Should I go to the governors after the way the head is treating my niece

[newmummy0094]

So I posted a few times now about my niece moving in with me after my sister had a breakdown.
For those who haven't seen the posts basically my sister suffers from bad PND and had a breakdown last week. My niece is four and has just started school. Me and my partner have taken my niece in.

So I arranged for me and my partner to go in and see the head teacher, senco and her class teacher last Friday. We turned up at the school and the heads secretary informed me that the head and the senco were going to be in another meeting for the rest of the day. Apparently the head forgot to put it in her diary.
So after we traveled 40 mins to school we came home.

So this morning me and my niece were in the car on the way to school and the head rang and said that she had rearranged the meeting for this afternoon but she didn't want my niece to come in until tomorrow. So we turned around and went home. I then had to cancel a load meetings because I had to look after my niece.
So I went to the meeting on my own because my partner was on shift. The senco was going through a plan on how my niece would be introduced back into school and how they would keep and eye on her when she got back it school.

Anyway the meeting was going well until I said that I thought she might struggle for the first few weeks back at school.
This is the part that I am pissed of about.
After I said I think my niece will struggle the head teacher then said 'well she can like it or lump it'
I was shocked at first and just said 'what'. So she said
' Well she has two options she can like it or lump it'
I just didn't know what to say. She was then saying that they wouldn't tolerate her being disruptive in class or acting up.
At the time I was too shocked to do anything. I just can't believe she would say that after everything my niece has been through.

I know this shouldn't make a difference but this is a private school that my sister is paying a lot of money for and that is how they treat us.

So should I go to the school governors or not?

Well done OP for being an amazing auntie.

Please consider sorting the legal side of things so you can make decisions for your niece. When your baby arrives, the school commute will not be sustainable - you need to find a way now to move her.

Please talk to social services/lawyer about getting the necessary paperwork in place.

And all the very best for the future. There is only so much of yourself you can give before you crack so look after yourself too.

BIl wants to keep her in shitty school = BIL takes her everyday and communicates with said school.

He sounds a right cunt. You need to look after yourself OP

What would happen if you just refused to take DN to the school?

What’s he going to do? Step up and be a proper father

Don't they have any school transport? Around here all the private schools have various buses that pick up kids from towns and villages within about 30 miles radius .Although we live in a rural area so maybe different in cities

Poor little love, the journey will not be good for either of you. If she is going to be with you at least a year then her dad really needs to step up and let her change schools.

I think you'll find 40mins each way twice a day will become unsustainable, not just with your pregnancy but actually with tiredness. We did a 45mins each way journey with DD (at 5yo and in Y1) for 3 months between house sale/purchase. It was horrible, plus it was also summer so nice sunny days too. Not helped by DH and I both working, so we left early to get DD to the childminder by 8am, then collected her at 5:30pm to drive home. Then with dinner, bath, bedtime routine, general wind down, it felt like it was almost straight to bed.

I would complain via the complaints policy, it will say whether you can go to the governors/board in the first instance.

I would consider getting some legal advice so you can actually parent your niece if your BIL isn't going to do it. Because you are not going to be able to pop a newborn in a car seat for 1hr 20mins at a time, neither when you have your baby or when you look after your sister's.

@FruitofAutumn
They do have a bus but I really don't want her to have to go on it as it would take an hour and a half each way for her. It means she wouldn't get home till six.

I would complain for sure. But I would also consider removing her from the school. Never mind her dad, he shouldn't have the choice now if she is in your care.
Would social services be able to change schools for her?
I just think with you pregnant, how will you manage to be in the car so much with a new born and also if you ended up having a section would you be able to transport her that far?
I hope your sister realises how lucky she is to have you!
It is a tough situation but you also need to think of yourself and your own health for the next while.

Gosh OP. What a great sister and Auntie you are.

What the head said to you is totally uncalled for, however like others have said, I'm more worried about the school and the commute.

You are her guardian now for at least a year, possibly more. You need to be able to make parental decisions like schooling whilst she's with you. If her dad can't be arsed, can anything legal be drawn-up to say you have decisions on schooling? Otherwise this is going to make a difficult situation 100 times more so.

OP if you do want to complain, the first port of call would be to complain to the HT. If you are not happy with the resolution then escalate it.

My guess would be the HT could deny what was said verbal.

Personally I would focus on getting the plan SENCO suggested in writing. If you have social services involvement, as you mentioned earlier. Ask them to carry out a needs assessment, which should include a plan of accessing education.

Your niece is 4 and she has just started at the school? That’s a mighty quick time for them to decide she is too disruptive and they don’t want her, as some posters are suggesting.
What specifically did they request that you said she might struggle with? Or was it just in general you mentioned it’s going to be hard for her (not being with mummy etc)?

I thought no you need to ask yourself will you be sending your own child to the same private school. If not and you would potentially looking after your sisters two children and they were attending private school and your child not then it would be an untenable situation. With priority in admissions you could get the best school available locally and that benefit all the children.

Your BIL can bloody well do one. He's forfeited the right to have any opinion whatsoever given what a shitty father and husband he is. What can he do if you pull her out of the school anyway? I suspect anything he could do would result in him actually having to get off his precious arse and look after his daughter, and I would tell him so directly - that for the moment you are her parent, you will decide what's best for her and execute it, and if he wants to get shitty about his "rights" he can bloody well step up to his responsibilities.

I'd be talking to SS about getting her moved to a school near you with a more supportive approach, and about the possibility of her becoming your permanent ward, I think. Her mother can absolutely remain in her life as a loved adult, but it doesn't sound like she has the stability to raise your DN and sadly her father appears to be a complete waste of space.

God your BIL makes me angry.

On the face of what you've posted, the head lacks empathy and is a total arsehole, the onlyslightly mitigating factor I can think of is they snapped if you were getting too heavy in your demands, but even then it doesn't justify it, and the mixing up of appointments is seriously unprofessional.

Overall I'd say the head is not keen to have your niece in the school, I'm sorry, possibly due to concern over resource demands, impact on other kids, and potential disruption.

The problem of going to the governors is you escalate a war with the head, which lets be honest, isn't going to incine them to treat your niece more positively, it will just piss them off more.

On balance at this stage I wouldn't go there yet, as tempting as it is. Your niece has to attend this school unfortunately so I'd try to keep the head on side to try to ease your niece back in and get max support.

Shitty, but there it is.

Honestly if they are not willing to support a young chikd in need this early on it really does not sound the best school for her at the moment. Your bil is not interested enough to care for her himself, or find a nanny or childcare to support her staying at home, but is willing to spend 1000s on a school she cannot attend You cannot be expected drive that distance daily in latter stage of pg or with a newborn, and dn will be exhausted. Speak to ss about finding a place closer by as you currently have no idea how long she will remain with you. If bil wants to retain the option on the place he can continue to pay fees.

I think you need to tell your BIL you will not be taking your niece to this school. 2 and a half hours a day with your own newborn and your sisters newborn is just not doable. Even if it was the best school in the world and completely suited you would really struggle.

If the father can afford school fees, he will need to organise a taxi service. Some of the parents at my sons school do this every day.

Goodness, I forgot you were planning to take care of your sister's new baby as well as your own. The travel isn't going to be doable my love, it just isn't. I think you need an emergency meeting with SW and the BiL to discuss DN's education, but that situation isn't going to be manageable at all.

You're essentially going to have newborn twins and a school commute of 3 hours a day. You know that's not doable and you need to get support to tell BiL that. If he can't move his position then know what? He can look after his own kid. He can't have it all ways.

@eco1636
I was just saying in general I think she will struggle with all the changes. I never said she would be disruptive.

@CountessVonBoobs
We are having a meeting with social services on Friday.
I don't know if I could take her off my sister permanently. If she gets better then she will want her back.

Good luck with the meeting newmummy.

I think PPs are right - if SS expect you to take care of both your sisters children, they need to acknowledge that the travel to your DNs school is unworkable and support you in finding a new school situation.

I don't know if I could take her off my sister permanently. If she gets better then she will want her back.

I am purely an amateur here, and perhaps someone with more knowledge can state what is likely to be best for your DN here. But I think the guiding principle has to be not what your sister wants but what offers your DN the most stability and consistency. From what you've said your DSis has been ill for your DN's entire life, at least a few times too ill to care for her for long stretches of time, and even at her best can't really cope with her daughter full-time. If there isn't a prospect of your DSis's MH being significantly more stable in the near future, and tbh there doesn't sound like there is, then I think the question of whether it's best for her to go back to her mother is raised.

@welshmist
I wouldn't want her to spend that amount of time alone.
I also wouldn't think it's a stranger with her.