Should I go to the governors after the way the head is treating my niece

[newmummy0094]

So I posted a few times now about my niece moving in with me after my sister had a breakdown.
For those who haven't seen the posts basically my sister suffers from bad PND and had a breakdown last week. My niece is four and has just started school. Me and my partner have taken my niece in.

So I arranged for me and my partner to go in and see the head teacher, senco and her class teacher last Friday. We turned up at the school and the heads secretary informed me that the head and the senco were going to be in another meeting for the rest of the day. Apparently the head forgot to put it in her diary.
So after we traveled 40 mins to school we came home.

So this morning me and my niece were in the car on the way to school and the head rang and said that she had rearranged the meeting for this afternoon but she didn't want my niece to come in until tomorrow. So we turned around and went home. I then had to cancel a load meetings because I had to look after my niece.
So I went to the meeting on my own because my partner was on shift. The senco was going through a plan on how my niece would be introduced back into school and how they would keep and eye on her when she got back it school.

Anyway the meeting was going well until I said that I thought she might struggle for the first few weeks back at school.
This is the part that I am pissed of about.
After I said I think my niece will struggle the head teacher then said 'well she can like it or lump it'
I was shocked at first and just said 'what'. So she said
' Well she has two options she can like it or lump it'
I just didn't know what to say. She was then saying that they wouldn't tolerate her being disruptive in class or acting up.
At the time I was too shocked to do anything. I just can't believe she would say that after everything my niece has been through.

I know this shouldn't make a difference but this is a private school that my sister is paying a lot of money for and that is how they treat us.

So should I go to the school governors or not?

Why is her dad not looking after her?

@TeddybearBaby
It's 40 mins each way so it is 160 mins a day. 2 and a half hours

In Scotland she would be considered to have additional support needs due to what's happening at home. She's essentially a looked after child, albeit by family and temporarily. Hopefully that gives you the confidence you need to stick up for her op. I wish your BIL was a bit more reasonable though.

light The DN might well have special emotional needs due to the disruption. These may show themselves by being withdrawn, or clingy, or cross, or hitting etc. The point is that the school needs to support the DN. It sounds like the class teacher and SENCO may be willing, even if the HT is not.

Just wrote what PP said which is a polite but verbatim feedback of the meeting. I am pretty appalled actually . OP not what you need but try and escalate . Heartless really

@Claw001
No she didn't give me a written plan just a verbal one.

@Dermymc
Her dad isn't really interested in her. He couldn't cope anyway.

So, if her Dad is involved, why isn't he looking after her ? It is ridiculous to expect you to travel 40mins there, and 40mins back, x twice a day, even if the school were excellent but clearly it isn't. If you and your dh are fostering your dn, then you need her education setting to be on board with what you are doing for her, as well as the very practical arrangements of physically getting her there. Not forgetting all the socialising she will be missing out on, living so far away. I don't see how your BiL can be dictating terms to you, if you are having her live with you. If anyone is the main carer of a small child, they need to be able to make decisions for them.

I think I agree that it is worth highlighting this to the governors. It feels a major red flag to me sadly. Given that the class teacher and the SENCO sound to be sensible and thoughtful, hopefully things will go well, and it is just the head who was being insensitive. However, I've had a child in a school where the head changed and things went slowly haywire over a few years - when my child moved after year 4 an unusual number of other families were leaving, and although in our case it was for a specific opportunity if she hadn't had that I was going to move her anyway. A year later that head left suddenly without explanation and I believe things got back on track after that! Your story might be a piece of information to add to a picture the governors are already getting. My other child had a tremendous amount of support from his school; when he was in a class whose teacher didn't really "get" him, other teachers kept an eye out, and further up the school the SENCO was successfully involved in helping subject teachers with a plan - behavioural issues were a mixture of immaturity, absentmindedness, and at times academic brilliance. Best wishes for managing things this week, and ongoing.

Ask for a written plan.

That’ll be really really hard for you, I don’t know if it’s sustainable tbh. I think your bil needs your support, I get that completely but I think he’s unreasonable not to help you with the logistics here. You’re doing a lot and you deserve to have some consideration. Not to mention the school (head) sounds likes she has no empathy whatsoever 😘

Oh gosh OP what a tough situation. Please try and explain to her father that a short term move might be best for everyone for now. How heartbreaking for you.

You need to speak to her Dad - that amount of travelling is unsustainable and what will happen when you baby is born - are you really going to make them spend 2.5 hrs a day in a car. You need to think what is best for your family unit (including your niece) and move to a local school - as Social Services are involved it should be straightforward.

@BackforGood
I would like to move her but if the parents don't agree there isn't anything I can do.

Parents or your BIL. You need to tell him not ask - why on earth is he not agreeing. He sounds beyond awful

I think given the current situation and the likelihood that your niece may be staying with you for some time, I would either look at moving your niece to a local school to you (with support from her social workers) or remove her from school until her Mum is better. Legally she doesn’t actually need to be at school until the term after her fifth birthday. If you are currently her guardian, then you can look at home educating her for the time being. Just being at school full time is exhausting for a little one of your nieces age, adding on a forty minute journey both before and after school is going to be physically draining! Your niece is not in a familiar, safe environment, the school in new and strange to her, meaning that there is no benefit to this long distance commute! Your BIL cannot have it both ways, if he wants to be Dad and make parental decisions for his daughter, then he should pull his bloody sleeves up and actually take on all of the responsibility! You are your nieces guardian right now and if you were not, she would be in care! Social services would not continue to pay private fees as well as pay for a long distance commute, neither should you have to (by this I mean the cost of commute as well as the physical to and fro of the commute).

@Quartz2208
I have another meeting with social services later this week so i will talk to them then.

I would look for a different school closer to home if you will have your neice longer term. The school does not sound very caring. If you were to foster your neice or become a special guardian to her then she will be a looked after child and therefore, in most schools admission policy she would be get priority for a place. You could therefore find a good state school nearby and have a good chance of getting Into even the most oversubscribed school.

Sorry newmummy - I haven't read other threads and obviously know nothing of the circumstances, so please feel free to ignore me, but just from this thread what you are doing isn't sustainable. It you are 'parenting' this little girl for many, many months, then you need the autonomy to be able to do that. Driving for the best part of 3 hours a day (even before I picked up you have / are about to have a new baby), every day, just to get this little one to and from school is just not sustainable. Even before you take into account they don't want her. But it would seem this is just today's issue. You need the autonomy to be able to make the decisions that come up each day / week/ month if you are to support her whilst she is living with you. Either her Dad trusts and respects you or it can't be sustainable for you to 'parent' her for so long. This clearly isn't the same as a weekend's baby sitting.

Are you becoming her legal guardian because if so:A guardianship is when a person (other than the child's parent or de facto custodian) has legal custody and control over your child. The guardian has the right to make all decisions concerning the child, and is legally responsible for the child. So you need to get this cleared and set up with Social Services if you can (and the courts) as otherwise your decisions would be questioned. Get it sorted with them and her moved school to one near you

@CaledonianQueen
I don't think I could home school at the moment as I'm pregnant.

I would tell the Father that things may not pan out as he wants because you feel the school would rather she left. That should stick a rocket up his tush. Let him worry about the loss of face.

That’s appalling. Ring your local authority and ask to speak to the virtual head. They are there to oversee pupils who are ‘looked after’ which I think includes children in social services approved kinship care. Also, joint National Association of Therapeutic Parents (costs £4/month) and ask to speak to their education advisor. Then write to the headteacher based on their advice.

She doesn't have to be at school until after her 5th birthday without any schooling - however that is not necessarily best for her or you. However she could attend a pre-school for a term until things are more clearer. She would still have structure and the company of other children but it would a more caring environment.

PS be very careful before getting special guardianship as it can impact on your right to support from social services should you need it. Get advice from experts on which is best.