To ask for my money to be paid back?!

[newnamechange1234]

Ok, so I have a stash of money in the house, from birthday cards/babysitting money etc.

Husband asks if he can have some to use for something for himself, and says he will pay it back into my account. I say sure, no problem, just make sure it goes back in to my account. He takes £40.

2 days goes past and the money still isn’t in my account, and I ask him for it. We’ve just had a heated discussion where he suddenly remembered that he paid for our last food shop (it’s usually me that pays food/petrol/misc
House diy stuff- he paid this bill voluntarily) and that it came to £46 so he wouldn’t be paying me back.

I’m livid. He did this one time before and we had a row about it then too. More fool me, I genuinely thought he was going to pay into my account this time. I won’t make that mistake again. He then passively aggressively paid me it back apart from one penny, so think owed £50, paid £49.99. I went ballistic at him that time.

AIBU to just want my money paid back?!
I have that money earmarked for things and now have to scrape it from
Elsewhere. I told him this.

His argument is that all money is shared, that he earns more than me but pays more than me for mortgage etc, I earn a lot less but still spend it all each month on food/ fuel.

I would say the proportions would be the same, of what each of us earns, we both pay 90% each month, on something for us both.

So, Not true figures but for the sake of a nice round number, imagine he earns 1,000 a month he pays 900 on stuff for us both.
Imagine I earn 100 but pay 90 on stuff for us both.

My argument is that we both earn, we both pay a similar percentage on stuff for us both. That money was my personal stash, he said he would pay it back, so therefore he should.

I never spend anything on myself, all money I spend is for us both. The money he took was to pay for a treat for himself and he didn’t have time to go to the cash point first-it was a scheduled appointment, he was running late.

Not that its particularly relevant, but I do 99% of all childcare stuff in the house too, including 100% of nighttime wake ups. Of which there can be anything from 3-6 per night. Plus working 4 long days a week, and all the early morning get ups. Our son is 10 months old, I have had two lie ins,

If he’s so concerned about stuff being split half way, I asked him when we were going to start doing turns at nights? Yea, that didn’t go down well.

Apologies for the huge rant, I just want my flipping money back!!!!

Please tell me who is in the wrong? ( only wanting advice on the money situation, I know he’s being a knobend regarding childcare) thank you.

Sorry it’s so long, I got carried away with my rant.

We are a partnership and work together his part earns more (full time to part time) my part enables him to earn more and have a family life. I wonder whether you also underestimate your part as well because it’s not just about income is it

No it’s not just about the money at all. I don’t even mean the £40, it’s not even about the whole incomes at all.

I do feel pretty worthless, because I’m made to feel that the childcare, housework and my part time job isn’t really contributing to our family life at all. But I can’t ask him to do more around the house because of his Chronic Fatigue. I guess I just want to feel appreciated. I haven’t for a while.

That was a very helpful post about the fact if it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t get to do his career without me taking up the slack at home. And him seeing what I gave up- he really doesn’t. Thank you for helping me see this.

Gosh, this thread quickly took a tangent, didn’t it!

See even in the 1950s when the women’s job was to be a home it was seen as a worthwhile role to facilitate the man going to work here you don’t even have that from him. And I bet you do a lot more to ensure he works with his chronic fatigue than most. Everything should be split equally cos I bet you actually do a whole lot more

Oh boy, this conversation will be fun. 🙄

For those with unequal earnings, how does a joint pool of money work then? Someone would be paying in a lot and someone paying in a little, then all bills come out of that?? And the remaining either goes to savings or spent on a treat each? Yes pretty much. He puts in money that he is able to earn due to your non-financial contribution. If he doesn't like that idea, suggest he stays at home with your baby and you go back to work. And see if he likes scrimping and saving and not being able to spend any money while you control the purse strings.

Hi OP, just because you asked about splitting finances with a partner who earns less... I earn about £1k a month more than dp, all money goes into 1 account. I then take out in cash money for £40 food, £20 each fun money, £50 petrol, £50 spare each week. Any money left over after bills have been paid in the month are left alone until next payday when I transfer them into a joint savings account. All money is shared, house is owned 50/50 despite the fact I put more into the deposit etc. It makes no difference who put how much in, it all comes out as joint. Of course, you need the conversation first though and a partner who is willing and happy to split like this.

Tell him much it would cost him to employ nanny, housekeeper, chef etc etc.

Add up all the income. Subtract all the bills (including typical food bill). Remainder is then allocated to equal fun money. As the lower earner, you add up how much you pay on bills and he gives you however much necessary for fun money.

For example. Imagine he earns 100, you earn 50, bills are total 110, of which you pay 45 and he pays 65. You should have 20 each in fun money. To make that happen he has to give you 15 because your 50 take away 45 leaves you with 5; his 100 take away 65 leaves him with 35. He gives you 15 and tah-dah, he has 20 spends and so do you.

If he isn't good for it, I would look to move 15 of bills to his account instead to make sure you get your 20.

Thank you, these are good suggestions, now to have the chat later tonight. Will be interesting to see what he says to this idea!

I agree that some of the responses on here are a bit annoying tbh. If your dhs are kind with money and share the domestic load fairly then good for you, but why chastise op for being less fortunate? it's not 'daft' of women not to realise that men can reveal this sort of attitude until after the birth of a child - this is a common time for these issues to rear their heads with the inequality in shitwork and income.

We have a joint account, both salaries paid in there. Mine much smaller . And a separate personal account each. All bills come off the joint account by direct debit on 1st of month. A set amount is left for food each week and petrol each.
lets say I earn £1k a month and he earns £3k
Bills are £2k
Food and petrol and savings £1k

£1k left - we get £500 a month each into our personal accounts to spend as we please. That is then OUR personal money.
I can blow £50 on make up if I want and he can go crazy in record shops.
Sometimes he will treat me to a gift or night out from his own account or vice Versa which is nice and it's nice to be able to buy each other presents not from joint account.
Any birthday money from others etc would be paid into personal account

If he or I borrowed from each others personal account, we would pay back.
All family bills come from joint account.

Your husbands being a knob if he highest order

This is how we do it

Husband pays all the direct debits/standing orders.

He then transfers "house keeping" to me to deal with the agreed day-to-day stuff e.g.. clubs, food, petrol, clothes etc etc.

I add my pitiful earnings to the housekeeping fund and we both have the same amount of "pocket money" to spend how we like.

That’s it……. easy!

You're married so pool all your money together.

Did you talk to him about it OP?

Just an update....

So yesterday when we were having tea he suddenly announced to himself “ oh yea I meant to do that thing...”
And picked up his phone. He without prompting paid the money into my account, and then told me to check it had gone through ok.

I thanked him for repaying and asked it we could come to some sort of agreement/ solution so this doesn’t happen again.

We have agreed that joint account would help a lot, so will get this done ASAP. Fingers crossed this will be the last episode!

And we had a long talk about how I feel unappreciated and he said he is sorry that he made me feel that way and will do more to help out in future.

So all in all, a positive outcome!

That sounds positive- do you think he's genuinely had a change of heart, or is it empty words?

No, I think he is genuine. He had no idea that’s how I was feeling, and felt bad I had been feeling that way for some time.

I guess time will tell.