To ask for my money to be paid back?!

[newnamechange1234]

Ok, so I have a stash of money in the house, from birthday cards/babysitting money etc.

Husband asks if he can have some to use for something for himself, and says he will pay it back into my account. I say sure, no problem, just make sure it goes back in to my account. He takes £40.

2 days goes past and the money still isn’t in my account, and I ask him for it. We’ve just had a heated discussion where he suddenly remembered that he paid for our last food shop (it’s usually me that pays food/petrol/misc
House diy stuff- he paid this bill voluntarily) and that it came to £46 so he wouldn’t be paying me back.

I’m livid. He did this one time before and we had a row about it then too. More fool me, I genuinely thought he was going to pay into my account this time. I won’t make that mistake again. He then passively aggressively paid me it back apart from one penny, so think owed £50, paid £49.99. I went ballistic at him that time.

AIBU to just want my money paid back?!
I have that money earmarked for things and now have to scrape it from
Elsewhere. I told him this.

His argument is that all money is shared, that he earns more than me but pays more than me for mortgage etc, I earn a lot less but still spend it all each month on food/ fuel.

I would say the proportions would be the same, of what each of us earns, we both pay 90% each month, on something for us both.

So, Not true figures but for the sake of a nice round number, imagine he earns 1,000 a month he pays 900 on stuff for us both.
Imagine I earn 100 but pay 90 on stuff for us both.

My argument is that we both earn, we both pay a similar percentage on stuff for us both. That money was my personal stash, he said he would pay it back, so therefore he should.

I never spend anything on myself, all money I spend is for us both. The money he took was to pay for a treat for himself and he didn’t have time to go to the cash point first-it was a scheduled appointment, he was running late.

Not that its particularly relevant, but I do 99% of all childcare stuff in the house too, including 100% of nighttime wake ups. Of which there can be anything from 3-6 per night. Plus working 4 long days a week, and all the early morning get ups. Our son is 10 months old, I have had two lie ins,

If he’s so concerned about stuff being split half way, I asked him when we were going to start doing turns at nights? Yea, that didn’t go down well.

Apologies for the huge rant, I just want my flipping money back!!!!

Please tell me who is in the wrong? ( only wanting advice on the money situation, I know he’s being a knobend regarding childcare) thank you.

Sorry it’s so long, I got carried away with my rant.

If he said he’d pay it back, then he should pay it back! Hide the money from now on (your knicker drawer is a great place, right at the bottom!) and smile sweetly whilst saying you’ve no cash next time he asks.

Hang on we pool money but presents are cash to fritter as we want individually.
In reality we'd probably both spend it on something that benefits all of us but in theory it's our choice.

Am I reading this right...you're married with a child, you're on maternity leave, so earning less atm, and you do "99% of the child care". You don't share finances (weird in your situation in my opinion), and he borrowed 40 quid of your money, which he spent on himself, and is refusing to pay it back because he spent £46 on a food shop which was I'm guessing for all 3 of you?

What a selfish knob.

Of course he should pay you the £40 back! Or if you want to be really petty, then £46 divided between 3 is £15.33 each, split your child's share between the two of you, so he still owes you £22.99.

But seriously, he has disposable income to spend on himself while you're struggling? That's terrible, probably technically financial abuse.

Hold on, are you sure that ALL household bills incl mortgage (you got your name on this or are you paying towards his house?) food, petrol, diy, etc is paid for evenly as a percentage of each of your incomes eg both 70%. Because to me fuel and food is definitely going to be more expensive and regular cost than diy/household (does that mean furniture/soft furnishings?).

If I had a penny for every time an OP came on here and it turns out they get chumped into paying for food and fuel and their partner decides they’ll pay for the mortgage (their money goes towards bricks and mortar/investment whereas your money would leave you with naff all if you split up) I’d be set for life. Be careful OP like I said there’s plenty of threads on here with similar set up where the OP has essentially helped feather her DPs nest at the expense of her own future financial security.

Edit: sorry just seen it’s your DH but I still stand by what I said. You both should have same % of your income to spend as you wish after bills have been paid.

Your money, his money, doesn't seem a good basis for a marriage.

My husband and I have one account our paychecks go into (or just his when I wasn't working). All the bills and family expenses come out of that. We also have a joint savings account that we keep for emergencies or large expenses. Then we each have an individual account. Each month, the same amount of money is transferred into these accounts (usually £70, but some months lower if finances are tight). These accounts are used for our mobile phone payments (so we aren't comparing costs), as well as anything we want to buy just for ourselves. That way, there's no issue if my husband wants to order a new game or I want to get yet another book or craft kit. Any individual cash gifts we get go into our own accounts. It's a really good idea that I'd recommend for all couples.

From what you say, you usually do the food shop, so if he doesn't pay it back, i would scale back the shopping to very budget items for a month or two until i recouped my £40. So he would be eating lentils quite a lot and there would be no treat foods in the house....

Think that those saying its joint money are forgettings its birthday money. No way would l allow that into joint money. Its to treat yourself with . Persumably from your parents or someone who wanted you to have it.
Yes he should pay it back as agreed.

Ultimately, the fairest way for partners to manage their money, is for it all to be paid into one pot, all the bills paid out of that, then any left is shared between a savings account and equal spends money.

I also don't get this split money when you're married or have kids. My dp and I share all our money. I earn more. But it's all family money.

Thats mean if its yr birthday money. Just hide it and dont let on. Well that was yr last £ 40 wasnt it??...... You could always ' borrow' £20 from him this month and £20 the next and forget to pay him back....

If you are on ML, surely the sensible thing to do would be to pool all money - apart from birthday money, of course, which in this case is definitely yours! If you'd been gifted perfume and a dress would he want a share in those?

He sounds like a selfish knob.

Aargh people can be so annoying with the 'its all family money' thing.
Me and my husband used to do similar to others - all money in joint and then £50 each for personal spends
He'd spunk his in a few days, moan about not being able to have any fun and ask me for mine. So I'd give it him to keep the peace. And not have any treats all month.
Except if he decided to take me out for a drink or whatever.
Hardly fair is it?

Joint accounts where everyone can access all money only work where both partners are responsible and thoughtful.

Fuck MYA, that sounds awful
Not being able to see your sick baby for 30 hours? Not having your DH there to take pictures for you, tell you everything that was going on? I would have been on absolute panic stations.
You sound like you're doing an amazing job coping. What a strong woman you must be.

Do you want to share more? I don't want to intrude or trigger you, but if you want to, do.
The worst part of birth for me was the loss of control. They were monitoring me throughout as high risk so I couldn't be in any position other than on my back, hooked up
The room was full of people.
I was pressured into a hospital birth I didn't want.
They took my baby away the minute she was born so I couldn't hold or see her, but I could hear her crying.
Everything about it is etched on my memory.

What you went through is so much worse, I don't know how you did it.
Well done!

Sorry wrong thread!

Weakened by the whole thing tbh. Is it a relationship? In which case talk to him and sort this pantomime out

I’m sorry OP but I do find your set up bizarre like other posters. You are married, share a child and yet are squabbling like teenagers. Can you remember your actual marriage vows?
Why don’t people automatically have a joint account when you’re married? You can work out the “T&C” if you want to ( personally we just share everything) I would feel I wasn’t 100% committed to the relationship otherwise.

“Tothappy “joint accounts only work if both partners are responsible and thoughtful”

How completely bizarre. Why would you marry/live with someone who wasn’t ?!

Also, if you’re on mat leave, it’s your job to be up at night doing the majority of feeds, especially during the week when your husband is working. If you really want to sort out some arrangement at weekends with lie ins etc that’s fair enough.
I think he is being petty not giving you the money back,but TBH you both sound as bad as each other. I don’t think things bode well for the future if you don’t work something out between you both.

PS I’m up with DC now, I’m working today but parttime. whereas my DH is working a long day so my DC is fast asleep. I hold no grudges for it!

My exh did this. I had put a little stash of money away from my personal money, which was considerably less than his, even though by worked 3 jobs and he had none at the time. He borrowed 40 pounds, never repaid it and then said i shouldn't have my own.money as it was for the family. This was after her had spent his. He refused to admit he was being a knob (great word). we're divorced now. All the money is mine and I couldn't be happier

Massive bust up about £40 . Just get divorced now.

I would certainly not be pooling cash with a man with his totally disrespectful and dishonest attitude to a loan.Keep your stash private and build it up -you may need it one day.

I don't get this idea of "his money - my money - he owes me etc". Why don't you just pool your money ? You are married - not flatmates. No wonder you are arguing about it, it's childish to be always divvying up what each one owes the other one.

Don't feed him for a week, and say that's because I don't have the money you borrowed.