as accepting of incoming children because the men they are with rarely challenge this view.

My DC hates my ex’s DP because she is pure poison, she was nice to everyone literally until she moved in with him and then she changed almost overnight into a bitter money-obsessed woman, but this was not helped by the fact that my ex Gaslighted her into believing that I was slagging her off to him when this never happened.

But they have had blazing rows in public where she has slagged me off, and consequently my DC refuse to have anything to do with her. And before anyone seeks to blame me, she has also pretty much cut out all of ex’s extended family as well so her motives are very clear.

The result is that DC have very little to do with their dad or his subsequent children and don’t even consider them to be siblings even though they are.

That doesn’t mean that I think that all SM’s are the same as her but she is definitely in a league of her own.

There was also some really nice posters who stuck up for me and tried to reason with the vile people by saying that they were twisting what i was saying the nice posters also told me to ignore the bitter women! Unfortunately you tend to believe the shitty things about yourself then the good :-(

Faerie87 That reallys strikes a cord. Sadly the impact of negative comments far outweighs the neutral or positives. And when you are in a difficult or emotional situation the foul comments are even more devastating.

I hate the fact that so many of you have experienced that feeling as SMs on MN. And of course that includes you flamingo

But it's not limited to SMs. Most of us can relate to that. There are many threads I've read with horror as poster after poster piles in to add unnecessary nastiness. The trouble is, MN is robust and forthright and we all have different tolerance levels of when it goes 'too far'.

Diamonds
Your experience with your dc's step mum sounds like mine.

She was friendly at first, but as soon as she had a ring on her finger she became extremely nasty and tried her best to keep my dd's away from their dad.
I could go into so much that she's done to my dc's, but I would out myself, and the only way to sum her up in a nutshell is that she's vile.

You must love and bow to everything step kid says and does even if its outright rude nasty or dangerous because the poor poppet has 2 families now not 1
It's words like these that personally makes me react. It is so full of resentment and I can't imagine that anyone thinking them wouldn't express their feelings even if non verbally only.

Yes kids of separated parents have a lot more to cope with. Some deal with it fine, others find it harder. Yes it is hard emotionally when you don't get to see a parent you love dearly for two weeks. Yes it is hard when other kids get to spend more time with that loving parent more than you. Yes it is hard when you see the two parents you love acting so hateful or critical to ea hvother. Yes it is hard having to fit in a family with people you hardly know and yes it is hard when you are used to certain expectations in terms of discipline and then have to adjust to different expectations when someone you don't particularly care impose these changes.

Of course that shouldn't mean compensating with materialistic possessions but a bit more understanding rather than criticism and negativity goes a long way towards enabling adaptation and respect. That's the bit that I found often lacking from SMs posts and personally I belive the main reason why they are getting disrespected.

I agree with you OP. I think there are a lot of angry ex-wives on MN and a lot of projection! I wonder at the disdain you see for the woman who was stupid enough to take on the ex - as if they didn’t make the same mistake themselves the first time around.

It's words like these that personally makes me react. It is so full of resentment and I can't imagine that anyone thinking them wouldn't express their feelings even if non verbally only

But that is someones reaction to the posts on this site. Not towards the children in real life. My step child doesnt expect to rule the roost. We all have mutual respect for each other and its fine. Fundamentally i agree with what a pp said, thats whats expected of a step mum on here.

I resent the posts on here not the children in real life. I imagine its the same for many.

swingofthings yes, you can tell the difference almost immediately from the posters who care for their SC but are just struggling to those who clearly have a lot of resentment.

My SC wind me up to no end some times, no more than my own children will when I have them I imagine, but after a cool off and maybe a bit of a rant to myself it's all over and I never stop loving them.

I think some SM can be made to feel guilty for having perfectly normal feelings towards a child. Meaning, if said child is being difficult they may feel awful for thinking 'god this kid is doing my head in!!' but I believe those feelings are completely normal. They are my partners actual children and I know they wind him up too sometimes! So long as it never builds to something more, resentment, hatred etc... Then it's perfectly ok to feel fed up sometimes.

I think some posters on MN do give SMs a hard time when they don't say that their step children are amazing, lovely and no hard work at all 100% of the time! Kids are hard work, they can be naughty, they can wind you up and make you feel like throwing your hands up and walking off sometimes. I think sometimes SMs are made to feel like they aren't allowed to have these thoughts otherwise they are evil witches who hate the children!

Sometimes SMs do get a hard time.

The ones that refer to the childs Mother as 'birth mum' or BM are asking for a backlash though.

Yes I hate that 5bobaweek

I actually hate calling myself a step mum. I only ever use the phrase on here because it's easier. I never refer to myself as it in real life. I call them my mini mates instead ha.

I think as well a lot of posts are from people who havent been in this siuation and whilst they're allowed an opinion, and sometimes its nice to have an "outsiders" perspective, i think sometimes the posts are actually unhelpful and sometimes a bit demoralizing. Its not always as easy as "just being understanding" i personally know a couple of women who have done a lot for their step children (now young adults) and have had it thrown back in their face. They've been the most patient understanding individuals and put themselves last for years and they still dont get the respect they deserve.

I dont think that many people take into account that the other parent has a huge influence and especially if they spend a lot of time with that parent their behaviour is going to be influenced whether that's in a good way or a bad way. You can have as much understanding as you like but if the child is having a message like "shes not your mum you dont have to listen to her" drilled into them the other 5 days a week, its not going to be easy. That really is the reality for a lot of step parents.

Even now whilst me and dss get on, he will come home in a bad mood from his mums because she will have been talking about me or his dad in a negative way. She still cant/wont be in a room with us after all this time and its sad because it does affect dss and will continue to into adulthood. She is entirely oblivious to this.

Its often a lot more complex than people realise and its really really hard to get the balance right.

I agree whatwatt. Maybe it is wrong but some posts are written in a way that expresses so much disdain towards the child it makes posters automatically react in a defensive way.

Maybe the style of writing is not reflective of the actual feelings but when certain words or expressions are used more than in the Op, you form an opinion.

To me the words 'poor puppet' is full of scorn.

I agree that there is a big difference between a SM who expresses frustration with a behaviour or situation which often is a common frustration experienced by parents just the same and posts that come across as the SM feeling utter contempt for the SC and/or their mother.

But again, i think its resentment to the posts on here rather than the child isnt it?
A lot of people come here to vent because they don't express any kind of feelings in real life for fear theyll be judged even when those feelings are entirely normal.

I imagine its incredibly frustrating to deal with a child, biologically yours or not, who expects superior treatment to everyone else.

Maybe but I still don't get why anyone would pick these words to express resentment on how SM are judged when such words will only promote the negative responses.

I'm my view even the word 'superior' has a connotation of contempt. It would be rare to have a parent posting saying that one of their kids has an issue with expecting to be treated as superior to their siblings yet it seems to be quit a common complaint for SMs.

As said I think kids of separate parents growing up in two conflicting families are indeed more likely to express selfish behaviours but what they need is more understanding rather than yet more expectations to blend in.

That's usually where the conflict arises with fathers frustrated that their partners can't appreciate this and SM considering their partner to confuse 'more understanding' with being a Disney dad over-indulging the child. It then becomes a vicious circle with the child growing up in even more conflicting confusion.

flamingofridays in my experience with my two SC, it's been posters on here who've 'expected superior treatment' for them rather than the children themselves.

Of course it's tough for them living between two households etc... And they should be treated with care because of that but me personally I've never had issue with the children expecting or being treated with any superiority.

I think that's a expectation placed on some step mum's by other people and sometimes the child's mother perhaps if there's a difficult relationship there.

The only possible way to thrive in a blended family is for everyone to get on and make effort to keep it that way. I've been lucky in that DPs ex has never (to my knowledge) bad mouthed me to the children. She's always perfectly pleasant at drop off etc... And it means the children aren't worried about and are comfortable getting on with me which makes my role so much easier too! There's times where DPs ex has done something I haven't agreed with but I'd never ever dream of saying anything infront of the DC. It would damage our relationship and that to me is the thing that glues the family together. It's down to all parties, Dad, Mum and SM to make it work I think. It just doesn't work if one is out of kilter.

swing I think that's a problem somewhat personal to you though isn't it. Superior is not a word that expresses resentment at all. You are just choosing to see it that way.

For instance, I could say my own child was being awful today, I could probably even say oh god ds is being a little shit today, nobody would bat an eyelid. But yet "superior" is an unacceptable word for which I deserve to be judged only if I use it in regards to a step child.

I think its also silly to say that full siblings don't have these issues, there are plenty of threads where siblings complain that one gets treated better than the other. That sibling will have come to expect that treatment. The parents probably don't post about it because they oblivious that theyre doing it.

and you keep saying "understanding" like it is the magic key to step parenting. like ive said, you can be as understanding as you want, it doesn't make it all magically perfect, that's a very naïve view.

I have noticed that you personally pretty much always comment on step parenting threads, and 9 times out of 10 its to say something negative. You seem to have a really big problem with step mums and the language you use, you seem to be actively looking for problems to pick out.

what yes I totally agree with everything you just said!

It's words like these that personally makes me react. It is so full of resentment and I can't imagine that anyone thinking them wouldn't express their feelings even if non verbally only

I don’t think these words aren’t a slight on the children themselves, but a reaction to the attitudes on here and in real life where people expect the stepchildren to be number 1.
My sdd is lovely and I we have been a family for almost 10 years now. But in that time I have come across attitudes from adults both on here and in real life where they think she should be treated like royalty over everyone else. My reactions to these attitudes are not because I resent her but because I resent their bullshit.

*I don’t think these words ARE a slight