Should I go to the governors after the way the head is treating my niece

[newmummy0094]

So I posted a few times now about my niece moving in with me after my sister had a breakdown.
For those who haven't seen the posts basically my sister suffers from bad PND and had a breakdown last week. My niece is four and has just started school. Me and my partner have taken my niece in.

So I arranged for me and my partner to go in and see the head teacher, senco and her class teacher last Friday. We turned up at the school and the heads secretary informed me that the head and the senco were going to be in another meeting for the rest of the day. Apparently the head forgot to put it in her diary.
So after we traveled 40 mins to school we came home.

So this morning me and my niece were in the car on the way to school and the head rang and said that she had rearranged the meeting for this afternoon but she didn't want my niece to come in until tomorrow. So we turned around and went home. I then had to cancel a load meetings because I had to look after my niece.
So I went to the meeting on my own because my partner was on shift. The senco was going through a plan on how my niece would be introduced back into school and how they would keep and eye on her when she got back it school.

Anyway the meeting was going well until I said that I thought she might struggle for the first few weeks back at school.
This is the part that I am pissed of about.
After I said I think my niece will struggle the head teacher then said 'well she can like it or lump it'
I was shocked at first and just said 'what'. So she said
' Well she has two options she can like it or lump it'
I just didn't know what to say. She was then saying that they wouldn't tolerate her being disruptive in class or acting up.
At the time I was too shocked to do anything. I just can't believe she would say that after everything my niece has been through.

I know this shouldn't make a difference but this is a private school that my sister is paying a lot of money for and that is how they treat us.

So should I go to the school governors or not?

A good private school will not shy away or turn a child away just because of additional needs believe me. Plenty of “good” private schools do. Even those who don’t openly do it, make it even more cost prohibitive by having high additional support fees. Then those who pay the fees and make it through primary are suddenly, quietly encouraged to leave before exams are taken. Happens all the time.

In Scotland she would be considered to have additional support needs But the Local Authority would not provide that support in a private school.

Would the fact that his dd had been to the school be enough for your bil? If the school looks like it is trying to manage her out, then he can say that he sent her there but that it wasn't fair on his dd to have to commute that far daily while she was living with you = perfectly reasonable reason for leaving the school that everybody would agree with. Very different from having to say that the school has booted her out or even managed her out due to circumstances with her mum or behaviour or even just concerns that she might play up later on... If you're pregnant, I'm guessing that you're really not going to appreciate lots of long journeys to this school over the next few months...

Given your niece’s early experiences and her mother’s breakdown, she will likely have significant attachment needs and will need a lot of care from you and her teachers. Please visit the therapeutic parenting page on Facebook, and think about joining that national association of therapeutic parents for loads of resources and advice. You need to ask the school if they have had attachment and trauma training. This is one of the best resources I have come across for schools: www.innerworldwork.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/WSLLIPS-1.jpg

Not sure that link worked... www.innerworldwork.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/Survival-In-School-PDF.pdf

But this is not a child with special needs, this is a child who has undergone a trauma,the same as a child who is bereaved, or whose parents go through an acrimonious divorce, or who witnesses violence. I would be ashamed to think that a headteacher, or any teacher would be so insensitive and show such poor understanding of of a child's needs as to say that the only way the school could "help" a child would be to shrug their shoulders and say "like it or lump it." It is an appalling attitude, I can only hope that no child the headteacher has a family attachment to ever has to live through a situation which needs them to show empathy and understanding.

Definitely write to them. If there is no action, at least you put a spotlight on the staff's attitude. It was many years ago, but my parents had to butt heads with staff at the private school they paid for me to go to. They got shitty about having to accommodate my physical disabilities, even though my parents were very clear when enrolling me at the age of three it was to ensure my education would not suffer due to all the operations i needed. You are doing a really wonderful thing, taking on your niece. I am sure it gives much peace of mind to your sister, also.

If there is no written plan but just verbal suggestions from the SENCo, you MUST e-mail a record of the meeting back to the school ASAP so that the agreed help is recorded in writing. Ask them to confirm back to you in writing if they don't agree with your record or with the plan, and state that if you do not hear from them, you expect them to implement the plan suggested by the SENCo in full immediately your niece returns to school. With only a verbal plan, and with you not being able to see what is happening in practice, you MUST have a written agreement about what is planned to refer to in weekly reviews. ALWAYS confirm any verbal assurances / agreements in writing.

Having worked in both state and independent schools, the Headteacher’s comments will reflect the ethos of the school. You should follow the Complaints Procedure of the school, but in my experience it is a token policy. Boards of Governors in private schools are local business men/women whose main interest is how to attract more pupils to school, produce better match results and find funding for the new cricket nets etc. It would break my heart to send a tiny child to a school where they could like it or lump it. Nasty!

I wouldn't let my niece or kids attend a school that treated a vulnerable child his way... not w bloody chance.. imagine how She speaks to them when you're not around

You have every right to complain as the HT was an arse, but will the complaint achieve anything? I once complained about a teacher and they all closed ranks. The other teachers, the governors, they were only interested in the reputation of the school. Do you really need to be fighting on another front?

It is a special education need.

I agree with Scunner that the head's comments will reflect the ethos of the school. I've also worked in state and private schools and it's equally true in both. Fortunately I've never worked for a head with such a terrible attitude.

I know this shouldn't make a difference but this is a private school that my sister is paying a lot of money for and that is how they treat us.There is an aphorism used on here that I think applies in this situation. When someone tells you who they are, listen. They are telling you they do not care sufficiently about your niece to 1. turn up for meetings about her wellbeing 2. support her at a traumatic time. Find a good state primary school (somewhere with a place may be easier said than done at the moment, in reception). And put in a complaint.

I’m sorry to hear about your sister 💐. I would keep the poor little mite at home, I couldn’t send her there. I know you’re pregnant, but I’d find a way. She’s 4, not doing her GCSE’s, spending time playing, cooking, counting, reading etc will cover what she needs for now...do some letters IF she’s interested. She mostly needs love and stability. I have no idea what the situation is with your sister and BIL but I’d be taking as much legal advice as possible and see if you can get guardianship of your niece. You can’t be dancing to that fuckwits tune.

Actually, yes I’d complain. My dd goes to private school and I got a really arsey reply of the head teacher when I just asked, in passing, about the parking issue as it’s horrendous. I was quite shocked and he hadn’t followed me outside to apologise I’d have considered talking to one of the govenors, his reply to me wasn’t nearly as bad as the one you got either.

if he hadn’t *

her dad's a right knob isn't he. I think long term 40 mins each way, especially when you have your baby, is going to be too much. I would speak to her father and say that if he wants her to continue going to that school he needs to sort transport. he's taking the utter piss expecting you to do everything while he swans off on business trips and does fuck all

With private schools, you are there by invitation, that invitation can be withdrawn at any time. ........ No, it can't. With private schools, children are there in accordance with an enforceable contract.

Her dad is showing his true colours what a horrible ungrateful man. You cannot do that journey everyday. No way. Is your sister expecting again?

One thing to consider is that if DN is in school 40 minutes away she won't be making local friends etc which will also be hard. unless the private school normally takes from such a wide area.

While not all private schools feel this way certainly some will be thinking well Niece is worth £10000 (or whatever it is) a year in fees, how much effort are we willing to go to and disruption will we put up with for just one set of fees.

Obviously some private schools will actually think of the individuals involved but not all.

@EachandEveryone
Yes she is pregnant again. She has a scan at the end of the week.

Her team think she will still be in hospital at that point so me and my partner are planning to look after it to begin with.

I'm sorry OP but your brother in law is the worst type of man. Prioritises his wife, doesn't care about his daughter and won't even give PR to the one person who does love this little girl.

I hope SS can help you get parental rights in some way so she doesn't have to deal with the expectations of such a nasty guy.

The Head sounds like she has no EQ at all. Your niece is 4. She's gone through a lot and is only starting her school journey. Glad the SENCO is being helpful but can't they put it into writing? Surely it's not enforceable if not wrote down.

Your poor niece and you and your DH. You can't do 2.5 hours a day with a newborn baby or when a few days from labour either. It's ridiculous!

This situation makes me feel sad and angry in equal measure.

Wow. That is dreadful. It sounds like they are trying to get rid of your 'so called disruptive' niece to me by making things as difficult and unpleasant as possible. If this is the case, the governors will do next to nothing. This is not a new tactic, and is well rehearsed by many schools. Possibly they have received complaints from other parents.

I am not condoning this, simply telling you I have seen this happen to other families.

If I were your position I would absolutely email them for an urgent meeting anyway the heads' behaviour was bordering on negligence. But be prepared that this may be brushed under the carpet. The cold reality might be that they are not prepared to 'support' your niece in any shape or fashion and lining up a plan B for her schooling would be very wise.

I feel for your poor niece, and can I say what a wonderful and courageous person you are. I hope it gets sorted out quickly for you