To ask for my money to be paid back?!

[newnamechange1234]

Ok, so I have a stash of money in the house, from birthday cards/babysitting money etc.

Husband asks if he can have some to use for something for himself, and says he will pay it back into my account. I say sure, no problem, just make sure it goes back in to my account. He takes £40.

2 days goes past and the money still isn’t in my account, and I ask him for it. We’ve just had a heated discussion where he suddenly remembered that he paid for our last food shop (it’s usually me that pays food/petrol/misc
House diy stuff- he paid this bill voluntarily) and that it came to £46 so he wouldn’t be paying me back.

I’m livid. He did this one time before and we had a row about it then too. More fool me, I genuinely thought he was going to pay into my account this time. I won’t make that mistake again. He then passively aggressively paid me it back apart from one penny, so think owed £50, paid £49.99. I went ballistic at him that time.

AIBU to just want my money paid back?!
I have that money earmarked for things and now have to scrape it from
Elsewhere. I told him this.

His argument is that all money is shared, that he earns more than me but pays more than me for mortgage etc, I earn a lot less but still spend it all each month on food/ fuel.

I would say the proportions would be the same, of what each of us earns, we both pay 90% each month, on something for us both.

So, Not true figures but for the sake of a nice round number, imagine he earns 1,000 a month he pays 900 on stuff for us both.
Imagine I earn 100 but pay 90 on stuff for us both.

My argument is that we both earn, we both pay a similar percentage on stuff for us both. That money was my personal stash, he said he would pay it back, so therefore he should.

I never spend anything on myself, all money I spend is for us both. The money he took was to pay for a treat for himself and he didn’t have time to go to the cash point first-it was a scheduled appointment, he was running late.

Not that its particularly relevant, but I do 99% of all childcare stuff in the house too, including 100% of nighttime wake ups. Of which there can be anything from 3-6 per night. Plus working 4 long days a week, and all the early morning get ups. Our son is 10 months old, I have had two lie ins,

If he’s so concerned about stuff being split half way, I asked him when we were going to start doing turns at nights? Yea, that didn’t go down well.

Apologies for the huge rant, I just want my flipping money back!!!!

Please tell me who is in the wrong? ( only wanting advice on the money situation, I know he’s being a knobend regarding childcare) thank you.

Sorry it’s so long, I got carried away with my rant.

”Aargh people can be so annoying with the 'its all family money' thing.
Me and my husband used to do similar to others - all money in joint and then £50 each for personal spends
He'd spunk his in a few days, moan about not being able to have any fun and ask me for mine. So I'd give it him to keep the peace. And not have any treats all month.
Except if he decided to take me out for a drink or whatever.
Hardly fair is it?”

That’s not other people being annoying, that’s your husband being annoying and you being daft.

I think you need more sleep

There are a million ways for a couple to arrange their money but this obviously isn't working for you. I personally don't think it's fair or sensible to do it by a %age, in your example you get £10 he has £100. That's just not going to work.
Maybe let the £40 thing go before you have a larger chat, don't get bogged down in detail when there's a bigger issue.

You need to sort this out and get a fairer system. And point out 40 on himself isn’t same as a bill
And get back the bath time routine

@Hateloggingin
I suppose what I meant was, some agreed with me and some thought the situation was weird and we should be pooling money, so perhaps those people were seeing it from his point to view?

Yes, it seems that everyone agrees that he should be paying me back.

I am on maternity leave but have gone back to work 4 days a week working from Home, but yet still doing all the night wake ups/early mornings. So we are both working.

Yes the £46 spent was for all of us, and even more annoyingly (which I pointed out to him) the whole reason we popped into the shop was because he had invited a friend round for tea and we were getting a few bits and pieces for the meal. Of course we picked up some essentials for our family too whilst we were there, but we probably wouldn’t have gone shopping if it wasn’t for the fact we needed to get food for his friend coming for tea.

You don’t have to pool money just because you’re married - we don’t and we’ve been married nearly 30 years!

However, you should periodically check the bills together and make sure you are paying roughly the same proportionally. I don’t think it’s fair to do that by percentage - each of you should have roughly the same disposable income left over - that’s fair! We’ve worked it that I have less disposable because I spend what I have whereas my husband will keep some by for unexpected expenses.

The key point is this is all a joint decision. How you organise your bank accounts and what you call your money is irrelevant as long as both partners are happy.

Can you not sit down and discuss this like adults, rather than bickering and letting resentment build, because resentment can kill a marriage once it sets in. If you love him and want to be with him then find a way of communicating without sniping at each other or scoring points.

So in that case , the account you usually use to pay for food should be £46 in surplus from the time he paid? Can you withdraw the owed money from that and hide it away, and then if the food account ends up being tight then do super basic food for you and him for the week, just get the children what they normally have?

I wouldn't automatically pool finances with someone who can't be trusted to repay a loan. "What's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine too".

You do need a fairer system, but make sure that it is fair to you.As a couple who both work hard to support your family inside and outside the home, you should have about the same amount of spending money left over once the family bills are paid, no matter who earns what.

Dh and I have shared finances but birthday money would be different, he is BVU

Why would you marry someone and not pool all your money/assets into a family pot?

The concept of my husband owing me money is so bizarre
I too find it bizarre EXCEPT for money you have been given for birthdays, Christmas etc from other people. That is treat money to be spent on yourself so YANBU.
I'm well into my 50s and mum still gives me money to treat myself and always makes the proviso that it's to be Solent on me and not go on bill money!!

Now I’m off on maternity leave, earning a tiny amount working from Home. Just enough to cover food and fuel.

Wait, what? You're on maternity leave after having his baby and you're paying for food and fuel out of your own tiny income?

Why the hell don't you have a joint account?

Do you and your husband even like each other? It seems sad that you squabble over money so much. If you are married or in a long term relationship then you are meant to want to look out for each other.

I think separate money can be ok. My husband and I have always pooled money and have never argued over it.

OP take his bank card and pay for £30 of contactless shopping during your next food shop. "I must have picked up the wrong card! Sorry Darling!"

Your husband is a tit, Op. YANBU.

A lot of posters have mentioned joint account. Yes, perhaps it is the way to go, having thought about it.

Yep, I earn approx £600 a month, out of which council tax (£165) is paid, my phone bill, (£36) fuel for the car, (£100) and food for the three of us. And he’s begrudging me my £40 of my own money I had saved up. 😩

I think what really is getting to me most is the fact that now our finances have changed but he still expects me to be able to pay for the things I used to be able to, but I can’t. He also doesn’t value the effort I put into looking after our son.

That money was mine, and he just took it like it meant nothing to him, whereas it meant a whole lot to me. £40 is a lot when you have only pennies left at the end of the month.

I was doing him a favour by letting him take that money instead of going to the cash point.

The more I read your responses the more angry and upset I’m becoming. I think it’s not even about the money any more, it’s just his lack of respect towards me and my feelings.

I think we need to have a serious chat when he come home from work tonight. Thanks for your advice, everyone.

OP, this isn't about £40 here or there.

You should have full access to your husband's salary.

Being expected to pay family bills out of the small amount of money you bring in each month whilst having no real income because you're on maternity leave caring for his child, and having no money to spend on yourself and the things you might want or need is not how being a family is supposed to work.

Yes it is outrageous that he took your £40 and didn't pay it back when you're not a couple that chooses to pool their money. But when you're down to what is effectively one income (I'm not dismissing the money you do manage to make, but you're not earning a regular salary any more), your husband should be sharing all his money with you so that you're never in a position where you have to squirrel away a tenner here and there and £40 in a drawer at home is all you've got left.

I would say this is financially abusive, actually.

The more you post, the more financially abusive he sounds.

Oh OP, I feel for you even more after your latest updates. I third thinking that this is actually financial abuse. You should be partners, and share money and the load. But he keeps his money, while you work plus do the majority of the load with child care and house stuff, definitely time to have a sit down and a chat with him about how you share money and responbilities. Hope he sees sense.

I agree it's financial abuse. He shouldn't be watching you scraping pennies together and then stealing your birthday money. It's gross. I couldn't imagine my husband ever doing this. I feel very sad for you. I hope you manage to sort things out op, no one should have to live like that.

There is not a bone in my body that would let me borrow money from my partners birthday money. If I did, it owuld be transferred immediately. You need to tell him that if he doesn't want to pay money back then he shouldn't borrow it!

Lesson learned again

Do NOT lend him any more money

Is the agreement that you pay for food/groceries? And he paid, so therefore he lent you £46? And then he took £40 and wants to offset it against the £46 you owed him. On the face of it, it isolation, that seems fair - in fact you're £6 up on the deal.

What isn't fair is your complete set up, where you appear to have different amounts of money to spend. My personal preference is for all money to be pooled, and then what's left after essential bills and savings is then split 50:50 so each partner has an amount of "personal spends", but there's plenty of other fair ways to share the money out. But your current set up doesn't seem fair or reasonable.

One person scrabbling around for pennies, whilst one person is financially comfortable is the problem (and potential financial abuse) not whether or not the £40 should have been repaid. If you had a sufficient share of the family money, you wouldn't be worrying about whose £40 it was.

Thank you everyone. It seems my eyes have been opened to a huge underlying issue that we have. Think we need a big chat soon.

There was never an official agreement that I would pay for food. It’s just sort of happened that way, I’m the one who cooks as I was home first, and now I’m at home full time, so I knew what food we were running out of/ meals we needed. And over time it’s just became my thing. Like the mortgage became his thing, he just always paid it and it was never an official agreement.

However there have been times where he has happily paid for food before, for example when I forgot my purse at the shops. And he has never asked me for it back then, until this last time. Likewise there have been times when I’ve paid for something big for the house (DIY related) and I’ve not asked for it back.

It’s always been something that’s really upset me, when someone says they will do something and then they don’t. This time it’s to do with repaying me my personal money. But it could easily be people saying they will meet me and then don’t, or people saying they will do a project for me and then don’t. It makes me mad!

Completely financial abuse. You are struggling on £600 per month and have to pay bills, council tax and food for all of you? You should have full access to his salary. The £40 shouldn’t even be an issue. My husband may ‘borrow’ cash that I have from classes I teach. I just take the equivalent amount out of the joint account. You need a set up that works better for you. Sorry my phone won’t let me do paragraphs!!

How do I make him see that what I do is valuable too?

I think he thinks because I don’t earn as much I’m not as valuable.

He doesn’t think that all night/early morning wake ups, cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, food shopping, and all the other things that are involved in running a house are worth anything. Not to mention keeping our son happy. healthy, fed and entertained.

It just so happens that the job I do from home doesn’t earn much, because it’s demanding and I need time off from it so I can only do part time.

If we had a joint pool, I would only be able to put in a part of what he earns?

We made the joint decision that I would resign from my original job to look after our son and work from
Home. It was much fairer before when I was earning more, we had about the same excess money left each month. It’s just not fair now. 😩

For those with unequal earnings, how does a joint pool of money work then? Someone would be paying in a lot and someone paying in a little, then all bills come out of that?? And the remaining either goes to savings or spent on a treat each?

Our situation: When we met I was on about £50k he was in about £100k so already unequal but I had a good career. Was stressful and not child friendly. Couldn’t compete with his career. After second child I retrained, part time, less hours. I now earn far, far less (about £950 a month). Husband recognises he could not do his career without me taking up the slack at home. He sees what I gave up. It’s not about the individual amounts. He pays money each month in to a joint account for bills/food day to day costs. He has his own account but pays mortgage out of that. I have my own account. Works well!

We currently have pretty equal earnings but that hasn't always been the case, I took 3 years out of employment to study and he has been in much lower paid jobs than me in the past. The way we do it is easy - all money goes into one account. All money comes out of one account. We both have a rough idea of what there might be left over. Assuming there is enough, if I want a little something I buy it. If he wants a little something he buys it. If either of us want a big something then we talk it through to check we have enough and it is a reasonable thing to get. If so it gets bought, if not it doesn't. There has never been, and never will be, any idea of 'worth' of either of us contributing. Some months/years I put in way more than him. Did I mind him buying something as a treat if the money was there? No of course not. And did he mind pretty much bank rolling my degree? Nope not at all. We are a partnership. That is how money should be (even if you don't have a joint account).