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Original poster

To wonder why more people turn up at funeral?

81 replies

Thisgirlcant · 23/09/2018 22:47

A 70 yr old lady I know has just died. She had a 70th birthday party in January which was quite well attended but not by any of her family who live down south (she lived yorkshire) most of her family are coming for the funeral.
Why do we all make more of an effort to attend funerals than parties?!

OP posts:
GlitterBurps · 23/09/2018 22:53

My personal experience is that people feel guilty that they didn’t make the effort to see them when they were alive, but this is currently a sore point for me. I’m sorry for your loss by the way.

ChishandFips33 · 23/09/2018 22:56

So sorry for your loss Flowers

This baffles me too - if they can't be there for people in life...

thegoodnamesarealltaken · 23/09/2018 22:57

Because they don't realise its the last party? Because it's the last chance they have to pay their respects and didn't know the party before would be? To me I think it's because funerals are finite, yet party's are not.

StoneofDestiny · 23/09/2018 22:57

Thisgirlcant
I ponder that too. I also wonder why so much money is spent on funerals - often people are buried in boxes that cost more than any piece of furniture the deceased ever owned in life. Money often appears for headstones, flowers and wakes that would have benefited them more by bringing comfort in their lives when they were alive.
A life/death mystery.

Sparklingbrook · 23/09/2018 22:58

I have also noticed that people seem to come out of the woodwork when someone goes into hospital. All of a sudden everyone wants to visit, people that they haven't heard from in years. Confused

Thehop · 23/09/2018 22:58

In the case of the one I’m helping with at the moment, it’s aytention grabbing on Facebook and a paid day off work

Gingercarrier · 23/09/2018 23:00

What @thegoodnamesarealltaken said. The funeral is unfortunately the last chance to show their respects.

bluetrampolines · 23/09/2018 23:00

And because parties can be dull as shit but a final goodbye is a personal moment rather than a social engagement.

heartofgold · 23/09/2018 23:01

sparklingbrook my mum just had a big cancer op which might have induced a thawing of relations between her and a close relative that have been really strained - said relative sent a thoughtful gift.

was rather taken aback when she said it was rather like being at her own funeral Shock

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 23/09/2018 23:01

Because we have birthdays every year, if it’s not convenient we have phones and Skype and can visit any day of the year. You only get one chance to attend their funeral.

BunsOfAnarchy · 23/09/2018 23:02

Because its final. Parties are not a big deal to some. But paying your final respects are.

Or guilt.

Id be more offended the other way round. If they attended the party for a piss up but couldn't be arsed to attend the funeral.

ShatnersBassoon · 23/09/2018 23:05

The obligation is greater with a funeral. Parties are definitely optional.

C0untDucku1a · 23/09/2018 23:11

Because we all assume we have more time.

I was invited to an old friend’s child’s christening but it was across the country (total coast to coast) and I declined saying not sure my toddler dd would manage the journey without the journey being hellish. His funeral was on my dd’s third birthday. Of course i went, while Feeling dreadful aBout not attending the christening.

ferrier · 23/09/2018 23:14

A funeral is a one off. You don't get another chance.
If you miss a party you can still visit.

onitlikeacarbonnet · 23/09/2018 23:20

I read an Anne frank quote tonight which resonated and might answer your op, Thisgirlcant

Dead people receive more flowers than the living because regret is stronger than gratitude.

Zfactorstar · 23/09/2018 23:25

Most people are going to assume that there will be more birthdays.

SleeptightDaisy · 23/09/2018 23:28

I hate this if you can't be bothered when the person's alive don't bother when they are dead. My nans step sisters pushed forward for a seat in the funeral cars pushing out dils & sils but hadn't bothered to visit her when she was alive even though they lived 10 mins at the most away from her.

Saracen · 23/09/2018 23:42

Perhaps they were not terribly attached to the person who died, but do want to show support to the person's close family or friends by attending the funeral?

I once went to the funeral of someone I didn't know very well. I wasn't fond of her - didn't dislike her, but we had little in common - and I wouldn't have gone to a party for her. Her husband was blindsided when she died unexpectedly. I knew him rather better, and I sensed that it would be a great comfort to him to have people turn out for her funeral. I went for him, not for her.

Bettercallsaul1 · 23/09/2018 23:49

Not always the case, OP. I have one close relative who was always there for parties, birthdays, anniversaries and other jollies but shied away impatiently from illness, funerals or anything requiring any level of selflessness. Just his personality and not at all endearing.

Babyroobs · 23/09/2018 23:52

70 is not exactly old. I expect they thought there would be many more and may not have been able to travel a long way for a birthday party. A funeral is different.

alphajuliet123 · 23/09/2018 23:53

Ask my cousin - she's managed to avoid almost every family get together for the last decade, always busy or on holiday or doing something else Very Important, even with a date fixed a year in advance. But give her 10 days notice for a funeral and she breezes in like the wailing frickin widow, gets photos with everyone, does a big FB status #lovemyfamily and then fucks off again until the next person dies. Weird.

viques · 23/09/2018 23:53

70 is not hugely old these days, and although it is a significant birthday so you would perhaps expect more of an effort for the family to attend maybe they assumed there would be others and other events to see their relative.

LuckyDiamond · 23/09/2018 23:57

People also attend funerals to support the bereaved.

So you might get close friends of the sons/daughters or spouse of the deceased even if they weren’t that close to the deceased themselves.

BackforGood · 23/09/2018 23:59

Maybe they weren't invited to the party (Folk quite often have a party for people who are local - they think other people won't want the bother of traveling half way across the country)

Maybe it wasn't very convenient and they assumed there'd be other parties (after all, 70 is quite young to die - it wasn't like it was a '100th')

Very often, people attend a funeral to support those who are left behind

People know it can be a great comfort to the close family to have a 'good turnout' at a funeral, and will attend for those still alive

Attending a funeral, or some sort of gathering after a death is something we 'expect' to do in U culture (and I suspect many cultures around the world). There is a sort of 'closure' that is needed as part of the grieving process. This doesn't really apply to a party.

Some people struggle with parties - with the noise, usually, and youdon't tend to get that at funerals.

TheLittleThingsLikeVodka · 24/09/2018 00:03

I’ve been to the funeral of someone I actively avoided seeing in life- a relative who got heavily involved in crime and turned into quite a horrible person to be around. I went to say goodbye to a person I loved once and to support my family

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