to think that if you're a step mum on mumsnet you will invariably be hated?

[flamingofridays]

I am getting sick and tired of the shit that most step mums get on this site.

It literally doesn't seem to matter what the step mum has or has not done, what her AIBU or post is about, she is flamed by the posters of MN.

Asked questions like "were you the OW" when it's entirely irrelevant and told "you knew what you were getting yourself into" which, lets face it, nobody does right at the start of a relationship.

it just seems that step mums cant do right for doing wrong, and on MN they've no chance of getting much if any support.

AIBU to think that a lot of posters on MN think that step mums are lesser beings than real mums and its totally ok to rip them to shreds at any opportunity?

@flamingofridays

I agree. I've been disgusted time and time again at the extra shitty treatment of step-mums and unmarried partner's of men with children.

Much of it seems to be bitter women with an axe to grind. They probably don't have the guts IRL to address their issues with their exes new GF/wife so just unleash their fury at someone looking for support on here.

It’s insane to give a child a bedroom to themselves when it will only be used 4 nights a month, when they could share with a child their own age for that short time, meaning the two full time resident kids (who are far apart in age and have very different needs) could have their own space. Depriving the kids who live there full time of their own rooms whilst a bedroom sits empty for 26 days a month will breed resentment from the other kids too.
No matter what you choose to do kids end up irritated with each other or feeling “they get more”... not just in blended families but with full siblings too. I think logic and common sense need to come in to play and leaving a bedroom empty for 85% of the month is ridiculous.
I say that as a stepmother, biological mother (no kids with DP, from a previous relationship) and as a former stepchild.

@InstagramPork

No just No. It's not crazy for a baby to share a room with it's parents. It's recommended for the first 6 months anyway and absolutely fine for a year. Then you need a new solution.

I don't think you'd be able to have it as a permanent arrangement but the fact is if the child doesn't have her own room she probably won't want to come often or stay long (unless you're lucky and she happens to get on with DD really well). She'll always feel like an outside in her dad's home and not part of the family. There's no magic solution to some extent she's right she isn't as much part of the family as the kids who live there full time.

@Idontbelieveinthemoon thank you on behalf of all stepmums for your positive words.
I haven't hugely noticed bashing of stepmums on MN, OP, but I know some people have, and that's a shame.

Nice to see lots of us on the thread 🙂👋🏼

@HardofCleaning yes but beyond that there's no point having a bedroom empty 85% of the time when a child who lives there full time could use it.

I was a stepchild and always shared a room with my step siblings for the 4 days a month I saw my dad, he got bunk beds in my step sisters room, seemed like a good solution when there weren't enough rooms to go around!

In the long term I mean.
I suggested once our bedroom plan for our new house which required DSD’s sharing a bedroom (as they have always done at DP’s former 2 bed home for the last 8 years) so my DC who I have full time (their DF isn’t around) can continue to have their own bedrooms.
I was called every name under the sun on the SP thread for even suggesting my DD take precedent over SDs and has her own space as it’s her only bedroom, whereas SDs have their own rooms at their mum’s and only come EOW.

The house was bought by me and I suggested giving them the largest of the bedrooms (after the master suite which would be mine and DP’s). I was vilified.

Anyway, in the previous post we were discussing after baby is 6 months, what then?... is it unreasonable to allow the baby to have her own room at that point?
Of course it is and it’s ridiculous to keep that room empty.
Also we don’t know if the parent’s room is even big enough for a cot, my bedroom certainly wasn’t so when my kids reached a size they were too big for the Moses basket they were in their own rooms... 3 months for DS and 4 months DD.

Is it reasonable to allow the baby to have her own room*

Stepmums are actually quite far down the bashing list. It goes:

1. Single women who are having affairs with married men
2. M-F transsexuals
3. MILs
4. DILs
5. Their own mothers
6. Son's girlfriend
7. Stepmums
8. Donald Trump

There is a special category of person who can never do wrong. The award goes to......

Sons.

Ohhhh God!
I tick 4 of those categories @Disquieted1
I’m screwed!!! 😂😂😂😂

Are you Donald Trump?

Yanbu.

I've been here since 2006 and am/was a step parent. We used to have either a thread or post or something stickied in the step parenting forum to do with trying to point out we aren't all evil.

@Disquieted1 🤣🤣🤣🤣 spot on! Although just above Donald Trump I think you need 'single women who get pregnant'. Heathens, I tell you!

I used to be here under a different name.

I was given so much love and support under that name, as I had discovered my husband had been cheating on my wedding day, after I married the fuckwit.

There followed 2 years of single parenting, and again, MN support.

I name changed, when I met my now partner (I've since name changed again). After a while, I became part of the child's life. I don't appreciate the step parent terminology, but essentially, I took on this kind of role.

Any posts about this, or my partner (where I may have mentioned his child) saw me painted as a monster.

After a while, I realised... It's them. Not me. I've got most of the usernames who stalk the site looking to project on to others. They pop up regularly. They're the ones with issues. Not me.

Much worse for MiLs. (And no I am not one nor likely to be for a while)

Most step mothers I know are very good indeed. The bad ones tend to be the ones who want to start a completely new family as if the father doesn't already have children. The ones who already have their own kids or never have them seem, (in my limited experience) to be better.

Disquieted1 - absolutely right !! Very good. (My brother is very much a Son!!)

I'm step-Mum and I don't give a shit if people like me or not. A Mum is a Mum, if you are devoted to your children and love, care and provide for them properly, then you are a parent.

I think it's a pretty mixed response if I'm honest.

There do however seem to be some "triggers" to how threads go.

Using "bio mum" will result in a thread of vitriol - whatever the matter the OP was posting about.

Responses are equally unhelpful if the OP was the OW (reap what you sow etc).

There have been some threads that I felt were constructive, but as pp's have said there seems to be a sense that any SM has a responsibility to bend over backwards and not react even when sorely tested. The premise being "you knew what you were getting into" - when it's obvious in some cases that a situation has evolved way outside of the boundaries of what someone could have possibly anticipated.

I've never (as a SM) subscribed to the view of not disciplining SC's. We have "house rules" that all family members are expected to adhere to (simple stuff around respect, politeness, keeping rooms tidy, basic chores etc). Sanctions for not adhering to the rules are known and enforced by whichever adult is around - step parent or not.

That said discipline outside of "house rule" infractions is dealt with by the parent in question, but normally in consultation with the child's other parent - simply because they tend to be bigger issues and consistency is important in both households over more serious matters than a bed unmade.

It can be complicated to navigate, but it is possible - though to be fair some of the responses from non SP's (along the lines of someone being furious if their child's SM had done xyx fairly innocuous action - I remember one about the SM taking a child to school because the father could not - ohhh the horror) make me realise why it can be so bloody difficult. Damned if you do and damned if you don't for some people.

Likewise though I also seem some SM's over stepping boundaries (social media seems to be a area ripe for this - posting pictures of "me and my girls" for example and Mum being rightly pissed off).

I would however agree that SM's are lower down the MN hate list than some - though given how much many of us genuinely care for the welfare of our SC and love them dearly it's sad to see us making the list at all - but there you go, a few rotten apples and all that....

Sometimes it’s frustration, some op’s put themselves in difficult positions to which their is n’t an easy answer.

I agree that there are indeed some terrible step mums, same as there are some terrible mums and dads. I think a lot of nasty posts come from those who realistically don't have any idea how hard it is.

I can imagine it must be very hard to see someone else essentially parent your child while you are not there, but to me that is so much more preferable than someone who is not interested in your child.

I think, if you're a loving caring step mum who is genuinely trying to do your best and wants to be more involved, you get screamed at for trying to take over or fill mums shoes.

if you're someone who likes your dps kids, but doesn't want to parent them more just wants to be a friendly adult, you get told you're a heartless twat who knew what she was getting herself into and should leave for the sake of the kids.

Imo both of these approaches are fine, there is no "right" way to step parent and I do think different things work for different families.

I was originally the "friendly adult" and now I am practically full on step mum (except we aren't married!) because DSS chose to live with us.

I would like to say as well, sometimes Ex wives / girlfriends really are crazy and we know that because we have seen it with our own eyes, not because we have been fed lies by our bfs/ dh's.

I also feel that "bio mum" is sometimes just used for convenience, and shouldn't attract the hysterical posts it does. Its just a scientific factual term. I am a bio mum to ds, but not to dss. I cant get offended over that!

I can't believe the way step children get coddled, cuddled and endlessly "understood" by many on here. The most appallingly rude, entitled behavior in kids is routinely downplayed and excused on the grounds that the poor poppet is probably hurting inside and didn't ask to be part of a blended family. They may well be hurting inside but how does a complete lack of boundaries and discipline help with that?

that's another good point kokeshi - in my opinion it doesn't help at all. I don't think anyone actively plans that they will be part of a blended family! I think shit happens and you deal with it as best you can, there are some positives to being in a blended family imo!

It annoys me that you're expected to treat your step children better than your own children, but then simultaneously "treat them all the same"

realistically its hard to treat kids exactly the same because theyre all different. For example I cant treat DS and DSS exactly the same because they are 2 and 14!

Its mumsnet you have to take it all worh a pinch of salr i suspect a lot of people project massivly about their own situation rather than the situation described by the Op

Yes I agree. I never post about issues with DSD here but if I did I would probably refer to her as DD so the thread would stay on topic.

Yanbu op its insane on here with stepmum hate! If the op says shes sad because her step kid calls her a cunt and hits their steo sibling and trashes her house the MN collective always comes out in force to say: shes only 12 you have come into her life. Let her call you a cunt and slap your kids around and take over HER house (which she only lives in 2 days a fortnight).