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Original poster

To wonder why more people turn up at funeral?

81 replies

Thisgirlcant · 23/09/2018 22:47

A 70 yr old lady I know has just died. She had a 70th birthday party in January which was quite well attended but not by any of her family who live down south (she lived yorkshire) most of her family are coming for the funeral.
Why do we all make more of an effort to attend funerals than parties?!

OP posts:
ToeToToe · 24/09/2018 00:07

A funeral is the last time you can pay your respects to someone.

My cousin has just died. She was younger than me. I have many childhood memories of her, and would have wanted to go to funeral, but I can't even do that because I'm 6 hours away, and my dh is away overseas on business that day. I have children at school, I literally can't do it. The point is, I doubt I would have been invited to her birthday parties (I never was) but it would've been nice to pay my respects to her at her funeral, because she was part of my childhood. Funerals and birthday parties are different things.

StoneofDestiny · 24/09/2018 00:07

I'm sure the old lady in question might have preferred to see her family acknowledge her birthday, than to have then come to her funeral where she couldn't see them!

MrsCatE · 24/09/2018 00:16

I hardly knew the deceased of the last funeral I attended. However, I am very good friends with their grown up kids. I went to support them; I took a day off and travelled a long way from my comfort zone by public transport and taxis. I wanted to acknowledge their grief and to show them them I was there to support them.

abacucat · 24/09/2018 00:23

As people get much older than 70, people do tend to attend birthday dos as they think - this could be the last one.
Also remember not everyone is invited to things. I organise stuff that I only invite people who live closer to, as I don't expect people to travel 150 miles for a 3 hour do.

abacucat · 24/09/2018 00:25

I have also went to funerals with my mum to support her at funerals of people I rarely saw, but that she was close to.

LuckyDiamond · 24/09/2018 00:27

I have an elderly friend. I attend quite a few funerals as her plus one (driver). Saying that I’m sometimes her plus one at parties too.

GabsAlot · 24/09/2018 10:49

because they feel guilt its for their own benefit im with you if u cant be bothered with someone for years dont rock up at their funeral like you realy care

sashh · 24/09/2018 10:56

Time off work/school can be a deal breaker.

I don't now if thy still do but when one of my grandmother's died I had to apply for a grant from the DSS to attend. They funded me to get to the funeral but wouldn't for a party.

Also remember not everyone is invited to things.

This ^

My dad has not long had a surprise birthday party (significant one) with family attending. I'd got in contact with the church he attends, no one from church attended the birthday but they did their own party in the church hall the following Sunday.

I know when the time comes they will be at his funeral.

Bluelady · 24/09/2018 10:57

It beats me. People turned up at my mum's funeral who she'd have loved to see in the last months of her life. I have no time for it at all. It's frankly insulting.

AlexanderHamilton · 24/09/2018 10:58

Becasue schools and workplaces tend to allow you to have a day off/book holiday for a funeral but won't for a party?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 24/09/2018 11:00

So they don't look bad.

ArtemisWeatherwax · 24/09/2018 11:04

Various people came to my mother's funeral who hadn't seen her in years - because she'd become a nasty alcoholic with a vague grip on reality. They came to remember the person they'd known before she derailed and they'd walked out of her life.

AlphaBravo · 24/09/2018 11:06

For everyone saying funerals are the last chance and parties etc are excusable, how about you treat every chance as the last chance? Because it might be.

Funerals are not the last chance at all. The last chance has already passed.

BarbarianMum · 24/09/2018 11:14

Because birthdays happen every year and you don't always know which will be the last one? Or do you go to every relatives birthday and see them each Christmas just in case? With funerals, you know you wont be doing the same thing each year for the next 25.

Shmithecat · 24/09/2018 11:19

A close friend (of 15 years) of mine died recently. It was unexpected. Despite the fact that we've lived in different continents for over 5 years, we remained close and saw each other on every visit home I made. Then there are 'friends' that hadn't bothered to call her for a chat etc for more than 2 years that live 5 miles away. My friend's mother decided on a family and close friend only funeral. All her 'friend's' were indignant. Two faced wankers. They didn't give a shit about her for the last few years of her life but want to faux grieve now she's not here? I hope the disappear up their own holes. I'm still angry about everything, in case you couldn't tell.

Snowymountainsalways · 24/09/2018 11:23

A party isn't essential or necessity and people have many reasons for not being able to go to the party (money restraints, illness and commitments) maybe they felt there would be plenty of other opportunities to see her, and did not expect her to die so soon (maybe they wish they had gone now even but not necessarily)

The funeral is the final goodbye and far more important than a party. It signifies someone's whole life and not just one birthday.

Snowymountainsalways · 24/09/2018 11:26

You can't live your life thinking everything is your 'last chance' it would become too stressful. I should know I lived like this for a while and nearly had a burn out.

Seeing friends and family as much as possible without killing yourself in the process so that you have no regrets, but there is balance. Gatherings
are good because you can see everyone together and in just one day.

Looneytune253 · 24/09/2018 11:28

To be fair if I lived 200 miles from a relative I’m likely to decline an invite for a party but would obv do the drive for a funeral. It is a drive out of my comfort zone (more so at night) but would think I defo had to if it was the funeral

Honeyroar · 24/09/2018 11:31

I disagree with the visiting in hospital bit. I remember, when my friend died of cancer, looking round the room at her friends wishing they'd visited her when she was bored and sore in hospital. I'd mentioned it to some mutual friends while she was in and they were all "oh yes I must go, I've just so much on at the moment..", they never made it.

My husband has been very ill this summer and in hospital for a lot of it. Again I've been amazed that many of his friends haven't visited. One of his close friends died suddenly this summer, yet his other close friend (they used to all hang out together regularly) didn't visit him all summer. I was shocked that he'd lost one friend and his other one was really ill and he didn't even visit. There's nowt as strange as folk!

Satsumaeater · 24/09/2018 11:39

Because it's easier to get time off work to go to a funeral? Just conjecture on my part.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/09/2018 11:41

Many valid reasons already given, but don't underestimate the value to the bereaved of seeing unexpected faces at a funeral

It wouldn't have occurred to my late mum to invite her window cleaner to family events, but it was still lovely to see him at her funeral. He didn't expect to be included in the wake, he said - though of course we insisted he was - he just wanted to pay respects to a very special lady

herethereandeverywhere · 24/09/2018 11:53

I agree OP.

This is a sore subject for me. When my nan was ailing and my mum was doing all the additional support and care (which was stressful and at times upsetting when nan's mind was going) mum's only sibling, in New Zealand, did not/would not come to visit as they 'could never afford it'.

Guess what? Nan dies and my uncle and cousin come for the funeral Confused

My nan would have loved, LOVED to see her son one more time (she only saw him 3 times in 40 years and 2 of those was her visiting him).

It left a bitter taste in my mouth.

NewName54321 · 24/09/2018 11:55

As well as the points already mentioned, people may have more than one birthday celebration with different sets of people, e.g. one with family and something separate with particular groups of friends who know each other, so the event you attend is not reflective of their whole social life.

A funeral is a single event that everyone turns up to, including neighbours, extended family, people supporting the bereaved, and those who knew the deceased in a professional capacity or from many years ago, whom you might not invite to a birthday party.

cdtaylornats · 24/09/2018 12:10

I've been to one funeral to make sure the bugger was dead.

Original poster
Thisgirlcant · 24/09/2018 12:12

I understand it now. I lost someone very close earlier this year and a few people came to the funeral to support me.
We always think there'll be another party!

It was a sudden very unexpected death too.

OP posts:
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