To ask for my money to be paid back?!

[newnamechange1234]

Ok, so I have a stash of money in the house, from birthday cards/babysitting money etc.

Husband asks if he can have some to use for something for himself, and says he will pay it back into my account. I say sure, no problem, just make sure it goes back in to my account. He takes £40.

2 days goes past and the money still isn’t in my account, and I ask him for it. We’ve just had a heated discussion where he suddenly remembered that he paid for our last food shop (it’s usually me that pays food/petrol/misc
House diy stuff- he paid this bill voluntarily) and that it came to £46 so he wouldn’t be paying me back.

I’m livid. He did this one time before and we had a row about it then too. More fool me, I genuinely thought he was going to pay into my account this time. I won’t make that mistake again. He then passively aggressively paid me it back apart from one penny, so think owed £50, paid £49.99. I went ballistic at him that time.

AIBU to just want my money paid back?!
I have that money earmarked for things and now have to scrape it from
Elsewhere. I told him this.

His argument is that all money is shared, that he earns more than me but pays more than me for mortgage etc, I earn a lot less but still spend it all each month on food/ fuel.

I would say the proportions would be the same, of what each of us earns, we both pay 90% each month, on something for us both.

So, Not true figures but for the sake of a nice round number, imagine he earns 1,000 a month he pays 900 on stuff for us both.
Imagine I earn 100 but pay 90 on stuff for us both.

My argument is that we both earn, we both pay a similar percentage on stuff for us both. That money was my personal stash, he said he would pay it back, so therefore he should.

I never spend anything on myself, all money I spend is for us both. The money he took was to pay for a treat for himself and he didn’t have time to go to the cash point first-it was a scheduled appointment, he was running late.

Not that its particularly relevant, but I do 99% of all childcare stuff in the house too, including 100% of nighttime wake ups. Of which there can be anything from 3-6 per night. Plus working 4 long days a week, and all the early morning get ups. Our son is 10 months old, I have had two lie ins,

If he’s so concerned about stuff being split half way, I asked him when we were going to start doing turns at nights? Yea, that didn’t go down well.

Apologies for the huge rant, I just want my flipping money back!!!!

Please tell me who is in the wrong? ( only wanting advice on the money situation, I know he’s being a knobend regarding childcare) thank you.

Sorry it’s so long, I got carried away with my rant.

YANBU

You don't borrow money and then change the terms of the loan to suit you afterwards

He needs to pay you back

This is money from presents not family money he ibu and should give it back.

THANK YOU- what a fabulous way to express it. I’ll say that to him next time we discuss this, if you don’t mind me borrowing it!

That’s like going to get a bank loan, agreeing to it all, then when the payment request comes in.....”ach, no, I paid money into your bank this one other time, so I won’t be paying now!” Like, Wtaf?!

Thanks for agreeing. I knew i wasn’t wrong, despite him insisting I was and that I was brazen and cheeky and should be embarrassed for asking considering all he does for me. 🤔🙄. Aye, because me paying nearly all my earned money each month to put food on the table, cooking and clearing away said food, laundry, ironing, cleaning house, all childcare and working 4 days a week doesn’t count as me doing anything for him, it seems. Prick.

Just pool all your money, like most families do. Both make sure you're contributing your fair share whether it be through paid work, housework or childcare.
Then you won't get furious over stuff like this.

My husband does a similar thing, its so annoying. We have a pretty good set up with our salaries, paid into a joint account then split the remainder equally as personal spending money - this is not an issue. We both also have small extra incomes - me from a small business and him from a sideline hobby thing. As he's been doing well, he's paid for a few family related extra things over the past few months (holiday spending money, son's new phone after he smashed his etc), very kindly and completely voluntarily and happily. Then he'll bring it up constantly a few weeks later and he clearly resents it, drives me absolutely mad. Just don't pay in the first place, we will find the money from our joint cash eventually and muddle through!

I have no advice but I'd be furious in your position! Especially as that money was earmarked for a treat for you!

Why does he get to opt out of all the childcare? Why do you give him that option? Does he think he can do whatever the fuck he likes because normally you let him?

He’s an asshole. Don’t ever lend him anything again. He has form for this, you said he’s done the same before. Don’t be a mug, OP.

He has just shot himself in the foot; as I usually do like to keep a few notes in the house for emergencies, and he would have be easily allowed to borrow some if it was paid back, to save him having to rush to the cash point.
He has reason to need money every approx 3 weeks.

Except from now on, the answer will be no way.

Yes some of it was present money, and some was earned by me babysitting until late one night. Do you think it makes a difference whether I earned the cash or if it was a present or should he pay it back regardless?

Why would you marry someone and not pool all your money/assets into a family pot?

The concept of my husband owing me money is so bizarre.

He should be paying it back regardless.

Anything else would seem like he was trying to find a way to subtly confiscate your money and therefore financially control you.

(More subtly than simply telling you that you have to give him your money, anyway.)

Yep believe me I have learned this time. Never again.

I suppose joint money would be a solution, perhaps. Might suggest that.

The reason he doesn’t do night get ups is he suffers from
chronic fatigue, and can function not too bad when he gets his sleep. If he was up and down all night then his health would really suffer to the extend of him probably being unable to work, and then we would be in a worse situation of hardly any money at all coming in.

He used to do all bath time routines and night times but somehow they have started to slip and it’s somehow ended up that I do them all. Not quite sure how that happened.

He should pay back regardless of how you got it.

@JupiterDrops

We had a really good system going when we were earning similar money. He paid mortgage/house insurance, bigger unexpected bills. I paid for all food, car fuel, council tax, holidays and anything left went into our savings. So it was a fairly even split.

Now I’m off on maternity leave, earning a tiny amount working from
Home. Just enough to cover food and fuel.

So, I guess the joint money pot wouldn’t be that evenly split now, as I’m only putting pittance into it now.

I agree with a few other posters. Very weird having 'my money, your money' and 'my husband owes me money.......'

Not a relationship I would want to be in. Sounds very childish and immature. More like flatmates.

Why are you solely getting up every night and doing all the childcare when you work too? Are you still EBF? This guy sounds utterly useless.

X posted

Is he getting treatment to recover from his CFS? Lots of people manage quiet well with CBT and pain relief to the point of recovery. I imagine you are feeling quite fatigued yourself

I am combination feeding, and he takes a bottle well, so could be fed by someone else through the night.

Anyway, I wasn’t asking about that, I was just wanting to know who was in the wrong about the money. Seems some agree with me and some with him.

Yes his Cfs is managed thankfully; he has mostly good days if he gets his sleep ok. That’s why I feel I can’t ask him to get up, but he does take the wee one so I can have a long nap twice at the weekend.

@newnamechange1234 why would you being on maternity leave change anything other than the two of you cutting down a bit if needed for the months you weren't being paid. Seems crazy to me!

When I was on mat leave it made no difference to our family pot- out incomings were lesser for a few months so we kept a tighter eye on the overall pot but otherwise both spent as normal and as liked.

Any salary differential is irrelevant to us, we both buy whatever we like and would never see it as me paying for X, him paying for X and so we each have a certain amount for ourselves. Don't mean this in the way it no doubt comes cross but it seems to juvenile!

Well that was a drip fed, you're off on maternity leave and he's working with CFS, so you would do more night time stuff.
DH and I have separate money as well as joint, I earn more than he does, at both contribute the same to bills and mortgage, I put a lot more in savings we use for joint things, eg I just paid for our recent holiday and spends, but it works out we both have the same amount of spare cash each month we pay our petrol, mobile and car insurance out of it (costs each of us the same we could just put the same amount extra into the joint account and pay from there makes no real difference), whatever is left we can then spend without justification or guilt, it's free money, he doesn't question what I've spent on a new dress for example and I won't query where the limited edition comic book came from, so if I loaned him some money from that pot for a treat for him and he didn't pay me back I'd be annoyed too.

Hide it. Don't let him know you have any cash

He thinks he's in charge of the money because you are on maternity leave and earning less - he interprets that as you having less money to spend, while he can happily spend on whatever he likes.
I think there's a lot wrong with this relationship: yet another man who considers his partner lesser than him.

Sorry didn’t mean to drip feed, was just answering questions as they came up.

Yes I suppose I could just tell him I have no cash, that I took it to the bank.

There’s no way he will be getting money from my personal stash again, that’s for sure. Thanks for all your help, I knew I wasn’t wrong.

Perhaps as a few people have posted out, we maybe need to have a discussion around pooling all our finances and then this won’t happen again, might be the solution. Good night for now, will check back in the morning.

New name change - I don’t think anyone has agreed with him?