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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why more people turn up at funeral?

81 replies

Thisgirlcant · 23/09/2018 22:47

A 70 yr old lady I know has just died. She had a 70th birthday party in January which was quite well attended but not by any of her family who live down south (she lived yorkshire) most of her family are coming for the funeral.
Why do we all make more of an effort to attend funerals than parties?!

OP posts:
AlexanderHamilton · 24/09/2018 12:18

Puzzled - how lovely.

couchparsnip · 24/09/2018 12:19

My friend died at the age of 46 a few months ago. Over a hundred came to the funeral and she managed 2 of us for her last birthday and that was a month later.

It made me really angry at the time but that was probably the grief. In retrospect I realised people don't know it's their last chance to see them until it's too late. Then they feel guilty and want to pay their respects.

puzzledlady · 24/09/2018 12:26

Funerals are finite. Parties are not.

DontGoIntoTheLongGrass · 24/09/2018 12:33

My nan and grandad both died very suddenly. I didn't attend their birthdays or any parties with them due to an issue during my teen years I had with my grandad which I won't go into. No one in my family knows about this but it was abusive and has destroyed me mentally everyday since.

I attended the funeral to support my lovely dad who was devastated. I went, as a former pp says, to make sure the bugger was dead.

Racecardriver · 24/09/2018 12:36

A funeral only happens once. Unless someone is very sick or very old it is safe to assume that there will be plenty more parties.

Clothrabbit · 24/09/2018 12:45

Going to a funeral is often done to show support to the family who are grieving. So it's seen as more important than attending a party.

contrary13 · 24/09/2018 12:45

... my mother's gone to the funeral of a cousin today. This is a man whom she actively avoided during his life, and actually made snide comments about. A man who spent the last year of his life battling cancer, and whose heart was compassionate enough that his will (I'm told) states that his entire estate is to go to charity. My mother doesn't speak to 99% of her family, unless its to sneer and condescend about them. So. Why has she gone to the funeral? A few reasons. One is to try to guilt DB1 into talking to her if he and my SIL attend. Another is to have a go at her own elderly mother/sister if they attend. But mainly it's to make everyone know how successful she is, and how much more she has than they do. It's to rub their noses in it. To achieve this, she's driving a 400 mile round-trip - which is only because she knows no one will invite her to stay with them, so she has to pretend that she needs to rush off...

With her is my NPD daughter who inserted herself the moment she heard "funeral". She's going, I suspect, to post it all over her FB and Instagram sites in an effort to obtain pity/sympathy from her few followers. And will, if all other family events are anything to go by, make it all about them. She never met the cousin who died, hasn't met anyone else in the family who is known to be attending, and if DB1, SIL, Aunt and Grandmother turn up, then because she's with my mother, I have every inkling that she'll be ignored point blank, too (DB1 is NC with our mother, as is Aunt, whom Grandmother lives with).

So, in th timely case of my own family, it's to make themselves look better than they actually are, and to feel better about themselves, I'm afraid.

(I would have been in attendance, except for the fact that I'm not a hypocrite, as I'd not seen cousin since my Grandfather's sister's funeral in 2004, and I'm currently housebound with a badly mangled leg! I sent a large donation winging its way to a charity for the type of cancer which caused his death, this morning, instead, in lieu of allowing my mother to add my name to the ornate wreath she's spent a small fortune on, just for it to sit and wither away/create a mess for someone else to clean up eventually).

sashh · 24/09/2018 12:55

Just a thought.

When there has a been a 'public' death (I can't think of a better phrase, if you can please contact MNHQ for an edit) often hundreds of people turn up.

Many don't know the deceased or their family, but want to show support to the family. I'm thinking about Rhys Jones or when it has been police officers or fire fighters.

WheelyCote · 24/09/2018 16:51

Because parties or celebrations...suggest there will be another one.

A funeral means no more chances to have contact with that person. Time has ran out.

It's also a show of respect....they may not have been close in real life but still held them in high regard

Then there's always those that thrive on the emotion /drama of a funeral and the family members who wonder how things will be shared out.

EscapeToTheMoon · 24/09/2018 16:59

Guilt and free food.

kizzywizz · 24/09/2018 18:24

I worked in a nursing home and one of our ladies died, this lady never had a visitor in the three years i worked there. I went to the funeral with another carer and there was a crowd of people outside the crem, we had to go and check we were at the right funeral. There were 49 people there, it was nice of them to come and see her off but i'm sure the lady would have preferred to see them whilst she was still alive. I found it very sad.

Bluelady · 24/09/2018 19:48

It's incredibly sad, kizzy. It makes me angry as well as sad.

alphajuliet123 · 24/09/2018 19:51

That's so awful, Kizzy. I think the gob in me would have had to say something, shame the shit out of the lot of 'em.

Marie0 · 24/09/2018 19:51

Because you have to attend a funeral out of respect

Thisgirlcant · 24/09/2018 20:00

That's so sad Kizzy. I wonder where they all were all those years?

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 24/09/2018 21:17

Cynical me says to eat drink and socialise with people you probably haven't seen for years. Of course there'll be family and a few other people there who care, but that's it.

Funerals are huge in my culture. I intend to have a small eco funeral, I can't bear the hypocrisy of it all. I still recall my grandmother being ill for several years hardly had any visitors really, even people that lived very locally, but her funeral was rammed to the rooftops

StoneofDestiny · 24/09/2018 22:29

I worked in a nursing home and one of our ladies died, this lady never had a visitor in the three years i worked there. I went to the funeral with another carer and there was a crowd of people outside the crem, we had to go and check we were at the right funeral. There were 49 people there, it was nice of them to come and see her off but i'm sure the lady would have preferred to see them whilst she was still alive. I found it very sad. Exactly ~ respect for a person is worth so much more when they are alive. When they are dead, the deceased are not your audience. So who are you doing it for?

abacucat · 24/09/2018 22:55

I have been to a number of funerals in the last few years? Free food!! Really. Apart from a very small funeral where the 6 who attended had a sit down meal, every other funeral has been sandwiches and sausage rolls. You would have to be pretty sad to go to a funeral for a free cheese sandwich.When my gran died at 98, there were people there who were elderly and had not seen her for some years. They only knew about the funeral because of the obituary notice. They included a boyfriend before her long marriage. I thought it was lovely that they made the effort. I certainly did not care that they got a free sandwich.

MistressDeeCee · 24/09/2018 23:03

I have never, ever been to a funeral where only sandwiches and sausage rolls were on offer...

bigbean8 · 24/09/2018 23:05

At my grandad's funeral we had a "cousin" (who was only really related through marriage) turn up. Other than once or twice over the space of thirty years or so, she'd never been to visit my grandad at all. She appeared at my grandad's funeral, came to the tea and then afterwards posted a FB status to the effect of: "I hate funerals, I love the buffet".

busybarbara · 24/09/2018 23:34

Because everyone only gets one funeral so it's important. Going to someone's major birthdays every time is a major PITA!

abacucat · 24/09/2018 23:47

Mistress Maybe you move in a much better off circle than me. But sadly I have been to a LOT of funerals over the last few years, and apart from one very small one, they were all basic buffets. But they were not wakes, just a drink and bite to eat after the funeral. Sometimes at a venue, sometimes at someone's house. Did go to one with a much posher buffet in the family some years ago. But they had a lot of money to spend and the funeral must have been pretty expensive.

abacucat · 24/09/2018 23:50

Should add, have also involved sit down meals for very very close family/friends/people who have travelled a long way, the night before, or the evening of the funeral. But they were always people who were very close to the person who died.

abacucat · 24/09/2018 23:51

Sorry to comment again, but when I have went to people's funerals I work with, you are normally only out the office for less than half a day. Funeral, show your face at buffet and drink bit. When it has been close people it has been a long full day, so a sit down meal for those people makes sense.

DioneTheDiabolist · 25/09/2018 00:00

I'm sorry for your loss Thisgirlcant.Flowers